Movie Date: March 21, 2014
And cut! - Wow. That was so amazing! - Walter, you did a wonderful job. Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that? - We got it. - We got it, yup. Movie's over, people. Go home. That is a wrap. Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9s, and we'll see you on the next one. So... What do we do now? Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back. Yeah! Actually, those were extras. I saw a few tapping their toes. Yeah, those were paid dancers. Or... Maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie! Well, I mean, maybe I could. Hey, what's the camera still doing here? Oh, no. Disaster! That can only mean one thing. Doggone it, you're right! It looks like they've ordered a sequel. We're doing a sequel We're back by popular demand Come on, everybody, strike up the band! We're doing a sequel That's what we do in Hollywood And everybody knows That the sequel's never quite as good A sequel Another feature attraction Places, please Light the lights Roll camera, "Action!" I thought it was the end But no, my friends, this is when We get to do it all again! Do it all again Until the credits roll We got another go to show them We can do it all again! We're doing a sequel There's no need to disguise The studio considers us a viable franchise We're doing a sequel The studio wants more While they wait for Tom Hanks To make Toy Story 4! I thought it was the end But no, my friends, this is when We get to do it all again! Do it all again! Until the credits roll We've got another go to show them We can do it all again! We're doing a sequel Let's give it a go With Hollywood stars And more one-liner cameos We're doing a sequel I don't mean to be a stickler But this is the seventh sequel To our original motion picture We're doing a sequel Let's give it a shot All we need now is a half-decent plot Got it. An epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed purple thing and a beautiful chicken. Gonzo with the Wind. Does anybody have any other ideas? It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio! Fozzie, did you even watch our last film? It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig. And they have to kiss each other a lot! I don't think Americans watch subtitled films. Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour? That's perfect! I thought it was the end But no, my friends, this is when We get to do it all again! Until the credits roll We've got another go to show them We can do it all again! We're doing a sequel It's more of the same Let's give it a name How about The Muppets Again? It's the Muppets again with The Muppets Again It's the Muppets Again! - Okay? - I'm okay! Okay! Enema-boomed.! Hey! Pepperoni! Come on! Let's dance. It's time to light the lights. Muppet news flash. Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum security gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur. Wow. Thanks for seeing me at my regular booth, Muppets. Big fan. Huge. Dominic. International tour manager. "Dominic Badguy"? It's pronounced "Bad-gee." It's French. It means "good man." Oh, yes. Listen up. You're hot. You're having a moment. But what is inevitable about a moment? it ends. I don't want this moment to end! That's why we got to get out there now and capitalize on this moment with a capital yeah? I want you to conquer the world. Do an international tour. Show a global audience what you can do. Yeah, that sounds great but I'm just not sure... Wait a second, guys, listen. I'd love to do that, too. But we've barely gotten back together. We don't want to mess that up. Okay, I am inundated with offers of management at the moment. One Direction, U2, Cirque du Soleil. Just some of the acts I can list. Wow, that's a good list! And now, I wanna tour manage you guys. I know you're the boss, Kermit. I wouldn't interfere with that. We would share our managerial roles because you've got a special bond with these little guys. Sure. President Clinton? What? I'm on my way, Number Two. Great, they're taking the bait. - Well, he seems like a nice guy. - Yeah. Humble and honest. I just... I think we have to get settled first, you know? Hone the show, get some new material, and then maybe go on a world tour. See you in Berlin. Yes. Auf Wiedersehen, Number Two. So... What's it gonna be, Muppets? Ready to be world famous? No pressure, but I am a very busy man. That's Rihanna. I really should take this. World tour! World tour! Well, I mean... I guess we could always hone our acts on the road, and