Movie Date: December 25, 1963 (Christmas Day)

A legend is sung Of when England was young And knights were brave and bold The good king had died And no one could decide Who was rightful heir to the throne It seemed that the land Would be torn by war Or saved by a miracle alone And that miracle appeared In London town The sword In the stone And below the hilt in letters of gold... were written these words: "Whoso pulleth out this sword of this stone and anvil... is rightwise king born of England." Though many tried for the sword with all their strength... none could move the sword nor stir it. So the miracle had not worked. And England was still without a king. And in time, the marvellous sword was forgotten. This was a dark age... without law and without order. Men lived in fear of one another... for the strong preyed upon the weak. A dark age indeed! Age of inconvenience. No plumbing... no electricity... no nothing! Oh, hang it all! Hang it all! Oh, now what? Now what? Leave, leave off! Leave off! Oh, you, you, you fiendish chain you! Everything complicated. One big medieval mess. Now, uh, let me see. He should be here in, I'd say half an hour. Who? Who? I'd like to know who. I told you, Archimedes. I am not sure. All I know is that someone will be coming. Someone very important. Oh, pinfeathers! Fate will direct him to me so that I, in turn... may guide him to his rightful place in the world. Huh! And-And you say he will arrive in half an hour? Ha! Well, we'll just see. And you will, Archimedes. You will. Ow! He'll be, uh, a boy. Small boy. Eleven, twelve years old. And a scrawny little fellow. Oh, no, no, no. That can't be the one. Surely not. Why, that big lad must be close onto 20. Ah. There he is. The scrawny little fellow about 12. He's a regular little grasshopper. Look at him go. And where... where would you guess he is at this very moment? I am not guessing, Archimedes! I know where he is! Less than a mile from here just beyond the forest. And right on schedule, if-if all goes well. - Quiet, Wart. - I'm tryin' to be. And nobody asked you to come along in the first place. - I'm not even movin'. - Shut up. Aha! Here we go. Oh, what a set-up. Right smack through the old gizzard. Whoa. What? Oh! Why, you clumsy, little fool! Oh, Kay, please, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. Please. If I ever... If I ever get my hands on, on you, I'll, I'll ring... your scrawny little neck, so help me, I will. I'll get the arrow, Kay. I'm sure I can find it. Don't tell me you're going in there. Why, it's swarming with wolves. I'm not afraid. Well, go ahead. It's your skin, not mine. Go on, go on. There it is. Oh, there it is. Whoa! What... Oh! Well. So, you, you did drop in for tea after all. Oh, you are a bit late, you know. - Oh, I, I am? - Yes. Now, my name is Merlin. Come, come, who are you, my lad? Oh, my name's Arthur, but everyone calls me Wart. Oh. Oh, what a perfect stuffed owl. Stuff... I, I, I beg your pardon! He's alive and he talks. And certainly a great deal better than you do. Oh, come, Archimedes. Come, come now. I, I want you to meet the Wart. Now, you must forgive him. He's only a boy. Boy? Boy? Well, I see no boy. - Oh, I'm sorry that l... - That's all right. He's much too sensitive. Sensitive? Huh? Who? What? What? - Oh, well. - How did you know that I was... Oh, th-that you would be dropping in? Well, I happen to be a wizard. A soothsayer. A prognosticator. I have the power to see into the future. Centuries into the future! I, I've even been there, lad. And I've seen all these things. They're, they're only plans and small models, of course, you know. Now, this for instance is a steam locomotive. There she goes. Pretty good, eh? Now, that won't be invented for hundreds of years! Oh. You mean you can see everything before it happens? Yes, everything. Uh-uh, uh-uh. Everything, Merlin? Uh... No, no, not everything. I, uh, I admit I didn't know whom to expect for tea. But as you can see... I figured the exact place. You're very clever, sir. Yes. Well, never mind the, the, the sir. Just, uh, plain Merlin will do. Now, would, would you care for sugar? Oh, yes, I would, please. All right. Sugar. Sugar? No, no, manners, manners, manners! Guests first, you know that! All right. Say when, lad. When! - Have you had any schooling? - Oh, yes! I'm training to be a squire. I'm learning the rules of combat and swordsmanship and... and jousting and horsemanship. Oh, yes, yes, very good. That's, that's... No, no, no, l... I mean a, a, a real education. Mathematics. History. Biology. Natural science. English. Latin. French. No. When! When! Blast it all! When! Impudent piece of crockery. Boy, now, you can't... You can't grow up without a decent education, you know. Oh, I suppose not, sir... Merlin. So, I am going to be your tutor. But I've got to get back to the castle. They'll want me in the kitchen. Oh, well. Then very well. We'll pack and be on our way. You... You watch now. You'll like this. Higitus figitus zumba ka zing. I want your attention, everything. We're packing to leave. Come on. Let's go. No, no, not you. Books are always first, you know. Hockety pockety wockety whack Abra abra dabra nack Shrink in size very small We've got to save enough room for all Higitus figitus migitus mum Prestidigitonium Alika fez, balika zez Malaca mez meripedes Hockety pockety wockety... Whoa! Now, stop, stop, stop, stop! See here, sugar bowl. You're getting rough. That poor old tea set is cracked enough. Now. Now, all right. Let's start again. Ah, let's start... Eh... Oh. Where was I, boy? - Uh, hock-hockety pockety? - Oh, yes, yes, that's right. Hockety pockety wockety wack Odds and ends and bric-a-brac Be with you in just a minute, son. Packing's almost done. You, you, you bungling blockhead! Hey, easy there. No, no, go ahead. Dum doodly doodly doodly dum This is the best part now. Higitus figitus migitus mum Prestidigitonium Higitus figitus migitus mum Prestidigitoni... - Ha, ha! - What a way to pack. Well... Well, now, just a minute, boy. How else would you get all this stuff into one suitcase, I'd like to know? - Oh, but I think it's wonderful! - Oh. Yes, it is rather. Now, well... don't, don't you get any foolish ideas that magic will solve all your problems. - Because it won't! - But, sir, I don't have any problems. Oh, bah, everybody's got problems. The world is full of problems. Oh, blast it all! There, now. You see what I mean? See, that's the trouble with the world today. Everybody butting their heads against a brick wall. All muscle and no mentality. Do you want to be all muscle and no brain? - I don't have any muscle. - You don't? Well, how do you move about? Oh, I suppose I, I do have a little. Aha. There, you see. Well, that's enough. Now, develop your brain. Knowledge, wisdom. There's the real power. Higher learning. That's the thing. So, first thing tomorrow morning, we'll start a full schedule. Eight hours a day. We'll have six hours for schoolroom and two for study period. But l... I don't have the time. I have page duties. Uh, page duties? Ha! Ah, well, we'll change all that. There's got to be a shake-up. Well, yes, sir. I, I suppose so. How do you ever expect to amount to anything without an education, I'd like to know? Even in these bungling, backward, medieval times... you have got to know where you're going, don't you? Ye... Yes, sir. Yes, of course. So, you must plan for the future, boy. You've got to find a direction. And you've... Now, by the by, what direction is this castle of yours? I think it's north. The other way. Oh, oh. All right, then we better get a move on. Come on, come on, lad. Pick up the pace. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Yo-ho, the devil take it! No, the devil take it. Anyone's got better sense than to go barging off in that infernal forest alone. You had no business letting him go. Look, Dad, I'm not the Wart's keeper. Well, blast it all, I am. After all, I, I took him in, adopted the lad, you might say. Being his foster father, well, I'm responsible. Whoop. Tiger! Talbot! Off with you. Now, look here, Wart. What's the big idea of gallivanting off in the woods... and worrying the living daylights out of everybody? - I'm sorry, sir. - Well, sorry's not enough. That's four demerits. Four hours extra kitchen duty. Eh, report to the cook! - But, sir, I'd like you to meet... - Go on, hop it, boy, hop, hop, hop it! Well, yes, you've got to keep a tight schedule to run a big place like this. Need strict rules. Especially for small boys. And I most certainly agree. Who are you and... Oh. I mean, uh, you? Uh, my name is Merlin. Uh, this is Archimedes. A highly educated owl. Educated owl? Say, that's a good one. Say. Hey, I know. You've got him under a spell, Marvin. You're a magician. The name is Merlin. And I happen to be the world's most powerful wizard. Come off it, man. Gadzooks! All right. I shall demonstrate. Higitus figitus migitus moe... wind and snow swirl and blow! What the devil are you up to? And that is what I call a "wizard blizzard." Hey, Kay, would you look at this? An indoor blizzard. And in the month of July. So what? All right, Marvin. Turn her off. I'm convinced. Alakazam! I, uh... I hope you don't go in for any of that black magic. Oh, no, no, no, no. Never touch the stuff. No. My magic is used mainly for educational purposes. In fact, that is why I am here. I have come to educate the Wart. Oh, no, you don't. I'm running this place. And if you think you're gonna fiddle with my schedule... you'd better pack up your bag of tricks and be gone. Wha... Well, by Jove. Hey, he's gone. Hm-mmm. Good riddance. I'm gone, but then, I'm not gone. So, if I do leave... you could never be sure that I am gone, can you? Well, uh... Well, I must say, you... you got me there, Marvin. Yes. Well, you win. You're welcome to stay if you like. Thank you. You're very kind. Very generous, I must say. Well, uh, all we can offer is room and board. Hard times, you know, Marvin. We'll put you up in the northwest tower. That's the guest room. It's a bit draughty in the winter... but in this blazing hot weather, it's the best room in the house. Oh, yes. Very lovely indeed. So just make yourself at home, Marvin. Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin. Best room in the house! Guest room! Unwelcome-guest room! But if he thinks that he can get rid of me, I've got news for that old walrus. - I'm sticking it out. - And I say we go back to the woods. No, not on your life. That boy's got to have an education. He has a future. Well, you may be right. A skinny kid like that would make a cracking good chimney sweep. Something tells me that you're all wet, Archimedes. - Who goes there? - Pelinore! It's Pelinore, dash it all! I've got big news from London. Big news! Come on, man. Drop the bridge. Oh, big news, eh? They can't wait for the London Times. First edition won't be out for at least, uh... Archimedes, would you mind sailing down there and, and... Not interested! Oh, come, come, come, come now. You're as wet as you can get. No! No, no, no! Archimedes! I'll turn you into a human. - Hmph! You wouldn't dare! - I will. So help me, I will. Well, all right, all right. All right! All right. It works every time. Just like magic. Pelinore! Pelinore. Greetings, old boy. And what's all the noise about London, hmm? Big news. Really big news. Sit down, man, and let's hear all about it. They're having a big tournament New Year's Day. Oh, that's not news, dash it all. They always do. Yeah, but, Ector... Ector, here's where all the excitement comes in. To the winner of this tournament goes the crown. You mean... You mean he'll be king of all England? King of all England. - Kay, lad, did you hear that? - Pretty fair prize, I'd say. Yes, and you can win it, boy, if you knuckle down to your training. And we'll have you knighted by Christmas and off to London. What do you say? Sure. Why not? Why not? Wart, lad, how'd you like to go to London? - Oh, Sir Ector, you mean it? - If you stick to your duties, you can be Kay's squire. Oh, I will, sir. I will. I don't want the Wart for my squire. Here's to London! And here's to Kay. And here's to the banner of the Castle of the Forest Suavage. - Cheers! - Cheers, cheers. - Cheers. Charge! Weight forward! Lean into him! Steady, boy. Steady! Steady with the lance! Grip her tight! Hit him clean! No, no, no! Heads up! Ar-Ar-Archimedes. Archimedes, wh-where, where, where are we? In a tumble-down old tower... in the most miserable old castle in all Christendom, that's where. C-Castle? Castle? Don't you even remember the boy? Uh, the boy? Can't you remember one blasted thing? - Oh, now, just a moment. L... - Tight grip on the lance. - Oh. - Loosen the saddle, knees in tight. Weight forward and stay on target. You keep losing your grip. It's not a mere matter of muscle, sir. Jousting is, uh, uh, a fine skill. It... It's a highly developed science. Science, indeed. One dummy trying to knock off another dummy with a bit of a stick. And the Wart's just as hot for it as the rest of them. He certainly is. That boy's got real spark. Lots of spirit. Throws himself heart and soul into everything he does. That's really worth something if it can only be turned in the right direction. Ha-ha. Fat chance of that. Oh, I plan to cheat, of course. Use magic. Every last trick in the trade if I have to. I'd give anything to go riding about on a great white charger... slaying dragons and griffins and man-eating giants. Well, won't you? Oh. No. You see. I'm an orphan, and a knight must be of proper birth. I only hope I'm worthy to be Kay's squire. That's a big job too, you know. Oh, indeed, yes, yes. I would say almost impossible. Yes. Well, now then. When I said that I could swim like a fish... I really meant as a fish. You mean you can turn yourself into a fish? After all, I happen to be a wizard. - Could you turn me into a fish? - Well, do you have any imagination? Can you imagine yourself as a fish? Oh, that's easy. I've done that lots of times. Oh. Well, good. Then I think that my magic can do the rest. Archimedes, what, what is that fish formula? - Who? Who? What? What? What? - You know, that, that, that Latin business. Hmm? Fish? Latin? Oh, uh. Aquarius aquaticus aqualitus. And-And now if you don't mind... I say good day to the both of you, if you please. When he stays out all night... he's always grumpy the next morning. - Then he must stay out every night. - Yes. Oh. Oh, yes. Oh, I say, that's very good, boy. Very. Who? What? What? All right, boy. All set. Here we go. Aquarius aquaticus aqualitus quum. Aqua digi tarium. Merlin, am I a fish? Am I a fish? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, you are a fish... but if you don't stop that flippity-flopping around... and get in the water, you won't last long. Now, now, stay right here in the tules and I'll... I'll be with you in a minute. Oh. So you thought you could take right off like a shot, did you? Well, I am a fish, aren't I? You merely look like a fish. That doesn't mean that you can swim like one. You, you don't have the instinct. So, you'll have to use your, your brain for a change. You are living between two planes now. Somewhere between the ceiling and the floor. Now, there, there's lots of ups and downs... like-like, uh, like a helicopter. - Helicopter? - Yes... Oh. No, never mind. Every flick of a fin creates movement. So, first we'll start with a caudal fin. No, no, boy. Your tail. Tail. Now, now, that gives you the forward thrust now. Come on. Let's get a rhythm. Right, left. Right, left. One, two. Left and right Like day and night That's what makes the world go 'round In and out Thin and stout That's what makes the world go 'round For every up there is a down - For every square - There is a round? Yes. For every high - There is a low? - Uh-huh. - And for every to... - There is a... - Fro. - Fro. Yes, fro. To and fro, stop and go That's what makes the world go 'round In and out Thin and stout - Merlin! Merlin! - Oh! - I swallowed a bug! - Oh. What's wrong with that? After all, my boy, you are a fish. L-Instinct, you know. - But you said I had no instinct. - Yes, of... Oh. Oh, I did. Well, th-that's neither here nor there. But the main thing is you must... Set your sights upon the heights Don't be a mediocrity - Mediocrity? - That's right. Don't just wait and trust to fate And say that's how it's meant to be It's up to you how far you go If you don't try you'll never know And so, my lad as I've explained Nothing ventured nothing gained Let's, let's swim through that tall grass again. It tickles. Oh. Oh, I beg your pardon. Me too. For every to there is a fro For every stop there is a go And that's what makes the world go 'round Oh, let go, let go, let go! Oh, you big, bug-eyed bully, you! Who, me? Oh, here, here, here, here, here, now, boy. There's no sense in going around insulting bullfrogs. A fish has plenty of other problems without that. The water world has its forests and its jungles too. So it has its tigers and its wolves. And that, eh, ah... That's what makes the world go 'round You see, my boy it's nature's way Upon the weak the strong ones prey In human life it's also true The strong will try to conquer you And that is what you must expect Unless you use your intellect Brains and brawn Weak and strong - Help, Merlin! Help! Help! - That's what makes the wor... Jehoshaphat! Oh! - Quick, Merlin, the magic! - No, no. You're on your own, lad. Now's your chance to prove my point. Wha-What point? He's the brawn and you're the brain. Oh, now, don't, don't, don't panic! You use your head. Outsmart the big brute. Smart move, lad! That's using the old intellect. - Bravo, boy! Great strategy! - Is the lesson about over? D-D-Did you get the point? Yes, yes, brain over brawn. Okay, lad, I'll fix the big brute. Higgeldy piggeldy... No, no. Hocus pocus... Now, what in blaze... Eh... Merlin! Now what? Oh, it's, it's that, that boy! - Wh-Wh-What in b-blazes! - Help! Help! Help! Ouch! Help! Archimedes! Help! What in thunder is a monster like that doing in the moat? By George, l-l-l... I'll, I'll... I'll turn him into a minnow. - Merlin! - Oh! Oh, there you are, boy. Snick snack snorum! How in the world did you ever get out of that mess? That, that big fish almost swallowed me and, and Archimedes, he, he saved me. Well, by Jo... Oh, what do you know about that? I did nothing of the sort! I intended to eat him. Young perch is my favourite dish. You know that! Oh. - Do you believe that, Wart? - Well, l... Wart. Wart! I've gotta go. Thank you, Merlin. It was so much fun. - And, Archimedes, I, l... - Pinfeathers, boy! Wart! Where are you, Wart? Coming! I'm coming. Now, Archimedes. Why would you half-drown yourself for a tidbit of fish? And after such a big breakfast? Pinfeathers and gully fluff! We were doing fine until we got in deep water. Then along comes this huge pike with big jaws and sharp, jagged teeth. Oh, turn him off, Dad. He was a monster! The biggest fish I ever saw. - And, boy, that's the biggest fish story I ever heard. - But it's true, sir. That's three demerits for being late and three more for the fish story. Now, hop into the kitchen! I told you the Wart was loony. Yes, well, he's either out of his head or, uh... there's something mighty fishy going on around here. For every high there is a low For every to there is a fro To and fro Stop and go That's what makes the world go 'round - Oh, it's you, Merlin, sir. - Uh, yes, my lad. Now, have you ever considered being a squirrel? Well, no, I don't suppose. Well, now, there is a tiny creature... with enormous problems. How he has survived throughout the ages... is one of nature's big mysteries. His life is hazardous. Downright dangerous. Uh, would you like to try it? - Oh, no, I'd better not. - Oh-ho. It's, uh, too dangerous for you, eh? Oh, no, it's not that. It's just that I've got six demerits. All this work to do. What a mess! What a medieval muddle. We'll have to modernize it. Start an assembly-line system. All right now. One and a-two and a-three and a-four! Higitus figitus migitus mum Skitun de bitun de batun de dum - But I'm supposed to do it. - No one will know the difference, son. Who cares as long as the work gets done? Rubbedy scrubbedy Sweepety flow Come on, son. Let's go, let's go. Wart. Wart! Wart. Now, take it easy. Take it easy, boy. Wart! Oh, no, boy! No, no! - Wart! - Whoa. Oh! Now, what did I tell you? Always look before you leap. Well, I made it, didn't I? Yes, yes, you made it. You made it, but you, you can't always trust to luck, boy. Now, first thing... you start with the short jumps. Gauge the distance carefully. And... Oh! Now, there, you see? Even, even, even then you can miss. So, don't take gravity too lightly or it'll catch up with you. - What's gravity? - Gravity is what causes you to fall. Oh, like a stumble or, or a trip? Yes, it's like a stumble or a... No, no, no, no, no. It's the force that pulls you downward. The, the phenomenon that any two material particles or bodies... if free to move, will be accelerated toward each other. - Merlin, how will we get by? - Hmm? Oh. Oh, well, I, I suppose we better go back to a side track. Go on, go on. You got lots of room. Well, l... I, I, I guess she can't be sidetracked. That's a girl squirrel, that, and a redhead at that. - She sure acts funny. - Well, she likes you. Why? Yes, well, well, well, that's nature again. But I'm afraid there's no time to explain. Here, here, now. You better leave me out of it. Yeah, me too. Merlin! Merlin! You're on your own, lad. I'm afraid magic can't solve this problem. Look, I'm, I'm not a boy. I mean... I'm not a squirrel. I'm a boy. A human boy. Not a real sq... Oh, leave me alone! Merlin, what'll I do? She won't leave me... Well, I'm, I'm afraid you're stuck, lad. Well, when a girl squirrel chooses a mate, it's for life. - But I won't be a squirrel tomorrow. - But she doesn't know that. She only knows one simple fact. That you're a him and she's a her. - That's a natural phenomenon. - Phenomenon-menum? Well, it's the, the, uh... It's a state of being A frame of mind It's a most befuddling thing And to every being of every kind it is discombooberating You're wasting time resisting You'll find the more you do The more she'll keep insisting Her him has got to be you Now leave me alone! I mean it! It's a rough game Anyone knows Go away! There are no rules Anything goes There's no logical explanation For this discombooberation It's a most bemuddling Most befuddling thing Oh! Who? Who? What... What... Now, go on. Shoo! Get a tree of your own. Skedaddle! You... You... You... You... Oh, you squirrelly squirrels! She's gaining on you, Wart. There's no sensible explanation For this discombooberation It's a most hodge-podgical Most illogical Most confusiling Most bamboozling Most bemuddling Most be-befu-fuddling Thing Really, now, Miss, uh... Madam. I, uh... You, you, you've made a mistake. Now, now, now, please. Please, you... Oh! Madam! Madam! Now, look here. I am not a boy. I, I mean, I'm... I'm not a squirrel. I'm a b... No, that's not what... No! No. I'm, I'm, I'm a stupid old... No! I'm an old man. An old human. Understand? Oh, hang it all. Now, go away. Shoo, shoo. Impossible. Impossible! Ooh, confound it! Confound it all! Merlin, I'm tired of being a squirrel. It's nothing but trouble. Oh, you've got trouble? Look at my... Look back there! One side, lad. Whoa, what... Help, Merlin! Help! Oh, no! By George! I've had enough of this nonsense! Alakazam! There. You see? I'm an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man! - Merlin! - Oh. - So, here we are. - Quick, Merlin, the magic. Snick snack snorum. There. Now you see? I'm not a squirrel. I'm a boy. I tried to tell you. I'm a boy. A human boy. Oh, if you could only understand. Ah, you know, lad... that love business is a powerful thing. Greater than gravity? Well, yes, boy, in its way, I'd, uh... Yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on Earth. Oh, Ector! Ector! Sir Ector! The kitchen! - Hold it, son! Hold it. - Black magic all over the place! Kay! Hold on, I say! Stop! Oh. Now, what's all the commotion, hmm? Oh, the kitchen, it's under an evil spell! - Huh? - It's bewitched. Oh, I bet it's that old goat Marvin. Come on, son. L-I knew he'd give us trouble. Gadzooks! Black magic of the worst kind! Come on, Kay! To the attack! Wha... Oh! Hold it! Heaven preserve us! Kay! - Now, what have we here? - Jumpin' hoptoads! Alakazam! So there you are, you old goat. Well, what's the idea of flinging your evil spells all over the place? Oh, oh, lend me a hand, boy. Well, what have you got to say for yourself, hmm? You call washing dishes and sweeping floors a work of evil? I'll decide what's right and wrong around here. Besides, that's the Wart's job. One of his duties. Uh, and look here, boy. If you want to make that trip to London, you'd better toe the mark. You old goat! If I ever catch you in my kitchen again, I'll... Madam, you won't. Oh, dear. He's gone. Well, by Jove. We ought to run the old geezer right out of the castle. Oh, no, no, no, no, Kay. No. He might cast an evil spell on the lot of us. Turn us all to stone. No. There's no telling what the old devil might do. He's not an old devil! He... He's good! And, and his magic is good too. Lf, if you'd just leave him alone! Now, look here, Wart. That's three more demerits. - Box his ears, Dad. - Just because you can't understand something... - it, it doesn't mean it's wrong. - Ten more demerits! You make all the rules and, and nobody else can say anything. You've said aplenty, boy! All that popping off just cooked your goose. Kay, from now on, young Hobbs is your squire. Did you hear that, Wart? Hobbs is going to be Kay's squire. - Ye... Ye... Yes, sir. - Now that'll teach you to pop off, you little pipsqueak. Oh, I'm sorry, lad. I'm sorry. I spoiled everything. I know that trip to London means a great deal to you. Oh, it's, it's not your fault. I shouldn't have popped off. Now I'm really done for. No, no, you're in a great spot, boy. You can't go down now. It can only be up from here. - I'd like to know how. - Use your head. An education, lad. What good will that do? Get it first. Then who knows? Are you willing to try? Well, what have I got to lose? That's the spirit! We'll start tomorrow! We'll show 'em. Won't we, boy? We sure will. Now, first of all, lad... we've got to get all these medieval ideas out of your head. Clear the way for new ideas. Knowledge of man's fabulous discoveries... in the centuries ahead. - Now that'll be a great advantage, boy. - Advantage, indeed! If the boy goes about saying the world is round, they'll take him for a lunatic. - The world is round? - Yes, yes, that's right. And it also goes around. - You mean it'll be round someday? - No, no, no. It's round now. Man will discover this in centuries to come. And he will also find that the world is merely... a tiny speck in the universe. - Universe? - Oh, you're only confusing the boy. Before you're through, he'll be so mixed up, he'll, he'll be wearing his shoes on his head. Man has always learned from the past. After all, you can't learn history in reverse. It's, it's, it's confusing enough, for heaven sakes. All right! All right. Have it your way, Archimedes. You're in charge. You're the headmaster now. So from now on, he's your pupil. So, from now on, boy... you do as I say. - Yes, sir. - All right. Now to start off, I want you to read these books. - All of them? - That, my boy, is a mountain of knowledge. - But I, but I can't read. - What, what? What? Then I don't suppose you know how to write? - No, sir. - What do you know? - Well, l... - Well, never mind. Never mind. We'll start at the bottom. The ABC's. First the A, and now the B. Loop and around and there's the C. Merlin. Look. I can write. Oh. Yes, yes. That's very good, boy. Very... Henscratch, that's all. Henscratch. Now, come on. D, E, F, and now the G. You see, it's as simple as... No, no, no! No, boy! Now, use your head. Use your head, will you? How do you ever expect to learn anything? Archimedes! Have you seen that, uh... flying machine model? I have nothing to do with your futuristic fiddle-faddle, you know that. - What's that thing up there? - Hmm? Oh, yes, of course. - Here we are. - You mean man will fly in one of those someday? If man were meant to fly, he'd have been born with wings. I am about to prove otherwise, Archimedes... if you care to watch. Here she goes. No, no, no, no, no... Man'll fly all right. Just like a rock. It would have worked if, if, if, if it weren't for... this infernal beard! I never, never in my whole... Man will fly someday, I tell you. I have been there. I have seen it. Oh, I do hope so. I've always dreamed about flying... that I was a bird and that I could go sailing all over the sky high above everything. Prestidigitonium. It's my favourite dream. Oh, but then I suppose everybody dreams about flying. I'm a bird! I'm a bird! I'm a bird! Hold it, boy. Not so fast. Not so fast. First, l... I'd better explain the mechanics of a bird's wing. Now, these large feathers... are called the primaries. - And, uh... - And, uh, since when... do you know all about birds' wings? I have made an extensive study of birds in flight. And l... And if you don't mind, I happen to be a bird. All right, Mr Know-It-All, he's your pupil. - Ouch! - Now, boy... flying is not merely some crude mechanical process. It is a delicate art. Purely aesthetic. Poetry of motion. And the best way to learn it is to do it. Now, since we're pretty far up, we'll start with a glide. Spread your wings way out, way out. That's it. That's it. Now, fan your tail. Tippity-toe, tippity-toe, and off we go. Now, tuck your feet under, like me. That's it. That's the idea! - Whoa! What? Oh! - And don't fight the air currents. Use them. Well, say, boy! That's pretty good. Well, boy, you're a natural! Are you sure this is the first time that you've... Wart! Wart! Hawk! Hawk! Look out, boy! Heads up! Wart! Archimedes! Help! Wart! Wart! Whoa! What? Oh! Sounds like someone's sick. How lovely. Oh, bat gizzards. It's nothing but... a scrawny little sparrow with a beak full of soot. Oh, l-I'm not really a sparrow. I'm a boy. - A boy? - Merlin changed me with his magic. He's the world's most powerful wizard. Merlin. Ho-ho! Merlin, the world's most powerful bungler. Why, boy, I've got more magic in one little finger. Now, don't tell me you've never heard of the marvellous Madam Mim? Well, no, I don't guess so. Madam Mim? Oh! Good heavens, good heavens, good heavens! Why, boy, I'm the greatest. I'm truly marvellous! With only a touch I have the power Zim zab rim bim To whither a flower I find delight in the gruesome and grim - Oh, that's terrible. - Thank you, my boy. But that's nothing, nothing for me. No! 