Movie Date: November 9, 1964
Freddy, go and find a cab. Do you want me to catch pneumonia? Don't just stand there, Freddy. Go and find a cab. All right, I'll get one. Look where you're goin', dear. Look where you're goin'! I'm so sorry. Two bunches o' violets trod in the mud. A full day's wages. -Freddy, go and find a cab. -Yes, Mother. He's your son, is he? If you'd done your duty as a mother should... ...you wouldn't let 'im spoil a poor girl's flow'rs and run away without payin'. Go about your business, my girl. And you wouldn't go off without payin', either. Two bunches o' violets trod in the mud. Sir, is there any sign of it stopping? I'm afraid not. It's worse than before. If it's worse, it's a sign it's nearly over. Cheer up, Capt'n, buy a flow'r off a poor girl. I'm sorry, I haven't any change. I can change 'alf a crown. Take this for tuppence. I told you, I'm awfully sorry. Wait a minute. Oh, yes. Here's three ha' pence, if that's any use to you. Thank you, sir. You be careful. Better give 'im a flower for it. There's a bloke here behind that pillar... ...takin' down every blessed word you're sayin'. I ain't done nothin' wrong by speakin' to the gentleman. I've a right to sell flow'rs if I keep off the curb. I'm a respectable girl, so help me. I never spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flow'r off me. -What's the bloomin' noise? -A tec's takin' her down. I'm makin' an honest livin'. Who's doing all that shouting? Sir, don't let 'im charge me. You dunno what it means to me. They'll take away me character and drive me on the streets... ...for speakin' to gentlemen. There, there. Who's hurting you, you silly girl? What'd you take me for? On my Bible oath, I never spoke a word. Shut up! Do I look like a policeman? Why'd ya take down me words? 'Ow do I know you took me down right? You just show me what you wrote ab'ut me. That ain't proper writin'. I can't read it. I can. '"l say, Capt'n, now buy a flow'r off a poor girl.'" Oh, it's cause I called him '"Capt'n.'" I meant no 'arm. Sir, don't let him lay a charge against me for a word like that. I'll make no charge. Really, sir, if you are a detective... ...you needn't protect me against molestation from young women... ...until I ask you. Anyone could tell the girl meant no harm. He ain't no tec. He's a gentleman. Look at his boots. How are all your people down at Selsey? Who told you my people come from Selsey? Never mind, they do. How do you come to be up so far east? You were born in Lisson Grove. What 'arm is there in my leavin' Lisson Grove? It weren't fit for pigs to live. I had to pay four and six a week. Live where you like but stop that noise! Come, come, he can't touch you. You've a right to live where you please. I'm a good girl, I am. -Where do I come from? -Hawkestone. Who said I didn't? Blimey, you know everything, you do. You, sir, do you think you could find me a taxi? Madam, it's stopped raining. You can get a motorbus to Hampton Court. Isn't that where you live? What impertinence! Tell 'im where he comes from, if you wanta go fortune-telling. Cheltenham, Harrow... ...Cambridge and... ...lndia? Quite right. He ain't a tec, he's a bloomin' busybody. Do you do this sort of thing for a living at a music hall? I have thought of it. Perhaps I will one day. He's no gentleman, he ain't, to interfere with a poor girl! How do you do it, may I ask? Simple phonetics. The science of speech. That's my profession. Also my hobby. Anyone can spot an lrishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue... ...but I can place a man within six miles. I can place 'im within two miles in London. Sometimes within two streets. Ought to be ashamed of 'imself, unmanly coward. -Is there a living in that? -Oh, yes. Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl alone. Cease this detestable boohooing instantly... ...or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship! I have a right to be here if I like, same as you! A woman who utters such disgusting, depressing noises... ...has no right to be anywhere, no right to live. Remember, you're a human with a soul... ...and the divine gift of articulate speech. Your native language is the language of Shakespeare and... ...Milton and the Bible. Don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon. '"Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters '"Condemned by every syllable she utters '"By right she should be taken out and hung '"For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue'" Heavens, what a sound! '"This is what the British population '"Calls an elementary education'" Come, sir, I think you've picked a poor example. Did l? '"Hear them down in Soho Square Dropping H's everywhere '"Speaking English any way they like '"Hey, you, sir, did you go to school? '"What ya tike me for, a fool? '"No one taught him 'take' instead of 'tike' '"Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse Hear a Cornishman converse '"l'd rather hear a choir singing flat '"Chickens cackling in a barn Just like this one '"Garn! '"Garn! '"l ask you, sir, what sort of word is that? '"lt's 'aoow' and 'garn' that keep her in her place '"Not her wretched clothes and dirty face '"Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? '"This verbal class distinction by now should be antique '"lf you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do '"Why, you might be selling flowers, too'" I beg your pardon. '"An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies him '"The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him '"One common language I'm afraid we'll never get '"Oh, why can't the English learn to... '"...set a good example to people whose English is painful to your ears '"The Scotch and the lrish leave you close to tears '"There even are places where English completely disappears '"Why, in America they haven't used it for years! '"Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? '"Norwegians learn Norwegian, the Greeks are taught their Greek '"ln France every Frenchman knows his language from 'A' to 'Z' '"The French don't care what they do actually '"As long as they pronounce it properly '"Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning '"The Hebrews learn it backwards which is absolutely frightening '"Use proper English, you're regarded as a freak '"Oh, why can't the English '"Why can't the English learn to speak?'" Thank you. See this creature with her curbstone English... ...that'll keep her in the gutter till the end of her days? In six months I could pass her off as a duchess at an Embassy Ball. I could get her a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant... ...which requires better English. What's that you say? Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf! You disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns! You incarnate insult to the English language! I could pass you off as the Queen of Sheba. You don't believe that, Capt'n? Anything's possible. I, myself, am a student of lndian dialects. Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author of Spoken Sanskrit? I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you? I'm Henry Higgins, author of Higgins' Universal Alphabet. I came from lndia to meet you! I was going to lndia to meet you! -Where are you staying? -At the Carleton. No, you're not. You're staying at A Wimpole Street. You come with me. We'll have a little jaw over supper. Indian dialects have always fascinated me. Buy a flower. I'm short for me lodgin'. Liar! You said you could change half a crown. You ought to be stuffed with nails, you ought! Here, take the whole bloomin' basket for a sixpence! A reminder. -How many are there actually? -How many what? Indian dialects? No fewer than distinct languages are recorded as vernacular in lndia. Shouldn't we stand up, gentlemen? We've got a bloomin' heiress in our midst. Would you be lookin' for a good butler, Eliza? Well, you won't do. '"lt's rather dull in town I think I'll take me to Paris '"The missus wants to open up the castle in Capri '"Me doctor recommends a quiet summer by the sea '"Wouldn't it be loverly?'" Where are ya bound for this year, Eliza? Biarritz? '"All I want is a room somewhere '"Far away from the cold night air '"With one enormous chair '"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly? '"Lots of chocolate for me to eat '"Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat '"Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet '"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly? '"Oh, so loverly sittin' '"Absobloominlutely still '"l would never budge till Spring '"Crept over the winder sill '"Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee '"Warm and tender as he can be '"Who takes good care of me '"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly? '"Loverly '"Loverly '"Loverly '"Loverly '"All I want is a room somewhere '"Far away from the cold night air '"With one enormous chair '"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly? '"Lots of chocolate for me to eat '"Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat '"Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet '"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly? '"Oh, so loverly sittin' '"Absobloominlutely still '"l would never budge till Spring '"Crept over the winder sill '"Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee '"Warm and tender as he can be '"Who takes good care of me '"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly? '"Loverly '"Loverly '"Loverly '"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly? '"Loverly '"Loverly '"Loverly '"Wouldn't it be loverly?'" Come on, Alfie, let's go 'ome now. This place is givin' me the willies. Home? What do you want to go 'ome for? It's nearly : . My daughter Eliza'll be along soon. She ought to be good for 'alf a crown for a father that loves 'er. That's a laugh. You ain't been near 'er for months. What's that got to do with it? What's 'alf a crown after all I've give 'er? When did you ever give 'er anythin'? Anythin'? I give 'er everythin'. I give 'er the greatest gift any human being can give to another: Life! I introduced 'er to this here planet, I did, with all its wonders and marvels. The sun that shines, the moon that glows. Hyde Park to walk through on a fine spring night. The 'ole ruddy city o' London to roam around in sellin' 'er bloomin' flow'rs. I give 'er all that. Then I disappears and leaves 'er on 'er own to enjoy it. If that ain't worth 'alf a crown now and again... ...l'll take my belt off and give 'er what for. You got a good 'eart. But you want a 'alf a crown out o' Eliza... ...you better have a good story. Leave that to me, my boy. -Good mornin', George. -Not a brass farthin'. Not a brass farthin'. There she is. Why, Liza, what a surprise. Hop along, Charlie, you're too old for me. -Don't you know your daughter? -You don't know what she looks like. I know 'er, I know 'er. Come on, I'll find 'er. Eliza, what a surprise. Not a brass farthin'. Hey, you come 'ere, Eliza. I ain't gonna take me 'ard-earned wages... ...and let you pass 'em on to a bloody pubkeeper. You wouldn't send me 'ome to your stepmother... ...without a drop o' liquid protection, would ya? Stepmother, indeed! Well, I'm willin' to marry 'er. It's me that suffers by it. I'm a slave to that woman, Eliza. Just because I ain't 'er lawful 'usband. Come on. Slip your ol' dad just 'alf a crown to go 'ome on. Well, I had a bit o' luck meself last night. But don't keep comin' around countin' on 'alf crowns from me! Thank you, Eliza. You're a noble daughter. '"Beer, beer, glorious beer '"Fill yourself right up'" See this creature with her curbstone English... ...that will keep her in the gutter till the end of her days? In six months, I could pass her off as a duchess at an Embassy Ball. I could get her ajob as a lady's maid or a shop assistant... ...which requires better English. You disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns! I could get her ajob as a lady's maid or a shop assistant... ...which requires better English. How many vowel sounds did you hear altogether? I believe I counted . Wrong by . To be exact you heard . Listen to them one at a time. Must l? I'm really quite done up for one morning. Your name, please? Your name, miss? My name is of no concern to you whatsoever. One moment, please. London is gettin' so dirty these days. I'm Mrs. Pearce, the housekeeper. Can I help you? Good morning, missus. I'd like to see the professor, please. Could you tell me what it's about? It's business of a personal nature. One moment, please. -Mr. Higgins? -What is it, Mrs. Pearce? There's a young woman who wants to see you, sir. A young woman? What does she want? She's quite a common girl, sir. Very common indeed. I should've sent her away, only I thought... ...you wanted her to talk into your machine. -Has she an interesting accent? -Simply ghastly. Good. Let's have her in. Show her in, Mrs. Pearce. This is rather a bit of luck. I'll show you how I make records. We'll set her talking, then I'll take her down first in Bell's Visible Speech... ...then in broad Romic. Then we'll get her on the phonograph... ...so you can turn her on when you want with the written transcript before you. This is the young woman, sir. Good mornin', my good man. Might I 'ave a word with you? Oh, no. This is the girl I jotted down last night. She's no use. I got the records I want of the Lisson Grove lingo. I won't waste another cylinder on that. Be off with you. I don't want you. Don't be so saucy. You ain't 'eard what I come for yet. Did you tell 'im I come in a taxi? Nonsense. Do you think a gentleman like Mr. Higgins cares... ...what you came in? Oh, we are proud. He ain't above givin' lessons, not 'im. I 'eard 'im say so. I ain't come here to ask for any compliment... ...and if my money's not good enough, I can go elsewhere. Good enough for what? Good enough for you. Now you know, don't ya? I'm come to 'ave lessons. And to pay for 'em, too, make no mistake. Well! And what do you expect me to say? Well, if you was a gentleman, you might ask me to sit down, I think. Don't I tell you I'm bringin' you business? Should we ask this baggage to sit down... ...or shall we just throw her out of the window? I won't be called a baggage. Not when I've offered to pay like any lady. What do you want, my girl? I want to be a lady in a flow'r shop... ...'stead of sellin' at the corner of Tottenham Court Road. But they won't take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said 'e could teach me. Well, 'ere I am ready to pay 'im. Not asking any favor and he treats me as if I was dirt. I know what lessons cost as well as you do and I'm ready to pay. How much? Now you're talkin'. I thought you'd come off it for a chance to get back... ...a bit of what you chucked at me last night. You'd had a drop in, 'adn't you? Sit down. -If you're goin' t' make a compliment of it-- -Sit down! Sit down, girl. Do as you're told. What's your name? Eliza Doolittle. Won't you sit down, Miss Doolittle? I don't mind if I do. How much do you propose to pay me for these lessons? Oh, I know what's right. My lady friend gets French lessons for pence an hour... ...from a real French gentleman. You wouldn't have the face to ask me the same... ...for teachin' me my own language as you would for French. I won't give more than a shillin'. Take it or leave it. Do you know, Pickering, if you think of a shilling... ...not as a simple shilling, but as a percentage of this girl's income... ...it works out as fully equivalent of... ... or pounds from a millionaire. By George, it's enormous. It's the biggest offer I ever had. Sixty pounds? What are you talkin' about? Where would I get pounds? -I never offered you pounds! -Hold your tongue! But I ain't got pounds! Don't cry, silly girl. Sit down. Nobody's going to touch your money. Somebody'll touch you with a broomstick if you don't stop sniveling. Sit down! Anybody'd think you was my father! If I decide to teach you, I'll be worse than two fathers to you. Here. What's this for? To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels moist. Remember, that's your handkerchief and that's your sleeve. Don't confuse one with the other, if you want to become a lady in a shop. It's no use to talk to her like that. She doesn't understand you. Give the 'andkerchief to me. He give it to me, not to you! Higgins, I'm interested. What about your boast... ...you could pass her off as a duchess at the Embassy Ball? I'll say you're the greatest teacher alive if you do that. I'll bet you all the expenses of the experiment that you can't do it. I'll even pay for the lessons. You're real good. Thank ye, Capt'n. It's almost irresistible. She's so deliciously low. So horribly dirty. I ain't dirty! I washed my face an' hands before I come, I did. I'll take it. I'll make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe. We'll start today. This moment. Take her away and clean her. Sandpaper, if it won't come off. Is there a fire in the kitchen? Take her clothes off and burn them and order some new ones. Just wrap her in brown paper till they come. You're no gentleman, you're not, to talk o' such things. I'm a good girl, I am. And I know what the likes of you are, I do. We want none of your slum prudery here, young woman. You've got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away, Mrs. Pearce. If she gives you any trouble, wallop her. I'll call the police, I will. I've got no place to put her. Well, put her in the dustbin. Come, Higgins, be reasonable. You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins, you must. You can't walk over everybody like this. I? Walk over everybody? My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I had no intention of walking over anybody. I merely suggested we should be kind to this poor girl. I didn't express myself clearly because I didn't wish to hurt her delicacy... ...or yours. But, sir, you can't take a girl up like that... ...as if you were picking up a pebble on the beach. Why not? Why not? But you don't know anything about her. What about her parents? She may be married. Garn! There. As the girl very properly says, '"garn! '" Who'd marry me? By George, Eliza... ...the streets will be strewn with the bodies of men... ...shooting themselves for your sake before I'm done with you. I'm goin'. He's off his chump, he is. I don't want no balmies teachin' me. Mad? All right, Mrs. Pearce, don't order those new clothes. -Throw her out. -Stop! I won't allow it. Go home to your parents, girl. I ain't got no parents. She ain't got no parents. What's the fuss? Nobody wants her. She's no use to anyone but me. Take her upstairs! What's to become of her? ls she to be paid anything? Do be sensible, sir. What'd she do with money? She'll have food and clothes. She'll drink if you give her money. You are a brute! It's a lie! Nobody ever saw the sign o' liquor on me. Sir, you're a gentleman. Don't let 'im speak to me like that! Does it occur to you, Higgins, the girl has some feelings? No, I don't think so. No feelings we need worry about. Well, have you, Eliza? I got me feelings same as anyone else. Mr. Higgins, I must know on what terms the girl is to be here. What'll become of her when you've finished teaching? You must look ahead a little, sir. What'll become of her if we leave her in the gutter, Mrs. Pearce? That's her own business, not yours, Mr. Higgins. When I'm done, we'll throw her back. Then it'll be her own business again. That'll be all right, won't it? You've no feelin' 'eart in ya! You don't care for nothin' but yourself. I've 'ad enough of this. I'm goin'! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Have some chocolates, Eliza. 'Ow do I know what might be in 'em? I've 'eard of girls bein' drugged by the likes o' you. Pledge of good faith. I'll take one half. And you take the other. You'll have boxes of them, barrels of them every day. You'll live on them, eh? I wouldn't 've ate it, only I'm too ladylike to take it out o' me mouth. Think of it, Eliza. Think of chocolates, and taxis... ...and gold and diamonds. I don't want no gold and no diamonds. I'm a good girl, I am. Higgins, I really must interfere. Mrs. Pearce is quite right. If this girl will put herself in your hands for six months... ...for an experiment in teaching, she must understand thoroughly what she's doing. You are to stay here for the next six months... ...learning how to speak beautifully like a lady in a florist shop. If you're good and do what you're told, you'll sleep in a proper bedroom... ...have lots to eat, money to buy chocolates and take rides in taxis. But if you are naughty and idle... ...you'll sleep in the kitchen amongst the black beetles... ...and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months, you shall be taken to Buckingham Palace... ...in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the king finds out that you are not a lady... ...the police will take you to the Tower of London where your head will be cut off... ...as a warning to other presumptuous flower girls. But if you are not found out, you shall have a present of... ...seven and six to start life with as a lady in a shop. If you refuse this offer... ...you will be the most ungrateful, wicked girl... ...and the angels will weep for you! Are you satisfied, Pickering? I don't understand what you're talking about. Could I put it more plainly or fairly, Mrs. Pearce? Come with me. That's right. Bundle her off to the bathroom. You're a great bully, you are! I won't stay here if I don't like it. I won't let nobody wallop me! Don't answer back, girl. I've always been a good girl, I 'ave. In six months...in three, if she has a good ear and a quick tongue... ...l'll take her anywhere and I'll pass her off as anything. I'll make a queen of that barbarous wretch! I've never had a bath in me life. Not what you'd call a proper one. You know you can't be a nice girl inside if you're dirty outside. I'll have to put you in here. This will be your bedroom. I couldn't sleep in here, missus. It's too good for the likes o' me. I should be afraid to touch anythin'. I ain't a duchess yet, you know. What's this? This where you wash clothes? This is where we wash ourselves, Eliza. And where I'm going to wash you. You expect me to get into that and wet meself all over? Not me! I shall catch me death. Come along now. Come along. Take your clothes off. Come on, girl, do as you're told. Take your clothes off. Here, come on. Help me take these-- Take your hands off me! I'm a good girl, I am! It ain't right! It ain't decent! Get your hands off me! I'm a good girl, I am! Forgive the bluntness, but if I'm to be in this business... ...l shall feel responsible for the girl. I hope it's clearly understood that no advantage is to be taken of her position. What, that thing? Sacred, I assure you. Come now, you know what I mean. This is no trifling matter. Are you a man of good character where women are concerned? Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? Yes, very frequently. I haven't. The moment I let a woman make friends with me... ...she becomes jealous, exacting... ...suspicious and a damned nuisance. The moment that I make friends with a woman I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor and likely to remain so. Well, after all, Pickering.... '"l'm an ordinary man '"Who desires nothing more '"Than just an ordinary chance '"To live exactly as he likes '"And do precisely what he wants '"An average man, am I '"Of no eccentric whim '"Who likes to live his life '"Free of strife '"Doing whatever he thinks is best for him '"Oh, just an ordinary man '"But let a woman in your life '"And your serenity is through '"She'll redecorate your home From the cellar to the dome '"Then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you! '"Let a woman in your life '"And you are up against a wall '"Make a plan and you will find She has something else in mind '"So rather than do either You do something else that neither '"Likes at all! '"You want to talk of Keats or Milton '"She only wants to talk of love '"You go to see a play or ballet '"And spend it searching for her glove '"Let a woman in your life '"And you invite eternal strife '"Let them buy their wedding bands '"For those anxious little hands '"l'd be equally as willing For a dentist to be drilling '"Than to ever let a woman in my life! '"l'm a very gentle man '"Even-tempered and good-natured Whom you never hear complain '"Who has the milk of human kindness By the quart in every vein '"A patient man am I Down to my fingertips '"The sort who never could Ever would '"Let an insulting remark escape his lips '"A very gentle man '"But let a woman in your life '"And patience hasn't got a chance '"She will beg you for advice Your reply will be concise '"And she'll listen very nicely '"Then go out and do precisely What she wants! '"You were a man of grace and polish '"Who never spoke above a hush '"Now all at once you're using language '"That would make a sailor blush '"Let a woman in your life '"And you're plunging in a knife! '"Let the others of my sex '"Tie the knot around their necks '"l'd prefer a new edition Of the Spanish lnquisition '"Than to ever let a woman in my life '"l'm a quiet-living man '"Who prefers to spend the evenings '"ln the silence of his room '"Who likes an atmosphere as restful '"As an undiscovered tomb '"A pensive man am I Of philosophic joys '"Who likes to meditate, contemplate '"Free from humanity's mad, inhuman noise '"A quiet-living man '"But let a woman in your life '"And your sabbatical is through '"ln a line that never ends Come an army of her friends '"Come to jabber and to chatter And to tell her '"What the matter is with you! '"She'll have a booming, boisterous family '"Who will descend on you en masse '"She'll have a large, Wagnerian mother '"With a voice that shatters glass! '"Let a woman in your life '"l shall never let a woman... '"...in my life! '" Get out of 'ere. Jamie, you get out, too! Come on, Doolittle. And remember, drinks is to be paid for or not drunk. Thanks for your 'ospitality, George. Send the bill to Buckingham Palace. Well, Alfie, there's nothin' else to do. I guess it's back to work. Work! Don't you dare mention that word in my presence again. Look at all these poor blighters down here. I used to do that sort of thing once. Just for exercise. It's not worth it. Takes up your whole day. Don't worry, boys. We'll get outta this somehow. How do you think you'll do that? How? Same as always. Faith, hope and a little bit o' luck. '"The Lord above gave man an arm of iron '"So he could do his job and never shirk '"The Lord above gave man an arm of iron, but '"With a little bit o' luck With a little bit o' luck '"Someone else'll do the blinkin' work! '"With a little bit '"With a little bit '"With a little bit o' luck You'll never work '"The Lord above made liquor for temptation '"To see if man could turn away from sin '"The Lord above made liquor for temptation, but '"With a little bit o' luck With a little bit o' luck '"When temptation comes you'll give right in. '"With a little bit '"With a little bit '"With a little bit o' luck You'll give right in. '"Oh, you can walk the straight and narrow '"But with a little bit o' luck you'll run amuck! '"The gentle sex was made for man to marry '"To share his nest and see his food is cooked '"The gentle sex was made for man to marry, but '"With a little bit o' luck With a little bit o' luck '"You can have it all and not get hooked. '"With a little bit '"With a little bit '"With a little bit o' luck You won't get hooked '"With a little bit '"With a little bit '"With a little bit o' bloomin' luck! '"They're always throwing goodness at you '"But with a little bit o' luck a man can duck '"The Lord above made man to 'elp his neighbor '"No matter where on land, or sea, or foam '"The Lord above made man to 'elp his neighbor, but '"With a little bit o' luck With a little bit o' luck '"When he comes around you won't be home'" You'd make a good suffragette, Alfie. Why, there's the lucky man now. The Honorable Alfie Doolittle. What are you doing in Eliza's house? Her former residence! You can buy your own drinks now, Alfie Doolittle. Fallen into a tub of butter, you have. What are you talkin' about? Your daughter, Eliza. You're a lucky man, Alfie Doolittle. What about Eliza? He don't know. Her own father an' he don't know. Moved in with a swell, Eliza has. Left here in a taxi all by herself, smart as paint. An' ain't been home for three days. Go on. And this mornin' I gets a message from 'er. She wants her things sent over... ...to A Wimpole Street... ...care of Professor Higgins. An' what things does she want? Her birdcage and her Chinese fan. But she says: '"Never mind about sending any clothes.'" I knew she had a career in front of 'er. We're in for a booze-up. The sun is shining on Alfred P. Doolittle. '"A man was made to 'elp support his children '"Which is the right and proper thing to do '"A man was made to 'elp support his children, but '"With a little bit o' luck With a little bit o' luck '"They'll go out and start supportin' you '"With a little bit '"With a little bit '"With a little bit o' luck they'll work for you '"With a little bit '"With a little bit '"With a little bit o' bloomin' luck! '"lt's a crime for a man to go philanderin' '"And fill his wife's poor 'eart with grief and doubt '"lt's a crime for a man to go philanderin', but '"With a little bit o' luck With a little bit o' luck '"You can see the bloodhounds don't find out! '"With a little bit '"With a little bit '"With a little bit o' luck She won't find out! '"With a little bit o' bloomin' luck! '" The mail, sir. Pay the bills and say no to the invitations. You simply cannot go on working the girl this way. Making her say her alphabet over and over... ...from sunup to sundown, even during meals. You'll exhaust yourself. When will it stop? When she does it properly, of course. Is that all, Mrs. Pearce? There's another letter from the American millionaire, Ezra D. Wallingford. He still wants you for his Moral Reform League. Throw it away. It's the third letter he's written you. You should at least answer it. All right, leave it on the desk, Mrs. Pearce. I'll try and get to it. If you please, sir. There's a dustman downstairs, Alfred P. Doolittle... ...who wants to see you. He says you have his daughter here. I say! Well, send the blackguard up. He may not be a blackguard, Higgins. Nonsense. Of course he's a blackguard, Pickering. I'm afraid we'll have some trouble with him. No, I think not. Any trouble to be had, he'll have it with me. Not I with him. Doolittle, sir. -Professor Higgins? -Here! Where? Good morning, Governor. I come about a very serious matter, Governor. Brought up in Houndslow. Mother Welsh, I should think. What is it you want, Doolittle? I want my daughter, that's what I want. See? Of course you do. You're her father, aren't you? I'm glad to see you have a spark of family feeling left. She's in there. Yes, take her away at once. What? Take her away. Do you think I am going to keep your daughter for you? Now, is this reasonable, Governor? Is it fairity to take advantage of a man like that? The girl belongs to me. You got 'er. Where do I come in? How dare you come here and attempt to blackmail me! You sent her here on purpose! Don't take a man up like that, Governor. The police shall take you up. This is a plan... ...a plot to extort money by threats. I shall telephone the police. Have I asked you for a brass farthin'? I leave it to this gentleman 'ere. Have I said a word about money? Well, what else did you come for? What would a bloke come for? Be 'uman, Governor. Alfred, you sent her here on purpose. So help me, Governor, I never did. How did you know she was here? I'd tell you, Governor, if you'd let me get a word in. I'm willing to tell ya. I'm wanting to tell ya. I'm waiting to tell ya! You know, Pickering, this chap's got a certain natural gift of rhetoric. Observe the rhythm of his native woodnotes wild. '"l'm willing to tell you. I'm wanting to tell you. I'm waiting to tell you.'" That's the Welsh strain in 'im. How did you know Eliza was here if you didn't send 'er? Well, she sent back for her luggage and I got to 'ear about it. She said she didn't want no clothes. What was I to think from that, Governor? I ask you, as a parent, what was I to think? So you came here to rescue her from worse than death, eh? -Yes, sir, Governor. That's right. -Yes. Mrs. Pearce! Eliza's father has come to take her away. Give her to him, will you? Now wait a minute, Governor. Wait a minute. You and me is men o' the world, ain't we? Men of the world, are we? Perhaps you'd better go, Mrs. Pearce. I think so indeed, sir! Here, Governor. I've took a sort of a fancy to you and... ...if you want the girl, I ain't so set on 'avin' her home again... ...but what I might be open to is an arrangement. All I ask is my rights as a father. You're the last man alive to expect me to let her go for nothing. I can see you're a straight sort, Governor. So... ...what's a five pound note to you? An' what's Eliza to me? I think you should know, Doolittle... ...that Mr. Higgins' intentions are entirely honorable. Of course they are, Governor. If I thought they wasn't, I'd ask . You mean, you'd sell your daughter for pounds? Have you no morals, man? No, I can't afford 'em, Governor. Neither could you if you was as poor as me. Not that I mean any 'arm, but... ...if Eliza is gonna have a bit out o' this, why not me, too? Why not? Look at it my way. What am l? I ask ya, what am l? I'm one o' the undeserving poor, that's what I am. Think what that means to a man. It means he's up against middle-class morality for all the time. If there's anything goin' an' I ask for a bit of it, it's always the same story: '"You're undeservin', so you can't have it.'" But my needs is as great as the most deservin' widows that ever got money... ...out of six different charities in one week for the death o' the same 'usband. I don't need less than a deservin' man, I need more. I don't eat less 'earty than he does and I drink... ...a lot more. I'm playin' straight with you. I ain't pretendin' to be deservin'. No, I'm undeservin'... ...and I mean to go on bein' undeservin'. I like it an' that's the truth. But will you take advantage of a man's nature... ...do him out of the price of his own daughter, what he's brought up... ...fed and clothed by the sweat of his brow... ...till she's growed big enough to be interestin' to you two gentlemen? Is five pounds unreasonable, I put it to you? And I leave it to you. You know, Pickering, if we took this man in hand for three months... ...he could choose between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales. -We'd better give 'im a fiver. -He'll make bad use of it, I'm afraid. Not me, Governor, so 'elp me I won't. Just one good spree for meself an' the missus... ...givin' pleasure to ourselves and employment to others. An' satisfaction to you to know it ain't been throwed away. You couldn't spend it better. This is irresistible. Let's give 'im ten. The missus wouldn't have the 'eart to spend ten. Ten pounds is a lot o' money. Makes a man feel prudent-like, and then goodbye to 'appiness. No, you just give me what I ask, Governor. Not a penny less, not a penny more. I rather draw the line at encouraging this sort of immorality. Why don't you marry that missus of yours? After all, marriage isn't so frightening. You married Eliza's mother. Who told you that, Governor? Well, nobody told me. I concluded, naturally.... If we listen to this man for another minute we'll have no convictions left. -Five pounds, I think you said. -Thank you, Governor. Are you sure you won't have ten? No. No, perhaps another time. I beg your pardon, miss. I won't say those ruddy vowels one more time. Blimey, it's Eliza. I never thought she'd clean up so good-looking. She does me credit, don't she? What are you doin' here? Now, you hold your tongue and don't you give these gentlemen none o' your lip. If you have any trouble with 'er, give 'er a few licks o' the strap. That's the way to improve 'er mind. Well, good morning, gentlemen. Cheerio, Eliza. There's a man for you. A philosophical genius of the first water. Write to Mr. Ezra Wallingford and tell him... ...if he wants a lecturer, to get in touch with Mr. Doolittle... ...a common dustman, one of the most original moralists in England. What did he come for? Say your vowels. I know me vowels. I knew 'em before I come. If you know them, say them. Ahyee, e, iyee, ow, you. A, E, l, O, U. That's what I said. Ahyee, e, iyee, ow, you. That's what I've said for three days an' I won't no more. I know it's difficult, Miss Doolittle, but try to understand. There's no use explaining. As a military man you should know that. Drilling is what she needs. Leave her alone or she'll turn to you for sympathy. Very well, if you insist, but have a little patience with her. Of course. Say '"A.'" You ain't got no 'eart, you ain't. I promise you, you'll say your vowels correctly before this day is out... ...or there'll be no lunch, no dinner, and no chocolates. '"Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins Just you wait '"You'll be sorry But your tears will be too late '"You'll be broke and I'll have money Will I help you? Don't be funny! '"Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins Just you wait '"Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins Till you're sick '"And you screams To fetch a doctor double-quick '"l'll be off a second later And go straight to the theater '"Ho, ho, ho, 'Enry 'lggins Just you wait! '"Just you wait Until we're swimmin' in the sea '"And you get the cramp a little ways from me '"When you yell you're gonna drown I'll get dressed and go to town '"Just you wait! '"One day I'll be famous I'll be proper and prim '"Go to St. James so often I will call it St. Jim '"One evening the king will say 'Oh, Liza, old thing '"'l want all of England your praises to sing '"'Next week on the th of May '"'l proclaim Liza Doolittle Day '"'All the people will celebrate the glory of you '"'And whatever you wish and want I gladly will do' '"'Thanks a lot, King,' says I in a manner well-bred '"'But all I want is 'Enry 'lggins' 'ead' '"'Done!' '"Says the king with a stroke '"'Guard, run and bring in the bloke' '"Then they'll march you, 'Enry 'lggins, to the wall '"And the king will tell me: '"'Liza, sound the call' '"As they raise their rifles higher '"l'll shout: 'Ready, aim, fire!' '"Ho, ho, ho, 'Enry 'lggins, down you go '"Just you wait! '" All right, Eliza, say it again. '"The rine in Spine... '"...stais minely in the pline.'" '"The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.'" Didn't I saiy that? No, Eliza, you didn't '"saiy'" that. You didn't even '"say'" that. Every night before you go to bed, where you used to say your prayers... ...l want you to say: '"The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.'" Fifty times. You'll get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend His ears. Now for your '"H's.'" Pickering, this is going to be ghastly. Control yourself, Higgins. Give the girl a chance. I suppose you can't expect her to get it right the first time. Come here, Eliza, and watch closely. Now, you see that flame? Every time you pronounce the letter '"H'" correctly the flame will waver... ...and every time you drop your '"H'" the flame will remain stationary. That's how to know you've done it correctly. In time, your ear will hear the difference. You'll see it better in the mirror. Now listen carefully. '"ln Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire... '"...hurricanes hardly ever happen.'" Now you repeat that after me. '"ln Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.'" '"ln 'artford, 'ereford and 'ampshire 'urricanes 'ardly hever 'appen.'" Oh, no, no! Have you no ear at all? -Should I do it over? -No, please. Start from the very beginning. Just do this. Go on, go on. Does the same thing hold true in lndia? Have they the peculiar habit of not only dropping a letter... ...but using it where it doesn't belong, like '"hever'" instead of '"ever'"? The girl, Higgins! Go on. Go on. ''Poor Professor Higgins ''Poor Professor Higgins '"Night and day he slaves away '"Oh, poor Professor Higgins '"All day long on his feet '"Up and down until he's numb '"Doesn't rest, doesn't eat '"Doesn't touch a crumb'" Again, Eliza. How kind of you to let me come. How kind of you to let me come. No. '"Kind of you.'" How kind of you to let me come. How kind of you to let me come. Kind of you. It's like '"cup of tea.'" Kind of you. Cup of tea. Say, '"cup of tea.'" Cuppatea. No. '"A cup of tea.'" It's awfully good cake. I wonder where Mrs. Pearce gets it. First rate. And those strawberry tarts are delicious. Did you try the pline cake? Try it again. -Did you try the-- -Pickering! Again, Eliza. Cuppatea. Oh, no. Can't you hear the difference? Look, put your tongue forward until it squeezes on the top of your lower teeth. And then say '"cup.'" Then say '"of.'" Then say '"cup, cup, cup, cup, of, of, of, of.'" By Jove, Higgins, that was a glorious tea. You finish the last strawberry tart. I couldn't eat another thing. -I couldn't touch it. -Shame to waste it. Oh, it won't be wasted. I know somebody who's immensely fond of strawberry tarts. ''Poor Professor Higgins '"Poor Professor Higgins '"On he plods against all odds '"Oh, poor Professor Higgins '"Nine p.m., ten p.m. '"On through midnight every night '"One a.m., two a.m., three....'" Four. Five. Six marbles. I want you to read this and I want you to enunciate... ...every word just as if the marbles were not in your mouth. '"With blackest moss, the flower pots... '"...were thickly crusted, one and all.'" Each word, clear as a bell. '"With blackest moss the flower... '"...pots.'" I can't! I can't! I say, Higgins, are those pebbles really necessary? If they were necessary for Demosthenes they are necessary for Eliza Doolittle. Go on, Eliza. '"With the blackest moss the flower pots... '"...were thickly crusted one and--'" I can't understand a word, not a word. '"With blackest moss, the flower pots... '"...were thickly crusted, one and all.'" Perhaps the poem is a little too difficult for the girl. Why don't you try something simpler, like The Owl and the Pussycat? Yes, that's a charming one. Pickering, I can't hear a word the girl is saying! What's the matter? I swallowed one. It doesn't matter. I've got plenty more. Open your mouth. One, two.... ''Quit, Professor Higgins '"Quit, Professor Higgins '"Hear our plea, or payday we will quit '"Professor Higgins! '"'Ay' not 'l', 'O' not 'ow' '"Pounding, pounding in our brain '"'Ay' not 'l', 'O' not 'ow' '"Don't say 'rine' say 'rain''" '"The rain in Spain... '"...stays mainly in the plain.'" I can't! I'm so tired! I'm so tired. For God's sake, Higgins, it must be : in the morning. Do be reasonable. I am always reasonable. Eliza, if I can go on with a blistering headache, you can. I got a 'eadache, too. I know your head aches. I know you're tired. I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window. But think what you're trying to accomplish. Just think what you're dealing with. The majesty and grandeur of the English language.... It's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men... ...are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative... ...and musical mixtures of sounds. And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer, Eliza. And conquer it you will. Now try it again. '"The rain in Spain... '"...stays mainly in the plain.'" What was that? '"The rain in Spain... '"...stays mainly in the plain.'" Again. '"The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.'" I think she's got it. '"The rain in Spain Stays mainly in the plain '"By George, she's got it By George, she's got it '"Now once again Where does it rain? '"On the plain, on the plain '"And where's that soggy plain? '"ln Spain, in Spain '"The rain in Spain Stays mainly in the plain '"The rain in Spain Stays mainly in the plain '"ln Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire '"Hurricanes hardly happen '"How kind of you to let me come '"Now once again Where does it rain? '"On the plain, on the plain '"And where's that blasted plain? '"ln Spain, in Spain '"The rain in Spain Stays mainly in the plain'" We're making fine progress, Pickering. I think the time has come to try her out. Are you feeling all right, Mr. Higgins? Yes, I'm feeling fine. How are you? -Very well, thank you. -Good. Let's test her in public and see how she fares. Mr. Higgins, I was awakened by a dreadful pounding. Do you know what it might have been? I didn't hear any pounding. Did you, Pickering? If this goes on, you'd better see a doctor. -I know. We'll take her to the races. -The races? My mother's box at Ascot. -You'll consult your mother first, of course. -Yes, of course. No, I think we'd better surprise her. Now let's go to bed. First thing in the morning, we'll go and buy her a dress. Now get on with your work, Eliza. But, Mr. Higgins, it's early in the morning. What better time to work than early in the morning? Where does one buy a lady's gown? Whitely's, of course. How do you know that? Common knowledge. Let's not buy her anything too flowery. I despise those gowns with weeds here and weeds there. We'll buy something simple and modest... ...and elegant. That's what's called for. Perhaps with a bow. Yes. That's just right. You've all been working too hard. I think the strain is beginning to show. Eliza, I don't care what Mr. Higgins says. You must put down your books and go to bed. '"Bed! Bed! I couldn't go to bed '"My head's too light to try to set it down '"Sleep! Sleep! I couldn't sleep tonight '"Not for all the jewels in the crown! '"l could have danced all night '"l could have danced all night '"And still have begged for more '"l could have spread my wings '"And done a thousand things '"l've never done before '"l'll never know what made it so exciting '"Why all at once my heart took flight '"l only know when he '"Began to dance with me '"l could have danced, danced, danced... '"...all night! '" It's after three now. Don't you agree now? She ought to be in bed! '"l could have danced all night '"l could have danced all night '"And still have begged for more '"l could have spread my wings '"And done a thousand things '"l've never done before '"l'll never know what made it so exciting '"Why all at once my heart took flight '"l only know when he '"Began to dance with me '"l could have danced, danced, danced... '"...all night! '" It's all been grand, dear. But now it's time to sleep! '"l could have danced all night '"l could have danced all night '"And still have begged for more '"l could have spread my wings '"And done a thousand things '"l've never done before '"l'll never know what made it so exciting '"Why all at once my heart took flight '"l only know when he '"Began to dance with me '"l could have danced, danced, danced... '"...all night! '" '"Every duke and earl and peer is here '"Everyone who should be here is here '"What a smashing, positively dashing '"Spectacle, the Ascot opening day '"At the gate are all the horses '"Waiting for the cue to fly away '"What a gripping, absolutely ripping '"Moment at the Ascot opening day '"Pulses rushing '"Faces flushing '"Heartbeats speed up '"l have never been so keyed up! '"Any second now '"They'll begin to run '"Hark! A bell is ringing '"They are springing forward. Look! '"lt has begun '"What a frenzied moment that was '"Didn't they maintain an exhausting pace? '"lt was a thrilling, absolutely chilling '"Running of the Ascot opening race! '" A phonetics job. I've picked up a girl. Not a love affair. She's a flower girl. I'm taking her to the annual Embassy Ball but I wanted to try her out first. -I beg your pardon? -Well, you know the Embassy Ball. So I invited her to your box today, do you understand? Common flower girl? I taught her how to speak properly. She has strict instructions as to her behavior. She's to keep to two subjects: the weather and everybody's health. '"Fine day! '" and '"How do you do?'" Not let herself go on. Help her along. You'll be quite safe. Safe? To talk about one's health in the middle of a race? She's got to talk about something. Where is the girl now? She's being pinned. Some of the clothes we bought her didn't fit. I told Pickering we should have taken her with us. -Mrs. Eynsford-Hill. -Good afternoon, Mrs. Higgins. You know my son, Henry. How do you do? -I've seen you somewhere before. -I don't know. It doesn't matter. You better sit down. Where the devil can they be? Colonel Pickering, you're just in time for tea. Thank you, Mrs. Higgins. May I introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle? My dear Miss Doolittle. How kind of you to let me come. Delighted, my dear. -Lady Boxington. -How do you do? -Lord Boxington. -How do you do? How do you do? -Mrs. Eynsford-Hill, Miss Doolittle. -How do you do? How do you do? And Freddy Eynsford-Hill. How do you do? How do you do? Miss Doolittle. Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. The first race was very exciting, Miss Doolittle. I'm so sorry that you missed it. Will it rain, do you think? '"The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.'" '"But in Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.'" How awfully funny. What is wrong with that, young man? I bet I got it right. Smashing. Has it suddenly turned chilly? I do hope we won't have any unseasonable cold spells. They bring on so much influenza. And the whole of our family is susceptible to it. My aunt died of influenza, so they said. But it's my belief they done the old woman in. Done her in? Yes, Lord love you. Why should she die of influenza... ...when she'd come through diphtheria right enough the year before. Fairly blue with it she was. They all thought she was dead. But my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat. Then she come to so sudden she bit the bowl off the spoon. Dear me! Now what call would a woman with that strength in her... ...have to die of influenza? And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it. And what I say is: Them 'as pinched it, done her in. Done her in? '"Done her in,'" did you say? Whatever does it mean? That's the new small talk. '"To do somebody in'" means to kill them. But you surely don't believe your aunt was killed? Do I not? Them she lived with would have killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat. But it can't have been right for your father... ...to pour spirits down her throat like that. It might have killed her. Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her. Besides, he poured so much down his own throat he knew the good of it. Do you mean that he drank? Drank? My word. Something chronic. Here, what are you sniggering at? The new small talk. You do it so awfully well. Well, if I was doing it proper, what was you sniggering at? Have I said anything I oughtn't? Not at all, my dear. Well, that's a mercy anyhow. I don't know if there's time before the next race to place a bet... ...but come, my dear. I have a bet on number seven. I should be so happy if you would take it. You'll enjoy the race ever so much more. That's very kind of you. His name is Dover. Come along. '"There they are again '"Lining up to run '"Now they're holding steady '"They are ready for it. Look! '"lt has begun'" Come on. Come on, Dover. Come on. Come on, Dover! Come on! Come on, Dover! Move your bloomin' arse! Oh, my dear. You're not serious, Henry. You don't expect to take her to the Embassy Ball. Don't you think she's ready for it? Dear Henry, she's ready for a canal barge. Her language may need a little refining, but-- Really, Henry, if you cannot see how impossible this whole project is... ...then you must be potty about her. I advise you to give up and not put yourself... ...or this poor girl through any more. It's the most fascinating venture I've ever undertaken. Pickering and I are at it from morning till night. It fills our whole lives. Teaching Eliza, talking to Eliza, listening to Eliza, dressing Eliza. You're a pretty pair of babies playing with your live doll. Here's the car. Good evening, sir. -Is dinner ready? I'm famished. -Immediately, sir. Good evening, Professor Higgins. '"When she mentioned how her aunt bit off the spoon '"She completely done me in '"And my heart went on a journey to the moon '"When she told about her father and the gin '"And I never saw a more enchanting farce '"Than the moment when she shouted 'Move your bloomin'--''" -Yes, sir? -Is Miss Doolittle in? Whom shall I say is calling? Freddy Eynsford-Hill. If she doesn't remember who I am... ...tell her I'm the chap who was '"sniggering'" at her. Yes, sir. And will you give her these? Wouldn't you like to come in? They're having dinner, but you may wait in the hall. No, thank you. I want to drink in the street where she lives. '"l have often walked down this street before '"But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before '"All at once am I several stories high '"Knowing I'm on the street where you live '"Are there lilac trees in the heart of town? '"Can you hear a lark in any other part of town? '"Does enchantment pour out of every door? '"No, it's just on the street where you live '"And, oh, the towering feeling '"Just to know somehow you are near '"The overpowering feeling '"That any second you may suddenly appear '"People stop and stare, they don't bother me '"For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be '"Let the time go by '"l won't care if I '"Can be here on the street where you live'" I'm terribly sorry, sir. Miss Doolittle says she doesn't want to see anyone ever again. But why? She was unbelievable. So I've been told, sir. Is there any further message? Tell her that I'll wait. But it might be days, sir, even weeks. But don't you see? I'll be happier here. '"People stop and stare, they don't bother me '"For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be '"Let the time go by '"l won't care if I '"Can be here on the street where you live'" It really is, Higgins. It's inhuman to continue. Do you realize what you've got to teach this girl in six weeks? You've got to teach her to walk, talk, address a duke, a lord... ...a bishop, an ambassador. It's absolutely impossible. Higgins, I'm trying to tell you that I want to call off the bet. I know you're a stubborn man, but so am l. This experiment is over. And nothing short of an order from the king could force me to recant. You understand, Higgins? It's over. Higgins, if there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight... ...if Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment... ...it'll be on your head alone. Eliza can do anything. Suppose she's discovered? Remember Ascot. Suppose she makes another ghastly mistake? There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering. Think of how agonizing it would be. If anything happened tonight, I don't know what I'd do. You could always rejoin your regiment. This is no time for flippancy, Higgins. The way you've driven her the last six weeks... ...has exceeded all bounds of common decency. For God's sake, stop pacing. Can't you settle somewhere? Have some port. It'll quieten your nerves. I'm not nervous. -Where is it? -On the piano. The car's here, sir. Good. Tell Miss Doolittle. Tell Miss Doolittle indeed. I'll bet you that damned gown doesn't fit. I warned you about these French designers. We should've gone to an English shop. They would've been on our side. -Have a glass of port? -No, thank you. Are you so sure this girl will retain everything you've hammered into her? Well, we shall see. Suppose she doesn't? I lose my bet. There's one thing I can't stand about you, your confounded complacency. At a moment like this, with so much at stake... ...it's utterly indecent that you don't need a glass of port. And what about the girl? You act as though she doesn't matter at all. Rubbish, Pickering. Of course she matters. What do you think I've been doing all these months? What could possibly matter more than to take a human being... ...and change her into a different human being by creating a new speech for her? It's filling up the deepest gap that separates class from class... ...and soul from soul. Oh, she matters immensely. Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful. Thank you, Colonel Pickering. Don't you think so, Higgins? Not bad. Not bad at all. Maestro! Maestro! Don't you remember me? No. Who the devil are you? I'm your pupil. Your first, your greatest, your best pupil. I'm Zoltan Karpathy, that marvelous boy. I made your name famous throughout Europe. You teach me phonetics. You can't forget me. Why don't you have your hair cut? I don't have your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow. If I had my hair cut, nobody would notice me. Where did you get these old coins? These are decorations for languages. The Queen of Transylvania is here. I'm indispensable to her at these official international parties. I speak languages. I know everyone in Europe. No imposter can escape my detection. Professor Karpathy. The Greek ambassador. Greek, my foot! He pretends not to know English, but he can't deceive me. He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker. He speaks English so villainously that he cannot utter a word... ...without betraying his origin. I help him pretend, but make him pay through the nose. I make them all pay. Excuse me, sir, you are wanted upstairs. Her Excellency asked for you. Viscount and Viscountess Saxon. Baron and Baroness of Yorkshire. Sir Guy and Lady Scot-Auckland. The Count and Countess Demereau. The Viscount and Viscountess Hillyard. Mr. and Mrs. Richard Lanser. Lord and Lady Clanders. Miss Eliza Doolittle, Colonel Pickering. Miss Eliza Doolittle. Colonel Pickering. Professor Higgins. -Your Excellency. -Miss Doolittle. How do you do? -Good evening, Colonel. -Good evening. What an enchanting young lady you have with you this evening. Well, who is she? Oh, a cousin of mine. And Higgins. Excuse me. Professor Higgins. Such a faraway look, as if she's always lived in a garden. So she has. A sort of garden. Henry must take Eliza home at once. There's a language expert here. -Sort of, you know, '"imposterologist.'" -I beg you pardon? The young lady with Colonel Pickering.... Find out who she is. With pleasure. The whole situation is highly explosive. Tell me, Zoltan, some more about the Greek ambassador. Gladly, but first I would love you to present me to this glorious creature. Does he really come from Yorkshire? Her Majesty, the Queen of Transylvania... ...and His Royal Highness Prince Gregor. Charming. Quite charming. Miss Doolittle, Madam. Miss Doolittle, my son would like to dance with you. Absolutely fantastic. A lot of tomfoolery. It was an immense achievement. Well, Mr. Higgins? A triumph, Mrs. Pearce. A total triumph. Higgins, you were superb, absolutely superb. Tell us the truth now, weren't you a little bit nervous once or twice? Not during the whole evening? Not when I saw we were going to win. I felt like a