Movie Date: July 1, 1975
What do you think, Theodore? He looks like a real live one. Come on! All right! Get him with the rope! Huh? Rope him! Well, throw it! Maybe we could head him off at the pass. Mm-hmm. Maybe we can do a little better this time. Two of diamonds. Jack of diamonds. Three of diamonds. Queen of diamonds. Ace of diamonds. Ten of hearts. Well, how proud are you of that ace, Leonard? Ace bets a dollar. A dollar. There was a time around here when a jack high was worth a poke of gold. I'm in. Me too. I'm folding. Well, i'm in. Did the mines dry up? Quake of '65 pinched off the veins, but the quake we had two years ago finished us off for good. Hasn't been ten cents' worth of gold taken out of quake city since. Ace, ten still high, Leonard. Bet a dollar. I was wondering about that name, quake city. When you build a town on top of the calaveras fault, you can figure to get shook up once in a while. Ten. Me too. Ain't that bad, homer. We've still got two fine saloons, our own theater... and the only hook and ladder this side of chicago. You planning to settle down here, mr. Donavan? No, no, no. I'm working my way to new orleans. Soon as i get a big enough stake, I'm gonna open up my own place. First class too... red carpets, crystal chandeliers from europe, two roulette tables. Good evening, gents. Homer. If you need a haircut, wintle, my barbershop's closed. If you're lookin' to sue somebody, my court's open every second tuesday. If you want the sheriff, i'm playin' poker. Deuces bet a dollar. No, judge. It's just that i'm leaving for san francisco tonight. San francisco's loss is quake city's gain. Leonard? The trouble is... that i'm expecting some valuables on tomorrow's stage, and i can't be here to pick them up. Me neither. Oh. Yes. Hmm. Mayor sharpe? Got a council meeting tomorrow. I'm in. What kind of valuables, john? Well, bless my suspender buttons. Donavan! I haven't seen you since, uh... santa fe? - Right. When you sold me the marshal's horse? Right. I was just funnin', donavan. - The marshal wasn't amused. Well, now, old friend, maybe i can make it up to you. Two pairs bets two dollars. Like i say, i'm expecting valuables on the stage. I'm in. Like what? Oh, things a person wouldn't leave lying around without somebody responsible... like yourself... to keep an eye on it. There's a game going on, wintle. There's your two, and raise you five. You couldn't have hit an inside straight again. I'll call ya. If you'll claim them for me, i'll make it worth your while, besides repaying what i charged you for the marshal's horse. The mayor raised five. It's just till i come back, governor. Are you in or not? Uh... here's five on account, if you can use it. I don't know how you came by five dollars, but i'll apply it to your loan at the bank. It's a deal? It's a deal. I'm in. Thanks, donavan. Thanks. You won't forget? - I won't forget. Thanks. All right, let's see 'em. Hit it again! - I don't believe that. Welcome to quake city, mr. Donavan. Iooks like luck's against you. Well, there's one good thing about luck. It always changes, and i've got a feeling that mine is just around the corner. Again? Whoa! Whoa! Well, they saddled up in boston, still wet behind the ears?? And they made their way across the wild frontier?? As they sought their fame and fortune?? Their legend up and sprang?? And they soon became the apple dumpling gang?? And they called them the apple dumpling gang?? It wasn't long they'd been gone?? From the eastern shore?? People knew their name from far and near?? They sure shook up quake city some folks was out to hang?? All the riders of the apple dumpling gang?? And they called them the apple dumpling gang?? It wasn't jesse james or old black bart?? For whom the posses rode?? Even though there was a price upon their heads?? It was celia bobby and clovis?? The town folks up and sang?? 'Bout the threesome called the apple dumpling gang?? And they called them the apple dumpling gang?? And they called them the apple dumpling gang???? Well, here it is, folks, quake city. Much obliged, ralph. Hotel's across the street. You can get somethin' to eat there... or at the hard times cafe. And take your stuff with you. There's two bits charged for packages stored overnight. You got anything broken in transit, report it to the ticket office tomorrow mornin' at 5:00. Excuse me. Mornin', dusty. My weeklies come? Mornin', sheriff. Yeah, they're in the mail pouch. Excuse me, but do you have something for john wintle? Right in front of you. Oh, thank you. Not there in front of you. Therein front of you. Sign here. For what? Ain't you claimin' them for wintle? I am not. Last night you said you was. Took five dollars in advance, as i recall. Yes, but, uh, but that was to pick up some valuables, but not a bunch of runny-nosed kids. They're in good shape, mister, just as good as when i got 'em. Now sign here. Uh, pardon me. May i speak to anyone in authority? How about the founder and president of the line? Perfect. Pa? You wanna hear this feller out? Colonel t.r. Clydesdale, at your service, sir. Well, uh, colonel clydesdale, sir, uh, there appears to be... an unfortunate misunderstanding about the children. You see, i didn't... to cut through the fat, this saddle blanket tinhorn agreed to pick up these kids for john wintle, and now he's tryin' to weasel out of it. Magnolia! - "Magnolia"? And where are... the legal guardians of these waifs? Their folks passed away back east is what i get from 'em. They've been shipped out here to john wintle. He's their second uncle, or something. And where is john wintle? Halfway to san francisco, i'd say. All i know is, the stage made delivery... to the consignee or his agent, and that seems to be you, mister. What youdowith them is your business. That argument wouldn't hold up in any court of law, and you know it. It would in my court, and i'm the law around here. But, sheriff, look. Sheriff, i didn't know they were children. Now, i'm