that would be okay. Wouldn't it, Kermit? World tour! World tour! Come on, froggy! Okay, let's do it. Dominic, you're hired. Thanks, Kermit. I mean, boss. You won't regret this. Is everybody here? Yeah? Okay, guys, guys. Get them up and move them out. All aboard, Dominic. I didn't know there was still third class. Third class? How about no class? Watch the heels! Piggy. Why do you need so much luggage? For our honeymoon, of course! For our what? Let's go, guys! That must be reverse. Oh, well. This way looks good, too. Okay, Dominic, I thought we could start our world tour in London. Or how about the world capital of comedy? Berlin, Germany. Germany! Was that supposed to happen? You guys are gonna love this place. Okay, here we are, guys. The Hole in the Wall Club! "Die Looks like they put the reviews up early. Yeah, or is that the suggestion box? "Hole in the Wall Club"? More like "Hole in the Ground Club." Okay, everybody. So, we'll start at the bottom and work our way up. I've booked us into cabaret bars and coffee houses all across the industrial cities of Northern Germany. Dusseldorf, Hamburg, Mudburg, Vomitdorf. Poopenburgen'? Fozzie, we have a solid week booked in Poopenburgen. This looks great. And I think we should commend Kermit on his efforts. Thank you, Dominic. Thanks. Or, if I might be so bold, maybe we could consider another venue. Another venue? To be precise, this other venue. Look at that theater! What? No, no. We don't have the money to rent the Berlin National Theatre! We'll make our money back when we sell it out. Kermie, I've always dreamed of playing the Berlin National Theatre. "Ich bin ein Berliner." More like, "Ein frankfurter"! Watch it, buster. Guys, I'm not sure we can do this, you know? Okay, let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands. That's not what I'm saying. And all those in favor of just giving up. I can't believe I'm voting for giving up. Good. Well, I'm glad we made this decision. Wonderful! So cool! Isn't that exciting. I can't believe it. All right, gather round, troops. Everybody? Okay, 9W5- Since we're playing such a big theater, let's stick with what we know. We'll open with a cabaret number... Kermit, when do I do the indoor running of the bulls? Mr. Kermit, sir? I would very much like to demonstrate my magnetic bomb-attractor vest. Bunsen, why would you even invent one of those? Why did I invent the unexpectedly exploding cupcake? Hey, what about Muppet Ladder? Muppet Ladder? That's never, ever worked, Gonzo. Last time we all tried that was 20 years ago and you ended up in a cast for six months. Yeah, good times. Kermit, what if I do four or five Celine Dion songs? You know Celine Dion, she works in Vegas. No, Piggy, there's no time for that. What about the band's marathon jam session? Drum solo! Drum solo! No drum solo! Guys, guys, guys! We can't just do whatever we want. This is our opening night. Let's play to our strengths, because... Well... Look, I didn't want to worry you guys but if we don't sell this theater out, it would mean the end of the tour. What? And maybe the end of us. Great news, Muppets. We're sold out. What? Fine. I mean, great, great. Well done, Dominic. Hey, I have an amazing idea for an act. It's called "The Indoor Running of the Bulls." Gonzo, I've told you, that act is far too dangerous. Actually, Kermit, I was asking Dominic what he thinks. Good grief. Dominic, Dominic! Five songs. "Sold out." Like we've sold out a show in 30 years. Is this a good time to discuss our upcoming European wedding? No, actually, I'm kind of busy right now. Perfect! I have 23 swatches for the seat covers for the reception, which, by the way, we are not serving flies. Piggy, what are you talking about? I'm just trying to involve you in some of the decision-making, dear. What about being involved in the decision to get married in the first place, huh? Kermit, you never let me do what I want! Well, what about what I want? What about that? I haven't even proposed yet. - You can do that on our honeymoon. - What? That's insane! Do you hear what you're saying? Insane? How dare you call yourfianc?einsane? You are not my fianc?e! We are not engaged! And, as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now... Well... I'm fine with that! Piggy. Wait! I'm sorry! Get out! Don't take it personally. They still love you. They just prefer me now. Thank you, Dominic. That's very comforting. Do you know what I think helps sometimes in situations like this? What? A walk alone in the fog in former East Berlin. Maybe along a deserted canal. Well, I guess a quiet stroll is not a bad idea. Let the others know I've gone, will you? Sure. I promise. Thanks. Corrine, come here! Boo. What just happened? What? Wait a second. Hold on, hold on! There must be some mistake! Don't you know me? I'm Kermit the Frog! Silence, Constantine. The game is up. Who? No, no! Wait a minute! I'm Kermit the Frog! Guys, this is a mistake! I'm telling you! Hey, hey! Hello! Somebody! Open up! I'm an Amphibian-American! It's not easy being mean. Has anyone seen Kermit? It's 15 minutes to curtain. Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll. Hi-lo! I am Kermit. What... He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment. See? Just calm down. Just relax. You are right. Dominic is terrific! From now on, let's do whatever he says. All right. Yeah. Wow, that walk must have really helped. Miss Pig, I have wronged you. I humbly beg your forgiveness. You're not getting off that easy, bucko. Come on, Foo Foo. Bad frog! Bad frog! What is this? Let go, dog! Animal, stop it! Kermit has agreed that Dominic is right all the time, man. Good. So, now that Kermit agrees with me on everything... - I am Kermit. - Definitely. Let's go and hang out backstage, yeah? Okay, all right. Come, little friend. Let us get on with the show and enjoy our family-style adventure during which we shall bond and learn heartwarming lesson. Perhaps about sharing, or waiting your turn, or the number three. Right, Kermit. Sure. Flawlessly executed. Bravo. What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two? Yeah, I know. You're number one, I'm number two. I think you mentioned that before. Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest... -"Burglary." - Yes. ...of all time, and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars. Tonight, we steal the painting and then we'll have all we need to steal the unstealable, the Crown Jewels of England. Ensuring that my name goes down in history as greatest thief of all time! You mean our names, right? Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar, your name. Sure. I'm number one You're number two We're criminals at large But I'm at larger than you I'm number one You're number two I believe in equality As long as you get less than me - I'm one -You're one You're number two I'm number two. You may think that you're smarter But I'm smarterer than you I'm number one You're number two You're lucky to be number two Not number three I can see by the look in your eye You want to get a bigger piece of the pie One day you'll get your chance But in the meantime You've got to dance, monkey, dance! Really? I hate dancing. DO it! Dance, monkey, dance! I'm number two He's number one I can't believe I'm working for an amphibian I'm number two He's number one I'm number one! You know life's gone to the dogs When your boss is a frog I can see it's just a matter of time Before he's gone And I'm at the front of the line It won't be long till I get my chance But in the meantime I've got to dance, monkey, dance Dance, monkey, dance Now, watch me. - I'm number one -He's number one - You're number two -I'm number two That's it, kid There you go Now step aside This ain't your show - I'm one -"I'm one" I'm number one Yes, we know - I'm... -He's... Number one! That's how it's done. Sure. Okay. Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet? Of course not. This is child's play for frog of my talent. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... "Study Kermit tapes." Nonsense. It's... Oh, no. Kermit! Introduce the show. It's the Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Christoph Waltz! What is happening? Why am I flying? - What the... - We gotta do something! Please welcome our first act, Herr Christoph Waltz dances the waltz! Darling, you set my world on fire. Did somebody say "explosion"? No! He says I set his world on fire. There it is again! Wait for me! Please! Wait for me. One more! Keep Waltzing, Mr. Waltz! Hey! It was vertigo. Not stage fright, if that's what you're thinking, Number Two. Sure. Right, now to cover our tracks. Let's get out of here! CIA. Interpol! What is the CIA doing here? This is myjurisdiction. Not to mention, my badge is bigger. One of the stolen paintings was on loan from the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art. So, this is CIAjurisdiction. Also, this is my travel badge. Here's my real badge. You must have been looking at the wrong... - Badge! - What? You've won this round, Pierre. - My name is "Jean." - