FANDOM


Movie Date: January 16, 1963

GOSH. IT KINDA GETS YA, DOESN'T IT? YEAH. WE BETTER HURRY. WE DON'T WANNA BE LATE FOR OUR APPOINTMENT. HOPE THEY'RE EXPECTING US. OH, THEY ARE... THIS TIME. ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, WE'VE ALL HAD OUR SAY, AND WE ALL AGREE ON THIS ONE VITAL POINT: WE ARE CLAMPING A TIGHT SECURITY LID ON PROFESSOR BRAINARD'S TREMENDOUS CONTRIBUTION. THERE'S JUSTONE LITTLE THOUGHT, SIR-- IT'S NOT THAT WE'RE EDGY, BUT WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH THE MISSILE LAG AND THE SPACE GAP. WE JUST DON'T WANT A "FLUBBER FOUL-UP" ON OUR HANDS. THE COUNTRY'S NEEDS COME FIRST, SIR, BUT IF I COULD HAVE JUST A LITTLE MONEY RIGHT NOW- OH, YOU'LL BE RECOMPENSED. GOODNESS KNOWS, THE ARMED SERVICES ARE NEVER CHINTZY. NOW WHAT WE DO, WE BEARD THE APPROPRIATIONS BOYS IN CONGRESS. MATTER OF FACT, I'M PUTTING TWO OF MY BRAVEST FINANCIAL OFFICERS ON THE MISSION. THE MONEY ISN'T FOR ME. OUR COLLEGE IS IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE, AND- AND YOU'RE TURNING EVERYTHING OVER TO THEM. PROFESSOR, YOU ARE A FINE, UNSELFISH MAN. IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO KNOW YOU. BUT JUST RELAX. NO SWEAT. THE MONEY IS AS GOOD AS IN YOUR HANDS. RENDEZVOUS: 1400 HOURS,AT AREA GENTLEMEN, WE'VE HAD A CHANGE OF SIGNALS. SCHEDULE FOUR IS GOING IN. TIME AND AREA AS BRIEFED. WELL, PROFESSOR, I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO TAKE UP ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME. WE'LL EXPLORE THE ENTIRE SITUATION, PRO AND CON, SET A FIGURE AND THEN LAY OUT OUR GRAND STRATEGY. AND THEN, ONE FINE MORNING, WE'LL HIT THE BEACH ON CAPITOL HILL. THOSE MONEY WATCHERS'LL GO DOWN LIKE NINE PINS. BUT ISN'T THAT ALL GOING TO TAKE TIME? CERTAINLY. WE HAVE TO STOCKPILE STATISTICS, BUILD UP PRESSURE, DEPLOY OUR FIREPOWER SO WE HIT THEM FROM ALL DIRECTIONS. AFTER ALL, WE DON'T FIGH CONGRESS WITH CAP PISTOLS, DO WE? WELL, NO, I DON'T SUPPOSE WE DO. DON' LET THOSE DOUBLE-BREASTED SUITS FOOL YOU. THOSE BOYS ARE TOUGH. WELL, THE THING IS, WE DON'T NEED ALL THE MONEY NOW. PROFESSOR, I DON'T THINK YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT THIS DISCOVERY OF YOURS IS. IT'S BIG. WE'VE GOTTA HANDLE IT BIG. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. IF YOU SETTLE FOR CHICKEN FEED NOW, IT'S GOING TO BE A CHICKEN-FEED OPERATION. EVERYONE IS GOING TO LOSE FACE. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO FALL APART ALL THE WAY DOWN THE LINE, AND THE FREE WORLD LOSES ANOTHER BATTLE. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? NO, I WOULDN'T WANT THAT, SIR. ALL RIGHT. REMEMBER, YOU'RE IN WASHINGTON. STOP TRYING TO BE REASONABLE ABOUT MONEY... OR YOU'RE GOING TO BOLLIX UP THE WHOLE THING. WELL, I WOULDN'T WANNA DO THAT. GOOD. GENTLEMEN,IT IS NOW 1340 HOURS.LET'S MOVE OUT. YOU'D THINK THOSE PEOPLE AT THE PENTAGON... COULD AT LEAST HAVE GIVEN US A COUPLE OF $100,000 OUT OF PETTY CASH. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? EVERYBODY EXPECTS US TO COME HOME LOADED WITH LOOT. YEAH. DUCKS AT 12:00, SIR. OH, ROGER. I CAN JUST SEE ALONZO HAWK LICKING HIS CHOPS RIGHT NOW. HE'S BEEN DYING FOR A CHANCE TO MOVE IN AND TEAR THE SCHOOL DOWN. I'M SORRY, BIFF. SOMETIMES I FORGET HE'S YOUR FATHER. I GOTTA FACE IT. POP'S THE BIGGEST LOAN SHARK IN THE STATE, AND HE'S PROUD OF IT. LET'S JUST SAY YOUR FATHER IS A VERY SHREWD BUSINESSMAN. SHREWD? THE ONLY TIME MY POP EVER GO THE WORST OF A BARGAIN WAS WHEN HE GOT ME. I JUST DIDN'T TURN OU THE WAY HE WANTED ME TO AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA TELL THE BOARD OF REGENTS... AND PRESIDENT DAGGETT. THIS IS GOING TO BREAK HIS HEART. OUR NEW HALL OF SCIENCE. ISN' IT MAGNIFICENT, GENTLEMEN? AND ALL THIS IS POSSIBLE THANKS TO PROFESSOR BRAINARD. MEDFIELD COLLEGE HAS, I BELIEVE THE SAYING GOES, "FINALLY COME INTO THE CHIPS." WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHANGE THE NAME OF THE PLACE TO BRAINARD COLLEGE AND HAVE DONE WITH IT? A SPLENDID IDEA, MR. HAWK, THOUGH I REALIZE IT WAS OFFERED IN A SPIRIT OF IRONY. I DISCUSSED THE MATTER WITH PROFESSOR BRAINARD. WITH CHARACTERISTIC MODESTY, HE WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT. HOWEVER, HE DID CONSENT TO LET US CALL OUR NEW SCIENCE BUILDING "FLUBBER HALL." NOW, TO IMPLEMENT OUR PHYSICAL ACQUISITIONS, WE MUST SEARCH FOR GIFTED YOUNG INSTRUCTORS. YOU MEAN MORE NED BRAINARDS? WE'LL BE UP TO OUR HIPS IN CRACKPOTS. THIS TOWN WON'T BE SAFE TO LIVE IN. I'M AFRAID WE DON'T AGREE WITH YOU, MR. HAWK. DO WE, GENTLEMEN? NO. AREN'T YOU ALL GETTING A LITTLE HIGH AND MIGHTY? WHEN YOU COULDN'T MEET MY LOAN, YOU DANCED PRETTY LIVELY WHEN I TALKED. FORTUNATELY, A FORM OF TERPSICHORE WE NO LONGER HAVE TO ENDURE, MR. HAWK. PROFESSOR BRAINARD IS HERE. OH, SPLENDID. ASK HIM TO COME IN, PLEASE. GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH TO RISE? WHEN PROFESSOR BRAINARD COMES IN THAT DOOR, MEDFIELD COLLEGE WILL EMBARK UPON ITS GOLDEN AGE. THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN, BUT I WISH YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT. I MEAN YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T. NONSENSE, PROFESSOR BRAINARD. JUST A SPONTANEOUS LITTLE TRIBUTE OF OUR PERSONAL ESTEEM. I MEAN YOU, UH- WELL, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T. NOTHING WRONG, I TRUST? WELL, NOT EXACTLY. IT'S JUST- WELL, THINGS AREN'T QUITE AS SIMPLE AS I HOPED THEY'D BE. THEY GAVE YOU THE OL' DIPSY-DOODLE, HUH? THEY REALLY SANDBAGGED YOU. THEY HUNG YOUR HIDE UP ON THE BARN DOOR TO DRY. PROFESSOR BRAINARD, AM I TO ASSUME THAT SOMETHING HAS GONE AMISS? WELL- BUT I THOUGHT THEY WERE DELIGHTED WITH YOUR DISCOVERY. OH, THEY ARE. IT'S JUST THA - WELL, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO EXPLAIN. MAY I? ALLOW ME TO BOIL IT DOWN FOR YOU GENTLEMEN, AND YOU BE SURE TO TELL ME IF I GET IT STRAIGHT? NUMBER ONE, THE BOYS IN WASHINGTON LATCHED ON TO YOUR LITTLE DISCOVERY, SO YOU CAN'T SELL I ANYWHERE ELSE. NUMBER TWO, THEY'RE NOT ABOUT TO GIVE YOU ANY MONEY UNTIL THEY, UH, THINK IT OVER. NUMBER THREE, MEANTIME, YOU'VE GOT NO MONEY. HOW AM I DOIN'? NUMBER FOUR, SOMEBODY BETTER LAY FIRST OF THE MONTH BY 9:00 A.M... TO PAY OFF THE SHORT-TERM LOAN MADE TO THIS COLLEGE... BY THE AULD LANG SYNE INSURANCE AND LOAN COMPANY, OR ELSE EXACTLY AT 9:03 A FLEET OF BULLDOZERS... OWNED BY THE AULD LANG SYNE DEMOLITION AND WRECKING COMPANY... WILL START ROLLING THROUGH THOSE HALLOWED GATES... AND START FLATTENING THESE IVY-COVERED WALLS... IN ALL DIRECTIONS. PERIOD! END OF STORY. VERY SAD. BUT, UH, PERSONALLY, I'M CRAZY ABOUT IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO A THING LIKE THAT, MR. HAWK. OH, YOU CAN'T? WELL, BOYS, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M CALLING THE TUNE AGAIN. ANYBODY CARE TO DANCE? I KNOW HOW BADLY YOU MUST FEEL, PRESIDEN DAGGETT, BUT THINGS AREN'T AS BAD AS THEY SEEM. I HAVE THIS EXCITING NEW PROJECT I'M WORKING ON - EXCUSE ME. MR. HAWK, I KNOW WE ALL WANT TO GIVE FULL ATTENTION TO YOUR POINT OF VIEW. I'M SURE WE CAN RESOLVE ANY MINOR DIFFERENCES THAT HAPPEN TO EXIST AT THE MOMENT. WANNA BET? MR. HAWK, WE KNOW THE WELFARE OF MEDFIELD COLLEGE IS VERY CLOSE TO YOUR HEART. AS A CIVIC LEADER- PEARLS! OH, I JUST LOVE PEARLS. HOW DID YOU KNOW? I MAKE IT MY BUSINESS TO KNOW, MRS. BRAINARD. AND NOW, LITTLE SOMETHING TO KEEP THE CHILL OFF. OH! OH, YOU MUSTN'T. Y- YOU REALLY MUSTN'T. WELL, YOU DON'T THINK IT'S A LITTLE BIT TOO FUSSY, DO YOU? LIKE YOU'VE BEEN WEARING I ALL YOUR LIFE, MRS. BRAINARD. TO THE MANOR BORN. AND HERE, THE FINISHING TOUCH. OH, HOW CHIC! I KNEW YOU'D LIKE THEM, MRS. BRAINARD. YOU LOOK LIKE A QUEEN. A REGULAR QUEEN. AN EMPRESS. A GODDESS. I DO, DON'T I? THIS, AS YOU CAN SEE, IS A CHECK FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS MADE OUT TO THE PROFESSOR AND YOURSELF. ONE MILLION DOLLARS! OH, BUT, MR. HURLEY, WHATEVER FOR? FOR A KIND WORD, MRS. BRAINARD. ONLY A KIND WORD. YOU KNOW, IN A BUSINESS DEAL, THE RIGHT WORD FROM THE LITTLE WOMAN- I'M A GREAT BELIEVER IN THE POWER OF A WOMAN. HOW TRUE. YOU REALLY GOT SOMETHING THERE, MR. HURLEY. WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT NED'S GOING TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS. FOR A SPACE-AGE SCIENTIST, HE'S A LITTLE BIT OLD-FA- OH, YOO-HOO, NED. GUESS WHO?- BETSY! PROFESSOR BRAINARD, MY NAME IS HURLEY. I'VE SPOKEN TO YOU ON THE PHONE, FROM NEW YORK. OD OT EKIL D'I TAHW ?TAOC TAHT DNA SGOD EHT ,SIHT LLA SI TAHW ,YSTEB .YELRUH .RM ,SEY - WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT. NOW WHY DON' WE LET THE LITTLE LADY ENJOY HERSELF? BUT THE P - PROFESSOR, I'D LIKE TO TALK SOME BUSINESS WITH YOU. I HOPE YOU WON'T THINK I'M PRESUMPTUOUS GOING AHEAD LIKE THIS. MR. HURLEY IS A LIVE WIRE. HE LIKES TO ACT WHILE OTHER PEOPLE ARE STILL TALKING. JUST A MINUTE. WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AROUND HERE? ALL PART OF YOUR COMPANY: FLUBBER ENTERPRISES. "FLUBBER ENTERPRISES"? JUST A COZY LITTLE COMPANY WE'RE PUTTING TOGETHER, YOU AND I, TO MAKE THINGS OUT OF FLUBBER. PROFESSOR, WHEN YOU INVENTED THIS STUFF, I DON'T THINK YOU DREAMED WHAT YOU HAD. IT'LL TOUCH THE LIVESOF EVERY MAN, WOMANAND CHILD IN THE WORLD. JUST LIKE EDISON AND THE ELECTRIC LIGHT. NOW WAIT, I - I HARDLY CONSIDER MYSELF IN THE SAME CLASS WITH MR. EDISON. DON'T BE SO MODEST, PROFESSOR. THAT'S YOUR TROUBLE. THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. NOW I'VE WORKED UP A FEW PRODUC SELLS HERE JUST TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA: ...WHEN YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH FLUBBERDENT. AND NOW I'VE HAD OUR AGENCY BOYS WORK UP A LITTLE TV CAMPAIGN - SHOW PEOPLE WHAT FLUBBER CAN DO. HIT THEM WHERE THEY LIVE. - THEY'LL WONDER HOW THEY GOT ALONG WITHOUT IT. NOW I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET THE