not a family man. Mister, i gotta go. Yeah, just as soon as we get this straightened out. Now, sheriff, i... i have no... i have no place to keep them. Wintle's got a shack on the edge of town. Mister, i gotta go bad! - She can't wait too long, mister. Take my word for that. - It might be prudent to resolve... the more imminent problem, uh, forthwith. All right. Fine. Come on. Let's go. Oh, where did you say wintle's shack was? Well, you go to the edge of town, turn left, and just beyond that old pile of shoring timbers... well, i'll... i'll show you. Hey! Oh, uh, i'll be right back. Just hold on. What? Right here. Oh. Magnolia. Meanwhile, rest assured that the butterfly stage and freight company... will make every endeavor to satisfy... uh, the problem to the ultimate, uh, satisfaction... of all concerned parties. Uh... "unfortunately, mr. Bradley's lingering illness left him destitute, "and there are no monies left in the estate. "However, mr. Bradley felt that revenues from his share of the commodore mine... would more than provide for the care and well-being of his children." I guess when wintle got this, he didn't want to be saddled with the kids, so he decided on a change of scenery. Anything would be an improvement. Yeah. Well, now, the way that i see it, until we know one way or the other, uh, exactly what wintle had in mind, the children are wards of this town, right? Wrong. There is no funds nor facilities for orphans in quake city. Well, you don't expect me to be able to take care... donavan, this is just a half-portion of a town, but we do have certain what you might call rules to live by. Well, i... you don't jump another man's claim. You don't steal his wife, woman or whiskey. You don't strike a bargain... and then entertain second thoughts about the matter. Any one of these offenses can make you... the exalted guest of honor at a hemp party. Uh... no, i'd say you'd best... keep these youngsters or provide... for their safekeeping. Well, it's time i was getting back to my barbershop. Oh, and, uh, donavan, i wouldn't go on no long rides if i was you. No. No. When are we gonna eat? - Uh, just... just a little while now. Oh! Clovis don't like to be touched. Don't he? Nope. Now what? - Clovis, now put it back! Come on, you two. Clovis, give it to me. I mean it! No more playing around the fire. Gimme it! Will you stop? Now listen to me. I don't want any more... clovis don't like to be... i know. Clovis don't like to be touched. Gimme it, clovis. Will you stop? Give me that. Let me see what the fuss is about. "Commodore mine, december 3, 1871." Commodore's our mine now. - Well, it's just an old ore sample. Is it valuable? - If it was, it wouldn't be here. Our dad said there's gold in the commodore mine. Everyone says there's gold in their mine. What's that? It's salt pork... i think. It looks like fat. - Well, whatever it is, it's dinner. That's dinner? - That's dinner. Couldn't you make us apple dumplings instead? No. Why not? Because even if i could make apple dumplings, i wouldn't make them for you or anybody else. Bobby? It's raining on celia again. Then move celia again! There's no more dry places to move her. Bobby, w... oh, no, not my salt pork. What have i done to deserve this? Who are you talking to? It doesn't matter. I don't think he's listening to me anyway. Evenin'. Had some extra son-of-a-gun stew. Was either throw it out or bring it up here. Huh. Stopped raining. You know, it's really amazing. What is? The way those kids settled right down for you. Well, when you're dead on your feet and you get your belly full, you get sleepy. What's amazing about that? - Oh, you underestimate yourself. I think i can say without hesitation... that was the best son-of-a-gun stew that i've ever had. Really? Yeah, and you saw the way the kids polished off their plates. You know, i think it's a crime... that someone with your culinary talent... well, i guess you'd really have to call it magic... hasn't a family to share it with. You tryin' to dump those kids on me, or you workin' on somethin' else? I am merely trying to point out... that you have a natural way with children. You're barkin' up the wrong tree, mister. My advice to you is, get yourself a job and look after your kids. They're not my kids! - Yes, they are, till you find somebody else to take 'em off your hands. Night. It's dripping on me again. Oh. I, uh, i'm very attached to the little fellas, but i'm, uh, i'm a bachelor, you see, and i'm really in no position to care for them, not like you and your attractive wife could. I'm sure there must be room here for three small children. It would just be until mr. Wintle gets back. Hey! Ma'am, i can... oh, get out of the way! Come on! Come on! Get outta there! Get out! Why? Don't get your feet wet. I'm really very attached to the little fellas, you see, but i'm in no position to care for them. Howdy, ma'am. Good morning. But they're all healthy specimens, sound of wind and limb. They don't eat much. They'd be a lot of help around here. They could... no! - Ow! I can explain about that. Uh, he's the only one that does that. You see, he's just a little sensitive, that's all. Uh, no, really! The other ones... come on. Get out! Ma'am, that little girl could help you in the kitchen. She could wash your dishes and scrub your personal clothes! Come on. Good day, sir. I can see that you're a man of substance. I have an interesting proposition i thought that might... ah. The lady of the house. Kids. Yech! The children are marvelous about parties. They love parties themselves. Come on. If you could just... one small look at them... who was that, mr. Donavan? The president of the garden club. All right, come on. Mr. Donavan? Look! Get out of there! - Celia! Bein' a family man's quite a responsibility. I'm hungry. - Naturally. Hard times cafe serves a nice lunch. Thanks. Come on, kids. Come on. Pair of tens wants the money. Doggone. I guess that sure beats ace, queen high. Well, i'm