bear in a cage hanging about. It was an immense achievement. If I hadn't backed myself to do it, I'd have given up two months ago. Absolutely fantastic. Yes, a lot of tomfoolery. Higgins, I salute you. The silly people don't know their own silly business. '"Tonight, old man, you did it You did it, you did it '"You said that you would do it And indeed you did '"l thought that you would rue it I doubted you'd do it '"But now I must admit it That succeed you did '"You should get a medal Or be even made a knight '"Oh, it was nothing, really nothing '"All alone you hurdled Every obstacle in sight '"Now wait, now wait Give credit where it's due '"A lot of the glory goes to you '"But you're the one who did it Who did it, who did it '"As sturdy as Gibraltar Not a second did you falter '"There's no doubt about it '"You did it! '"l must have aged a year tonight At times I thought I'd die of fright '"Never was there a momentary lull '"Shortly after we came in I saw at once we'd easily win '"And after that I found it deadly dull '"You should have heard The 'oohs' and 'aahs' '"Everyone wondering who she was '"You'd think they'd never seen a lady before '"And when the Prince of Transylvania Asked to meet her '"And gave his arm to lead her to the floor '"l said to him: 'You did it You did it, you did it' '"They thought she was ecstatic And so damned aristocratic '"And they never knew That you... '"...did it'" Thank goodness for Zoltan Karpathy. If it hadn't been for him I would've died of boredom. Karpathy? That dreadful Hungarian? Was he there? Yes, he was there all right and up to his old tricks. '"That blackguard Who uses the science of speech '"More to blackmail and swindle than teach '"He made it the devilish business of his '"To find out who this Miss Doolittle is '"Every time we looked around There he was '"That hairy hound from Budapest '"Never leaving us alone Never have I ever known '"A ruder pest '"Finally I decided it was foolish Not to let him have his chance with her '"So I stepped aside And let him dance with her '"Oozing charm from every pore He oiled his way around the floor '"Every trick that he could play He used to strip her mask away '"And when at last the dance was done He glowed as if he knew he'd won '"And with a voice too eager And a smile too broad '"He announced to the hostess That she was a fraud'" No! '"'Her English is too good,' he said 'That clearly indicates that she is foreign '"'Whereas others are instructed ln their native language '"'English people aren't '"'Although she may have studied with an expert dialectician and grammarian '"'l can tell that she was born '"'Hungarian' '"Not only Hungarian but of royal blood '"She is a princess '"'Her blood,' he said 'ls bluer than the Danube is or ever was '"'Royalty is absolutely written on her face '"'She thought I was taken in But actually I never was '"'How could she deceive Another member of her race? '"'l know each language on the map' Said he '"'And she's Hungarian As the first Hungarian Rhapsody''" '"Congratulations, Professor Higgins '"For your glorious victory '"Congratulations, Professor Higgins '"You'll be mentioned in history'" Well, thank God, that's over. Now I can go to bed without dreading tomorrow. -Good night, Mr. Higgins. -Good night, Mrs. Pearce. I think I'll turn in, too. Good night. It's been a great occasion. Good night, Pickering. Mrs. Pearce? Damn, I meant to ask her to give me coffee in the morning instead of tea. Leave a little note for her will you, Eliza. And put out the lights. Must be downstairs. Oh, darn it. I'll leave my head behind one of these days. What the devil have I done with my slippers? Here are your slippers! Take your slippers and may you never have a day's luck with them. What on earth? What's the matter? Is anything wrong? No, nothing's wrong with you. I won your bet for you, haven't l? That's enough for you! I don't matter, I suppose? You won my bet? You presumptuous insect! I won it! Why did you throw the slippers at me? Because I wanted to smash your face. I could kill you, you selfish brute! Why didn't you leave me where you picked me up? You thank God it's all over. Now you can throw me back again! Do you? Oh, so the creature's nervous after all? Claws in, you cat! How dare you show your temper to me? Sit down and be quiet! What's to become of me? How do I know what's to become of you? What does it matter? You don't care. I know you don't care. You wouldn't care if I was dead. I'm nothing to you. Not as much as them slippers. Those slippers! Those slippers! I didn't think it meant any difference now. Why have you suddenly begun going on like this? May I ask if you complain of your treatment here? No. Has anybody behaved badly? Colonel Pickering, Mrs. Pearce? No. Well you don't pretend that I have treated you badly? No. Well, I'm glad to hear that. Perhaps you're tired after the strain of the day. Would you have a chocolate? No, thank you. Well, it's only natural that you should be anxious, but it's all over now. Nothing more to worry about. No, nothing more for you to worry about. Oh, God, I wish I was dead. Why? ln heaven's name, why? Now listen to me, Eliza. All this irritation is purely subjective. I don't understand. I'm too ignorant. It's just imagination. Nothing's wrong. Nobody's hurting you. Go to bed and sleep it off. Have a little cry and say your prayers. You'll feel very much more comfortable. I heard your prayers. '"Thank God it's all over.'" Don't you thank God it's all over? Now you're free, and you can do what you like. Oh, what am I fit for? What have you left me fit for? Where am I to go? What am I to do? And what's to become of me? That's what's worrying you, is it? I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. I'm sure you won't have any difficulty in settling yourself somewhere or other. I didn't quite realize you were going away. You might marry, you know. You see, Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel. Most men are the marrying sort, poor devils. You're not bad-looking. You're really quite a pleasure to look at sometimes. Not now, when you've been crying. You look like the very devil, but... ...when you're all right and quite yourself you're what I would call attractive. Go to bed, have a good rest, get up in the morning... ...and have a look at yourself in the glass. You won't feel so bad. I daresay, my mother might find some fellow or other who would do very well. We were above that at Covent Garden. What do you mean? I sold flowers, I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a lady of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else. Oh, tosh, Eliza. Don't insult human relations... ...by dragging all that cant about buying and selling into it. Don't marry the fellow if you don't want to. What else am I to do? Oh, there are lots of things. What about the old idea of a florist shop? I'm sure Pickering'd set you up in one. He's got lots of money. He'll pay for all those togs you're wearing. And that with the hire of the jewelry'll make a big hole in pounds. Come on now. You'll be all right. Well, I must be off to bed. I'm really devilish sleepy. I was looking for something. What was it? Your slippers. Oh, yes, of course. You shied them at me. Before you go, sir. Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Pickering? What the devil use would they be to Pickering? Why bother about that in the middle of the night? What may I take away with me? I don't want to be accused of stealing. Stealing? You shouldn't have said that. That shows a want of feeling. I'm sorry. I'm a common, ignorant girl and in my station I have to be careful. There can't be any feelings between the likes of you and the likes of me. Please, will you tell me what belongs to me and what doesn't? Take the whole damned houseful if you want. Except the jewelry. That's hired. Will that satisfy you? Stop, please. Will you take these to your room and keep them safe? I don't want to run the risk of them being missed. Hand them over! lf these belonged to me and not the jeweler, I'd... ...l'd ram them down your ungrateful throat. The ring isn't the jeweler's. It's the one you bought me in Brighton. I don't want it now. Don't you hit me! Hit you? You infamous creature! How dare you suggest such a thing! It's you who've hit me. You've wounded me to the heart. I'm glad. I've got a little of my own back anyhow. You've caused me to lose my temper. That's hardly happened to me before. I don't wish to discuss it further tonight. I'm going to bed. Leave your own note for Mrs. Pearce about the coffee... ...for it won't be done by me! Damn Mrs. Pearce, damn the coffee and damn you! Damn my own folly for having lavished my hard-earned knowledge... ...and the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe! '"Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins Just you wait! '"You'll be sorry But your tears will be too late '"You will be the one it's done to '"And you'll have no one to run to '"Just you wait'" '"l have often walked down this street before '"But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before '"All at once am I several stories high '"Knowing I'm on the street where you live '"Are there lilac trees in the heart of town? '"Can you hear a lark in any other part of town? '"Does enchantment pour out of every door? '"No, it's just on the street where you live '"And, oh, the towering feeling '"Just to know somehow you are near '"The overpowering feeling '"That any second you may suddenly appear '"People stop and stare, they don't....'" Darling. Freddy, whatever are you doing here? Nothing. I spend most of my nights here. It's the only place where I'm happy. Don't laugh at me, Miss Doolittle. Don't you call me '"Miss Doolittle,'" do you hear? Eliza's good enough for me. Freddy, you don't think I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you? Darling, how could you imagine such a thing? You know how I feel. I've written two and three times a day telling you. Sheets and sheets. '"Speak, and the world is full of singing '"And I am winging higher than the birds '"Touch, and my heart begins to crumble '"The heavens tumble Darling, and I'm--'" '"Words, words, words I'm so sick of words '"l get words all day through First from him, now from you '"ls that all you blighters can do? '"Don't talk of stars burning above '"lf you're in love, show me '"Tell me no dreams filled with desire '"lf you're on fire, show me '"Here we are together ln the middle of the night '"Don't talk of spring Just hold me tight '"Anyone who's ever been in love'll Tell you that '"This is no time for a chat '"Haven't your lips longed for my touch? '"Don't say how much, show me '"Show me '"Don't talk of love lasting through time '"Make me no undying vow '"Show me now '"Sing me no song, read me no rhyme '"Don't waste my time, show me '"Don't talk of June, don't talk of fall '"Don't talk at all, show me '"Never do I ever want to hear another word '"There isn't one I haven't heard '"Here we are together in what ought to be a dream '"Say one more word and I'll scream '"Haven't your arms hungered for mine? '"Please don't explain, show me '"Show me '"Don't wait until wrinkles and lines '"Pop out all over my brow '"Show me now! '" -Where are you going? -To the river. -What for? -To make a hole in it. Eliza, darling, what do you mean? Taxi! -But I've no money. -I have. -Where are we going? -Where I belong. Darling, shall I come with you? ''With one enormous chair ''Oh, wouldn't it be loverly? ''Lots of chocolate for me to eat ''Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat ''Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet ''Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?'' Buy a flower, miss? Yes, please. Good morning, miss. Can I help you? Do you mind if I warm my hands? Go right ahead, miss. Excuse me. For