FEELING THAT WE'RE RUSHING YOU. BUT THE THING IS- HOWIE, ROLL THE FILM. GUESS WHAT THIS IS. A MILLION DOLLARS! QUIET, PROFESSOR. BUT, BETSY- HI THERE. REX WILLIAMS HERE. YOU KNOW, MY FRIENDS, DOWN THROUGH THE CORRIDORS OF TIME, AS MANKIND HAS EMERGED FROM THE DARK AGES, TOILING, EVER STRIVING UPWARD, THERE HAVE BEEN TURNING POINTS, INSPIRATIONAL MILESTONES, AND WE REMEMBER THE GREAT NAMES OF SCIENCE. NEWTON... AND THE LAW OF GRAVITY. WATT... AND THE STEAM ENGINE. EDISON... AND THE ELECTRIC LIGHT. AND, MY FRIENDS, BRAINARD... AND FLUBBER. YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "FLUBBER." FOR IT WAS NOT TOO LONG AGO, IN A SMALL AMERICAN CITY, THAT THE DISCOVERY OF FLUBBER BURST UPON A WAITING WORLD. THAT WAS THE BEGINNING. FROM THOSE FIRST CRUDE BASKETBALL SHOES CAME MORE SHOES, SHOES FOR PEOPLE IN EVERY WALK OF LIFE. BUT IT WAS NO TO STOP THERE. TRUE, NOW MAN HAD LIFTED HIMSELF UP BY HIS OWN BOOT STRAPS. HE COULD WALK WITH HIS HEAD ABOVE THE CROWD. BUT THIS WAS ONLY THE SPRINGBOARD, NOT ONLY TO A VAS NEW LINE OF PRODUCTS, BUT TO A HAPPIER, SAFER WAY OF LIFE. FRIENDS, IS YOUR HOME A BOOBY TRAP... JUST WAITING TO SNARE YOU THE MOMENT YOU SET FOOT IN IT? I'M HOME, DEAR. IS YOUR KITCHEN A SAVAGE JUNGLE TEEMING WITH PERILS AND PITFALLS? DEAR, WHERE'S THE FIRST-AID K-I-IT! STOP CLOWNING, GEORGE. YOU'LL FRIGHTEN THE B-A-A-BY! IN SHORT, IS YOUR FAMILY ACCIDENT PRONE? THEN, FRIENDS, THE TIME HAS COME TO "FLUBBERIZE" YOUR HOME. TRANSFORM IT FROM A BOOBY TRAP INTO A LOVE NEST. MAKE IT SAFE FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES. YES, FLUBBERIZE YOUR HOME WITH HAZARD-FREE FLUBBEROLEUM FLOORS. "FLUBBEROLEUM", IN 16 BEAUTIFUL DECORATOR COLORS. THE FOAMIEST, FRIENDLIEST FLOOR THAT EVER FONDLED YOUR FAMILY'S FEET. I'M HOME, DARLING. HI. DARLING! - SWEETHEART! OH! - I GOT HIM! WHEE! YES, FOLKS, YOU'D COO TOO... IF YOU BELONGED TO THIS HAPPY FLUBBER FAMILY, THE FAMILY WHO CAN SAY PROUDLY... THEY LIVE IN THE HOUSE WITH THE FLUBBEROLEUM FLOORS. THAT'S JUST THE START. THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PRODUCTS WE HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF YET. I'M VERY IMPRESSED, BU - FINE, FINE. NOW IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN THIS LETTER OF AGREEMENT. THAT MILLION-DOLLAR CHECK IS THE EVIDENCE OF OUR GOOD FAITH. WELL, THERE'SJUST ONE LITTLE HITCH:I HAVE A PRIOR COMMITMENT. A PRIOR COMMITMENT? WITH WHO? THE GOVERNMENT. OUR GOVERNMENT? THAT'S RIGHT. YOU JUST SAID THE MAGIC WORD. ALL RIGHT, BOYS, PACK UP THE GEAR. THE PARTY'S OVER. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW BADLY I FEEL, MR. HURLEY. I DO HAVE ANOTHER IDEA YOU MIGHT BE- FORGET IT. - YOU'VE HURT MR. HURLEY VERY DEEPLY. OH! OH! HE IS TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, SIR. OH! NOW JUST A MINUTE. THIS IS MY DRESS. OH! I BEG YOUR PARDON. IF YOU'D JUST LET ME SHOW YOU SOME OF THE PLANS I HAVE IN MY LAB- MRS. BRAINARD, THE CHECK, PLEASE. OH, PLEASE. DO I HAVE TO GIVE THIS BACK? - IF YOU DON'T MIND. NO. - BETSY, GIVE MR. HURLEY BACK HIS CHECK. I WON'T! BETSY! THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU. NOW GIVE HIM HIS CHECK. NO! BETSY, GIVE ME THAT CHECK. BETSY. GIVE IT TO ME. THANK YOU. OH, I'M SORRY, DEAR. I JUST LOST MY HEAD FOR A MOMENT. BUT WHEN YOU'VE BEEN FIGHTING WITH THE GROCER ALL MONTH... AND YOU FIND A MILLION DOLLARS IN YOUR HAND- I SUPPOSE THIS HALF ISN'T ANY GOOD? OHH, VERY NICE. BEAUTIFUL QUALITY. YEAH. PROFESSOR BRAINARD? YES? HOW DO YOU DO? MY NAME IS HARKER. I'M FROM WASHINGTON. - FROM WASHINGTON? WELL, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU. COME RIGHT IN. - THANK YOU. DARLING, WONDERFUL NEWS. THIS IS MR. HARKER. HE'S HERE FROM WASHINGTON ALREADY. HOW PERFECTLY MARVELOUS. HOW DO YOU DO? HOW DO YOU DO? IT'S VERY NICE TO KNOW YOU, MRS. BRAINARD. MAY I TAKE YOUR HAT AND COAT, MR. HARKER? OH. THANK YOU. YOU AND YOUR DISCOVERY HAVE CERTAINLY CREATED QUITE A STIR DOWN IN OUR NATION'S CAPITAL. AND YOU'VE COME ABOUT THE PAYMENTS, HUH? YOU BETCHA. YOU'RE QUITE A PRIZE, YOU KNOW. THE BOYS IN MY DEPARTMENT DREW STRAWS TO SEE WHO'D GET YA. I'M HAPPY TO SAY I WON. WELL, THANK YOU. NOW THE THING IS, MR. HARKER, WE WANT MOS OF THIS MONEY TO GO TO MEDFIELD COLLEGE. OH, BUT FIRST, OF COURSE, WE'D LIKE TO PINCH OFF JUST A TINY BIT FOR OURSELVES. JUST ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSEHOLD BILLS THAT'VE BEEN STACKING UP FOR MONTHS. ALL RIGHT, DEAR? WHATEVER YOU SAY, DARLING. I'M AFRAID YOU FOLKS DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M FROM THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE. WELL, IF THERE'S ONE THING WE COULD USE AROUND HERE, IT'S A LITTLE REVENUE. YES, WE CERTAINLY- INTERNAL REVENUE? YOUR TAX BILL FOR THE FIRST THREE QUARTERS OF THE CURRENT YEAR. THE FIGURE INCLUDES DELINQUEN PENALTIES OF $12,895 AT FIVE PERCENT... FOR THE FIRST TWO QUARTERS - ALL BASED ON AN ESTIMATE OF PROJECTED EARNINGS, OF COURSE. $656,000? OH, I REALIZE THA THE ESTIMATE IS LOW... CONSIDERINGTHE STAGGERING POTENTIALOF FLUBBER, BUT UNCLE SAM IS WILLING TO BE UNDERSTANDING UNTIL YOU GET YOUR FINANCIAL HOUSE IN ORDER. BUT, MR. HARKER, WE DON'T HAVE 656 CENTS. YOU DON'T SAY? LET ME EXPLAIN, MR. HARKER. YOU SEE, I TURNED MY DISCOVERY OVER TO THOSE PEOPLE AT THE PENTAGON. NOW THEY PUT A TOP-SECRE CLASSIFICATION ON IT. I- I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO TALK TO ANYBODY ABOUT IT. YES. I KNOW THOSE BOYS AT THE PENTAGON. I USED TO REVIEW SOME OF THE GENERAL'S PERSONAL TAX RETURNS. A MILLION LAUGHS. WELL, THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND. - CERTAINLY. EXCUSE ME. NOW IF YOU'LL JUST GIVE ME A CHECK FOR THE AMOUNT ON THIS PAPER HERE, PLEASE. BUT HOW CAN I PAY YOU IF NOBODY PAYS ME? WELL, I REGRET TO SAY, PROFESSOR, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. BUT... LOOK AT I FROM OUR STANDPOINT. WE'VE BEEN COUNTING ON YOU. WE TRUSTED YOU. UNCLE SAM NEEDS THE MONEY. YOU DON'T BUILD THOSE ROCKETS TO THE MOON WITH GREEN STAMPS, YOU KNOW. EXCUSE ME, DEAR. JOEY'S HERE TO COLLECT FOR THE PAPER. DO YOU HAVE HALF A DOLLAR? I DON'T THINK SO. YOU ESTIMATED YOUR INCOME FOR THE CURRENT YEAR AT A MILLION DOLLARS. IS THIS TRUE?WELL, THAT WAS JUSTA WILD GUESS, MR. HARKER. WE THOUGHT THE MONEY WAS GOING TO COME ROLLING IN FROM ALL DIRECTIONS - MILLIONS. WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO COUN IT ALL. THERE'S TEN CENTS. THERE'S ANOTHER DIME. THAT'S TWENTY. WE'LL HAVE TO OWE HIM THE REST. HE WANTS HIS MONEY. BUT YOU DID MAKE THIS ESTIMATE BASED ON THIS TIDAL WAVE OF MONEY THAT YOU SPEAK ABOUT. THAT'S RIGHT. THERE'S ANOTHER DIME. THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT. THERE'S NOT ANOTHER CEN IN THE WHOLE HOUSE. YOU SEE,ESSENTIALLY, PROFESSOR, WE HAVE A TRUSTING NATURE. WHEN A TAXPAYER MAKES AN ESTIMATE, WE BELIEVE 'IM. WE'RE HAPPY FOR 'IM. WE'RE ROOTING FOR 'IM ALL THE WAY. WELL, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, MR. HARKER. OH, NED, I CLEANED ALL THE LOOSE CHANGE OUT OF THERE. OH. WELL, WE SHOULD HAVE COMPANY OVER MORE OFTEN. UNCLE SAM HAS TO RUNHIS STORE ON CURRENT INCOMEJUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. WHEN THE MONEY HE'S COUNTING ON DOESN'T COME IN, HE'S VERY SAD. NOW IN THIS CASE, THE SADNESS IS REPRESENTED BY A DELINQUENT PENALTY OF $12,895. I FOUND ANOTHER DIME. WE'RE STILL A DIME LIGHT. THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO GO AND TALK TO HIM. UH, PROFESSOR. MAY I? THANK YOU, MR. HARKER. THANK YOU. NOW, IN ADDITION TO THE SIX PERCENT PENALTY, IN THE CASE OF WILLFUL FAILURE TO PAY YOUR ESTIMATED TAX, THERE'S A $10,000 FINE... OR IMPRISONMENT- THANK YOU, MRS. BRAINARD. I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR RECEIPT. PROFESSOR... WHAT IS, UH, THE LITTLE LAD'S NAME? UH, JOEY MARRIANO. AND HOW MANY CUSTOMERS WOULD YOU SAY HE HAS ON HIS ROUTE? OH, I'D SAY AROUND 30. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT INFORMATION ABOUT LITTLE JOEY? UH, JUST A REMINDER TO MYSELF TO PUT A SPOT-CHECK ON THE LAD. A SMALL THING, YOU MIGHT SAY, BUT YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW MUCH UNREPORTED INCOME TURNS UP THIS WAY. BUT JOEY'S ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD. YOU WOULDN'T TAKE MONEY FROM A CHILD. YOU KNOW, PROFESSOR, YOUR WIFE HAS A REFRESHING SENSE OF HUMOR. WE DON'T RUN INTO IT OFTEN IN OUR LINE OF WORK, AND THAT'S A FACT. YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED. AH-AH-AH-AH. STICKS AND STONES, ETC. WE DO OUR PART TO KEEP THE WHEELS OF DEMOCRACY ROLLING. WARRIORS UNSUNG, UNKNOWN, MISUNDERSTOOD. IF NEED BE, I IMAGINE YOU'D PU YOUR OWN MOTHER IN JAIL. FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THA ABOUT MOM. A LITTLE MATTER OF SOME UNREPORTED INCOME FROM JAMS AND JELLIES. WE NAILED HER DEAD TO RIGHTS. WELL, I WON'T BORE YOU WITH SHOP TALK. UH, ONE LAST LITTLE PARTING THOUGHT, PROFESSOR. SHOULD UNCLE SAM REALLY WAN TO THROW THE BOOK AT YOU, WE HAVE SOME LOVELY PUNITIVE LAWS UNDER SECTION 7203, AND SECTION 6653, PARAGRAPH B, IS A REAL JIM-DANDY. GOOD DAY, SIR, AND A PLEASAN DAY TO YOU, MRS. BRAINARD. OH, NED. I FORGOT TO KISS YOU WHEN I CAME HOME. I MISSED YOU. I MISSED YOU TOO. YOU KNOW ALL I COULD THINK ABOU WHILE I WAS THERE IN WASHINGTON? WHAT? I JUST COULDN'T HELP FEELING SORRY FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE. THEY HAVE THEIR PROBLEMS, TOO, YOU KNOW. NOW YOU TAKE THAT INCOME TAX MAN. NED BRAINARD, DON'T YOU DARE, DARE TRY TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE GOVERNMENT. WE HAVE OUR OWN TROUBLES RIGHT HERE. BUT, SWEETHEART, I WAS ONLY THINKING ABOU THE WELFARE OF OUR COUNTRY. WELL, THIS IS PAR OF THE COUNTRY, ISN'T IT? TH-THIS HOUSE IS ON UNITED STATES TERRITORY. WE'RE CITIZENS. NOW LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR SELFISH, BUT JUST ONCE, CAN'T WE THINK ABOUT OURSELVES? BETSY, I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR FEELING THE WAY YOU DO, BUT PLEASE BELIEVE ME: EVERYTHING'S GOING TO WORK OUT ALL RIGHT. BUT, NED- NOW SIT DOWN, AND HOLD YOUR BREATH. I HAVE SOMETHING OF GREAT IMPORTANCE TO TELL YOU. OH? I WASN'T GOING TO TELL YOU TILL I HAD IT COMPLETELY WORKED OUT, BUT IF I KEEP IT TO MYSELF ANY LONGER, I'M GOING TO BUST. BETSY, THIS IS GOING TO BOWL YOU OVER. I THINK I'VE MANAGED TO GET HOLD OF THE WEATHER. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, YOU "GOT HOLD OF THE WEATHER"? WHAT IT MEANS, MRS. BRAINARD, IS THAT FLUBBER WAS ONLY THE KEY... THAT UNLOCKED A GREA STOREHOUSE OF COSMIC FORCES. OUT IN THAT HUMBLE GARAGE, FROM THE RESIDUE OF FLUBBER, I FOUND A GAS. I CALL IT "FLUBBER GAS", AND I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT WITH THIS FLUBBER GAS, I CAN ACTIVATE A CHANGE IN THE MOLECULAR BALANCE OF THE ATMOSPHERE. IT COULD EVEN TRIGGER OFF THE ENERGIES WHICH GIVE US RAIN, SNOW, SLEET, ELECTRICAL STORMS, BLUE SKIES, SUNSHINE, WHATEVER, WHEREVER WE CHOOSE. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT WOULD MEAN, BETSY? IT WOULD MEAN THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME, WEATHER WOULD BECOME THE SLAVE OF MAN, RATHER THAN HIS MASTER. IT COULD CHANGE THE FUTURE OF THE WHOLE WORLD, THE HISTORY OF MANKIND ITSELF. THAT'S VERY NICE, DEAR. VERY NICE? BETSY, THIS IS THE GREATEST- NED, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO SOMETHING SO WORLD-SHATTERING? CAN'T IT BE SOMETHING MODEST THAT WOULD BRING JUST A FEW DOLLARS INTO THIS HOUSE? LIKE GOOP THAT WOULD KEEP FINGERNAILS FROM BREAKING? OR TRASH CAN LIDS THAT WOULD ACTUALLY FIT THE TOP OF TRASH CANS! TRASH CANS? OR SOME LITTLE MACHINE... THAT PAYS THE GROCER AND THE DRY CLEANER AT THE END OF EVERY MONTH. I'D SAY I COULD USE A LITTLE MACHINE LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW! BETSY, PLEASE BE SERIOUS. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A WONDERFUL AGE WE ARE LIVING IN TODAY? ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. ANYTHING! FORTY YEARS AGO- EVEN THIRTY YEARS AGO- IF I SAID I'D FOUND A WAY TO CONTROL WEATHER, NO ONE WOULD'VE LISTENED, BU TODAY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'D SAY? I KNOW WHAT I WOULD SAY: I'D SAY I THINK THE FIRST IMPRESSION THAT I EVER HAD OF YOU WAS RIGHT. WHAT WAS THAT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE NUTS! LOOK. WE'VE GOT THIS BIG FOOTBALL GAME WITH RUTLAND NEXT SATURDAY, RIGHT? RIGHT. AND THEY'RE PRACTICALLY NATIONAL CHAMPS, RIGHT? RIGHT. SUPPOSE WE BEAT RUTLAND ON SATURDAY. EVEN MY OWN FATHER COULDN'T CLOSE A COLLEGE... THAT HAD JUST CLOBBERED THE NATIONAL CHAMPS, COULD HE? AH, BIFF, HOW CAN WE BEAT RUTLAND? OUR TEAM IS HARDLY STRONG ENOUGH TO GET ITSELF DRESSED IN THE MORNING. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE SUIT IS FOR? SCIENCE IN ACTION, BOY. I HAVEN'T BEEN HANGIN' AROUND PROFESSOR BRAINARD ALL SEMESTER JUST FOR KICKS, YOU KNOW. WHAT'S THIS THING SUPPOSED TO DO? KNUTE ROCKNE PUT NEW IDEAS INTO FOOTBALL. POP WARNER PUT NEW IDEAS INTO FOOTBALL. AND NOW, ALONZO HAWK, JR. IS GONNA DO HIS PART. HOW DOES THAT FEEL? HI, BIFF. HI, PROF. GOOD. YOU'VE GOT THE FLUBBER GAS ALL HOOKED UP, HUH? JUST LIKE YOU ASKED ME TO, SIR. OH, BY THE WAY, PROFESSOR, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY ASSISTANT. THIS IS HUMPHREY HACKER. OH. GLAD TO KNOW YA, HUMPHREY. HI THERE. HE WANTS TO BECOME A SCIENTIST. OH, NOT EXACTLY. WHAT I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN IS ANIMAL HUSBANDRY. OH, HUMPH, I WOULDN'T LET YOU THROW AWAY YOUR LIFE ON A BUNCH OF COWS. SIR, SCIENCE NEEDS BRILLIANT YOUNG MINDS LIKE HUMPHREY. BESIDES, I NEEDED A VOLUNTEER. VOLUNTEER? FOR WHAT? SIR, I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND, BUT I'D LIKE VERY MUCH TO BORROW A LITTLE FLUBBER GAS. YOU SEE, WE'VE GOT THIS FOOTBALL SUIT HERE- - OH, SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS. YES, SIR. HUMPHREY, COME ON. DEMONSTRATE. WHEN WE GET THE FLUBBER GAS, I WOULD COME THROUGH FEED TUBE "A"... AND INFLATE SHOULDER PAD "B." THEN IT WOULD COME THROUGH FEED TUBE "C"... AND INFLATE SHOULDER PAD "D", AND THEN THE LEG PADS, AND SO FORTH. THERE'S ONLY THING, BIFF. FLUBBER GAS IS EXTREMELY VIOLENT, EXCEPTIONALLY POWERFUL. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH PROTECTION THOSE PADS ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU. PROTECTION, SIR? OH, WE'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT PROTECTION. WE'RE THINKING ABOU OFFENSIVE POWER! WELL, LOOK. JUST IMAGINE, SIR. THE TEAMS LINE UP. THE BALL IS SNAPPED. I TAKE THE BALL, AND I SLAM IT INTO HUMPHREY'S STOMACH. NOW A WHOLE WAVE OF THOSE BIG RUTLAND GORILLAS COMES POURING IN TO SMASH HIM. FEARLESSLY, HUMPHREY LOWERS HIS HEAD. HE CHARGES RIGHT INTO 'EM. THE FLUBBER GAS REACTS- ZAM! WHAM! KERSPLUNCH! RUTLAND LINEMEN FALL LIKE TEN PINS IN EVERY DIRECTION! HUMPHREY STAGGERS, BUT HE KEEPS RUNNING. THE RUTLAND SECONDARY COMES IN JUST TO SMASH HIM! BOOM! POW! POW! LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK'S BACK THEY BOUNCE. HUMPHREY STAGGERS, BUT HE KEEPS ON RUNNING, AND HE'S TO THE 30. HE'S TO THE 20, THE 10! HE'S OVER FOR A TOUCHDOWN! FANS ARE GOING WILD! YEA, HUMPHREY! YEA, MEDFIELD! YEA! YEA! WHADDYA THINK, SIR? WELL, IF FIRST IMPRESSIONS MEAN ANYTHING, I, UH - I THINK YOU'RE SLIGHTLY NUTS. SIR? I'M SORRY, BIFF. I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING SOMEONE VERY NEAR AND DEAR JUST SAID TO ME. DON'T LET ME DISCOURAGE YOU. YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. OH, THANK YOU, SIR. WE'LL GO ON A CRASH PROGRAM RIGHT NOW. PICK IT UP. WE'RE GONNA EAT AND SLEEP THIS THING 24 HOURS A DAY TILL WE GET IT WHIPPED. LET ME KNOW IF I CAN HELP YOU. THANK YOU, SIR. MEANTIME, I'M ON A LITTLE TRASH CAN - I MEAN, CRASH PROGRAM OF MY OWN. PROJECT WEATHER GUN. WELL, HERE GOES. FIRST, WE CONNECT THE CIRCUI WITH THE WEATHER GUN. AND WE FILL THE CIRCUI WITH FLUBBER GAS. THEN WE ACTIVATE THE PUMP... SO THE GAS FLOWS THROUGH THE GUN AT CONSTANT PRESSURE. NOW THE FLUBBER GAS IS VIOLENT, BUT WE NEED EVEN MORE VIOLENCE, SO WE STIMULATE I ELECTRONICALLY. YEAH. NOW LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT. HMM. NOW LET'S SEE. YOU KNOW, BIFF, THIS STUFF IS LABELED "DANGEROUS." OH, NOW, HUMPH BOY. LOOK, WOULD I GET YOU INTO A SITUATION UNLESS I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING? YEAH. THAT SHOULD DO IT. THAT SHOULD DO IT. I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM SO WORKED UP. WHEN I BOMBARD A CLOUD WITH A BEAM LIKE THIS, IT JUST HAS TO LEAD TO CLUSTERING- IN TURN, LEADING TO A TRANSFER OF PARTICLE MOMENTUM... AND THE INEVITABLE CONSEQUENCE: PRECIPITATION - RAIN ALL OVER THE PLACE. NOW FOR A CLOUD. NOT A CLOUD IN THE SKY. NOT ONE SINGLE CLOUD. WOULDN'T YA KNOW IT? WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE? RANGE: ABOUT 30 FEET. SWITCH ON. READY. AIM. FIRE. IT WORKS! CHARLIE BRAINARD! BETSY. BETSY. I DID IT! I DID IT! YOU DID? THAT'S RIGHT, SWEETHEART, AND THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING. THE NEXT TIME, I'M GOING TO FLOOD THE WHOLE COUNTY. IT'S A RESULT OF MY FOOLING AROUND WITH THE MOLECULAR CONFIGURATION OF FLUBBER GAS. I'LL GET A MOP AND CLEAN IT UP. OH, NEVER MIND. NED, I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY. ALL I ASK OF YOU IS TO GET DRESSED FOR DINNER. COMPANY WILL BE HERE AT 7:00. WHATEVER YOU SAY, DEAR. THOUGH APRIL SHOWERS MAY COME YOUR WAY THEY BRING THE FLOWERS WELL, WHO'S GOING TO BE HERE FOR DINNER, BETSY? DIDN'T I TELL YOU, DEAR? NO, I DON'T THINK YOU DID. WHO'S GOING TO BE HERE? NOW, I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE UPSET. BETSY, WHO'S COMING TO DINNER? IF THERE'S ONE THING I'M CERTAIN YOU'RE NOT, IT'S NARROW-MINDED. BETSY, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO'S COMING TO DINNER. IT ISN'T AS THOUGH HE WERE COMING ALL BY HIMSELF. BESIDES, HE WAS SUCH A GOOD SPORT ABOU OUR GETTING MARRIED. YOU DON'T MEAN- I DON'T SEE ONE SINGLE REASON WHY WE CAN'T ALL BE GOOD FRIENDS. WE'RE ADULTS, YOU KNOW, NOT CHILDREN. YOU DON'T FOR ONE SINGLE MINUTE MEAN- THAT DEAR, SWEET, KIND, THOUGHTFUL- DOUBLE-CROSSING, MISERABLE, FOUR-FLUSHING SNAKE- SHELBY ASHTON! BETSY, I THINK YOU'LL AGREE THAT I'M A VERY PATIENT MAN, BUT OLD FLAME OR NOT, IF THAT NO-GOOD RA SETS ONE GRUBBY PAW INSIDE THIS HOUSE, I'LL- NED, IF YOU RAISE ONE HAND- I'LL GET IT. NUZZIE! OH. EVENING, PROFESSOR. HELLO, BETSY DEAR. IT'S WONDERFUL TO - WHO IS THAT? AS SOON AS THEY UNGLUE THEMSELVES, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET AN OLD FRIEND OF NED'S: DESIREE DE LA ROCHE. -NOW WAIT A MINUTE. I DON'T KNOW ANY- HOLY CATS! IT'S MARY LEE SPOONER! OF COURSE IT IS, NUZZIE DARLING. I'LL BE DARNED. I KNEW YOU WERE VAGUE, LOVER, BUT I DIDN' THINK YOU WERE THAT VAGUE. I'LL BE DOGGONE. BETSY, DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS? - NO, "NUZZIE." WHO IS IT? IT'S MARY LEE SPOONER. YOU SAID THAT BEFORE. SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, I DIDN'T GET MUCH OUT OF IT. YOU MUST'VE HEARD ME TALK ABOUT HER. MARY LEE AND I USED TO GO TOGETHER, DIDN' WE? IT WAS LONG BEFORE I MET YOU, BETSY. BY GOSH, MARY LEE, YOU'VE CHANGED. WHAT'S ALL THIS DESIREE DE LA WHATEVER IT IS? WELL, I'VE BEEN MARRIED HERE AND THERE, AND, UH, I PICKED UP A NAME OR TWO SINCE I LEFT MEDFIELD. AND I'VE JUST BEEN LIVING IN PARIS ALL THIS TIME. IN PARIS? DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. I WONDERED WHAT HAPPENED TO YA. GOSH, WE USED TO HAVE THE TIMES, DIDN'T WE, MARY LEE? BETSY, THERE WAS ONE TIME WHEN MARY LEE AND I- WELL, I-I GUESS THAT'S ALL WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE, HUH? WHY DON'T WE GO IN THE LIVING ROOM AND TRY TO MAKE OURSELVES COMFORTABLE? YES. LET'S. BETSY, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE WAS A SURPRISE FOR DINNER? WELL, I HADN'T EXACTLY PLANNED IT THIS WAY. WELL, UH, DESIREE WAS BACK IN TOWN, AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "SHELBY, HOW ABOU A GRAND REUNION?" AS THE POET SAID, "IS NO OLD WINE THE WHOLESOMEST, "OLD PIPPINS THE MOST TOOTHSOME? OLD WOOD BURNS BRIGHTEST, AND OLD FRIENDS ARE SURELY THE BEST." A LOVELY THOUGHT. MM, YES. THAT'S TRES CONTINENTAL. IT'S SO INTERESTING SEEING THE KIND OF GIRL NED MARRIED. WHY, YOU AND I AREN' THE SAME TYPE AT ALL. OH, WHAT TYPE WOULD YOU SAY I AM, DESIREE? WELL-A FUNNY THING HAPPENEDOUT IN THE LAB TODAY- WE'RE SO DIFFERENT, YOU AND I. I'M THE GAY, IRREPRESSIBLE MADCAP... FLITTING FROM FLOWER TO FLOWER, AND YOU'RE THE NICE, SENSIBLE LITTLE HOMEMAKER. N'EST-CE PAS? THE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT BETSY IS, SHE COMBINES BEAUTY WITH BRAINS. WELL, I'LL DRINK TO THAT. SO WILL I. I THINK BETSY'S SWEET. I THINK SHE'S JUST AS SWEE AS SHE CAN BE. THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK YOU REALIZE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE. I HAD TO GO THROUGH THREE MARRIAGES BEFORE I REALIZED... THAT NED WAS THE KIND OF MAN I WAS LOOKING FOR ALL ALONG. OH, IS THAT SO? - SOMETIMES I GET ALL CHOKED UPINSIDE THINKING OF IT. IMAGINE GOING ALL THE WAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD... WHEN THE BLUEBIRD OF HAPPINESS WAS HERE ALL ALONG. OH, I'M SORRY, DESIREE. STILL, IT'S NICE TO KNOW I'VE DONE THE RIGHT THING. YES. POOR, BRAVE CHILD. I WISH THINGS WERE GOING BETTER FOR HER. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? COME NOW, BRAINARD. THERE'S NO REASON TO PRETEND WITH US. EVERYONE KNOWS MEDFIELD COLLEGE IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN THE DRAIN. WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE YOU? WHAT'S IT TO YOU? IT SO HAPPENS I HAVE JUST BEEN MADE... OF RUTLAND COLLEGE. IT'S A VERY COMPLEX AND DEMANDING JOB. I'D LIKE TO ASK BETSY TO BECOME MY ASSISTANT. THAT'S TERRIBLY KIND OF YOU, AND VERY FLATTERING. WELL, YOU CAN JUST FORGET IT. NOW LET'S HAVE NO FOOLISH PRIDE. I SAID LET'S FORGET IT. JUST A MINUTE, NED. IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE A CHANCE TO EXPRESS MYSELF. ANOTHER THING, OLD MAN, I CAN PROBABLY USE MY INFLUENCE TO GET YOU SOME INSTRUCTOR'S JOB. DON'T BOTHER TO DO ME ANY FAVORS. I DIDN'T SAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE THE POSITION. ALL I SAID- NO WIFE OF MINE IS GOING TO WORK, NOT AS LONG AS I HAVE A SPARK OF LIFE LEFT IN MY BODY. THAT IS AN ABSURDLY OLD-FASHIONED ATTITUDE. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT NUZZIE. I JUST ADORE OLD-FASHIONED MEN. COULD I HAVE AN ONION INSTEAD OF AN OLIVE THIS TIME? YOU'LL FIND SOME IN THE ICEBOX. EXCUSE ME. OH. YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER FOR HIM THAN I AM. IF I'D MARRIED HIM, I WOULD HAVE JUST SPOILED HIM ROTTEN. YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE IT THIS WAY, BRAINARD. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. AFTER ALL, WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR? LOOK, JUST WHERE DO YOU GET THE IDEA THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STARVING TO DEATH AROUND HERE? OKAY, SO THE FLUBBER DEAL HAS STALLED IN WASHINGTON TEMPORARILY, BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING GOING ON IN THAT GARAGE OUT THERE- WELL, IT CAN MAKE A MAN WEALTHY A DOZEN TIMES OVER. HOLD TIGHT, HUMPH. HERE WE GO. B- BIFF! B-BIFF! BIFF, HELP ME! HANG ON, HUMPH. JUST A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH THE VALVE. PLEASE, BIFF. GET ME OUTTA HERE, BIFF! BIFF! COME ON. GET ME OUTTA HERE! I DON'T WISH TO PRY, BUT MAY I INQUIRE WHAT THIS MARVELOUS NEW DISCOVERY IS? IT'S A REVOLUTIONARY CONCEP IN WEATHER CONTROL. WEATHER CONTROL. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'LL EFFECT PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD. AND ITS COMMERCIAL POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS. MAY I ASK HOW IT WORKS? OR IS IT STILL IN THE VISIONARY STAGE? IT IS NOT IN THE VISIONARY STAGE. I BOMBARD THE CLOUDS... WITH A TECHNIQUE I AM NOT A THE MOMENT AT LIBERTY TO DIVULGE. OH, I SEE. BIFF! BIFF! BIFF! YOU BOMBARD THE CLOUDS WITH PEOPLE. THAT IS ORIGINAL THINKING. BIFF! WHO'S THERE? HUMPHREY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? WELL, I D-DON'T KNOW. WHO'S THERE?ANSWER OR I'LL BLAST YOUTO RIBBONS. IT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. HUMMEL. NOBODY IN HERE BUT US CHICKENS. DINNER'S READY WHEN YOU ARE. HI, PROF. HOW'S IT GOIN'? FINE. FINE. YOU KNOW, I FOUND OU ONE THING YESTERDAY. FLUBBER GAS HAS A CERTAIN ANTAGONIZING EFFECT ON THE ATMOSPHERE. YEAH? YEAH. AND TODAY I'M REALLY GOING TO STIR IT UP. I'M LOOKING FOR BIG GAME TODAY. LIKE THAT BIG, FAT CLOUD OUT THERE. COME ON, HUMPH. LET'S GET SUITED UP. Y- YOU'RE NOT GONNA SHOOT ME OUT THE GARAGE AGAIN. WILL YOU STOP WORRYING SO MUCH? WELL, WHY COULDN'T YOU TES THE SUIT WITH A CHIMPANZEE? ARE YOU KIDDING? THOSE ANIMALS COST MONEY. NOW LET'S SEE. I'D SAY DISTANCE ABOUT THREE MILES. MIGHT BE A LITTLE FAR, BUT WE'LL TAKE A CRACK AT IT ANYWAY, HEY, CHARLIE? MAYBE GIVE 'EM A LITTLE RAIN OVER IN LINCOLN COUNTY. THEY NEED IT THERE TOO. ALL RIGHT. SWITCH ON. RELAX, CHARLIE. YOU WON'TTAKE THE RAP THIS TIME. ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. READY. AIM. FIRE. IT ISN'T RAINING RAIN YOU KNOW IT'S RAINING FLUBBER GAS HMM. SMELLS LIKE RAIN. BETTER GET MY UMBRELLA. NOTHING. ALL RIGHT. WE'LL POUR ON A LITTLE MORE JUICE. NOW- COME ON NOW, CLOUD. CRY A LITTLE. MAYBE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A CHANGE IN THE WEATHER, DEAR. YES. THE BAROMETER'S REAL- NOTHING, CHARLIE. JUST NOTHING. WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO LOSE? WHY DON'T WE TURN UP FULL POWER AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS? YEAH. WHAT HAVE WE GO TO LOSE? YOU CAN'T BLAME BETSY. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL HAVING TO LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH THAT NUT? OH, NO! NO! WELL, WE DIDN'T GET MUCH RAIN OUT OF THAT ONE, DID WE, CHARLIE? WELL, HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE. OH, YES, SUCH A LOVELY PIECE, MRS. BRAINARD. I JUST DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN BRING YOURSELF TO SELL IT. WELL, A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY AROUND THE HOUSE COMES IN HANDY. A PROFESSOR'S WIFE. YOU UNDERSTAND. YES, WELL, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, I THINK I CAN ACCOMMODATE YOU. LET'S SEE. THERE'S 40, 60- BROKEN WINDOWS? NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT AROUND HERE. JUST STAY ON THE BALL OU THERE. SURE, CAPTAIN. SURE. HANSON, KELLY! SOMEBODY ANSWER ME! HANSON! I HEAR WATER! IT'S ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN. WE'RE JUST GETTIN' THE CAR WASHED. NO, NO, NO! WE DON' PAY OFF ON THAT! NOBODY, BUT NOBODY, PUTS ANYTHING OVER ON ALONZO P. HAWK. QUIET BACK THERE. I'M ON THE PHONE. READ THE SMALL PRINT! HOLD ON. NOW LOOK. IF THE GLASS BROKE, YOU WERE PROBABLY NEGLIGENT. THE AULD LANG SYNE DOES NO PAY OFF ON NEGLIGENCE, FRIEND. AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YA! WELL... NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. YOU CAN COME OUT NOW, CHARLIE. WELL, CHARLIE, MAYBE I WAS WRONG. MAYBE THERE WAS NOTHING TO THE IDEA AFTER ALL. IT WON'T BE THE FIRST TIME WE'VE STRUCK OUT, WILL IT? HEY, WHERE DO WE PUT THIS STUFF? OUR TEST SITE'S OVER HERE. YOU KNOW, I SURE APPRECIATE YOU GUYS HELPING US OUT. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? WHAT'S THE BIG SECRET? YOU'LL FIND OU SOON ENOUGH. OR MAYBE THE CLOUD WAS JUS TOO FAR AWAY, CHARLIE. RAINMAKERS HAVE ALWAYS RUN INTO THAT SAME OLD SNAG: CLOUDS ARE EITHER TOO FAR AWAY OR NO CLOUDS AT ALL. IF WE COULD JUST HAVE CLOUDS WHEN AND WHERE WE NEEDED THEM, MAYBE- WAIT A MINUTE, CHARLIE. I MADE THAT LITTLE TEAKETTLE CLOUD RAIN BY BOMBARDING IT WITH A FLUBBER GAS BEAM... AND DISORGANIZING THE MOISTURE PATTERN. WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE TO MAKE A CLOUD... BY WORKING IN REVERSE? NATURALLY, IT COULDN'T BE ANYTHING AS SIMPLE AS JUST... REVERSING THE POLARITY OF THE GAS. OR COULD IT? COULD IT, CHARLIE? LET'S FIND OUT. NOW WE'LL REVERSE THE POLARITY... AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. OH, SOMETHING'S HAPPENING, ALL RIGHT, CHARLIE. SOMETHING'S REALLY HAPPENING. AND THE N-402s DON'T EVEN SEEM TO CARE. NOW LET'S SEE. I REVERSED THE POLARITY. NOW THIS MUST HAVE INTEGRATED THE VAPORIFIC FORCES... AND i prouzrokovalo NUZZIE? IS THAT YOU, DARLING? DESIREE HERE. HELLO? NUZZIE? HELLO, DESIREE. POOR LAMB. YOU SOUND AS IF YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE COLD. ISN'T THAT NICE LITTLE WIFE OF YOURS TAKING PROPER CARE OF YOU? YOU KNOW, OVERSHOES AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING. WHAT DO YOU WANT, DESIREE? - WELL, LOVER, I JUST WANTED TO BE SURE... YOU HADN'T FORGOTTEN OUR LITTLE GET-TOGETHER TOMORROW. GET- GET-TOGETHER? WELL, OF COURSE, DEAREST. WE ARRANGED IT WHEN I SAW YOU YESTERDAY. OH, YES. YESTERDAY. - WELL, TRES BON, CHERI. AND I'LL SEE YOU AROUND EIGHTISH? HUGS AND KISSES. ARRIVEDERCI. WELL, THAT PUTS THE TIN HAT ON IT! DP, P, PLUS, MINUS AND G. GT, DH. GREAT JUMPING JUPITER PLUVIUS! WE'VE MADE OUR OWN CLOUD! AND IT'S RAINING! IT'S RAINING! IT'S RAINING! CHARLIE, IT'S RAINING! AND IT'S OUR RAIN, CHARLIE, MADE FROM OUR OWN CLOUD! TASTE IT. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? OH, MY NOTES. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THEM. NOW I KNOW HOW THOSE TEXAS OIL FELLAS FEEL WHEN A GUSHER COMES IN. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL, CHARLIE? WHERE'S MY PEN? IT'S REALLY COMIN' DOWN. HEY, COME ON, BIFF. WHAT GIVES? YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME... WE'VE BEEN ROPED IN ON SOME HALF-BAKED IDEA OF YOURS. YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T MY IDEA ENTIRELY. THE PROFESSOR'S IN ON THIS TOO. THE PROF IS? JUST AS GOOD AS. HE CHECKED THE WHOLE THING OUT WITH ME. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? THAT'S DIFFERENT. 'CAUSE IF THE PROF SAYS IT'S OKAY- RAINING YOU KNOW IT'S RAINING BETSY! BETSY! BETSY! BETSY, I MADE A CLOUD, AND I MADE IT RAIN. IT'S BAD LUCK TO OPEN AN UMBRELLA IN THE HOUSE. "HOW", YOU SAY, "DID YOU MAKE THIS CLOUD, YOU GENIUS YOU?" AND I SAY, JUST THE WAY NATURE HERSELF DOES I - OUT OF THE MOISTURE IN THE AIR AROUND US. IT'S BEEN GOING ON RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, BUT THE QUESTION WAS, HOW DOES SHE DO IT? SPEAKING OF THINGS GOING ON UNDER OUR NOSES, HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING DESIREE DE LA ROCHE? I MAY HAVE BUMPED INTO HER A COUPLE OF TIMES. SHE PHONED AWHILE AGO; MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT A LITTLE GET-TOGETHER TOMORROW NIGHT. SAID THAT YOU'D KNOW ALL ABOU IT. SAID I'D KNOW ALL ABOUT IT? WHY, I HAVEN'T THE SLI - WAIT A MINUTE. THERE WAS SOME TALK ABOUT A PARTY. I THINK IT WAS FOR HALLOWEEN. HA! I WAS ON MY WAY HOME FROM CLASS, AND SHE JUST HAPPENED TO BE DRIVING BY- WOMEN LIKE DESIREE NEVER HAPPEN TO DO ANYTHING. WHAT? IF I WASN'T SUCH A SWEET, INNOCENT-MINDED LITTLE WIFE, I'D SAY THAT WOMAN WAS TRYING TO GET HER HOOKS INTO YOU AGAIN. NOW, BETSY, THAT ISN'T WORTHY OF YOU. MARY LEE- DESIREE- JUST ISN'T THAT KIND OF A GIRL. DO ME A PERSONAL FAVOR AND STOP CALLING THAT WOMAN A GIRL! WELL, ANYWAY, UNDERNEATH ALL THA GLAMOUR AND GAIETY AND INTELLIGENCE... IS REALLY A SIMPLE, KINDHEARTED PERSON. YOU BET. BETSY, I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT I'VE NOTICED A CHANGE IN YOU LATELY. IT ALL SEEMED TO START THE NIGHT THAT SNEAK SHELBY ASHTON CAME OVER AND OFFERED YOU THAT JOB. I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT THAT JOB, BUT I'M BEGINNING TO CHANGE MY MIND. BETSY, I'M NOT A FUSSY MAN, BUT WHEN THA ASHTON COMES OVER AND STARTS BUTTERING YOU UP... WITH THAT GUFF ABOU "BEAUTY PLUS BRAINS"- OH! AND AS FAR AS YOU'RE CONCERNED, THERE'S NOT A WORD OF TRUTH IN IT, RIGHT? I DIDN'T SAY THAT, BU ANYBODY THAT WOULD LISTEN... TO WHAT THAT PRETENTIOUS PIPSQUEAK HAS TO SAY- OH, NED, LET'S NOT QUARREL. BETSY, ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE? YES, I AM, NED. YOU SEE, I HAVE A PROBLEM. I LOVE YOU. IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT, I'D KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO. BETSY, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING! YES, I'M GOING SOMEWHERE WHERE I CAN THINK CLEARLY. THINK CLEARLY? ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT YOU AND DESIREE. DESIREE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME, BETSY. I DON'T MEAN ANYTHING TO HER. OH, REALLY? YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HER ON THE PHONE WHEN SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS TALKING TO YOU. EVERYTHING WAS "DARLING", "SWEETIE", "LOVER", "CHERI, ""HUGS AND KISSES"! BUT, BETSY, THAT'S JUST HER WAY. SHE'S A VERY OUTGOING PERSONALITY. WELL, SAY GOOD-BYE TO ANOTHER OUTGOING PERSONALITY. BETSY, YOU'RE NO LEAVING THIS HOUSE! NED, I'M GOING TO THE DAGGETTS' FOR A FEW DAYS. BETSY. I DON'T KNOW WHEN AND IF I'LL BE BACK. I JUST HAVE TO THINK CALMLY AND LOGICALLY. BETSY, YOU CAN'T GO ANYPLACE. WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR CAR? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO IT. AND DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. I'M GOING TO THE DAGGETTS'. - PLEASE, BETSY, CAN'T WE REASON THIS OUT? NO, BECAUSE A STRANGE THING HAS HAPPENED TO ME. DESIREE MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE SWEETEST GIRL IN THE WORLD, BUT I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING: EVERY TIME I HEAR HER NAME I GE AWFULLY, AWFULLY, AWFULLY, AWFULLY ANGRY. BUT, BETSY, YOU'RE NO BEING VERY LOGICAL ABOUT THIS. HEY, WHAT I DON'T GET IS, HOW COME NO PADS BEHIND HUMPHREY? HUMPH DOESN'T NEED 'EM. HE'LL COME SMASHING INTO YOU, YOU GUYS'LL GO BOUNCING BACK... AND OL' HUMPH IS GONNA KEEP RIGHT ON GOIN', RIGHT, HUMPH? I GUESS SO. - OKAY, HUMPH, IT'S YOUR NECK. READY, YOU GUYS? READY, HUMPH? ONE, TWO, HIKE! OOF! WHO'S IN THERE? ANSWER OR I'LL BLAST YA! THAT'S IT. I'VE HAD IT. I QUIT. LOOK, AFTER ALL YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TURN CHICKEN. I ALREADY DID. YOU'D BETTER ANSWER IT, MRS. DAGGETT. THAT POOR MAN HAS PHONED A HALF DOZEN TIMES TODAY. I'M TIRED OF STALLING HIM. WHAT'S THE MATTER? AFRAID TO TALK TO HIM? WHY DOESN'T SOMEBODY PICK UP THAT PHONE? OR IS IT CONTAMINATED? AND WOULD YOU COME IN AND HELP ME WITH MY HAIR, IF YOU DON'T MIND? JA? - IS THIS THE, UH, DAGGETT RESIDENCE? JA. - WELL, WHO'S THIS? THIS HULDA CHRISTOFFSEN. I THINK. NEW MAID, BY GOLLY. OH. WELL, HULDA, MAY I SPEAK TO MRS. BRAINARD, PLEASE? IT'S VERY IMPORTANT. MISS BETSY NOT HERE. SHE BEEN SITTIN' AROUND ALL DAY CRYIN' LIKE HEART WOULD BREAK. SHE BEEN GONE OUT TONIGHT. GONE OUT? DO YOU KNOW WHERE? SHE INVITED MANY PARTIES. VERY POPULAR, I THINK. LOOK VERY PRETTY, BY JIMINY. LOOK BEAUTIFUL. OH? YOU BEEN GONE OUT TONIGHT TOO? YOU HAVE LADY FRIEND TOO, JA? NO, I BEEN SIT HOME ALONE... FRIENDLESS, HUNGRY. THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT IN THE HOUSE. GOOD! WHAT? I- I THINK I HANG UP NOW. "GONE OUT." "LOOK BEAUTIFUL." AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED, I COULD STARVE TO DEATH. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING TO EAT IN THIS HOUSE. SOAP. DANDY. FOR DOGS. WHEAT FLOUR, WHOLE MILK, SOYBEAN MEAL, DRIED FISH. SORRY, CHARLIE. MMM. CANDY. NOT GOOD FOR LITTLE DOGS, CHARLIE. TRICK OR TREAT, PROFESSOR! OH, I'M SORRY, FELLAS. THERE'S JUST NOT A THING IN THE HOUSE. - TRICK OR TREAT. EXCEPT THESE CHOCOLATES. THEY LOOK STALE. - YES, THEY DO LOOK A LITTLE STALE, DON'T THEY? I'LL TELL YOU, IF YOU DON' WANT THEM- - YES, WE DO. HEY, THAT'S SOME CRAZY RADIATOR CAP THE PROFESSOR'S GOT THERE. YEAH. GUESS HE'S GOIN' OUT TO MAKE SOME FIELD STUDIES WITH IT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THOUGHT I MIGHT GO OUT TONIGHT AFTER DINNER. HI, PROF. BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU FELLAS EATEN? NO! NO! WELL, SCIENCE MARCHES ON, BU NOT ON AN EMPTY STOMACH, HUH? WHY DON'T WE GO OU AND HAVE A NICE, HOT DINNER? GREAT! I'M STARVING. DOES ANYBODY YEAH! HAVE ANY MONEY? OH, I'M SORRY, PROF, BUT THE HOT WATER BOTTLES DIDN'T WORK, AND WE HAD TO BLOW EVERY CENT WE HAD ON THE SCUBA SUIT. GOD, I WISH WE WERE INVITED TO ONE OF THOSE HALLOWEEN PARTIES AROUND HERE. I BET THEY GO LOTS OF EATS. WAIT A MINUTE! I WAS INVITED TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY AT DESIREE'S HOUSE. NOW, LET'S SEE. HELP ME GET THA OLD TRUNK OFF OF THE SHELF, HUH? BUT HOW 'BOUT HUMPH AND ME? DON'T YOU WORRY. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT. OPEN THAT SIDE. NOW I'LL GO IN FIRST, AND THEN YOU FELLAS COME ALONG LATER AND RING THE DOORBELL. WE'LL ARRANGE SOME KIND OF A SIGNAL. AND THEN- HERE'S MY OLD COONSKIN COAT. MY OLD HAT- JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING IN CASE I GET HUNGRY LATER. YES, SIR. TWO LONGS AND A SHORT. THAT'S IT. OH, PARDON ME. I- I'LL GET IT. BOO! - WELL, A COUPLE OF GHOSTS! TRICK OR TREAT! - WELL, WE DON'T WANT ANY TRICKS AROUND HERE, DO WE? HERE'S SOME NICE POPCORN. OH, BOY! POPCORN! POTATO CHIPS. I LIKE POTATO CHIPS! AND SOME CHICKEN. CHICKEN! I WANT A DRUMSTICK. WELL, BRAINARD. AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK THE LITTLE FOLK TO STEP INSIDE? COME ON, KIDDIES. - JIGGERS! WELL! HOW DO YOU LIKE THOSE BIG LUGS PRETENDING THEY'RE CHILDREN? I'LL GO AND HAVE A TALK WITH THEM. NUZZIE! SO NICE THA YOU COULD GET HERE. THERE'S A TUB OF MARTINIS IN HERE, AND EVERYBODY'S BOBBING FOR OLIVES. IT'S JUST TERRIFIC THAT YOU BROUGHT YOUR SAXOPHONE. OH, WELL- BOYS, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE FINEST SAXOPHONE PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF MEDFIELD HIGH SCHOOL. WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT. YOU WERE TOO! NOW GO ON, NUZZIE. PLAY. WELL, I DON'T THINK I'D BETTER. - COME ON, LOVER, JOIN RIGHT IN. IT'LL BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES. WELL, IF YOU FELLAS DON'T MIND. THE SAME SWEET CLOWN. I'M SO GLAD TO SEE THAT GIRL HASN'T CHANGED YOU. I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD HAVE COME. NONSENSE, MY DEAR. A BI OF GAIETY WILL DO YOU GOOD. GOOD EVENING. - GOOD EVENING, SIR. GOOD EVENING, MADAM. I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NED. HE'S SO HELPLESS ALL BY HIMSELF. EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR. HELLO, FREDERICK. MAY I TAKE YOUR COAT, MADAM? OH, YES. THANK YOU. BETSY! SO NICE TO SEE YOU. EXCUSE ME, PLEASE! HOW LOVELY YOU ARE WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY. IS ANYTHING THE MATTER? BETSY! WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING HERE? I MIGHT ASK THE SAME THING OF YOU. IN FACT, I THINK I WILL. HERE I WAS FEELING SORRY FOR YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE HOME ALONE AND HUNGRY. WELL, I WAS. BUT THERE IS AN INSTINC CALLED SELF-PRESERVATION, YOU KNOW. UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS EVEN THE LOWES FORM OF LIFE WILL GO SEARCHING FOR FOOD. VERY APTLY PUT. - LOOK, NEPTUNE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SUBMERGE? NED, THERE IS NO REASON FOR ANY OF THAT. I'M LEAVING! BETSY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. THERE IS NOTHING FOR YOU AND ME TO SAY TO ONE ANOTHER! SHELBY, WOULD YOU TAKE ME HOME, PLEASE? YOU SEE, BRAINARD, YOU'VE ALREADY SPOILED THE PARTY FOR HER. NOW WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE BETSY ALONE? ASHTON, IF YOU DON'T STAY OUT OF