Movie Date: June 26, 1981
Pretty nice up here, isn't it? - Kermit? - Huh? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or we get struck by lightning? That'd be neat. Listen, nothing's gonna happen. This is just the opening credits. Oh. Where are they? Wow! "The Great Muppet Caper." Nice title. Whoo-wee! I'd like to try this without the balloon. - Try what? Plummeting? - Yeah! I suppose you could try it once. - Kermit? - Mmm? How long are these opening credits? Just about another minute or so. My ears are popping. I wonder how far you could plummet before you blacked out. Well, don't try it, Gonzo. We need you for this movie. Sure is tempting. - Kermit? - Huh? What does "BSC" stand for? I don't know. Gee, a lot of people worked on this movie. Huh. This is nothing. Wait till you see the end credits. - Kermit? - Mmm? Are the credits over? Uh, not quite. Nobody reads those names anyway, do they? Sure. They all have families. Ah. That's it. The sky is clear. So, okay. Well, now what do we do? I mean, how does this movie start? - Well, we just pull that rope. - Yes, sir! Ooh, we're going down! Heads up, below! What a fantastic beginning. Wow! There'll be spectacle There'll be fantasy There'll be derring-do And stuff like you would never see Hey, a movie Yeah, we're gonna be a movie - Starring everybody - And me There'll be heroes bold There'll be comedy And a lot of fuss That ends for us real happily Hey, a movie We can watch it all develop Starring everybody And me We'll take the world And set it on its ear Come on, join in We're gonna start right here It's okay. I landed on my head. Come on! Oh. Here, chicken! Hey! Why, you... Whoa! Hold it! Go ahead, Kermit. Thank you. See, in this film, me and Fozzie play crack investigative reporters for The Daily Chronicle. And Gonzo, he's our photographer. And it's gonna be terrific. Boy, I wish I were you people, seeing this for the first time. There'll be crooks and cops There'll be villainy But with us on call We'll fix it all real easily Hey, a movie Wow, it's gonna be terrific Starring everybody And me. Argh! Now, what we need, guys, is an exciting photo story. Right this way, young lady. I'll take a picture of this chicken. Beautiful. - That's great, Gonzo. - Yeah. Smile, chicky babe. My jewels! That man stole my jewels! Help! My jewels! Look up. Hey, do you wanna make the front pages or not? Kermit, I got a great picture of the chicken. Oh, good. There'll be mystery and catastrophe But it's all in fun You paid the money, wait and see Hey, a movie ls there any way to stop it? Starring everybody Everybody Everybody and... Oh... Me How could you miss a story like that? it was right under your noses, practically bit you on the seat of the pants. There's just no excuse. I guess this would be the wrong time to ask for a raise? Raise? A raise? I'll give you a raise! Did you read these headlines? Huh? "Jewel heist on Main Street." And it's nice bold print, isn't it? - Yes, it's very easy to read. - Mmm. Shut up now. Sorry. "Lady Holiday's Jewels Stolen," that's what it says in The Times. And here's The Herald. "Fashion Queen of London Robbed." And last but not least... ...here's our cute little banner story. "Identical Twins join The Chronicle staff." Now, I ask you, what paper would you buy? I read the one that has "Dear Abby." Gee, Mr. Tarkanian. We thought identical twins working on a newspaper - would make an interesting story. - Yeah. Well, it doesn't. Especially since you two guys don't look anything alike. Well, that's 'cause Fozzie's not wearing his hat. - Oh, Fozzie, put your hat back on. - Oh. Yes, sir. See? Oh, yeah. I can see it now. But that's still no excuse for blowing a story. Oh, we'll do better next time. Next time? Next time? What makes you think there's gonna be a next time? Well, if there isn't it's gonna be a real short movie. Look, the only reason I hired you two jerks was because your old man was a friend of mine. Dad spoke well of you, too. Well, I'm as sentimental as the next guy. That's why I don't want him to hear this. You're fired. Take that thing down off the ceiling. Yeah, but, Mr. Tarkanian... - Gonzo. - Check. Whoo-wee! Won't you listen to reason, sir? I'm not listening to anything and I'm not giving you your job back. I don't want you to give us anything. We just want to go to England and talk to Lady Holiday the woman who was robbed? And we'll catch those jewel thieves for you. You see, all you have to do is pay our way to London. Oh! Is that all I have to do? Well, we could use some new luggage for the trip. Luggage? Now look, beat it. I got a deadline to meet. But how are we gonna get to London? I'll tell you what, Fozzie, since you're such an investigative reporter, you figure it out. I'm Fozzie. Oh, yeah, yeah. The hat. Stop the presses! Why? What happened? I don't know. I've always wanted to say that. Look, you guys... Oh, boy. It must be 50 below in here. You're lucky, you have fur. No, no, no. You're the one with the fur. Turn on your light and see for yourself. Oh, yeah! I keep mixing us up. I think I'll read for a while. - Oh, I wish I had a book. - Hey, Kermit? Can you reach the hostess call button? I'm hungry. They don't serve food in ninth class. What? $12 and you don't even get a meal? Hey, could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to watch the movie. Hey, somebody's coming. Oh, maybe they're bringing hamburgers. All out for England! Oh, great, the plane is landing. The plane? Nah. The plane lands in Italy. You land in England. Whoa! Kermit! What's happening? Whoopee! Geronimo! Glug! For once the forecast was right. It said it was going to rain cats and dogs. No, no. We're bears and frogs. And Gonzos. Whatever you are, whoever you are, welcome to Great Britain. Great Britain? We're actually in Great Britain! Oh, no, we'll never get to England now. You are in England, my furry friend. This sceptered isle. This jewel of the North Atlantic. Oh, good. Well, we're going to London and we were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. - Actually, a cheap hotel. - How cheap? Free. That narrows the field a bit. Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals. River banks. The Happiness Hotel. Happiness Hotel? That sounds great. What's wrong with bus terminals? Well, thanks a lot for your help, sir. Hey, guys, this is London. Yeah, London! We made it! Oh, boy! - Is that the Eiffel Tower? - Yeah! - No. - No, no. - Hey, Kermit? - Yeah? - Are bears allowed in those fountains? - What? Are bears allowed in those fountains? - No, I don't think so. - I need a bath. This is terrific. Wow, look at the scenery. It's very realistic. - Hey, what's the name of this river? - I don't know. I think it's the English River. Oh. I'll take a picture of it. Say cheese! Oh, did I get my elbow in the shot? Don't worry. it adds human interest. But I'm a bear. Anyone for the Happiness Hotel? Huh? - Oh, Happiness Hotel! - That's us! - Yes, we want the Happiness Hotel. - Yeah. Argh! Wow. Boy, another crash landing. That was terrible. Well, we'll just have to do it again. Oh, look. The Happiness Hotel. What do you think, guys? Wow. If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like. Excuse me? What? We'd like a room. Really? Yeah, we'd like to check in. Somebody's checking in! Somebody's checking in? Oh, there's no fire in the fireplace There's no carpet on the oor Don't try to order dinner There's no kitchen anymore But if the road's been kinda bumpy And you need to rest a spell Well, welcome home To the Happiness Hotel - Hey, how are you guys fixing to pay? - What are our choices? A, credit card. B, cash. C, sneak out in the middle of the night. We'll take C. Very popular choice. If you got luggage keep it handy But you're running out of luck 'Cause the bellhops Ain't too organized And the elevator's stuck Still if you don't mind friendly animals And can learn to stand the smell Well, welcome home To the Happiness Hotel You know, I may be mistaken, but the bellhops look like rats. You should see the chambermaids. - Welcome home - Welcome home - Welcome home - Welcome home No matter where you wander You will never do as well Okay, the lobby's looking shabby And it's got the wrong address And the whole dang thing Has been condemned by American Express Still the management is cheerful Though the whole joint's gone to hell Well, welcome home To the Happiness Hotel - You guys live here? - Yeah, but only between gigs. So that means we've been here this time, what, five years? Oh, yeah, but, like, okay, you know, our agent, you know, like, he says, I mean, like, things are really going to break as soon as we get our new glossies. Argh! What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed. Aw, he's just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery. Renoir! - Oh, there are bugs - There are bugs - And there are lice - There are lice Sure, we have our little problems But you'll never beat the price You got every kind of critter You got every kind of pest But we treat 'em all as equals Just like any other guest Though you're cleaner than the others Still, as far as we can tell You'll fit right in to the Happiness Hotel We'll fit right in To the Happiness Hotel Say cheese! You are all weirdos. Ugh. Oh, that's just fine right there. Thank you. Hey, not bad. Are you sure we can afford this? Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry. - Call room service. - There's no phone. That's okay. There's no food either. Come on, Rizzo. Look, why don't we forget about food and get a good night's sleep? We have to get up early to interview Lady Holiday. Mmm. Boy, I sure could use something from one or more of the basic food groups. We'll have breakfast in the morning. Right now, let's just be thankful we're here. Say, this is nice. Can somebody turn out the light? Thank you. This is Lady Holiday. Milan speaking? Then put him on. Oh, yes, darling. Yes, I'm fine. I had quite a scare. Thank God I wasn't hurt. Of course my diamonds were valuable. All my diamonds are valuable. Now, darling, I want you to call the United States and tell Vogue they can't have the photographs of the spring line until after the show. I'm not too happy with some of the designs. Still have to make some changes. Well, I'm looking at three of the gowns now and I can see horrendous mistakes. Of course Paris should be notified. Carla. The neckline on that gown is too high, don't you think? - I rather like the effect. - Do you like looking like an ostrich? - Of course not. - And Marla. Too many frills and furbelows. I don't think we should strive for the fantail pigeon look, do you? And you, Darla. That outfit's the pits. Loose where it should be tight and tight where it should be loose, like the folds on a turkey's neck. Why would I design such atrocious-looking clothes? Oh! I must be getting senile. Yes, Lady Holiday? We have to make drastic changes in the new line before the show tomorrow. All my girls are going around looking like barnyard animals. Good heavens. Who are you? My name is Miss Piggy and I would like to be a high-fashion model. Doesn't surprise me. Seems to be the way we're heading. I've always dreamed of being a Holiday model. I have brought my je ne sais quoi and my portfolio all the way here to London to see you, the one and only Lady Holiday. - May I come in? - Absolutely not. - May I show you my portfolio? - No. Good. Here. You may open it. Ah. This is me reeking grandeur. Being aloof. Being demure. Ah. Daring. Interesting range of emotions. Oh, you think so? Well, as you can see from this small sampling, modeling is my life. It is my destiny. I shall accept nothing less. I can offer you a job as a receptionist. I'll take it! I'll take it! Oh, thank you, thank you! Thank you! Oh! Oh! Oh! You won't be sorry, I promise. I can type, I can take shorthand, I can make coffee. - Oh, I can do it all. - Sit. I can sit. I'm very good at sitting. Are you quite under control? Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm! Now, I'll be lunching with my brother Nicky. He's second in command here and he's an irresponsible parasite. But I had to bring him into the business because he squandered his half of the inheritance and he has categorically no prospects. Not that he's grateful. He still gambles and incurs bad debts, uses my charge accounts, eats my food and borrows my cars without asking permission. And certainly he's not to be trusted. I wouldn't even put it past him to try to steal my most valuable and largest jewel, the fabulous Baseball Diamond. And I don't know why his bow ties are always crooked. Still, in all, he is my brother. Why are you telling me all this? It's plot exposition. it has to go somewhere. Anyway, I want you to answer the telephone while I'm gone and, um, straighten up the office. Consider it done. Mmm. Oh. - Everything's under control. - Not to sweat. Carry on. I'll be back in an hour. Whee! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! Oh, lam going to be a famous model. Oh, I'm so happy for me. Miss Piggy, you are on your way. Where does Lady Holiday get off calling me an ostrich? We'll get even with Lady Holiday tonight when we steal her necklace. What are you going to wear for the robbery? Shh. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hubba hubba! Uh, excuse me, where's Lady Holiday's office? - Round the corner, to the left. - Oh. Thank you. - Did you just give directions to a frog? - I guess I did. Smile. Is that a new photographer? Ugh. I think I'm stuck. Gonzo? Gonzo! Gonzo. Gonzo. Pull. Gonzo, are you okay? Oh, sure. it was just my nose. Hey, you guys stay here. I'll find Lady Holiday. Yes, sir. Hey, Fozzie. Come on, get your nose in here. It's really fun. Mr. Holiday? Did you order a gross of flowered socks? Oh! What an honor. You're all so wonderful. Thank you for choosing moi as model of the year. Oh! I never dreamed when I first began in this business that I would reach such lofty heights. Thank you! Thank you! Uh, excuse me. So, what do you think about the drapes, hmm? Personally, I'd rather see shutters. Yes. And on this wall here... Lady Holiday? Lady Holiday? Gee, are you okay? I don't think I'll ever be the same. Pardon? Oh. I mean, I don't usually fall like that. I thought it was a very nice fall. It was quite graceful, actually. Oh, thank you, whoever you are. My name is Kermit the Frog and I've come all the way from America to interview you for The Daily Chronicle. Me? Why me? Oh, because you're Lady Holiday. Oh. - Oh. Yeah, right. - Reason enough. Urn... You wanna help me out of this wastebasket? - Oh, yeah. - Now just pull. Okay. - Harder. - Okay. So, uh... Listen. Can I ask you a couple of questions now? No, no. Um... Not here. So busy. So much to do. Well, uh, perhaps we could have dinner tonight? Yes. Fine. Swell. See you then. I'll pick you up at your house. It must be beautiful. - I'm sure it is. - Hmm? I mean, sure it is! Yeah. So, uh, where do you live? Urn... Guess! Probably some highbrow street somewhere. Highbrow Street, absolutely right. Highbrow Street. How did you guess? Are you psychic? But now, guess what number. I don't know. Number 17? Yes, all right. 17 Highbrow Street. Okay. I'll pick you up at, shall we say... - Eight o'clock? - 5:30 p.m.? - 4:15 p.m.? - 9:20 p.m.? Seven o'clock. - Okay. That was easy. - Yes, easy. - Okay, well, I'll see you later. - Yes. 8:00. Seven. Seven, seven. Well, um... - Goodbye. - Yes. Adios, mon chri. Much obliged. So, Kermit, tell me, what about Lady Holiday? - I mean, is she pretty? - Oh, yeah. - Mmm-hmm. - Not at all what I expected. - Ah. - Nice eyes, sturdy legs. And it might have been my imagination, but, uh, I think she found me attractive. Oh. Uh, taxi! Well, of course she found you attractive. It runs in the family. Taxi! Taxi! I don't know why the cabs won't stop. Just leave it to me. Taxi! That's very effective. Yeah, it's great when it works. Did you want me to stop or what? Thank you very much, sir. Oh, you can call me Beauregard. - Where are you guys going? - Uh, the Happiness Hotel. Oh, good, that's where I'm going. How do you get there? - Haven't you ever been there? - Of course. I live there. I just don't know how to get there. - It's straight down this street. - Okay. Whoa! Okay. Good. Now just keep going straight. Will do. it takes a while to get to know the town. - How long have you lived in London? - All my life. How come you don't have an English accent? Hey, I'm lucky to have a driver's license. Hey, it's just up ahead there on the right. What is? - The Happiness Hotel. - Oh, yeah. What's your room number? I don't know. We're on the second floor. Oh, I'm sorry. I can only take you as far as the lobby. Whee! You can never find a cab when you need one. Whoo-whee! Can we do that again? Well, thank you very much, Beauregard. You're welcome. Hey, how do I get out of here? I suggest you make a U-turn. Hmm, right. He's headed for the kitchen! Oh, no! Well, looks like steering wheel souffle for dinner. Again? If you'll excuse me, I'm going out to dinner. That's right. Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday. - You don't have to tell everybody. - Oh. Right. Pops, don't tell anybody. Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday. Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday? Oh, wow. Wait till I tell the guys in the band. - Tell us what? - Yeah, what's going down? Kermit and Lady Holiday? All right! Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing. Kermit, don't worry. it won't go outside this room. Here is a Muppet news flash. Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday. Details at 11:00. Smile. Local poultry. Boy, it's a good thing you didn't tell everybody where Lady Holiday lives, otherwise they'd all be camped on her doorstep. That is just for you and me to know, brother. We are going to have ourselves a time tonight. Wacka wacka. "We"? What do you mean "we"? The two of us. You missed a spot. Anyway. When we get there tonight, just act naturally. Oh, no, no. Wait a second, wait a second. It's when I get there. This is my date with Lady Holiday. I'm going alone. So it's "me" not "we." Oh. I see. Fine. Boy, I wish I had whiskers. Of course, then I'd have to use a blade. - Kermit? Turn around. - Hmm? Are you really going to go without me tonight? Well, Fozzie, I figure this is something that I have to do alone. - No problem. - Oh, good. - Just hand me my cuff links. - Yes, sir. And straighten my tie Just drench me in rich cologne And don't ask me why Go on and pluck me a boutonnire You're moving up and walking on air Steppin' out with a star And feeling high Come polish my wing tips - And call for the car I'll sweep her right off Her feet wherever we are A satin collar and velvet vest I never settle for second best Steppin' out with a star Sad times, bye-bye Have I got style? Mmm! Have I got taste? Mmm! On someone