'Cause I'm the magnificent... marvellous, mad Madam Mim. You know what? I can even change size. I can be huge! Ooh! Fill the whole house. I can be teeny Small as a mouse Black sorcery is my dish of tea Uh, it comes easy to me. 'Cause I'm the magnificent... marvellous, mad Madam Mim. Marvellous, boy! Marvellous, I'm marvellous! Say, lad, did you know that I can make myself uglier yet? Well, that would be some trick. Er, um, ah, I mean, uh... Want to bet? Boo! You see? I win, I win! Aren't I hideous, boy? Perfectly revolting? - Well, uh, yes, ma'am. - But you ain't seen nothin' yet. Watch this. I can be beautiful lovely and fair Silvery voice long purple hair But it's only skin deep for zim zaberim zim I'm an ugly, old creep! The magnificent, marvellous... mad, mad, mad, mad Madam Mim. Now what do you think, boy? Who's the greatest? Well, uh, Merlin's magic is always, um, well, useful... uh, for something good. - And he must see something good in you. - Oh, I suppose so. Yes, and in my book, that's bad! So, my boy, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you. De-Destroy me? Yeah, l-I'll give you a sporting chance. I'm mad about games, you know. Yeah, well, come on, get going, boy. You gotta keep on your toes in this game. I win, I win! Oh, the game's over. Why, you little devil, you! I'll wring your scrawny little neck! Mim! Mim! Wha-Wha-What... Eh, what was you up to? Uh! Me-Me... Oh, Merlin! Well, you're just in time. - We were playing a little game. - She was gonna destroy me. And just what are you gonna do about it? Want to fight? Want to have a wizard's duel? - As you wish, madam. - Well, come on. Step outside. After you, madam. What-What-What-What, what's up, boy? What's going on? They're havin' a wizard's duel. What's that mean? Oh, it's a battle of wits. The players change themselves... to different things and, and attempt to, uh, to destroy one another. De-Des-De-Destroy? Well, just watch, boy, just watch. You'll get the idea. Now, first of all, if you don't mind, I'll make the rules. Rules indeed! Why, she only wants rules so she can break 'em! I'll take care of you later, featherbrain. Now, rule one, no mineral or vegetable. Only animal. Rule two, no make-believe things... like, uh, oh, pink dragons and stuff. Now, rule three, no disappearing. - Rule four, no cheating. - All right, all right. Now, pace off ten. One, two, three, four... - Merlin! She disappeared! - Huh? Ah... Duh... Bah... Mim! Now, you made the rules! Ouch! - Change to somethin' else, Merlin. - Ah... Buh... Y-Yes... yes, yes, yes, give me time to think. - Ah, higgety-piggety. Ah, duh... No, no, no, no, no. - Quick, Merlin, hurry! Ah... Duh... Hoppity-hip-hip. Ha-ha! Got me tail, now! Madam, just a minute. Ah... D-D... This is not the-the-the-the... - Come on! Something bigger! - Something smaller! Mi-Mi-Mim, Mi-Mim, Mi-Mim Mi-Mi... Ooh! Merlin! No disappearing. Whoo! Ouch! Mim? Mim? Are-Are-Are you... Now... Gah... What-What... W-W-What's going on here? You, you... You big blimp! Squash me, will ya? Ah, ah, ah, ah, Merlin! - Ouch! Ooh! - Bravo! Oh, just you wait! Just you wait! You're gonna pay! So you want to play rough, do ya? All right, Merlin. I'll smash you good, you old crab! Jehoshaphat! Here I come, Mim, ready or not. Merlin, you wouldn't dare! Now, now, Mim, Mim! No-No dragons, remember? Did I say no purple dragons? Did I? I win, I win! Oh, that horrible old witch! I'll, I'll peck her eyes out! Huh, no, no. No, no, no. - He's gone! - Disappeared. Madam, I have not disappeared. I am very tiny. I'm a germ. A rare disease. I'm called "malagolintomontorosis"... and you caught me, Mim! What? First, you break out into spots. Followed by hot and cold flashes. Then violent sneezing. Huh! Watch it, boy! Oh! Er... You-You-You-You sneaky old scoundrel! Oh, it's not too serious, madam. Ah, you should recover... in a few weeks and be as good, uh... Ah, heh-heh... l-I mean as bad as ever. But, ah, I would suggest plenty of rest... and lots and lots of sunshine! I hate sunshine! I hate horrible, wholesome sunshine! I hate it, I hate it! I hate, hate, hate, hate... You were really great, Merlin, but-but you could've been killed. It was worth it, lad, if you learned something from it. Knowledge and wisdom is the real power. Right you are, Wart, so stick to your schooling, boy. Oh-Oh, don't worry, I will, sir. I will, oh, I really will. We will sing all night