THIS- I WILL NOT HAVE YOU TWO FIGHTING OVER ME! WHY, BETSY! WHA A PERFECTLY DARLING COSTUME! SOME KIND OF A PEASANT, AREN'T YOU? GOOD NIGHT, NUZZIE. WAIT, BETSY - COME ON, NUZZIE. BACK TO THE PARTY. WAIT, MARY LEE- COME ON, DARLIN'. NORMALLY, I'M THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD TO INTRUDE UPON A PERSON'S PRIVATE LIFE, BUT WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, AS I DO- THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME HOME, SHELBY. SIMPLY BECAUSE OF A HEADSTRONG, IMPETUOUS MARRIAGE TO A MAN NO FIT TO TOUCH THE HEM OF YOUR SKIRT- BETSY, I FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME, BUT- OH, SHELBY. I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU. NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. AS THE POET SAYS, "THE HUR IS NOT SO DEEP AS A WELL, "NOR SO WIDE AS A CHURCH DOOR, BUT 'TIS ENOUGH; 'TWILL SERVE." I'M SORRY, SHELBY. GOOD NIGHT. I'LL RING YOU FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! OKAY, CHARLIE. BATTLE STATIONS. I NEED A GUINEA PIG FOR THIS EXPERIMENT, AND I KNOW JUST THE PIG. BRAINARD! OH, SAY, CAPTAIN, WE WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THIS NEW PROWL CAR. DON'T WORRY, CAPTAIN. THIS IS ONE CAR WE'RE REALLY GONNA TAKE CARE OF. WHAT IS IT? I'VE GOT JUST THE FAINTEST GHOST OF AN IDEA. I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, PROFESSOR. BUT DID OUR BRAND-NEW PATROL CAR GET IN YOUR WAY? OFFICER! IT ISN'T MY FAULT! IT'S THAT FIEND, BRAINARD! HE'S UP THERE, SOMEWHERE! GET HIM! FIND HIM! DO SOMETHING! THOUGH APRIL SHOWERS MAY COME YOUR WAY THEY BRING THE FLOWERS LA-DA-DA-DEE GOOD MORNING, BOYS. YOU'RE UP EARLY THIS MORNING. BRIGHT AND EARLY, PROFESSOR. MR. HAWK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SPREADING SUNSHINE, BRINGING CHEER AND GOOD TIDINGS TO MY FELLOW MAN. UH, MAY I TAKE THE LIBERTY, PROFESSOR? NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS IS A MAP OF OUR FAIR COMMUNITY. WHAT ABOUT IT? ON THURSDAY P.M. THIS WEEK, A PECULIAR THING HAPPENED IN MEDFIELD. PLATE GLASS IN STORES, AUTOMOBILE WINDSHIELDS, BOTTLES, CLOCK FACES, GLASS OF EVERY KIND AND DESCRIPTION... BEGAN TO BREAK AND SHATTER IN VARIOUS PORTIONS OF OUR COMMUNITY. THIS IN TURN BROUGHT MENTAL ANGUISH AND SORROW TO THE OWNERS, MORE ESPECIALLY TO THE AULD LANGE SYNE INSURANCE COMPANY, WHICH WAS LEFT HOLDING THE BAG FOR ALL THE DAMAGES. BUT WHAT HAS ALL THIS GOT TO DO WITH ME? AS PRESIDENT OF AULD LANGE SYNE I WAS NATURALLY INTERESTED IN THIS PHENOMENON. SO I MADE UP A KIND OF A WAR MAP OF THE DAMAGED AREAS. AS YOU SEE, THEY FORMED A PATTERN, A SORT OF CONE-SHAPED PATTERN OF DEVASTATION, AS THOUGH SOME UNSEEN FORCE HAD FANNED OUT... FROM ONE BEGINNING POINT, AT A PLACE ON THE CORNER OF MAPLE AND LITCHFIELD. NOW, I MAY BE WRONG, PROFESSOR, BUT ISN'T THAT THE PRECISE POINT ON WHICH I'M STANDING AT THIS VERY MOMENT? THAT'S RIGHT. I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT THE BREAKING GLASS, BUT I HAD NO IDEA I COULD HAVE BEEN RESPONSIBLE. PROFESSOR, I HAVE SUFFERED DAMAGES... AMOUNTING TO TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BECAUSE OF YOU. I COULD HAVE YOU DRAGGED OFF TO JAIL AND LEFT THERE. BUT OUTSIDE OF MAKING ME FEEL GOOD ALL OVER, WHAT WOULD IT GET ME? NO, THE POINT IS, I'M NO SORE AT YOU AT ALL, PROFESSOR. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I TAKE MY HAT OFF TO YOU. YES, SIR, I THINK YOU'VE REALLY GO SOMETHING HERE IN THIS GLASS-BREAKING GIZMO. WHY, IT'S PURE GENIUS. WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE IS BUSY MAKING THINGS, YOU COME UP WITH THE ANSWER. YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT BREAKS THINGS! BUT THAT WASN'T THE IDEA. OKAY, BRAINARD. YOU'VEDONE YOUR PART OF IT. NOW, AS YOUR PARTNER, HERE'S HOW WE GO ABOUT IT. VERY QUIETLY, WE BUY UP A LOT OF GLASS COMPANY STOCK- SLOWLY, SO THA NOBODY CATCHES ON. THEN SUDDENLY, ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, ALL OVER THE WORLD: ZINGO! GLASS BEGINS TO BREAK. WE REPLACE IT WITH NEW GLASS. IT BREAKS. WE'LL CLEAN UP! MR. HAWK, YOU DON' SEEM TO UNDERSTAND. I- HOW ABOUT THAT UNITED NATIONS BUILDING IN NEW YORK? HOW ABOUT ALL THAT GLASS, HUH? AND STAINED GLASS. MAYBE WE COULD ORGANIZE A QUIET LITTLE CORPORATION... THAT DOES NOTHING BUT BREAK CHURCH GLASS. WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER, BRAINARD? YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA FREEZE ME OUT OF THIS THING LIKE YOU DID OUT OF FLUBBER, DO YA? YOUR FRIEND MR. HAWK ISN'T GONNA BE STANDIN'... WITH A BALLOON IN HIS HAND WATCHING THE PARADE GO BY THIS TIME. MR. HAWK, YOU DON' FOR ONE MINUTE THINK... I'D GO ALONG WITH A SCHEME LIKE THAT, DO YOU? WELL, WHAT ARE YOU ACTIN' SO HIGH AND MIGHTY ABOUT? YOU INVENTED THIS, DIDN'T YA? THE GLASS-BREAKING WAS AN UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECT OF MY CLOUD EXPERIMENT. IN TRYING TO REACH THE CLOUD WITH MY WEATHER GUN... THERE MUST HAVE BEEN AN OVERLOAD OF ELECTRONIC EXCITATION, WHICH SET UP AN INHARMONIC SAWTOOTH OSCILLATION AND IMPARTED A TREMOR TO THE GAS. NOW, THIS WAS INTERCEPTED BY THE GLASS, WHICH IS, OF COURSE, AN AMORPHOUS SUPERFLUID IN A TEMPORARY STATE OF RIGIDITY. AND I GUESS THE RESULTING STRAIN WAS JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH. YEAH. LOOK, PROFESSOR, WHY DON' YA JUST SETTLE FOR WHAT YA GOT HERE? WITH THE MONEY FROM THIS THING WE'LL BOTH GET FAT. AND THERE'LL BE ENOUGH LEFT OVER FOR YOU TO TAKE CARE OF THE MEDFIELD PROBLEM. WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, ISN'T IT? SAVE MEDFIELD COLLEGE? THAT KIND OF MONEY WOULD NEVER HELP MEDFIELD COLLEGE OR ANYONE ELSE, MR. HAWK. WELL, YOU KNOW WHA YOU'RE DOING, DON'T YOU? YOU'LL GO TO JAIL FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME! AND BEFORE THIS DAY IS OVER I'LL BE BACK HERE WITH THE SHERIFF, AND WE'LL HAVE THIS PLACE TIED UP TIGHTER THAN FORT KNOX! WITH ALL YOUR WORK AND ALL YOUR EXPERIMENTS! GOOD DAY, MR. HAWK. AND AS FOR MEDFIELD, A YEAR FROM NOW... PEOPLE WILL HAVE FORGOTTEN THERE EVER WAS SUCH A PUNK LITTLE COLLEGE. YOU WANNA BET? OH, HI, POP. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? OUT OF THE WAY, SON. HEY, POP, I JUST THOUGHT I'D MENTION IT. YOU'RE A LITTLE OVERDUE ON MY ALLOWANCE. ALLOWANCE! WHY, I'M JUST LIABLE... TO SEND YOU OFF TO JAIL WITH THIS CRIMINAL HERE, AS A FELLOW CONSPIRATOR, A PARTNER IN CRIME! WHY, IF YOU WEREN'T DEDUCTIBLE, I'D DISOWN YA! WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? COME ON, FELLAS. LET'S GET TO WORK ON THAT FOOTBALL SUIT OF YOURS. PROFESSOR, YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA HELP US? MAYBE THE COLLEGE... WON'T BE HERE NEXT YEAR, BUT WE'RE GOING TO SEE THAT NOBODY EVER FORGETS IT! YAHOO! COME ON, HUMPH! LET'S HUSTLE INTO IT! BUT, BIFF, ABOUT MY IDEA! YOU PROMISED! WILL YOU FORGET ABOUT THAT. THE PROFESSOR'S WITH US NOW! THE FIRST TEAM'S COMIN' INTO THE GAME! WE'RE GONNA HAVE THE SUIT IN NO TIME. BIFF, BIFF. LET'S TAKE IT EASY FOR A MINUTE. NOW, YOUR BASIC IDEA IS FINE. I JUST THINK THERE MIGHT BE A MORE EFFECTIVE WAY OF USING IT. THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL HIM. FORGET THE SUIT. PUT THE FLUBBER GAS IN THE FOOTBALL! BOY, JUST THINK: 70-YARD KICKS, 90-YARD PASSES! HUMPH, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOU CRACKING UP? OUR TEAM CAN'T EVEN HOLD ONTO THE BALL NOW. NOW, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE HOPPED I UP WITH FLUBBER GAS? BIFF IS RIGHT. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO CONTROL THE BALL A ALL TIMES. WE MUST NEVER LOSE POSSESSION OF IT. SO, WE NEVER THROW JUST THE BALL; WE THROW THE PLAYER WITH THE BALL. RIGHT! WE - WE THROW A PLAYER? THAT'S RIGHT. L- LOOK, PROFESSOR, COULDN'T WE PUT THE GAS IN THE FOOTBALL? YOU KNOW, FORGET THE SUIT? HUMPHREY, IT'S JUST SIMPLE LOGIC. WITH THE FLUBBER GAS WE MAKE YOU QUASI-WEIGHTLESS, OR BUOYANT, AND THEN WE THROW YOU WITH THE BALL. YOU DO? YES! DON'T YOU SEETHE BEAUTY OF IT? EVEN IF THEY INTERCEPT, WE STILL HAVE POSSESSION OF THE BALL. RIGHT? RIGHT! RIGHT, HUMPHREY? UH, RIGHT. WELL, GOOD. LET'S GO TO WORK! POOR OLD MEDFIELD! SEE THEM RUN! COME ON, RUTLAND! MOW THEM DOWN! WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE WE ARE IN THE LITTLE COMMUNITY OF MEDFIELD. SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT THEIR FOOTBALL TEAM, AT LEAST THE WEATHER HERE IS GOOD. A CLEAR, CRISP, MOONLIGH NIGHT, NOT A CLOUD IN THE SKY. AS FOR WHAT HAS BEEN OPTIMISTICALLY ADVERTISED AS A FOOTBALL GAME, I'M AFRAID WE CAN' PROMISE YA MUCH. MIGHTY RUTLAND UNIVERSITY- UNTIED, UNSCORED-UPON FOR THE PAST THREE SEASONS, KNOCKING AT THE DOOR OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP- PITTED TONIGH AGAINST PUNY MEDFIELD. OH! HERE COMES RUTLAND ON THE FIELD. THEY'VE CHICKENED OUT, BOTH OF THEM. WAIT'LL I GET MY HANDS ON THOSE TWO! COACH! COACH! I GOT A NOTE FOR YOU. OH, GOOD, GOOD. "DEAR COACH: HUMPHREY AND I WILL BE A LITTLE LATE FOR THE GAME TONIGHT, "SO GO AHEAD WITHOUT US. "WE'RE GETTING A SECRET WEAPON READY. "YOU'LL BE PROUD OF US WHEN YOU SEE WHAT IT IS. BEST WISHES, BIFF HAWK." OH, NO. COACH. STEADY. STEADY. BEST WISHES? BE-BEST WISHES! OH! AND AT FULLBACK POSITION FOR RUTLAND, HJALMAR WOCCSKYINSKA, A 240-POUND HUSKY FROM BROKEN JAW, IDAHO. BACK HOME DURING HIS SUMMER VACATIONS, HJALMAR RUNS A TRAINING SCHOOL FOR PRISON GUARDS. AND THAT COMPLETES THE STARTING LINEUP FOR RUTLAND. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IN LITTLE MEDFIELD'S SHOES... AND SQUARE OFF AGAINST THA ARRAY OF GIANTS, HUH, FRIENDS? OH, HERE COMES MEDFIELD. WELL, HERE COME THE LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER. JEFFREY, I JUST DON' SEE WHY YOU HAD TO COME. YOU KNOW HOW THIS GAME'S GOING TO UPSET YOU. MY DEAR, WHEN A SHIP IS SINKING, THE CAPTAIN REMAINS AT HIS POST. COME ON, MEDFIELD! EAT 'EM ALIVE! SECOND QUARTER, RUTLAND'S BALL. FIRST AND TEN- READY, SET. HUT ONE! HUT TWO! HUT THREE! HUT FOUR! DOWN TO THE 30, THE 20, THE 10, AND OVER FOR ANOTHER RUTLAND TOUCHDOWN. YEAH, THERE GOES ANOTHER ONE. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO BIFF. HE WENT TO GET THAT VULCANIZING KIT OVER AN HOUR AGO. SIR, WE'RE NEVER GONNA GE THIS THING READY IN TIME. I- I-IF YOU'D JUST RECONSIDER MY IDEA- WHAT'S THAT, HUMPHREY? WELL, THIS. THERE'S FLUBBER GAS IN HERE. WHAT'S IT FOR? WELL, SO I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THIS SUIT. INSTEAD, WE GIVE THE GOOD OLE FOOTBALL A SHOT OF GAS, AND THEN - ZZSHHHH! HUMPHREY. HUMPHREY. HUMPHREY. BOY, JUS THINK: 70-YARD PASSES, 80-YARD PUNTS! NINETY-YARD FIELD GOALS! WAIT A MINUTE NOW. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH ALL THAT. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, HUMPHREY? YOU DON'T HAVE A THING TO WORRY ABOUT NOW. WITH THIS NEW VALVE YOU HAVE PERFEC BUOYANCY CONTROL AT ALL TIMES. PROFESSOR! COME ON. WE GOTTA GE OUT OF HERE. WHAT'S WRONG, BIFF? MY FATHER. I WAS JUST OVER AT HIGGINS' SUPER MERCANTILE STORE GETTING THIS VULCANIZING KIT. POP WALKED IN TO GET THE SHERIFF WHO WAS HAVING HIS DINNER THERE, AND I OVERHEARD THEM TALKING. THEN THEY WENT OVER TO JUDGE MURDOCK'S. AND PROFESSOR, THEY'VE GOT A WARRANT FOR YOU, AND THEY'RE COMING OVER HERE TO THROW YOU IN JAIL. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE. WE'LL HAVE TO FIX THE SUIT IN THE LOCKER ROOM. OPEN THE DOORS, BIFF. LOOK OUT! BACK OUT, YOU IDIOT! HE'S GETTING AWAY! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M AFRAID IT'S GOING JUST THE WAY WE PREDICTED. MIGHTY RUTLAND IS SHREDDING THE LITTLE MEDFIELD TEAM TO BITS. AS WE GO INTO THE CLOSING MINUTES OF THE THIRD QUARTER, THE SCORE: RUTLAND 28, MEDFIELD, NOTHING. WELL, HE MUST BE HERE SOMEPLACE. YOU TWO GET THE REST OF THE BOYS AND SPREAD OUT! "AYE, TEAR HER TATTERED ENSIGN DOWN; LONG HAS IT WAVED ON HIGH." LOOK, I DON'T MIND LOSING THE FOOTBALL GAME, PROFESSOR ASHTON, BUT SPARE US YOUR GARBLED QUOTATIONS. AS YOU WILL. YOU'RE NO EXPECTING ANYONE, ARE YOU, BETSY? THANK YOU. SHELBY, WOULDN'T YOU RATHER SIT ON YOUR OWN SIDE OF THE FIELD? YOU'RE WINNING. OH, IT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE, MY DEAR. JUST REMEMBER, THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE A FOOTBALL GAME, YOU'LL SEE IT FROM THE RIGHT SIDE. THE RUTLAND SIDE. PITNEY RETURNS TO TAKE OFF AT THE 21-YARD LINE. TIME OUT FOR MEDFIELD. IT'S A MASSACRE, COACH. YEAH, AIN'T IT A SHAME. WE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT ALONG THE GIRLS' VOLLEYBALL TEAM. WE COULD HAVE SENT THEM IN. OKAY. ANY VOLUNTEERS? HOLD IT, COACH! WE'RE HERE. EVERYTHING'S OKAY, SIR. THE SECRET WEAPON IS PRIMED AND READY TO FIRE. WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, HAWK? AND WHAT'S ALL THIS STATIC ABOUT A SECRET WEAPON? - THIS IS IT, SIR. YOU'RETHE SECRET WEAPON? - YES, SIR. IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR. COME ON, BOY. LET'S MOP UP THE FIELD WITH 'EM. HAWK AND HUMPHREY COMING IN FOR MEDFIELD. MEDFIELD'S BALL, FIRST AND TEN ON THEIR 21-YARD LINE. HUMPH, GIVE IT THE GAS. READY? BREAK! DOWN! HUT! HUT TWO! HIKE! WAY TO GO, HUMPHREY! TOUCHDOWN! COME ON! ALL RIGHT, YOU FIRST STRING, GET BACK IN THERE! AND FORGET YOUR MANNERS! AND THERE GOES THE TRY FOR THE EXTRA POINT. IT'S GOOD. THE SCORE: RUTLAND 37, MEDFIELD 7. I TELL YA, THAT MEDFIELD TOUCHDOWN WAS CERTAINLY A SURPRISE. TO RECAP: HUMPHREY, THE MEDFIELD TAILBACK, RECEIVED THE BALL, THEN HE, UH... UH- GEORGE, WHAT KIND OF PLAY WOULD YOU SAY THAT WAS? UH- RUTLAND RETURNS THE KICKOFF TO MEDFIELD'S 45-YARD LINE. NOW WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. FOR MY MONEY, FOLKS, I THINK LITTLE MEDFIELD'S GONNA BE AWFULLY SORRY... THEY MADE THA ACCIDENTAL TOUCHDOWN. THOSE RUTLAND BOYS ARE LIKE A BUNCH OF HUNGRY TIGERS. READY, SET! HUT ONE! HUT TWO! HUT THREE! HUT FOUR! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ON THAT PLAY, STUPID? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? WHA HAPPENED TO YOU? CLOD! WELL, NOW. LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENED THAT TIME. AS I MAKE IT OUT, RUTLAND HAD JUST STARTED ONE OF ITS FAMOUS RAZZLE-DAZZLE PLAYS, WHEN, UH- UH, DID YOU SEE HOW THA HAPPENED THERE, GEORGE? UH, WELL, IT-IT- OLSON RETURNS THE BALL TO RUTLAND'S 38-YARD LINE. HUT ONE! HUT TWO! HERE HE COMES! CATCH HIM! HUMPHREY KNOCKED OUT OF BOUNDS OVER THE MEDFIELD 49-YARD LINE. UPSY-DAISY! HAVE A GOOD TRIP, HUMPH! OUT! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME! MEDFIELD BALL, FIRST AND TEN. DOWN! HUT ONE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT THERE'S SOMETHIN' CROOKED GOING ON HERE! OKAY. HERE'S A RULE BOOK. YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHIN' WRONG? YOU FIND IT! WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GUESS YOU KNOW BY NOW WE ARE WITNESSING ONE OF THE WILDEST... SLAM-BANG FOOTBALL GAMES EVER PLAYED ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME. TINY MEDFIELD COLLEGE, LED BY CAPTAIN BIFF HAWK... AND A HIGH-STEPPING BACK NAMED HUMPHREY, HAS TURNED A ROUT INTO A BATTLE OF TITANS. AND- OH! THERE'S THE KICKOFF! IT ARCHES THROUGH THE AIR DOWN TO THE RUTLAND 25 - RUTLAND FUMBLES! MEDFIELD'S GOT THE BALL AGAIN. LOOKS LIKE MIGHTY RUTLAND'S BEGINNING TO FEEL THE PRESSURE. MEDFIELD'S BALL, FIRST AND TEN. HUT ONE! HUT TWO! HIKE! THE BALL IS SNAPPED TO HUMPHREY. HE FAKES A HANDOFF TO THE WINGBACK. HUMPHREY STILL HAS THE BALL. NOW HAWK HAS HUMPHREY. RULE SEVEN, SECTION THIRTY- GET OFF THE PLAYIN' FIELD. I GOT MYSELF A FOOTBALL GAME GOIN' ON OUT HERE! WHY, YOU - WAIT A MINUTE, COACH. TAKE IT EASY, HUH? WELL, IT'S A RACE AGAINST TIME NOW. MEDFIELD TRAILS RUTLAND BY NINE POINTS. WITH LESS THAN FOUR MINUTES LEF TO PLAY, THE BIG QUESTION IS: CAN RUTLAND STOP MEDFIELD'S BRILLIANT AERIAL ATTACK? OH, IT LOOKS AS IF RUTLAND MAY HAVE SOMETHING UP THEIR SLEEVE. MEDFIELD BALL, FIRST AND TEN. I- I-I'VE NEVER SEEN 'EM USE THIS KIND OF DEFENSE BEFORE. DOWN! HUT ONE! HUT TWO! HIKE! NOW! WAIT A MINUTE! ARE YOU GONNA LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THAT? WHAT ARE YOU KICKIN' ABOUT? THAT'S A LEGAL TACKLE, AIN'T IT? NOW, REMEMBER, YOU GUYS. THE OLD LADY WITH A TWIST ON TWO. READY? BREAK! THE SAME THING AGAIN. - DOWN! HUT ONE! HIKE! NO! NO! THE OTHER WAY! LOOKS LIKE THE OLD STATUE OF LIBERTY PLAY. RIGHT, GEORGE? MEDFIELD SCORES. THE CLOCK IS TICKING AWAY THE LAST MINUTES OF THE GAME. MEDFIELD TAKES OVER THE BALL AGAIN. - READY? BREAK! YOU LOOK KINDA FLABBY, HUMPH. BETTER GAS UP A LITTLE. DOWN! HUT ONE! HUT TWO! HIKE! B- I-I-I-FF! B- I-I-I-FF! BIFF! BIFF! IT'S HAWK WITH HUMPHREY. HE'S DOWN TO THE 20, THE 15, THE TEN, THE FIVE- HE'S BACK TO THE TEN, THE 15, THE 20- B- I-I-I-FF! - MEDFIELD CALLS TIME OUT. AND THAT LOOKS LIKE THE END OF THE LINE FOR MEDFIELD. THEY'RE BACK ON THEIR OWN TWO YARD LINE WITH EIGHT SECONDS LEFT TO PLAY. THE SCORE: RUTLAND 37, MEDFIELD 35. WELL, HUMPH, I GUESS WE'VE HAD IT. ANYWAY, WE TRIED. WELL, IF YOU'D JUST LET ME USE MY NEEDLE, WE'D HAVE WON EASY. WELL, IT ISN'T DOING US ANY GOOD BACK AT THE LAB. WELL, LIKE I SAID, I NEVER DID TRUST THIS CRUMMY SUIT. HUMPH! THERE MAY BE TIME FOR ONE MORE PLAY. MEDFIELD LINING UP FOR A FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT. THEY'RE GONNA TRY A FIELD GOAL FROM HERE? IT LOOKS AS THOUGH MEDFIELD IS GOING TO ATTEMPT A 98-YARD FIELD GOAL. REPEAT: 98 YARDS. RIDICULOUS. THE POOR LADS MUST BE CRACKING UNDER THE STRAIN. HIKE! TOO BAD. MEDFIELD JUST MADE A FINAL, DESPERATE EFFORT TO- WAIT A MINUTE. IT'S GAINING ALTITUDE. AND THERE GOES THE FINAL GUN AS THE GAME ENDS AND MEDFIELD WINS. TH-THE BALL, THE BALL IS STILL GOING UP... UP... UP... OUT OF THE STADIUM! LA-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I THINK IT'S GOING INTO ORBIT. GEORGE. GEORGE, DID YA SEE THAT? WE WON! WE- OOH! OOH! GET HIM! GET HIM! GET HIM! GET HIM! OH, SHUT UP! WELL, THE TRIAL OF PROFESSOR NED BRAINARD SWUNG INTO ITS THIRD DAY TODAY. AGAINST ADVICE TO THE CONTRARY, PROFESSOR BRAINARD CONTINUED TO ACT AS COUNSEL IN HIS OWN BEHALF. HE WAS QUOTED AS SAYING HE WAS CONFIDENT IN THE DUE PROCESSES OF LAW... DESPITE THE GROWING TIDE OF TESTIMONY AGAINST HIM... AS THE PROSECUTION KEPT A STEADY PARADE OF WITNESSES MOVING THROUGH THE WITNESS BOX. TODAY, THE PROSECUTION UNLIMBERED ITS BIG GUNS AGAINST THE DEFENSE. PROFESSOR BRAINARD, YOU SEEM PROUD OF YOUR JOB AS A TEACHER. DO YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IT MAKES YOU IMPORTANT? WELL, NOT ME PERSONALLY. BUT I BELIEVE THE WORK I DO IS IMPORTANT. IN WHAT WAY? WOULD YOU CARE TO TELL US A LITTLE ABOUT IT? IT GIVES ME THE OPPORTUNITYTO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE,TO STIR THEM UP, TO MAKE THEM RESTLESS, TO MAKE THEM THINK. MAYBE PLANT A BUG OF DISCOVERY IN THEIR MINDS, OR- AND YOU THINK THAT'S IMPORTANT? OF COURSE IT'S IMPORTANT! ONE OF THOSE YOUNG PEOPLE MIGHT DISCOVER SOMETHING THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR. HE MIGHT NOT, BUT I LIKE TO FEEL THAT I HAD A PART IN GIVING HIM A CRACK AT IT. I SEE. NOW, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU ARE FOUND GUILTY OR NOT, I ASK YOU TO CONSIDER THIS QUESTION VERY CAREFULLY: WOULD YOU HOPE TO RETURN TO YOUR CLASSROOM? WOULD YOU CONTINUE AS BEFORE? WOULD YOU RECKLESSLY INCITE THE YOUNG MINDS OF YOUR CLASS AGAIN? TO INSPIRE THEM TO SUCH EXPERIMENTS... AS THAT WHICH BOMBARDED OUR SKIES WITH POWERFUL RAYS? RAYS WHICH EXPOSE ALL OF US TO UNKNOWN PERIL? I PUT THE QUESTION TO YOU AGAIN, PROFESSOR, AND I ASK YOU TO MARK WELL YOUR ANSWER. WOULD YOU STILL PERSIST IN THESE DANGEROUS AND MALICIOUS FOLLIES? WELL, THAT QUESTION IS A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO ANSWER. WELL, PROFESSOR? MR. PROSECUTOR, MAY I SAY SOMETHING? GO AHEAD, PROFESSOR. I'M SURE WE'D ALL BE INTERESTED IN HEARING