else, I swear This savoir-faire Would be such a waste Come toss me my top hat Yes, sir! I'm ready to y Busting into the upper crust As easy as pie Just watch my dreams come true This is something I was born to do Steppin' out with a star That star is you - Have you got class? - Have I got class? - Have you got chic? - Have I got chic? To think that you and me were nobody Why, only last week Hey, guys! I'm ready to y - Kermit! - At least I can try. Just watch my dreams come true This is something I was born to do Steppin' out with a star Bye, bad times Steppin' out with a star Hey, good times Steppin' out with a star And feeling high Yeah! Well, how do I look? Which one are you? - I'm the one on the right. - Oh. Well, you look like you're gonna have a terrific time. Without me. - Fozzie? - What? You can come. - You mean it? - Mmm-hmm. Oh, boy! Great news, gang. We can go! Awfully disappointing weather today. Hmm? The weather. Awfully disappointing today. Is it, is it? Yes. Mmm, yes, yes. I know what you mean. It was rather disappointing yesterday. And the day before. What is it, Neville? Urn... Pig, um... Climbing up the outside of the house, dear. Oh. Next time they want stunts, they get a double. The day before that was awfully disappointing, too. Mmm. And of course the weekend was perfectly frightful. Never stopped raining. - Neville? - Hmm? - Am I boring you? - What, dear? - I said, "Am I boring you"? - Boring me? Oh, that's a good one. I'm having the time of my life, dear. Neville, did you say a pig was climbing up the outside of the house? Yes. Yes. Yes, I believe I did, yes. I thought so. Oh, you'd have to look a long way to find a chap who was more, urn... Stimulated than I am, yes. Oh, dear me, no, no, no. The last time I was bored, and never by you, my little armada... - What was that? - Just making a point, dear. I mean, if I was bored I'd go out and buy something, wouldn't I? Like cheese or quails' eggs. - Hmm, something like that. - Yes, I suppose you would. Yes, of course I would, dear. That's the sort of spur-of-the-moment fellow I am. What? Uh, what, dear? What would you buy if you were bored? Ah! Uh... A jar of calf's-foot jelly? I'd like to come with you and help you pick one out. Oh, that isn't necessary, Dorcas. There's no need for you to leave the house. I wouldn't mind. Haven't been outside for 12 years. Well, the weather's been most disappointing. Still, there's no reason for me to stay here all the time. The children are gone, the pets are dead, the butler's been discharged, no one ever visits us. That was the doorbell, Neville. So it was. And the butler's dead? No, no, no. The pets are dead. The butler's been discharged. Ah. I think one of us should answer it, Neville. Oh, do you? Or we could both answer it. Come, dear, I hardly think it's necessary for both of us to... I'll answer it! I thought you said the pets were dead. - Hello. - Uh... This is for you. Oh, thank you. Shall we go? You know, I've never been inside a real ritzy English house before. - Aren't you hungry? - Sure, but we've got a few minutes. Okay, let's take a few minutes. Say, nice place you got here. Yes. I practically stole it. Um, let me show you around. Who was that guy back there? - Just some sort of servant. - Mmm-hmm. Um, this, of course, is the drawing room. Mmm-hmm. Did you decorate this place yourself? I'll just close the door. It's very drafty. Uh, there's a chair and some walls. - A whirlwind tour, huh? - Yes. - This is the bedroom and, uh... Bath. - Mmm-hmm. We have hot and cold running water. There's probably a bathtub and everything. Oh, here. I want to show you something. This is the closet. Nice. Dark but nice. Ah. Sorry. Uh, don't think me rude, but is there, in fact, anything I can do for you at all? Urn... Yes. Yes, yes. Ahem. You may suggest a nice restaurant. Ah. Well, there's the Dubonnet Club. Actually that's not so much a restaurant, more a supper club. Ah. Thank you, Jeeves. No time for cocktails. Evening. Why are you staring into the closet, Neville? Ah, you recall that pig I mentioned? The one that was climbing up the side of the house? That's the chap. That's the chap. Yes, I seem to recall that. Well, he was in there just now, along with a... A lizard. I see. And what did they want? Name of a good restaurant. I told them the Dubonnet Club. That's more of a supper club than a restaurant. Yes, well, I tried to tell them that. Don't blame yourself. No. No. Hey! There they are! Whee! Kermit and his new flame. - Hubba hubba. - Ding ding! You'll have to jump in the front seat. The back seat's been quarantined. Let's hit the road. How about a little traveling music? For sure. A love song. Love song, love song. Hit it! Give me my good friends And play me my music Yeah, give me my night life Talk me that guitar And roll me that boogie Yeah, give me my night life Are these your friends? Just the ones on the fenders. Sing me the good times 'Cause I need the feeling Yeah, give me that night life Give me my nightlife Whoo, yeah! Give me my nightlife They don't have to play this loud. Oh, that's okay. They don't mind. Sing me the good times 'Cause I need the feeling Give me my nightlife Give me my nightlife Boy, a classy place like this, you'd think they'd have pretzels on the table. Well, what a delightful menu. What? Nothing. It's just sort of amusing that the roast beef is the same price as an Oldsmobile. You come here often, Lady Holiday? Oh, only on special occasions. And this is very special, Kermie. Waiter! Champagne, caviar. Hey, hey, Kermit. How are we gonna pay for this? You got about 1,600 bucks on you? Hey, relax, Kermit. I'll take care of it. Say cheese! There you go, folks. Souvenir photograph. Just gimme your name and address and ten bucks. Good evening, Lady Holiday. - Such a pleasure to see you. - Thank you, Stanley. Why, what a lovely diamond necklace. It is rather breathtaking, isn't it? I thought it a little outr, but my brother Nicky insisted that I wear it. Your table, Lady Holiday. Thank you, Stanley. Give Stanley a tip, Nicky. For complimenting you on your necklace? No, because it is customary. - I don't have any change. - Then give him something bigger. Bigger? I left my wallet at home. You left your wallet in college. How about you, folks? - Souvenir photograph? - No