and all day we will fight For the blue oak tree on the field of white For the blue oak tree on the fie-ie-ie-ie-ield Of white Here's to victory in London for my son, Kay! Sir Kay. I've been knighted, don't forget. No-o, of course, son, of course. Ah, here's to Sir Kay. And who knows? The future king of all England! - Watch it, will ya? - Kay the king? What a dreadful thought. Sir Ector! Sir Ector! Hobbs has come down with the mumps! Face all-all-all puffed up like a toad! Then Kay'll need another squire, hang it all. - Hmm. Wart, you're it. - I'm what, sir? Kay's squire. You're going to London, boy. Oh, Sir Ector! Whoa! What? Whoa! Merlin! Archimedes! Merlin! Merlin, look! I'm a squire! Hah! Oh. Uh, very nice, boy. Yes, indeed. A fine monkey suit for polishing boots. It's-It's what all the squires wear. And I thought you were going to amount to something! I thought you had a few brains! Great future. Hah! A stooge for that big lunk Kay. Congratulations, boy! What do y... What do you want me to be? I'm nobody. You... You don't know a thing about what's goin' on today. L-l-l-I'm lucky to be Kay's squire. D... Oh! D... Of all the idiotic... Y-Y-Y... l... Blow me to Bermuda! Where... Uh, where did he go? - To Bermuda, I suppose. - Where's that? Oh, an island way off somewhere that hasn't been discovered yet. Will he ever come back? Who knows? Who knows anything? For the crown of all England... let the tournament begin. Oh, Kay, now it's up to the swords. Swords? Swords? Ah... Oh, no! Kay? What? What? I, eh... l-l-I forgot your sword. Forgot my sword? L... l-I left it back at the inn. Why, you bungling little fool! I'll... Oof! You better get it! Or don't you dare come back! Let me in! Let me in! Somebody please! Please let me in! It's no use, boy. They've all gone to the tournament. Oh, what'll I do? Kay's got to have a sword. Look, boy! Look! There in the churchyard. A sword! Oh, Archimedes, a sword! You're gonna have a time pullin' it out. Huh! Watch it, boy! Better leave it alone! But Kay's got to have a sword. Now, come on, quick. Let's get out of here! Y-You're up next, son. Uh, better get ready. Kay, Kay, here's a sword. This is not my sword! Hold on, Kay! Wait a minute. "Whoso pulleth out this sword..." Ooh, eh... It's the sword in the stone! - The sword in the stone? It can't be. - But look. It is! - It's the marvellous sword. - Hold everything. Someone's pulled the sword from the stone. Where did you get it, Wart? I, l-I pulled it out of an anvil that was on a stone... i-in, in a churchyard. - That's funny! - The lad's a young Samson! You're making a fool of us, boy. Now tell the truth. - But I did, sir. Ow! Ooh! - Then come on, prove it. - Ouch! - Back to the stone with you. - Yes, prove it. - Come on! Prove it! All right, boy, let's have the miracle. Now, wait a minute! Anyone can pull it once it's been pulled. Go to it, Kay. Give it all you got. Put your back into it! - Here now! - Here, here, here! - Push him and see. - It's my turn. One side! - Pull this thing. - Hold on. That's not fair. I say we let the boy try it. That's what I say. Give the boy a chance. Go ahead, son. It's a miracle ordained by heaven. This boy is our king. Well, by Jove. - What's the lad's name? - Eh, Wart. Oh, uh, I mean Arthur. - Hail, King Arthur! - Hail, King Arthur! Long live the king! - Long live King Arthur! Long live the king. - I can't believe it! - Ooh, forgive me, son. - Hail, King Arthur. - Long live the king. Long live... - Forgive me. - King Arthur. Long live the king. - Oh, please don't, sir. - Kay, bow down to your king. - Hail, King Arthur. Long live the king. - Hail, King Arthur. - So, at last the miracle... had come to pass in that far off time upon New Year's Day... and the glorious reign of King Arthur was begun. I can't be a king, Archimedes. I don't know anything about ruling a country. I told you to leave the thing in the stone, boy. I'll, I'll run away, that's what I'll do. They'll just have to get somebody else. Better take the side door, Wart. Out the side door. Hail, King Arthur! Long live the King! There's another door. Over there, over there! Come on, come on! Long live King Arthur! Long li... Looks-Looks like we're surrounded, boy. Oh, Archimedes, I wish Merlin was here. Merlin! Merlin! Oh, Merlin, you're back from Ber-Ber-Ber... Bermuda? Yes, back from Bermuda... and the 20th century. And believe me, you can have it. One big modern mess! Alakazam! I'm in an awful pickle. I'm king. Ooh, he pulled the sword from the stone. Ha-ha! Of course, of course! King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table. - Round table? - Oh, uh, w-would you rather have a square one? Oh, no. Round'll be fine. Boy, boy, boy. You'll become a great legend. They'll be writing books about you for centuries to come. Why, they might even make a motion picture about you. - Motion picture? - Oh. Uh, well, um... Uh, that's something like television... without commercials. Hail, King Arthur Long live the King

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