a second I thought you were somebody else. Who? Forgive me, ma'am. Early morning light playing tricks with my eyes. Can I get you a taxi? A lady shouldn't be walkin' alone... ...around London this hour of the morning. No, thank you. ''Someone's head restin' on my knee ''Warm and tender as he can be ''Who takes good care of me ''Oh, wouldn't it... ''...be loverly? ''Loverly '' Do come again, Mr. Doolittle. We value your patronage always. Thank you, my good man. Thank you. Here. Come 'ere. Take the missus on a trip to Brighton with my compliments. Thank you, Mr. Doolittle. Jolly spot this, Harry. We must visit it more often. Father? Oh, no. You see, Harry, he has no mercy. Sent her down to spy on me in me misery, he did. Me own flesh and blood. Well, I'm miserable, all right. You can tell him that straight. What are you talking about? What are you dressed up for? As if you didn't know. Go on back to that Wimpole Street devil. Tell him what he's done to me. What's he done to you? Ruined me, that's all. Tied me up and delivered me into the hands of middle-class morality. And don't you defend him. Was it 'im or was it not 'im wrote to an old American blighter named Wallingford... ...who was giving $ to found Moral Reform societies... ...to tell him the most original moralist in England was Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle... ...a common dustman? Sounds like one of his jokes. You may call it a joke. It's put the lid on me. Proper. The old bloke died and left me pounds a year in his bloomin' will. Who asked him to make a gentleman outta me? I was 'appy. I was free. I touched pretty nigh everyone for money when I wanted it, same as I touched him. Now I'm tied neck and 'eels and everybody touches me. A year ago I 'adn't a relation in the world... ...except one or two who wouldn't speak to me. Now I've . Not a decent week's wages amongst the lot of them. I have to live for others now, not for meself. Middle-class morality. Come on, Alfie, in a few hours we have to be at the church. -Church? -Yeah, church. The deepest cut of all. Why do you think I'm dressed up like a ruddy pallbearer? Your stepmother wants to marry me. Now I'm respectable, she wants to be respectable. If that's the way you feel, why don't you give the money back? That's the tragedy of it, Eliza. It's easy to say chuck it... ...but I 'aven't the nerve. We're all intimidated. That's what we are, intimidated. Bought up. Yeah. That's what I am. That's what your precious professor's brought me to. Not my precious professor. Oh, sent you back, 'as he? First he shoves me in the middle-class, then he chucks you out for me to support. That's all part of his plan... ...but you double-cross him. Don't you come back home to me. Don't you take tuppence from me. You stand on your own two feet. You're a lady now, you can do it. Yeah, that's right, Eliza. You're a lady now. It's getting awfully cold in that taxi. Here, Eliza, would you like to come and see me turned off this morning? St. George's, Hanover Square, : . I wouldn't advise it, but you're welcome. No, thank you, Dad. Are you all finished here, Eliza? Yes, Freddy, I'm all finished here. Good luck, Dad. Thank you, Eliza. Come along, Alfie. How much time have I got left? '"There's just a few more hours '"That's all the time you've got '"A few more hours '"Before they tie the knot'" There's drinks and girls all over London. And I gotta track 'em down in just a few more hours. Set 'em up, me darlin'. '"l'm gettin' married in the mornin' '"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime '"Pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper '"But get me to the church on time '"l got to be there in the mornin' '"Spruced up and looking in me prime '"Girls, come and kiss me Show how you'll miss me '"But get me to the church on time '"lf I am dancin' Roll up the floor '"lf I am whistlin' Me out the door '"For I'm getting married in the mornin' '"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime '"Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass '"And get me to the church '"For God's sake Get me to the church... '"...on time '"l'm gettin' married in the mornin' '"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime '"Some bloke who's able Lift up the table '"But get me to the church on time '"lf I am flyin' Then shoot me down '"lf I am wooin' Get her out of town '"For I'm getting married in the mornin' '"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime '"Feather and tar me Call out the Army '"But get me to the church '"Get me to the church '"For God's sake Get me to the church... '"...on time '"He's gettin' married in the mornin' '"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime '"Come on, pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper '"But get me to the church on time '"He's got to be there in the mornin' '"Spruced up and lookin' in his prime '"Girls, come and kiss me Show how you'll miss me '"But get me to the church on time '"lf I am dancin' Roll up the floor '"lf I am whistlin' Me out the door '"Drug me or jail me Stamp me and mail me '"But get me to the church '"Get him to the church '"For God's sake Get me to the church on time '"Girls come and kiss him Show how they miss him '"But get him to the church on time '"Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass '"And get him to the church on time '"lf I am flyin' Then shoot me down '"lf I am wooin' Get her out of town '"He's gettin' married in the mornin' '"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime '"Some bloke who's able Lift up the table '"But get me to the church on time '"Starlight is reelin' Home to bed now '"Mornin' is smearin' up the sky '"London is wakin' '"Daylight is breakin' '"Good luck, old chum '"Good health '"Goodbye '"l'm gettin' married in the mornin' '"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime '"Hail and salute me Then haul off and boot me '"But get him to the church Get him to the church '"For God's sake Get him to the church... '"...on time'" Didn't she say where to send her clothes? I told you, sir, she took them all with her. Here's a confounded thing. Eliza's bolted. Last night Mrs. Pearce let her go without telling me about it! What'll I do? I got tea this morning instead of coffee. I don't know where anything is, what my appointments are. -Eliza'd know. -Damn it, she's gone! Did either of you frighten her last night? We hardly said a word to her. You were there. Did you bully her after I went to bed? She threw the slippers at me. I never gave her the slightest provocation. The slippers came at my head before I uttered a word. She used the most disgraceful language. I was shocked! I don't understand. We always gave her every consideration. She admitted it. I'm dashed! Pickering, for God's sake, stop being dashed and do something! Phone the police. What are they there for? You can't give Eliza's name to the police... ...as if she were a thief or a lost umbrella. But why not? I want to find the girl. She belongs to me. I paid five pounds for her. Quite right. Hello. Scotland Yard, please? Get me some coffee, would you please? Scotland Yard? This is Colonel Pickering speaking. A Wimpole Street. I want to report a missing person. Miss Eliza Doolittle. About . I should say about foot . Her eyes? Let me think now. Her eyes.... -Brown. -Brown. Her hair? Good Lord. Sort of a nondescript neutral sort of-- Brown, brown, brown! You heard what he said? Brown, brown, brown, yes. No. This is her residence. A-- Yes, about between : and : this morning, I understand. No.... She's no relation, no. Well, let's call her a good friend, shall we? I beg your pardon? Listen to me, I don't like the tenor of that question. What the girl does here is our affair. Your affair is to get her back so she can continue doing it. Well, I'm dashed! '"What in heaven could have prompted her to go? '"After such a triumph at the ball '"What could have depressed her? '"What could have possessed her? I cannot understand the wretch at all'" Higgins, I have an old school chum at the Home Office. Perhaps he could help. Think I'll give him a ring. Whitehall: please. '"Women are irrational That's all there is to that '"Their heads are full of Cotton, hay and rags '"They're nothing but exasperating lrritating, vacillating, calculating '"Agitating, maddening And infuriating hags'" I want to speak to Mr. Brewster Budgin, please. Yes, I'll wait. Pickering, why can't a woman be more like a man? I beg your pardon? Yes, why can't a woman be more like a man? '"Men are so honest, so thoroughly square '"Eternally noble, historically fair '"Who, when you win Will always give your back a pat? '"Why can't a woman be like that? '"Why does every one do What the others do? '"Can't a woman learn to use her head? '"Why do they do everything Their mothers do? '"Why don't they grow up Well, like their father instead? '"Why can't a woman take after a man? '"Men are so pleasant, so easy to please '"Whenever you're with them You're always at ease '"Would you be slighted lf I didn't speak for hours? '"Would you be livid lf I had a drink or two? '"Would you be wounded lf I never sent you flowers? '"Well, why can't a woman be like you? '"One man in a million may shout a bit '"Now and then There's one with slight defects '"One perhaps whose truthfulness You doubt a bit '"But by and large We are a marvelous sex '"Why can't a woman take after a man? '"Cause men are so friendly Good-natured and kind '"A better companion You never will find '"lf I were hours late for dinner Would you bellow? '"lf I forgot your silly birthday Would you fuss? '"Would you complain lf I took out another fellow? '"Well, why can't a woman be like us?'" Is Mr. Brewster Budgin there? Bruzzie, you'll never guess who this is. You're quite right, it is. Good heavens. By George, what a memory. How are you, Bruzzie? Nice to hear your voice. What? You don't say. Has it really been years, Bruzzie? Right. Yes, oceans of water. Listen, Bruzzie, I'll tell you why I rang up. Something rather unpleasant has happened. Could I come and see you? I could, yes. Now, straight away? Right. Good. Thank you. Goodbye, Bruzzie. Thank you very much. Mrs. Pearce, I'm going along to the Home Office. I do hope you find her, Colonel Pickering. Mr. Higgins will miss her. Mr. Higgins will miss her, eh? Blast Mr. Higgins, I'll miss her! -Mrs. Pearce? -Yes, sir. Where's the Colonel? He's gone to the Home Office, sir. There you are. I'm disturbed and he runs for help. Now there's a good fellow. Mrs. Pearce, you're a woman. '"Why can't a woman be more like a man? '"Men are so decent Such regular chaps '"Ready to help you Through any mishaps '"Ready to buck you up Whenever you are glum '"Why can't a woman be a chum? '"Why is thinking Something women never do? '"And why is logic never even tried? '"Straightening up their hair ls all they ever do '"Why don't they straighten up The mess that's inside? '"Why can't a woman behave like a man? '"lf I was a woman Who'd been to a ball '"Been hailed as a princess By one and by all '"Would I start weeping Like a bathtub overflowing? '"Or carry on as if my home were in a tree? '"Would I run off And never tell me where I'm going? '"Why can't a woman be like me?'" You mean that after you'd done this wonderful thing for them... ...without making a mistake... ...they just sat there and never said a word? Never petted you, or admired you, or told you how splendid you'd been? Not a word. They just congratulated each other on how marvelous they'd been. The next moment, how glad they were it was all over... ...and what a bore it had all been. This is appalling. I should not have thrown my slippers at him. I should have thrown the fire irons. Who's that? Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long. Now, remember... ...you not only danced with a prince last night, you behaved like a princess. Mother, the most confounded thing.... Do you-- You! Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. Are you quite well? Of course you are. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea? Don't you dare try that game on me. I taught it to you. Get up, come home and stop being a fool. You've caused me enough trouble. Very nicely put indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation. How did this baggage get here? Eliza came to see me this morning and I was delighted to have her. If you don't promise to behave yourself I'll ask you to leave. I'm to put on my Sunday manners for this... ...thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden? That's precisely what I mean. I'll see her damned first. However did you learn good manners with my son around? It was very difficult. I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen behave... ...if it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering. He showed me that he felt and thought about me... ...as if I were something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up... ...the difference between a lady and a flower girl isn't how she behaves... ...but how she is treated. I'll always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins... ...because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will. I'll always be a lady to Colonel Pickering... ...because he always treats me as a lady and always will. Henry, don't grind your teeth. The bishop is here. Shall I show him into the garden? The bishop and the professor? Good heavens, no! I should be excommunicated. I'll see him in the library. Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things... ...l give you full permission to have him evicted. Henry, I suggest you stick to two subjects: the weather and your health. You've had a bit of your own back, as you say. Have you had enough and will you be reasonable or do you want any more? You want me back to pick up your slippers... ...and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you. I didn't say I wanted you back at all. Then what are we talking about? Well, about you, not about me. If you come back you'll be treated as you always have. I can't change my nature or my manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering's. That's not true. He treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess. I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl. I see. The same to everybody. The great secret is not a question of good manners... ...or bad manners or any particular sort of manner... ...but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely... ...but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better. I don't care how you treat me. I don't mind your swearing at me. I shouldn't mind a black eye. I've had one before this. But I won't be passed over! Get out of my way, for I won't stop for you. You talk about me as though I was a motorbus. So you are a motorbus. All bounce and go and no consideration for anybody. But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't! I know you can. I told you, you could. You've never wondered, I suppose, whether... ...whether I could get along without you? Don't you try to get around me. You'll have to. So I can, without you or any soul on earth. I shall miss you, Eliza. I've learned something from your idiotic notions. I confess that humbly and gratefully. Well, you have my voice on your gramophone. When you feel lonely without me you can turn it on. It has no feelings to hurt. Well, I can't turn your soul on. You are a devil! You can twist the heart in a girl just as easily... ...as some can twist her arms to hurt her. What am I to come back for? For the fun of it. That's why I took you on. You may throw me out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want. Yes. And you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want. And live with my father? Yes, or sell flowers. Would you rather marry Pickering? I wouldn't marry you if you asked me and you're nearer my age then what he is. -Than he is. -I'll talk as I like, you're not my teacher. That's not what I want and don't you think it is. I've always had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy Hill writes me twice and three times a day. Sheets and sheets. In short, you want me to be as infatuated about you as he is, is that it? No, I don't. That's not the sort of feeling I want from you. I want a little kindness. I know I'm a common, ignorant girl, and you're a book-learned gentleman... ...but I'm not dirt under your feet. What I done...what I did was not for the taxis and the dresses... ...but because we were pleasant together and I come to...came... ...to care for you. Not to want you to make love to me... ...and not forgetting the difference between us, but... ...more friendly like. Well, of course. That's how I feel. And how Pickering feels. Eliza, you're a fool! That's not the proper answer. It's the only answer till you stop being an idiot. To be a lady, you must stop feeling neglected... ...if men don't spend half their time sniveling over you... ...and the other half giving you black eyes. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you? Off with you to the sort of people you like. Marry a sentimental hog with lots of money... ...and thick lips to kiss you, and thick boots to kick you. If you can't appreciate what you have, then get what you can appreciate. I can't talk to you. You always turn everything against me. I'm always in the wrong. Don't be too sure you have me under your feet... ...to be trampled on and talked down. I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him. The poor devil who couldn't get a job as an errand boy... ...even if he had the guts to try? Don't you understand? I have made you a consort for a king! Freddy loves me. That makes him king enough for me. I don't want him to work. He wasn't brought up to do it as I was. I'll go and be a teacher. What'll you teach, in heaven's name? What you taught me. I'll teach phonetics. I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian. What, that imposter? That humbug? That toadying ignoramus? Teach him my methods, my discoveries? You take one step in that direction, I'll wring your neck! Wring away! What do I care? I knew you'd strike me one day. That's done you, 'Enry 'lggins, it 'as. Now, I don't care for your bullyin' an' your big talk. '"What a fool I was '"What a dominated fool '"To think you were the earth and sky '"What a fool I was '"What an addle-pated fool '"What a mutton-headed dolt was I '"No, my reverberating friend '"You are not the beginning and the end'" You impudent hussy! There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth that I haven't put there. '"There'll be spring every year without you '"England still will be here without you '"There'll be fruit on the tree And a shore by the sea '"There'll be crumpets and tea without you '"Art and music will thrive without you '"Somehow Keats will survive without you '"And there still will be rain On that plain down in Spain '"Even that will remain without you '"l can do... '"...without you '"You, dear friend '"Who talk so well '"You can go to '"Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire '"They can still rule the land without you '"Windsor Castle will stand without you '"And without much ado We can all muddle through '"Without you! '" You brazen hussy! '"Without your pulling it the tide comes in '"Without your twirling it the earth can spin '"Without your pushing them the clouds roll by '"lf they can do without you, Ducky, So can I '"l shall not feel alone without you '"l can stand on my own without you '"So go back in your shell I can do bloody well--'" '"By George, I really did it I did it, I did it '"l said I'd make a woman and indeed I did '"l knew that I could do it I knew it, I knew it '"l said I'd make a woman and succeed I did'" Eliza, you're magnificent. Five minutes ago you were a millstone around my neck... ...and now you're a tower of strength. A consort battleship. I like you this way. Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You shall not be seeing me again. Mother! What is it, Henry? What's happened? She's gone. Well, of course, dear. What did you expect? What am I to do? Do without, I suppose. And so I shall. If the Higgins' oxygen burns up her little lungs... ...let her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine. Let her go. I can do without her. I can do without anyone. I have my own soul! My own spark of divine fire! Bravo, Eliza. '"Damn, damn, damn, damn '"l've grown accustomed to her face '"She almost makes the day begin '"l've grown accustomed to the tune That she whistles night and noon '"Her smiles, her frowns Her ups, her downs '"Are second nature to me now '"Like breathing out and breathing in '"l was serenely independent and content Before we met '"Surely I could always be that way again '"And yet I've grown Accustomed to her looks '"Accustomed to her voice '"Accustomed to her face'" Marry Freddy. What an infantile idea. What a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do. But she'll regret it. She'll regret it. It's doomed before they even take the vow! '"l can see her now Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill '"ln a wretched little flat above a store '"l can see her now, not a penny in the till '"And a bill collector beating at the door '"She'll try to teach the things I taught her '"And end up selling flowers instead '"Begging for her bread and water '"While her husband has his breakfast in bed '"ln a year or so when she's prematurely gray '"And the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk '"She'll come home and lo he'll have upped and run away '"With a social-climbing heiress from New York '"Poor Eliza '"How simply frightful '"How humiliating '"How delightful '"How poignant it will be On that inevitable night '"When she hammers on my door ln tears and rags '"Miserable and lonely Repentant and contrite '"Will I take her in Or hurl her to the wolves? '"Give her kindness Or the treatment she deserves? '"Will I take her back Or throw the baggage out? '"Well, I'm a most forgiving man '"The sort who never could, ever would '"Take a position and staunchly never budge '"A most forgiving man '"But I shall never take her back '"lf she were crawling on her knees '"Let her promise to atone Let her shiver, let her moan '"l'll slam the door And let the hellcat freeze'" Marry Freddy. '"But I'm so used to hear her say '"'Good morning' every day '"Her joys, her woes '"Her highs, her lows '"Are second nature to me now '"Like breathing out and breathing in '"l'm very grateful she's a woman And so easy to forget '"Rather like a habit one can always break '"And yet I've grown Accustomed to the trace '"Of something in the air '"Accustomed to her face'" Oh, we are proud. He ain't above givin' lessons, not 'im. I 'eard 'im say so. I ain't come here to ask for any compliment... ...and if my money's not good enough, I can go elsewhere. Good enough for what? Good enough for you. Now you know, don't ya? I'm come to 'ave lessons. And to pay for 'em, too... ...make no mistake. What do you want, my girl? I want to be a lady in a flow'r shop, 'stead o' sellin'... ...at the corner of Tottenham Court Road. But they won't take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said he could teach me. Well, 'ere I am ready to pay. Not askin' any favor, and he treats me as if I was dirt. I know what lessons cost as well as you do and I'm ready to pay. I won't give more than a shillin'. Take it or leave it. It's almost irresistible. She's so deliciously low. So horribly dirty. I'll take it. I'll make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe. I washed my face and 'ands before I come, I did. Where the devil are my slippers?