thanks. No picture. Aw, come on. It'll be a great memento for you and your wife. My wife isn't feeling very well. Oh, that's too bad. Maybe she should be at home. My wife is at home. Yes. Next table! That caviar was yummy. Mwah! Love those fish eggs! - Uh, Lady Holiday? - Oh. Yes? Uh, can we talk about the jewel robbery now? Oh, Kermit. Let us not talk business. Music is in the air, the night is young, and I'm so beautiful. What jewel robbery? Uh, your jewels. The ones that were stolen. You know, you have lovely eyes. You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale. Catch you later, Stanley. Aren't you happy we're here? I have grave doubts about wearing these jewels. I feel as if thieves were breathing down my neck. Thieves aren't breathing down your neck. - I want to put them in a safe. - No. - Yes. - Yes, I meant yes. Why would I say no when I meant yes? - Go and see Stanley. - Go and see Stanley? Go and see Stanley immediately. All right. If that's what you want. And don't forget to tip him. Tip. Tip. The first time you see her No bolt from the blue Just something so quiet Yet waiting for you With no one to tell you That you've got to go The first time it happens, you know The first time you see her No magical change No angels appearing No dreams to arrange Just warmer and colder Than springtime or snow The first time it happens, you know And so you fall And how complete it is And for each moment that it lasts How sweet it is The first time together How simple, how rare And just when you thought You'd forgot how to care And though you feel much more Than you dare to show The first time it happens, you know Wow. She's fantastic. The first time you see her No magical change No angels appearing No dreams to arrange Just warmer and colder Than springtime or snow The first time it happens, you know What a great number! Nicky? That's my new receptionist dancing out there. - Which one? - The pig. She's sensational. Forty-five words a minute. About average. And just when you thought You'd forgot how to care For the first time For the first time A-ha! The first time it happens The moment it happens Then suddenly There's a whole new world The first time it happens The first time it happens The first time it happens You know Bravo! Bravo! Aieee! Lady Holiday! What's happened? Was it you that screamed, "Aieee"? - She screamed right into my ear. - Of course I screamed. Somebody's just stolen my necklace. I told you this would happen. That necklace was worth a fortune. - Do something. - What do you want me to do? I spilled ketchup all over my cummerbund. For God's sake. Straighten that tie. It's Lady Holiday, her necklace, it's been stolen. "Lady Holiday"? But I thought... Kermit. I think I've got a picture of the thief. - Oh, great. - Yeah! But... This is great, Gonzo. You popped the flash just before the soup landed on his tie. Yeah, well, photography's an art. You gotta have the right film, you gotta have the right exposure, and you gotta scream just before they get the food to their mouth. What's going on in there? Lot of folks out here want to use the rest room. Well, we're developing these pictures. We'll be out as soon as we finish. - Ah, we're trying to catch a jewel thief. - A jewel thief. Well, catch him in another room. People are dancing up and down on one leg out here. Hurry, Gonzo. There's gotta be a picture of somebody taking Lady Holiday's necklace. Well, I don't know. I still think that pig took it. - Oh, she wouldn't steal. - Why not? She lied. That's two different things. Besides, she couldn't have stolen the necklace because she was dancing. That's right. There's that old adage, you can't dance and steal at the same time. No, that's, "You can't walk and chew gum at the same time." Oh, no. I think it's, "You can't pat your head "and rub your stomach at the same time." What's the difference? She didn't steal the necklace. - I bet you I can do it. - Do what? Pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time. Big deal, anybody can do that. Would you guys out it out? We're wasting time. - Hey, here it is. - What? What? What? What? Oh, look at that. It's that guy sitting next to Lady Holiday and those girls standing in the back. It's probably the same gang that pulled that first job. - Wow! - Yes, and we got them with their hands in the cookie jar. What's going on? What is this, anyway? Aw. The cookie jar just busted. Look, Dad. There's a bear. No, Christine, that's a frog. Bears wear hats. - How you doing, young fella? - Oh... Okay, I guess. Penny for your thoughts. Well, it's a long story. - But a familiar one, I bet. - Mmm. Older than the hills. I've been there, my friend. - I've been there and back. - Mmm. You know, I see the way you're sitting here and I see the way you've got your hand around that little shoe, and that's all I need. I know your whole story. Mmm, you do? Absolutely. I know exactly what happened to you. What? Well, I tell you, friend. What happened was you and your brother-in-law Bernie, you cashed in your stock certificates and your insurance policy and you went out and bought a dry-cleaning establishment. Mmm? Now, another place opens up down the street and it's charging less. And they're getting the stuff out faster because they got more help. - It's not your fault. Right? - Mmm. All right. So Bernie comes to you, he says, "I want you to buy me out." He says he's fed up. Well, your kids are growing up, you never see 'em, and all of a sudden they're turning into juvenile delinquents, and your wife is saying to you, "Listen, you care more about this lousy business "than you care about me." And the equipment breaks down and your sister moves in with you because that jerk Bernie, he went and joined the circus. Well, you had it up to here, right? You didn't know what to do. So what did you do? - You did the only thing you could do. - Mmm. You dumped the business for a song. - And who did you sell it to? - Who? You sold it to that jerk down the street, that slob that had been burying you for a year. Then you took whatever money you had left and you sunk it into the glass slipper business. That's your story, my friend. Not a happy one, is it? Mmm-mmm. You know, it's amazing. You are 100% wrong. I mean, nothing you've said has been right. Oh, yeah? Well, how