YOUR VIEWS. LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA CRAWFISH. WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING AROUND THESE DAYS SELLING FEAR. ALL KINDS OF FEAR. FEAR OF BOMBS, BUGS, SMOG, SURPLUSES, FALLOUT, FALLING HAIR, EVEN FEAR OF MR. HAWK. WE FIND OURSELF APOLOGIZING, HIDING OUR HEADS, OR JUMPING AT SHADOWS. I CAN REMEMBER WHEN GROUNDHOG DAY ONLY CAME ONCE A YEAR IN THIS COUNTRY. NOW, I SEE A LOT OF STUDENTS FROM MY SCIENCE CLASS HERE IN THE COURTROOM. THEY MAY NOT BE THE MOST STUDIOUS GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE IN COLLEGE TODAY, BUT I'LL SAY THIS FOR THEM: SO FAR THEY ARE UNAFRAID. THEY HAVE GOOD WILL, ENTHUSIASM, AND AN INFINITE CAPACITY FOR MAKING MISTAKES. I HAVE HIGH HOPES FOR THEM. AM I TO UNDERSTAND, PROFESSOR, YOU ACTUALLY ENCOURAGE MISTAKES IN YOUR CLASS? MR. PROSECUTOR, THE ROAD TO GENIUS IS PAVED WITH FUMBLE-FOOTING AND BUMBLING. ANYONE WHO FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE IS AT LEAST MOVING... IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION: FORWARD. AND THE FELLOW WHO MAKES THE MOST MISTAKES... MAY BE THE ONE WHO WILL SAVE THE NECK OF THE WHOLE WORLD SOMEDAY. NOW, MAY I ASK AGAIN, AND WILL YOU ANSWER CLEARLY... FOR THE BENEFI OF THE COURT AND THE JURY- MOST OF WHOM ARE PARENTS- SUPPOSE YOU ARE RETURNED TO YOUR ROLE AS A TEACHER; WOULD YOU DO EXACTLY AS YOU DID BEFORE? YES. I WOULD DO EXACTLY AS I DID BEFORE. ORDER! ORDER, PLEASE. ORDER! ANOTHER SUCH OUTBURST AND THE BAILIFF WILL CLEAR THE COURT. THAT IS ALL. YOU MAY STEP DOWN. COME ON. LET'S TIE THIS THING UP AND GET OUT OF HERE. ARE YOU SURE? STALL FOR TIME. YOU MAY CALL YOUR FIRST WITNESS. NO WITNESSES, YOUR HONOR. IN THAT CASE, I WILL SUM UP BRIEFLY. SIT DOWN. IS IT TRUE, PROFESSOR, THAT YOU HAVE PROVIDED NO WITNESSES IN YOUR BEHALF? NO I HAVEN'T, YOUR HONOR. - MAY I SUGGEST, PROFESSOR, AS DEFENSE COUNSEL... YOU'RE NOT DOING MUCH IN YOUR OWN BEHALF. I'M A WITNESS FOR THE DEFENSE, YOUR HONOR. - SPLENDID. I OBJECT! I OBJECT TOO! BOTH OBJECTIONS OVERRULED.BUT, YOUR HONOR,THIS IS MOST UNUSUAL PROCEDURE. IT IS ALSO UNUSUAL PROCEDURE FOR THE DEFENSE TO HAVE NO WITNESSES IN HIS OWN BEHALF. SWEAR IN THE WITNESS, PLEASE. I MERELY HOPED TO SAVE THE COURT'S VALUABLE TIME. MY TIME IS YOUR TIME, MR. PROSECUTOR. DO YOU SOLEMNLY SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH? I DO. STATE YOUR NAME. ELIZABETH BRAINARD. WILL THE DEFENSE QUESTION THE WITNESS? - NO, YOUR HONOR. VERY WELL. WILL YOU KINDLY TELL YOUR STORY IN YOUR OWN WORDS? WELL, UH- AS I WAS SAYING, MY NAME IS ELIZABETH BRAINARD, OCCUPATION, HOUSEWIFE. I FIRST MET THE DEFENDANT AT MEDFIELD COLLEGE WHERE I WAS EMPLOYED AS A SECRETARY. HE SCRATCHED MY FENDER IN THE PARKING LO JUST OUTSIDE THE ADMINISTRATION BUILDING, AND I FELL HOPELESSLY IN LOVE. YOUR HONOR, I DON'T SEE WHAT THE TESTIMONY OF THIS WITNESS CAN- SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH. ON OCTOBER 30th OF THIS YEAR I BECAME INVOLVED IN AN ARGUMENT WITH THE DEFENDANT. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T THINK I WAS CUT OUT TO BE A SCIENTIST'S WIFE. WELL, I'D LIKE TO INFORMTHE DEFENDAN AT THIS TIMETHAT I WAS WRONG. WHETHER HE HAPPENSTO BE A SCIENTISTOR AN ARCTIC EXPLORER... OR A HEADHUNTER OR ANYTHING ELSE, I'M CUT OUT TO BE ONLY ONE THING: HIS WIFE. I LOVE HIM. BETSY, DO YOU MEAN THAT? - OF COURSE SHE MEANS IT. THE WITNESS IS UNDER OATH TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. OH, BETSY. - YOUR HONOR, I WOULD LIKE TO INQUIRE, IS THIS A COURT OF LAW OR A LONELY HEARTS CLUB? THE WITNESS HAS BEEN INSTRUCTED TO TELL HER OWN STORY IN HER OWN WAY. PLEASE SIT DOWN. YOUR HONOR, WILL YOU EXCUSE THE WITNESS AT THIS TIME? UH, WILL YOUR HONOR ALSO TELL THE DEFENSE COUNSEL TO PLEASE SIT DOWN? THE DEFENSE COUNSEL IS SO INSTRUCTED. WHY ARE WE LOOKING UP AT THAT CLOCK ALL THE TIME? HOW SHOULD I KNOW? SIT DOWN. WELL, THEN I WEN TO FINNEY'S TO BUY... THIS DARLING MIDNIGHT BLUE DRESS THAT WAS ON SALE. THE DEFENDANT ALWAYS SAID HE LOVED ME IN MIDNIGHT BLUE. YOUR HONOR, WHAT DOES ALL THIS FOOFARAW ABOUT A BLUE DRESS HAVE TO DO WITH THE CASE? UH, MRS. BRAINARD, DOES ALL THIS, UH, FOOFARAW... HAVE ANY BEARING ON THE DISPOSITION OF THE CASE? YOU BET, YOUR HONOR. - I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THE PROSECUTION WILL HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO CROSS-EXAMINE. THAT IS, IF YOU DON'T MIND WASTING THE TIME. GANGWAY! HEY, GANGWAY. GANGWAY, EVERYBODY! GANGWAY! OOH! GANGWAY! EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. UH, BUT, MRS. BRAINARD, PLEASE- PROFESSOR BRAINARD, I DON'T WISH TO PRY, BUT WOULD YOU KINDLY DIVULGE YOUR INTENTIONS? THE COURT IS WAITING. I'M SORRY, YOUR HONOR. MAY I ASK THA THIS WITNESS BE RECALLED TO TESTIFY FOR ME? VERY WELL. - OBJECTION! YOUR HONOR, THE CASE IS READY FOR SUMMATION. MUST WE SUBJECT OURSELVES TO IRRELEVAN TESTIMONY TRUMPED UP BY THE DEFENSE? THE WITNESS IS QUALIFIED. IF I RECALL, HE TESTIFIED IN BEHALF OF THE PROSECUTION TWO DAYS AGO. BUT YOUR HONOR- DO YOU WISH TO CHALLENGE THE INTEGRITY OF YOUR OWN WITNESS? DOWN, DOWN! NOW, SIR, WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE. - OH, YES. I'M A.J. ALLEN. I'M THE COUNTY AGRICULTURAL AGENT, THAT'S WHO I AM. NOW, MR. ALLEN, DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY, YOU TESTIFIED... THAT THE RAYS WITH WHICH I BOMBARDED THE ATMOSPHERE SEEMED TO HAVE... A PECULIAR EFFECT ON THE FLOWERS, CROPS AND VEGETATION OF SO FORTH AROUND HERE. IS THAT RIGHT? OH, YES, YES. I SAID THAT. I CERTAINLY DID. AND YOU WERE VERY UPSET. OH, I WAS EXTREMELY UPSET, YES. SO MUCH SO THAT YOU DECIDED TO INVESTIGATE THE MATTER THOROUGHLY. OH, CERTAINLY. I'M DEDICATED TO MY WORK, YOU KNOW. AND YOU'VE COME HERE TODAY TO MAKE A COMPLETE REPORT ON YOUR FINDINGS. WELL, I DIDN'T COME HERE TO TOAS MARSHMALLOWS, YOU KNOW. NO. NOW, MR. ALLEN- FIRST, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING US ABOUT THE SOIL CONDITIONS HERE IN MEDFIELD COUNTY? WELL, IT'S NO SECRET, GOODNESS KNOWS. MEDFIELD COUNTY HAS THE THINNEST, ROCKIEST, WORE-OUT, FARMED-OUT, POOPED-OUT SOIL IN THE WHOLE STATE; IT'S PITIFUL! I'VE BEEN SO ASHAMED. IT'S NOT MUCH GOOD FOR GROWING THINGS. - GROWING THINGS! PROFESSOR, YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING? WAIT, I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING. WAIT A MINUTE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT POOR THING IS? THAT IS AN EAR OF CORN. THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN GROWING AROUND HERE. DO YOU MIND... WATCHING THAT, YOUR HONOR? GROWING THINGS! MY GOODNESS! THAT'S A RADISH. A RADISH! YOU WOULDN'T GET A RESPECTABLE BURP OUT OF A DOZEN OF 'EM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY MISERABLE, I HAVE A RUTABAGA HERE SOMEPLACE- I KNOW I HAD IT WHEN I LEFT HOME. SOMEBODY PUT- THE RUTABAGA. WHERE'S THE RUTABAGA? IT'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE- UH, TH-THAT'S FINE, MR. ALLEN. THANK YOU. NOW, WOULD YOU TELL US, HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY CHANGE RECENTLY? HAVE I NOTICED ANY CHANGE? WHY, PROFESSOR, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON! ALL OVER MEDFIELD COUNTY THINGS ARE GROWING UP LIKE CRAZY! WHY, EVERYWHERE I LOOK, EVERYTHING IS SUDDENLY ALL FERTILED UP! MR. ALLEN, WOULD YOU SAY IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHAT THE PROSECUTOR... HAS BEEN CALLING "FLUBBER FALLOUT"? OH, I DON' - HE CAN CALL IT ANYTHING HE WANTS. PERSONALLY, PROFESSOR, I THINK THAT YOU'VE INVENTED- OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. YOU MIGHT CALL IT "DRY RAIN." DRY WH? DRY RAIN. I JUST THOUGHT OF I JUST THIS MINUTE. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER HEARD OF DRY RAIN. IS IT ANYTHING LIKE TAKING A DRY BATH, OR GOING FOR A DRY CANOE RIDE? NO, NO. ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE LIKE GUZZLING A DRY MARTINI, YOU KNOW. IT'S VERY STIMULATING. YOU SEE, PROFESSOR BRAINARD'S RAYS MUST HAVE COMBINED... WITH MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF NITROGEN OUT IN THE ATMOSPHERE, SEE? AND IT CAME "SHOOMPING" RIGHT DOWN IN FRONT OF OUR EYES, BUT WE NEVER SAW IT. WHY, FOR ALL WE KNOW, IT MIGHT BE DRY-RAINING RIGHT DOWN IN THIS COURTROOM... THIS VERY MINUTE, FERTILIZING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT! YOU CAN'T TELL, YOU KNOW. DO YOU EXPECT THIS COURT TO BELIEVE ALL THIS MUMBO JUMBO? CAN YOU SUBSTANTIATE IT? OH, MY GOODNESS! I THOUGHT HE'D NEVER ASK ME! BOYS, BRING IN THE SUBSTANTIATION. WILL YOU, PLEASE? YES, SIR! COME ON! BRING IT IN! THAT'S RIGHT, BOYS! JUS PUT IT UP THERE ON THE BENCH! LOOK AT THOSE CARROTS, JUDGE! I TELL YOU, A RABBIT COULDN'T- BOYS! BOYS! ORDER! DON'T PUSH! KEEP IT DIGNIFIED! WELL, DON'T JUST SIT THERE. DO SOMETHING! YOUR WIFE SAYS TO GET HOME RIGHT AWAY. A SUMMER SQUASH JUST ROLLED OFF THE VINE NEXT DOOR AND SMASHED YOUR SPORTS CAR! THE JURORS WILL PLEASE SIT DOWN! ORDER! THANK YOU VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH, JUDGE. YOU SHOULD TRY SOME OF THIS WALNUT. IT'S OFF MY OWN TREE, YOU KNOW. THAT'S A WALNUT? OH, YES, YES. YOUR HONOR, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I LEAVE IT TO YOU- SMART MOVE. CASE DISMISSED. THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT! COME ON, POP. DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD. I'M NOT CRYING, YOU BLASTED NITWIT! IT'S THESE ONIONS! OF COURSE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST SCIENCE, MIND YOU. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M CRAZY ABOUT IT, BU - BETSY. OFFHAND, CAN YOU NAME ONE THING THAT SCIENCE HASN'T IMPROVED UPON, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER? OFFHAND, I, I THINK I CAN. ALL RIGHT. WHAT? I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH THAT.

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