on my last card too. All right, you kids find something to do, and stay out of trouble. Where ya goin'? - I have a few sheep to fleece. Ace bets a dollar. Two, deuce. Jack. Oh, a king. What's a "millstone"? I don't know. Why? Mr. Donavan said he doesn't want... three millstones hanging around his neck. I gotta show you where we're gonna put it inside. Then we won't have to move it again. You don't want to move something as delicate as this twice. What is it, bobby? I don't know. Ow! Go on! Get away from there! This thing's come halfway across the country, and i don't want anything happening to it now! Get! Get! Get! All right, let's move it in now, fellas. Real careful now. Move it in. What did he say? I think he's afraid we'll get his laundry dirty. What's that up there? Looks like a mine. A mine? Is it ours? Could be. Let's go see. Pair of jacks. No improvement. Three of hearts. Five of clubs. Ace of hearts and king of spades. Kings bet. Kings bet ten dollars. I'm in for ten. I'm in. I'm in. There's your ten, and i'll raise you twenty. Twenty? I don't believe you got 'em. Cost you 20 to find out. That's kills me. I'm in. Now there's a man from missouri. I fold. All right, let's see 'em. Well, three jacks. Three jacks? Uh, another round for the gentlemen, please. I believe i've also won the, uh, the deal. Wow! How much money you figure that dude's got in front of him? 'Bout 500. 500? Wow! You know, that'd be, uh... that's 200 apiece. I told you he was a real live one, didn't i? Right. All right, now, as soon as he leaves, we jump him, right? In broad daylight? We get him when the time is right. Let's get out of here before he starts gettin' suspicious. Two dollars. Okay. I'm in for two dollars. Okay. And the pot is right. A pair of sixes. Four to the deuce. A pair of ladies. Jack to the three. Ten to the four, and a jack to the six. Iook! It's a little train. It's not a train, celia. What is it? It's a cart to haul dirt. This isn't our mine at all. It's the moonridge number two. Hey! Come on, now. All aboard! Get out of there. Come on, clovis. You and celia get out of there. Put the brake on! It's stuck! Whoa! Whoa! Duck! Look out, bobby! I can't steer it! Uh-oh! Stop the train, bobby! - I can't. Hang on, celia! Uh-oh! Oh, whoa! We're coming to a fence. Get down! Move it, move it, move it! Get the sheriff! It's so much fun and it's no pity?? Taking suckers in quake city?? Doo-dah, doo-dah???? That's him! They're his kids! Don't bother putting that away, mister. Now, just one minute! Now. One mirror, $300. What are you talking about? I was in the... one melodeon. I don't own a melodeon. You do now. How 'bout my chickens? Why do we have to go to bed so early? Because if you're asleep, you just might stay out of trouble. What's that? That is a cherished token of a lady's affection. I'm sure you'll understand, belle. - You're gonna sell it? I might raise a little investment capital on it, should the need arise. If you'd go get the gold in the commodore mine, you could keep the cherished token of a lady's affection. There is no gold in that hole in the ground. If there was, someone would have found it years ago. And i don't have to answer... to three whelps who aren't even dry behind the ears yet. Mr. Donavan? - What? I gotta go. - You just went. I gotta go again. - That's impossible. Go to sleep. I'm gonna have an accident. All right, come on. I like you, mr. Donavan. Psst! Hey! What makes you think that gambler's gonna come by this way? Well, he come this way the last time, didn't he? Well, that don't mean... amos, will you stop tryin' to think? Now come on. Get up on top of that roof. You know something? Why do i have to go through this foofaraw of dropping a bucket on him? Why don't i just throw down on him and say, "hand it over"? And if he just keeps on walkin', then what? Well, then i'll call to him, and then i'll start throwin' lead. You know somethin', amos? The lord poured your brains in with a teaspoon, and somebody joggled his arm! I keep tryin' to tell ya, we ain't got no lead to throw and no powder to throw it with! Oh, that's right. I keep forgettin'. Come on. This is gonna be easier than robbin' a bird's nest. Right. Now you get up on that roof and wait. I'll give you a hoot-owl call when he comes. Hoo! Hoo! That's good. I'll tell you what. I'll answer with a whippoorwill. That's good. Good! All right, i got it. Here it is. I got it. The hash knife gang rides again! I should have heard from jay gould regarding my amalgamation proposal. Iook into that first thing in the mornin', magnolia. Yes, pa. We'll be needin' new equipment, of course. Yes, pa. Don't you worry about finances, little lady. Leave all that to me. Yes, pa. Now i have to stop in here and see some people, magnolia. Yes, pa. Good night, pa. Where you off to? Well, after i drop this at the harness shop, i'll head back to the barn and fix the brake pedal on the stage. And then when i'm through with that, i've got diablo's teeth to file. He's not gettin' much out of his food lately. And then, when i'm through with diablo, there's that cracked singletree to fix. Aside from that, i got a free evening. Uh-huh. Well, run along and enjoy yourself, my dear. Remember, these are the best years of your life. Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Ah! Hoo! Hoo! - Yeah. I'm comin'. Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo-hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Amos! Evenin'. Evening. Well, that's what i call solid comfort. Yeah. It's very pretty. Where are the children? Fed and in bed. You know, i'm not sure, but i think two men tried to waylay me. What? Yeah. Back there. Probably just theodore and amos. Who are theodore and amos? - Used to ride with the stillwell gang. The stillwell gang? Really? Till amos accidentally shot stillwell in the leg. They call themselves the hash knife outfit now. Hmm. They're pretty harmless for the most part. Mm-hmm. Hey. Buy you a drink? I'm sorry. I, uh... i just wasn't thinking of you as a wo... i'm sorry. Mr. Donavan! We're going to the mine to get some gold! You want to come with us? Not so loud, and just a little bit slower. Where are you going? To dig some gold out of our mine. Then we don't have to eat biscuits and greens all the time. Mr. Purvis in the assay office says it's on bald hill. Will you come with us, mr. Donavan, huh? No. - But why? Because my head hurts, and because there is no gold in that hole in the ground. Our pa said there was. Then you go get it. And i'm going to go get some sleep. You know, leonard, with the kind of luck you have, you ought to play poker for a living... and have banking as a hobby, instead of the other way around. Thank you, friend. Thank you very much. Hey, mr. Donavan, why does he got... your cherished token of a lady's affection? Because three deuces beats aces over eights, that's why. Don't get in trouble. Theodore! Theodore! Theodore! Go on, clarice. Go hide, quick! Douse that fire! Ah! What's the matter with you? What are you doing? Did you lose your... come on! There's a posse after us! Here! Come on! A posse? I don't see anybody. They're down there, all right. I saw 'em. They're all hidin' in the bushes. How many? I don't know. It was five, six. Maybe 20. and they're all loaded for bear too. Got those big, long buffalo rifles. You know somethin', amos? Hmm? We gotta make a decision. What? Does the hash knife outfit throw in its hand, or do we go out in a blaze of glory? Right! Uh, just what do you mean, "blaze of glory"? Fightin' till the last man's killed. What's it gonna be, pard? Uh, you know that jail in santa fe wasn't all that bad. Remember? I say we go out clawin' and fightin'. Make 'em pay for our hides. What do you say? Uh, all right. I'm with you. You know somethin', theodore? This could be the end of the trail for us. Iooks that way, amos. You know somethin'? You and me been through a lot together, and although i climbed your hump once in a while, i... i just couldn't have asked for a better partner. If we meet again in that big roundup in the sky sometime, i'm gonna spread my blanket 'side of yours, just the same as always. Mister? We're lookin' for the commodore mine. Uh, mm, it's, uh... it's right up the hill there. Just follow the trail. Take you right to it. Thanks. Bye! - Bye. Amos, that is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me. I know. Three bitty kids with shovels... walk right into our hideout and get the drop on us. I know. And you burnt my hand, amos. I'm sorry about that. And you scorched a hole in my best shirt! Well, i can fix that. Why did you tell me those three bitty kids was a posse? Well, i thought i saw 'em down there in the bushes. Oh, you couldn't see through a barbed wired fence. Theodore? That head of yours wouldn't hold straw. Theodore? You couldn't sell hacksaws in a jail. What about that big roundup in the sky? I don't want to talk about it! I said i... i said i... said you were gonna spread your blanket next to mine. W - why don't we dig here? Because somebody already did dig here. You scared? No. No more than you are. I'm not scared. Neither am i. I am. Bobby? Come on. A little mouse can't hurt you. It was just an owl. This looks like a pretty good place to dig. You start over there, and i'll dig here. Find any gold yet? Nope. Did you? No. Maybe there ain't any gold, like mr. Donavan said. Pa said there was. Stop shaking it, celia! I'm not shaking it! It won't stand still! It's an earthquake! Let's get out of here! Bobby? I gotta go. Are we trapped? There must be another way out. Come on. Bobby, what's that? Well, we base our evaluation... on what the price of the gold was when we checked last, but the price may have gone up in the meantime, in which case the nugget could be worth more. The san francisco mint will give us a receipt for the nugget, and the cash deposit will remain in the children's name in the quake city bank. I'll leave that end of it to you. I just want to make sure... that the children's interests are well protected. Ah, donavan, don't worry about a thing. We'll see that that nugget is well taken care of. Can we touch it? I'm sorry, ma'am. That's as close as we can let you get to it. It's a piece of cake. You mean it ain't gold? Course it's gold, stupid. I mean getting that nugget out of that bank's gonna be easier than fallin' off a log. Oh, boy! Act natural. Don't do nothin' to attract attention. Hey, uh, theodore, how we gonna... theodore? How, uh... how we gonna get it outta that bank? All right, first we gotta get ourselves a long ladder, and we're gonna go in through the skylight, through the roof. Then we gotta get that nugget outta town, and i figure if it's worth $87,000, it ought to... oh, i'd say it'd weigh close to... let's see. Gold is $15 an ounce. How many ounces in a pound? Are you listening to me, amos? Yeah, but... yeah, but what? Your rear end's on fire, theodore. Oh, thank you. Ah! Ow! Why didn't you tell me my rear end was on fire? Well, you told me not to do anything to attract attention. You got a match? I've got... excuse me. Ah! Ah! Hello. Nice day. Mabel, stanley, donavan. Hello. Hi, sheriff. Well, now, this is what i call havin' a party. Mr. Donavan said we can have all the apple dumplings we want. Did he? Did he? Well, that's very generous of mr. Donavan. And he bought me a new dress, see? Oh, i think that's the most beautiful dress i ever saw. Awful nice kids. Yes, they are. You still bound for new orleans? Oh, yes. Yes. Well, nothing's happened to change that. Of course, uh, i have a few things i have to clear up here in town, and i've gotta make arrangements for the kids. Seems a lot of people... are anxious to take the youngsters to their bosoms. They're sayin' the kids ought to be made wards of the court... and for me to give 'em to some respectable family around here, people of substance. 'Course, that'd fit right into your plans. You'd be free to go on your way. Unencumbered. Unfettered. Yeah. Yeah. Fine, fine. Who wants 'em? Oh, there's no shortage of applicants. There's the little darlin'! Here, let me have the sweet little thing! What do you know about children? You don't know nothin' about the child. Let go! All right, ladies. Ladies, this is a private party! But he said i could have her! You're all gonna wind up in the calaboose if you don't get out of here. That'll all be decided later on at the hearing. Out! Out! See what i mean? They ripped my beautiful dress. I know, but we'll fix it. Hey. We'll fix it. There'sgotto be better people in this town. There's always miss clydesdale. Who's miss clydesdale? Dusty? Mm-hmm. But she's not married. - That's easy to fix. Well, who can you get? You're not suggesting... i'm only suggesting it for the kids. I know, but dusty's... dusty's a fine specimen of womanhood! I seen her get caught in a cloudburst once, and i wanna tell you! Yes, mr. Donavan. Please marry dusty. No two people ever got married... for a more honorable or worthy cause, donavan. Think that over. Hearing's not till the day after tomorrow. Marry dusty? If they give us to mrs. Stockley, she won't hit us with a stick, will she? Why would she hit you with a stick? She hits mr. Stockley with a stick, and she might get mad if we track mud in the house or something. Or forget to comb our hair. Well, i'm sure she wouldn't do that. When mr. Stockley gets mad, he uses words i never heard before. He's not as mean as mr. Leach. Mr. Leach'll put you in a sack and throw you in the river if you even talk too much. Nobody's gonna throw you in the river. If rowdy joe dover got us, i bet we'd have to sleep in his shed. Don't worry, clovis. If celia gets pneumonia, i can take care of her. We picked these for you, mr. Donavan. So you won't forget us when you get to new orleans. You can press them in a book and they'll keep forever. Then every time you see one, you'll remember us three "widdle" kids. That you gave away. Come on, clovis. We better do the dishes and not bother mr. Donavan anymore. All right! I'll ask her. "Three 'widdle' kids"? Three little swindlers, you mean. Bobby? What? What's "swindlers"? I don't know. Okay, come on. Come on! Soon as we get the ladder out of here, we head straight for the bank. Amos! Amos! Yeah? Ahh! This one's too small. Get the one on the other side. Mmmm... i'll go open the door. It's too long. We can't get it out this way. Push it together. Aah! You idiot! You get on that end, and i'll get on the other... and then we'll push it together. On the count of three. Get in there and get it out! It went through the other window. I'm gonna pull it all the way through. Someone's comin'! Howdy. Evening. Don't worry. As soon as we get across here, it's gonna be all downhill. Get back, you cabbage head. You're gonna bust it. Don't worry. Aah! Mmm! It's a long way down there, theodore. Well, don't look down. It's startin' to shake! Hoo! Don't do that. Move it! My spur's caught. Get up there! I am. I d... aah-ha! Get off! Get off! If i didn't think you'd freeze to death come this winter, i'd rob this bank myself and leave you here. Comin' through. Watch it! Uh... maybe you ought to check and see if the front door's open. Will you shut up? Perfect. It's a great scheme. Only when it's over, i'm the deserted wife left with three kids to mother... while i watch your south end disappearing over a hill. But you'll be compensated for any inconvenience, any... i don't want their money. It's theirs. They found it. Agreed. The only reason i suggested it is that i knew... that you would provide them with a good home. What do you get out of this "arrangement"? A chance to get to new orleans before winter sets in. That all? - Well, i would appreciate it if you'd square my debts. I will repay you in due time. And that's all? - Yes! Oh, now wait a minute. Uh, do you mean... might i exercise my husbandly prerogatives? That's exactly what i mean. Miss clydesdale, nothing could be further from my mind. This marriage would ensure a good home for those children. Nothing more. I give my word as a gentleman. It's not the best guarantee i've ever had. Well, maybe not, but it's the best i have to offer. So what's it gonna be, miss clydesdale? You calling or folding? All right, i'll go along with it. But it's not for you. It's for the kids. And the sooner you light a shuck out of this town, the better. It's gonna be daylight before we even get in that bank. Boy, once we get our hands on that gold, we're gonna be livin' like kings. We'll be shooin' those senoritas off like flies. Never mind about that now. Just make sure this mule of yours don't get frisky. Don't you worry about clarice. She'll get you up there all right. Now you wait for my signal. All right. You gonna use that hooty-owl again? Now i answer with a whippoorwill. No, no. Don't you remember nothin'? When i give that rope a tug, then you haul me up. That's a new one. Right. Tug and haul. Right. Okay. No hooty-owl. Okay! Now this time, it's just gonna be a tug and haul. You got that? Well, that's it. Come on, clarice. Come on! Hold it. Stay right there. Shh! You're gonna wake somebody up! Come over here! Uh! I'll help you. Stay right there. Whoa. You all right? I told you to wait for my signal! Right. Shh-shh. Shh-shh. Shh-shh. Yeah. Go ahead! Shh-shh. Yeah. Uh, come on, clarice. Come on. Come on. Get up, clarice. Come on, you... come on. Get up, clarice. Come on. You can rest on your patio when we get to mexico. Come on. Gotta get up now. Come on. Come on! Mr. Donavan said he doesn't want us wandering around... somebody's coming! We're not wandering around. We're looking for him. Maybe we should stay home till he gets back. He should've been back by now. Unless he forgot. Hi. Who are you talkin' to? Oh. Hey, you're the man that showed us how to get to the mine, aren't ya? That's right. You kids run along now. We're looking for mr. Donavan. Well, i think he went that way. Why are you standing on your toes like that? 'Cause i wanna stand on my toes. Now get outta here. Well, you kids go ahead now. I'm real busy. Where's your friend? - He'd better be in another county. How'd you get up there? Never mind how i got up here. You kids should be in bed now. Get outta here. Ah! Bite me, you ungrateful fleabag you. How'd you do that? Anyway, i got here early this morning to draw up the certification papers... for the nugget for the san francisco mint, and when i opened up the place, when i opened up the place, i got the shock of my life! Morning. Morning. You two couldn't take candy away from a baby without comin' out on the short end. Well, it's not gonna go so easy on ya this time. Get outta that silly rope, and stand up. This court is now in session, the honorable homer mccoy presiding. Theodore ogelvie, amos tucker, you're charged with attempted bank robbery. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty? Not guilty? - Guilty! The wrong one. - This court sentences you... to be hung by the neck until dead, and i'm fining you an extra ten bucks for perjury. Let 'em out, leonard. Nice goin'. Unh. Be down to the oak tree near boot hill at 12:00 sharp for your hanging. Thank you, your honor. You don't thank a man for hanging you, you leather-brained ignoramus. And bring your own rope. Right. I'll get it. Where you goin'? That's the only rope we got. Get outta here. Well, the hardware's closed. Come on, you dummy. Well, how you gonna hang yourself without a rope? You know, those dummies are liable to show up. Well, if they do, they deserve to be hung. I just want to get 'em out of this town once and for all. Sooner that gold's out of this bank and in the san francisco mint, the better. A lot of people are out to get that nugget. Stillwell, we've been sittin' on this mountain for two days now. Starin' at a bank through a spyglass... ain't gonna get us no richer. You worried about that sheriff? Any time you got one of them down-home sheriffs, you always got a town full of vigilantes. We could be walkin' into a real hornet's nest. We got to get the gold sometime. Oh, we're gonna get it. I never rode no 200 miles... just to look at the scenery. Dang. Your leg cutting up again? Yeah, it always acts up on me every time the weather changes. I'll tell you one thing sure. If i ever get in shootin' distance of that doggone amos tucker, he's gonna have windows where his ears was. Uh, homer? Can we, uh, talk with you? As barber, sheriff or justice of the peace? Justice of the peace. That's two bits. But i only got half a shave! A whole shave's four bits. Now git before i fine you for loitering. Git, git, git, git. All right, all right. I'll see you next tuesday. Dusty, you a willin' party to this union? Just wanna make sure they get a square deal and a good home. I never teamed two more unlikely prospects. You go together like ice cream and whiskey, but i guess you'd be man and wife, same as regular people, and nobody could say different. Now you kids just make yourselves comfortable. Did you want it complete with the trimmings... Iove, honor and cherish and all that? Kind of like to hear it anyway. Well, fine. Uh, well, let's just get it over with. You got a ring? No. More legal with a ring. You hold this till i tell ya. Was you gonna keep your hats on? You take her, donavan? Yes! Do you take him, dusty? I do. Uh, the ring. Give it to mr. Donavan. Powers invested in me, the state of california, county of tulare, i pronounce you hitched. It ain't necessary for you to kiss if you don't want to, but you ought to at least shake on it. Well, that's it. I generally get two dollars about this point. Pay you back. Ah. Since you two don't seem to have no immediate plans, i'm buyin'. Oh, good, good! Oh, dusty, would you mind just keeping an eye on the kids for awhile? Might as well get used to it. Come on. Let's have our own celebration. How come mr. Donavan's goin' that way, and we're goin' this way? It's kind of hard to explain. That all then, miss cole? All right. $4.62. I'll put it right here on your bill. You can each have a licorice whip and one jelly bean... but just one. Mornin', dusty. Mr. Purvey. If you're here for those grain bags, they didn't come in yet. I have to get boots and jackets for the kids. Oh, well, here. We'll look 'em up in the catalogue. I see somebody bought the bed. Yep. Sure is pretty. Yeah, sure is. Who'd you sell it to? Donavan. Who? - Mr. Donavan. He picked it out this morning. Did he really? Did he really? Donavan! Yes, you, you snake oil salesman. Are you comin' out here, or am i comin' in there? What's the matter? Is there some trouble? Yes, there's trouble all right, and you're in it. "All i want is a chance to be on my way, unencumbered and unfettered." That's right. That's all i wanted. - Don't slick-talk me! Dusty! Wait a minute, dusty. Wait a minute, dusty. Hold it. Wait a minute! Wait... dusty... wait, dusty. Wait, wait, dusty. Now wait a minute! Dusty, will you just let me say one word? One! Dusty... that's it. No! "Nothing could be further from my mind, miss clydesdale. You have my word as a gentleman." i meant... gentleman? Yeah! Aah! No! Get off of him. Coward. Aha! No! No, dusty. Back! Back! Give me that! Don't! Don't! Now wait a minute, dusty. Now wait. Dusty... no, no! Wait! Now this is ridiculous. When you, uh, get rational, we'll discuss this. Oh! We'll discuss it right now. Ohh! Sorry, ralph. Dusty, you're being hysterical. We can't accomplish anything this way! What happened with them two? They got married. Dusty, be reasonable. Shut up, you liar. I don't know what's happened, but i can explain. You're not gettin' out of it that easy, you pasteboard slinger. Pay you back, homer. Dusty! Dusty! Now look. What's bothering you? That bed! That great, big brass bed! If you had no intention of exercising your husbandly prerogatives, why'd you buy that bed? That's it? The bed? Yes! The bed... happens to be for the kids, dusty. With the nights getting colder, they need a warmer place to sleep, so the brass bed is for the boys, and the smaller bed is for celia! Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? We could have avoided this little misunderstanding. Pardon me. Ahem. Excuse me, please. Come along, celia. This is no place for a lady. Order in the court! Order, order! Quiet now! Everybody, sit down and shut up. Edgar, you get back in your seat. I think we've heard about all the testimony this building can take. Now i'm gonna decide who gets these sprouts of wintle's, and that decision is gonna be final. This court appreciates the generosity... and the kindness of all you good people... who have offered to provide homes for these kids... and to safeguard their assets. Proves this town's got a heart after all. But after due deliberation and a consideration of all the facts... and the merits of the applicants, this court awards bobby, clovis and celia bradley... to mr. And mrs. Russel donavan. That's the order of this court. I don't want to hear a lot of argument about it, and i don't want a half a dozen people comin' up here... homer. I heard you were about to gavel off my kin. That won't be necessary now since i'm here to claim them. Donavan, thank you for taking such good care of them. My lawyer. He will explain all the "whereas's" and "wherefore's." Tell them. Tell them, uh, why the kids are mine, with no maybe's. May it please the court, i have an order... what would please this court... is to see both of you rode out of this town on a rail! Your honor, the law... i don't need no checkered-pants lawyer to tell me the law. Give me that! All right, they're yours, wintle. Get yourself and that jackleg outta here before i show you how contemptuous this court can be. Yes, sir, reverend. That gold's the most valuable shipment ever entrusted to the butterfly line. Oh, my goodness gracious. The most valuable shipment. My word. And exactly how much does this nugget weigh? Three hundred and fifty-six pounds, without the crating. Now, uh, that's not quite as large as the one they found in breckenridge. Still, that's a whole lot of gold all in one piece. Oh, i assume you have a goodly portion of men protectin' it. We're bringin' in extra guards from marysville tomorrow. I see. Then you won't be making your regular noon passenger run. Well, now... oh, fear not, dear brother. You're speaking to a servant of the lord. Well, bein' a man of the cloth, it can do no harm. Ahem. They're takin' it out as soon as the, uh, bank closes at 4:00 tomorrow, but they won't be goin' by the regular route. They'll be goin' over china grade. Splendid. Splendid idea. Why, i shouldn't imagine... that they would encounter so much as a horned frog on that old slag road. My thinkin' precisely. Uh, reverend, could i buy you a drink? Oh, thank you, no, sir. I never imbibe. However, i would be happy to accept this as a contribution for the poor. Bless you, brother. Bless you. Well, charlie. Charlie, i seem to have, uh, left my purse at the office. I was, uh... ah. Would you set 'em up for charlie and me there? Hi, dusty. Howdy. Annulment papers. Homer says you can drop 'em off at the marysville courthouse, but it'll take two, three days. We must have set some kind of record. Yes. Well, you're finally rid of 'em. What now? Well, i guess i'll work my way east. Change of scenery, change of luck, you know. Uh, dusty? Thanks for what you did. We tried somethin'. It didn't work, that's all. Well, good-bye. Bye. Donavan? You were a good father to those kids. They couldn't have asked for better. We got along. Well... and, donavan? - Yeah? I'm sorry i hit you in the head with the spittoon. A perfectly logical misunderstanding. And i'm sorry that i offered you a drink in the saloon too. Well, it's a perfectly logical misunderstanding. Well, i wouldn't make that mistake again. You wouldn't? Good luck, dusty. How you expect to get warm sittin' in front of a fire that's been out for two days? Aw, i don't know. I always used to sit here for breakfast. Couldn't we build just one little itty-bitty fire? It don't seem like home no more. No! Amos, i tell you. We got big trouble. We go in town to get food, we get strung up. If we stay here, we starve to death, if we don't freeze to death first. So what's it gonna be? Well... well, what if we went down and told sheriff mccoy... that we was real sorry and we wasn't gonna rob banks anymore? Ever. Right. And we'd even cross our heart. Well, that's worth thinkin' about. We wouldn't want to take any ropes with us, would we? Hey, mister. What do you kids want now? You tell him, bobby. We want you to have our gold nugget. What gold nugget? - The one you tried to steal. Oh, that gold nugget. All you gotta do is take it out of the bank. You kids come all the way up here just to tell us to rob the bank again? We're already sentenced to be hung for robbin' it the first time. Say, uh, maybe it's a fix to smoke us out, theodore. This isn't any trick. Judge mccoy said mr. Wintle really doesn't want us. He just wants the gold. So if you take the gold, then mr. Wintle will go away again. And mr. Donavan will be stuck with us again. Mr. Donavan buys us all the apple dumplings we can eat. It ain't like it's really stealin'. It's our gold, and we're givin' it to ya. All you have to do is pick it up. We'll help you. Pardon me just a minute, ma'am. What do you think, theodore? Oh, i don't know about the hash knife throwin' in with a bunch of kids. How's that gonna look in the history books? We wouldn't have to call it "hash knife." We could call them the apple dumpling gang. Who's gonna know the difference? It's like the kid says. It ain't actually stealin'. - And you better hurry... 'cause we're leavin' at Theodore? All right. All right! Come on. Now, here's the bank. Now we're gonna need some dynamite to blow the safe. We gotta get some kind of a wagon to haul off the gold. You got that, gang? Now i think we'll go in the side door. You remember that side door. Yeah. Now when we were hangin' in there... let's see... that would be just off to the right. You told me to get you a wagon, didn't ya? Not that wagon. Well, what's wrong with... look. These are the fastest horses in town. We'll be halfway to mexico before they find out. It's too late to change now. Let's get the thing headed in the other direction. Right. You kids keep a lookout for the sheriff. I'm sorry. We're closed. Eh? I say we're... i'm sorry, reverend. We're closed for the day. You'll... open that safe. Clovis! Somebody else is already robbing the bank. Come on! Oh, no. Get on in there. Hurry up! Where'd they come from? They was outside lookin' in. Get 'em over yonder out of the way. And you keep quiet. You hear? Ox, keep an eye on 'em. Get out of the room. Ain't that the most beautiful sight you ever saw? Boy, oh, boy. - ay-yi-yi. It's heavy. Where's the wagon? - It's right outside. Easy, boys. Let me catch up with you. This blasted thing weighs a ton, dang it. Sure does. My leg don't work too good goin' round this turn. Now, that's got it. Now we got her. Hey, don't nobody move! This is a holdup! We're gonna rob the bank, and we mean business. You're a day late and a dollar short. Like he said right here... did you say it? Aah! Who in blazes are you? Well? Ahem. Uh, mr. Stillwell asked you a question, theodore. Uh, uh... theodore. - Hi, frank. Amos. - Uh, still aren't mad... 'cause i shot you in the leg, are you, frank? I guess you are. Please, gentlemen, no shooting. That dynamite is old and is sweating. If he drops it, there won't be a bit of this bank left. That makes sense. All right, you two, get over here and out of the way. All right. Move. Get these kids out of here where we can watch 'em. All right, you. Come on. You're gonna walk right out of here ahead of us, straight to the wagon. One peep outta you and i'll blow a hole in you that you can throw a mule through. You understand? All right, get to walkin', and keep smilin'. Hurry up! Hooks, get ahold of this. Come on. Easy does it. That's our gold! We said they could have it! Outta my way. All right, now we're gonna walk... watch out for that dynamite! Whoa, whoa. It's the law! Looks like we're gonna have to blast our way outta here. You idiot. What's all the firing? They're tryin' to get the nugget. Get this thing off of me! Hold this. Must be 50 of 'em in there. I'll go get old betsy. Somebody get him a drink. Take more than that to get the sting out. Get down! My knees! Get down. Don't do that anymore. Get down. Aah! I'm sittin' on my spurs! Dusty! Ha! Ha! Are you tryin' to get yourself killed? I am trying to stop a bank robbery. Well, do it from a safe place, not the middle of the street! Get it inside! Come on! Whoa! Aah! Does anyone know where alvin keeps his corkscrew? Grab these kids, and let's get out of here. What about the gold? Forget about the gold. We'll be lucky to escape with our hides. Hurry up. Frank, are you sure you don't want your gold? It's all yours, partner. Don't spend it all in one place. I'm gonna buy some new toes. You can't take those children. Let's go this way. Frank, our horses are around front. Well, so is half the town. Come on. I ain't never gonna rob no bank... ever, ever, ever. That's it! Aah! Aah! I can't move! I can walk. I can walk. My back! Go! My back! I can't move! We gotta get out of here. I can't move! My back! All right. Aah! The dynamite! I can't move. Just cover me, mildred. Mr. Donavan! Mr. Donavan! They got celia. Hyah! Hyah, hyah! Hyah! Clyde! Ha! Howdy. Shh! Listen. They stopped firing. Aah! There's two more in there. Get this team to movin'! Hurry! Hurry! Hyah! Hyah! Celia! Dusty! Hey! Donavan! What? Whoa! My. You always kiss like that? I've been savin' up. Oh, yeah? Get stillwell, wring him out and lock him up. Donavan? Dusty? You're gonna drown in there. I guess they don't mind. Well, we better get back to town and see what's happened to that nugget. Gold! It's a gold nugget, lily! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Get out of here. This is my claim. Anyone who looks for gold around here... is gonna fight me. I wandered today to the hill, maggie?? To watch the scenes below?? The brook and the creaking old mill, maggie???? My bank. My beautiful bank. Oh, a man that can fill an inside straight like you can don't need a bank. Leonard, you can work out of my barbershop till you rebuild... at no charge. I want you to know that i hold your bank and this town responsible... for the loss of my gold. And you! You can be jolly well responsible for those three brats too. Mr. Donavan! Mr. Donavan! Theodore and amos... they were in the bank. There you are, donavan: of frank stillwell. It's no more than you deserve, donavan. And here is the deed of the benson place. There it is. The roulette tables, crystal chandeliers, the red carpets. Everything. Well, you don't have to go through with it if you don't want to, donavan. Someone else will buy the benson place. It's in fine shape. It shouldn't be so bad. I'll be going into town one or two nights a week to play poker. Wanna bet? Look. It's a holdup. Whoa. Hi. - I thought you promised sheriff mccoy you were gonna stop that. Oh, we are stoppin', mr. Donavan. Fact, me and amos talked it over, and we've decided we've been the scourge of the west long enough... and we're hangin' our firearms up for good. And, uh... ahem. Well, we was just wonderin' if, uh, uh... climb on. You mean i'll be livin' under the same roof with these two lawless profligates? Just till you hear from mr. Gould, pa. That horse got a name? Lucius. Oh, yeah? Lucius, clarice. Clarice, lucius. So they settled down together their troubles all behind?? Now that donavan and dusty tied the knot?? And their friends wished them happiness as all the church bells rang? For that family called the apple dumpling gang?? Mr. Donavan? I gotta go. And they called them?? The apple dumpling gang????