about this... I hate to be rude, but, uh, we're trying to do a movie here. - Oh, yeah? - Mmm-hmm. Oh, I didn't know that. Gee, I'm sorry. Listen, one thing, son. Would you like to buy a watch? No. Movie stars. Get your filthy hands off me! I beg your pardon, young lady! Just keep your hands to yourself, turkey. Hey, you. Well, well, well. If it isn't the fake Lady Holiday. Hello. "Hello"? Last night you never even said goodbye. Oh, Kermit, that was just silliness. But you lied to me. You used me. Oh, Kermit, please, let me explain. Kermit. - My name is Miss Piggy. I am a model. - Yeah. I only lied because I wanted to be with you. Yeah, well, I saw the way you were dancing with that guy last night. - Oh, Kermit. - Well, lemme tell you something. Your dancing partner happens to be a jewel thief. What do you think of that? - You're jealous. - I am not. You are. You are, you are, you are, you are. Oh, Kermit, I'm sorry. Oh, please don't go, Kermit. Please. - Mmm. - Please don't go. Kermit, please. Oh, please, I'm sorry. Please. - Piggy. Piggy, hold it. - Please, please, please. - Piggy. Piggy? - Please, please, please. - You're overacting. - What? You're overacting. You're hamming it up. I am not. I am trying to save this movie. Oh, yeah? Well, save your performance instead. I am playing 800 different emotions. Well, try to play one of them right. Oh, oh! I have a career of my own. I know all about your career, Pig. I don't need this lousy duck pond here. Sure you don't need a lousy duck pond. - I'll just walk. - Okay, sure. Go ahead, walk. Okay? - Should I walk? Then I'll walk. - Walk! Go ahead and walk. Oh, Piggy. - Listen. - I'm doing my best. I know you are. Piggy, I'm sorry. We gotta get back to the movie though. All right. All right, all right, all right. Kermit, I'm sorry I left you last night at the nightclub. Oh, well, that's okay, Piggy. - Oh, Kermie. - Oh, Piggy. Pretty day, sunny sky Lovely pictures dance in your eye It all seems so right It all feels so rare Summer soft sudden breeze Watch the wind play tag in the trees The world is so bright So perfectly fair Lovers sing, children dance For a minute we've got a chance Why couldn't we fly? I know we'd get by Couldn't we fly? Sunny sky, pretty day Just a push and we're on the way Yes, couldn't we ride Side by side? Whoa! Whoa! "Look, Ma, no brains." Hup. Whoo! Miss Piggy. Whoa. Wah! Oof! Why couldn't we fly? I know we'd get by - Sunny sky - Pretty day Just a push and we're on the way Yes, couldn't we ride Side by side? Couldn't we ride? Gangway! Watch it. Coming through. She's wonderful. She's so wonderful. She certainly seems to know where she's going. It's time. All right, everybody. Keep it moving. Don't linger. We just want to give them a hint, a taste, a soupcon. Appetizers not four-course meals. Marie. I don't think we should chew gum. Stephanie, those false eyelashes are coming unglued. Those shoes are scuffed. - I know where they are. I'll get them... - Sorry. Watch it, buster. Oh. Mr. Holiday, I'm sorry. Hello. - Miss... - Piggy. - Miss Piggy? - Right. Of course. Have dinner with me tonight. Mr. Holiday, really, I'm very busy. - Could we meet just for a moment? - Underwear, underwear, underwear. Just one brief moment, Miss Piggy. Miss... - Hmm? - Miss Piggy. You're a very different-looking woman. I'm so tired of the same type. Those tall, thin creatures with the long legs, the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin. Yeah, well, I can see why that might make you sick to your stomach. - Please now... Please... - Miss Piggy. No! Please! No. Please, please. Don't put a door between us. - Hi. - Oh, Kermit. I was looking for the men's room. Kermit, I just want you to meet someone. This is Nicky Holiday. Mr. Holiday, this is Kermit, my special friend. Oh. Nice to meet you. Well, excuse me. Hmm. - Need I say more? - He's a frog, isn't he? Yes. Miss Piggy. We could've had something very, very special. Now, I can't be responsible for what might happen. Yeah, well, uh, c'est la vie. I don't know why you love her like you do. I don't know why. I just do. Well, you'd better snap out of it, and fast. We've got to plant the goods on her to take the heat off us. I know the plan. I just wish there was another way. It's the only way. Especially now the cops are starting to ask questions. Okay, I'll do my job. When I give the signal, you do yours. Forgive me, Miss Piggy. Am I dressed right for this? - You look fine, Fozzie. - Thank you. And now, without further ado, roses, hyacinths, lilacs and bluebells - make up our first fashion bouquet. - Ooh! Pretty nice lines, huh? Yes and the dresses aren't bad either. Here's capricious Carla, a dream in hyacinth-blue chiffon with the classic allure of the white pleated collar and cuffs. The skirt, a flutter of godets, all complemented by the cloudy folds of blue forming the perfect flower-framing hat. Fantastique. And thank you, Carla. Pretty good-looking duds. I found the white pleated collar alluring, but I was rather taken aback by the flutter of godets. Mmm-hmm. And now here's delicious Darla in a swirl of apricot silk above a tight bodice with a cleverly draped dcolletage. Finishing with roses to match the confection of flowers and silk on her head, forming a teeny-weeny hat. Oh. Ow! My knee. I think I've twisted it. You all right? You've got to get up! You've got to go on! I can't go on! Oh! You poor thing. Oh, don't worry, Marla. I'll stay right here with you. You can't. You've got to go on in her place. And now, the Lady Holiday swimwear collection. Hey, Waldorf, wake up. Here come the bikinis. Oh, boy. We'd better synchronize our pacemakers. A cloud of lavender starburst pleating surrounds our next model. Oh, I say! A miracle of spring A miracle of beauty Be dazzled by the magic of one smile A vision of loveliness A universe of charms We'll never rest until you're in our arms Daffodils, Miss Piggy Whippoorwills, Miss Piggy Everything that's lovely Warm and spring, Miss Piggy Fantasy, Miss Piggy Ecstasy, Miss Piggy All that's fair or fine or wonderful Or anything, Miss Piggy Where does the rapture Begin and grow? Where does Devotion and passion go? Happiness, Miss Piggy One caress, Miss Piggy All the world's ever wanted was you A dream come true Oh, Miss Piggy, it's you Where does the rapture Begin and grow? Where does Devotion and passion go? Happiness, Miss Piggy One caress, Miss Piggy All the world's ever wanted was you A dream come true Oh, Miss Piggy, it's you It's you It's you Oh, Miss Piggy, are you okay? Yeah, sure. I was just looking for my contact lens. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, dear. Oh, you poor thing. Excuse me. Here, put this on. - You'll get a chill. - Thank you very much. - You all right'? - I don't know what happened. I must've tripped. Wait a minute. What's this? I don't think these belong to me. Do you recognize this? That was my necklace. But where are the diamonds? - Where are the diamonds? - Miss Piggy stole my necklace. - No. - Miss Piggy, how could you? No! No! I don't know anything about it! Somebody must've put it... You! - It was you! Kermit was right. - Oh, no, no, no! You're a phony! Yes, you are. And you know what? You can't even sing! Your voice was dubbed. Watch out, guys. Kermit! Don't worry, Miss Piggy. We'll get you out of this. It just goes to show you can't trust anybody. Excuse me, Lady Holiday, will you be hiring any more pigs? Well, I shall certainly think twice about it. Kermit, find out if they'll let me keep the costumes. What about your most famous piece of jewelry, the fabulous Baseball Diamond? As from Monday, the fabulous Baseball Diamond will go on permanent display at the Mallory Gallery. I shall never have it either on my person or in my possession again. That's right. It'll be in our possession. Tuesday at midnight we'll go to the Mallory Gallery. The Baseball Diamond will be ours. So there I was, backstage under a table. I was doing a little photographic essay on kneecaps, and I heard 'em planning to steal the Baseball Diamond. Bummer. - So what's the plan, man? - I already told you. Tuesday, midnight, at the Mallory Gallery. That's all I know. You mean they're really gonna try to steal the diamond? Quiet! "Look, Mother, it's my life, okay? "So if I want to live on a beach and walk around naked..." Oh. Now, if we wanna get Miss Piggy out of jail, we're gonna have to catch those thieves red-handed. Yes, Beau? What color are their hands now? Now, we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous mission. There could be physical violence, there could be gunplay, and there's a slightest chance that somebody might even get killed. So if anybody wants out, now is the time to say it. - I'm out. - Me, too. - Ditto. - Meep. Don't we have a gig around here, or something or somewhere? Yeah, sorry. I got a dental appointment. - It's like this, Kermit. - I have to go to work all day. Hold it! Shame on you. I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done. We don't want the bad guys to win. We've got to do this for justice. For freedom. For honesty. Boy, do I feel ashamed. Me, too. I feel like two cents. - I'm back in. - You can count on me. Oh, hey, I was only joking. Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun to go out there and risk our lives. - Yeah! - All for one and one for all. Yeah! At times like this I am proud to be an American. Hmm. Thank you. I knew I could count on each and every one of you. Fozzie, are you okay? That took a lot out of me. Okay. Now we don't have any time to waste, so everybody gather 'round. And the first thing we have to do is make our plans. - Right. - Whoa! Or we could get some sleep. Miss Piggy? What? Your lawyer is here to see you. Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer. Ah, sure you do. Little green guy. Kermie! Oh! No wonder he hasn't come by to see me. He had to finish law school. Oh, Kermit! Oh! Two minutes, pig. Oh, Kermie. Oh, I've missed you so. Please. The name is Rosenthal. I'm your attorney. That's the only way they'd let me in here. Oh, right. Oh, I've missed you so... Rosenthal. It's been an eternity. It's been 45 minutes. Time goes slow in the cooler. Well, I just want you to know that we're gonna get you out of here, 'cause we're gonna catch those thieves red-handed. What color are their hands now? I don't think this is the time for that type of humor. When you're in stir you take the laughs when you can get 'em, Rosenthal. Yeah, well, anyway, just stay put because we've got a plan and we're gonna prove you're innocent. You see, tomorrow night, precisely at midnight, those thieves are gonna try to steal Lady Holiday's Baseball Diamond from the Mallory Gallery. - And we're gonna stop 'em. - Oh, Kermit, be careful. Don't worry because I've got Gonzo and Fozzie and all our friends from the Happiness Hotel to help. - Those clowns? - Mmm-hmm. Great. I'll be stuck in the big house for life. "Big house"? Is that prison talk? Yeah, "big house," "squealer," "slammer." That's the lingo we use here in the joint. Yeah. Well, you may talk tough, Miss Piggy, but underneath I know you're still the same beautiful, sensitive, vulnerable woman I was out with the other night. The one who scarfed down all that caviar. You have such a way with words. I love you, Rosenthal. You're wearing my mustache. Yeah, well, you have mesh marks on your face. - Glass cutter? - Check. - Nylon rope? - Check. - Computer deprogrammer? - Check. - Stopwatch? - Check. - Pocket laser? - Check. - Infrared reflex? - Check. - Portable detonator? - Check. - Whoopee cushion? - I think it's in the bus. - Rubber raft? - it's got holes in it. Bag of chickens? - Fake vomit? - it's on order. - Frisbee? - Oh, uh, lost. - Pneumatic drill? - Check. - Computer printout? - Check. - Radar gun? - Check. - Walkie-talkies? - Check. - Wax lips? - Man, I just had 'em. Did you leave them in your other pants? I don't have no other pants. - Yoyo? - For sure. - Harpoon gun? - That's you. Check. All right, team. Let's go for it. - Peanut butter? - Animal ate it. Sorry. Well, Kermit, I guess that's it. All right, everybody. Let's go for it. Go for it! Beauregard. Back it up here. Shh. Shh. - Okay. Quiet. - Shh! Okay. You guys all got your disguises in place? Shh. Wow. Oh! - Wow! - Shh. - I'm taking a picture. - Shh. Rowlf, hand me the blowtorch. Blowtorch? Who said anything about a blowtorch? I got some paper towels. How are we supposed to cut through the bars if nobody brought stuff to cut with? I brought some hot mustard. Maybe that'll eat through the bars. Eat through the bars! - Animal? - What? Hey. Why don't you see if you can eat through these iron bars. Eat through bars. Goggy! The cops! Do you know where Lady Holiday's Baseball Diamond is being kept? Funnily enough, I do. It's at the Mallory Gallery, a virtually impregnable fortress, - many miles from here. - Oh. I only have a half an hour to get there. On foot? You'll never make it. I know. How about a ride? You can read, I presume? Oh, couldn't you make an exception for little old moi? Not even for little old vous. - Pretty please? - No! I've tried to be nice. - Huh? - Hi-yah! Hey. What's all the racket? What are you doing here? A very brief cameo. Me, too. Breaker one, this is Hamhock. Do you read me'? Loud and clear, Hamhock. This is Dirty Bird. What's your 20, over? Well, good buddy, we're westbound out of Highgate. Any smokies between me and Blimeytown? Negatory, Hamhock. You're free and clear. Ten-four, Dirty Bird. Much obliged. We got the hammer down and we gone. I never ordered no pepperoni. It's right here on the slip. Medium pepperoni with double cheese. That'sa right. We don'ta make them, - we justa deliver them. - Mmm-hmm. Somebody here called Pizza Twins, and that's us. What's the name on that slip? Uh... - What's your name? - Henderson. - That's it! That's the name on the slip. - Ah. Uh... - But I hate pepperoni. - I'll eat it. - Stand by, guys. - Right! Ooh. 'Ere. Just one moment. Can I see that slip? Uh... Uh, Well... Actually, this is the wrong slip. That slip, sir, you said it had my name on it. Oh, thata slip. Uh, uh, uh, thata slip we left at home. But we gota the pepperoni. - But I hate pepperoni. - Hate pepperoni. Right. How about you could feed it to the dogs? Oh, yes. That'sa right. Here, sir. Oh, that's very thoughtful of you. Thank you very much, sir. What am I? A glutton for punishment? - Hey, Fozzie... - Shh! Fozzie, how do we get in? Why don't we just ring the doorbell? No, no, no. There's got to be another way. Well, you'd better think of it pretty quick. Those dogs have nearly finished the pizza. I know. The roof. Oh, man. No way we'll ever get up there. Phew. So far I'm not having any fun. Let me talk to 'em. Woof woof. Woof woof. it helps to know a second language. It's nearly midnight. What am I going to do? Hey! Hey, you! Hey! What an unbelievable coincidence. Now, this window probably has an alarm system on it. Ah, my assistant Beaker will check it out. Go on, Beaker. Very good, Beaker. Now it's perfectly safe. Oh, good. Animal, do your stuff. Sorry. There it is. The fabulous Baseball Diamond. How are we gonna get down there? I suggest we jump. Are you crazy? That's about a hundred feet. I didn't say it was a good suggestion. Maybe we could jump partway. Oh, boy, what do we do now? We're just gonna have to go down there and catch those thieves red-handed. What color are their hands now? We'll just have to improvise. We'll make a ladder out of whatever will hold us. Good idea. Here's the paper towels. I'm coming, Kermie! Well, you wanted excitement. Excuse me, I don't think that belongs to you. Say cheese! Woman! Hey, nice catch, Animal. - Heads up, Lew. - Over here, Rowlf! Yeah, got it! Hot potato! Keep away. Here we go. I got it. Thank you. Be careful, guys. Catch it. Get him! Still got a good eye. Welcome to the wild world of Muppet sports. This is Louis Kazagger with a play-by-play - of the game. - Woman! And it looks like ladies' night here at the gallery. - Peekaboo. - Hey! Ba-ba-do-be-bop. Okay. Here she comes, boy! Hey, way to chuck, way to look, way to move! Popcorn, popcorn. Get your red-hot popcorn. Popcorn, chicken? Woman! Woman! Okay, okay. Lew Zealand leads off the order as we join the game. Whoa! Chuck it to me, Beakie baby. Pitchy witchy, Beaker. Pitcher, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn! Picture of the pitcher. Wait for what you want, Lew, baby. Rah, rah, rah! Beaker goes into the windup. It's the pitch. It's a high fly ball to Kermit the Frog. I got it. I got it. I got it. Hey, gimme that diamond, you crook. Come on, guys. Get him. - All right. Back off! - Ooh! But, Nicky, why are you doing this? Why am I doing this? Because I'm a villain. It's pure and simple. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir. Would you let Kermit go? If you hold him too long he'll just give you warts. Oh, no. He's coming with us. Come on, girls. Let's get out of here. Hi-yah! Hi-yah! - Hi-yah! - Ow! Watch out! Miss Piggy! Yeah! Way to go! Ha, ha, ha, ha. Bye-bye. - You were magnificent, Miss Piggy. - I did it all for you. - Could I have just a moment? - Oh, thank you. Por nada. Oh. - I really did care for you, you know. - I know. We could've had the world on a silver platter. That silver's turned to iron bars, Nicky. Don't hate me, Miss Piggy. Oh, I don't. It's just that somehow along the road I found out the difference between wrong and right. You're wrong... He's right. Huh. Would you believe it, Statler? They're heroes. Now they're gonna be obnoxious. So what else is new? Well, I say all's well that ends well. It doesn't matter to me as long as it ends. it was nice of The Chronicle to pay for our flight home. Yeah, but a man should be treated better than his luggage. Yeah, well, my luggage was sucked out the door. Luckily my radio's frozen to my wrist. Okay, guys. Everybody out for the USA. Oh, boy. How close are we? Oh, about 30,000 feet. - You mean... - Yup. Happy landing! Whoa! Come on, carrot top. - We've had comedy - We've had mystery We've had a real good time and solved a crime real easily - Hey, a movie - I just can't believe they did it - Starring everybody - And me! - There was spectacle - There was fantasy - Where we took a chance - And saw romance end happily In a movie Oh, Kermie! I just love a happy ending - One for everybody Everybody - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody - Everybody Everybody in the world - And me. - And me. - And me. - And me. - And me. - And me. And me. And me. - And me. - And me. - And me. - And me. And me. - And me. - And me. And me. Just warmer and colder Than springtime or snow The first time it happens, you know And so you fall And how complete it is And for each moment that it lasts How sweet it is Wait a minute! Wait! Hold it right there. Don't go home yet. Say cheese. I'll send you each a copy.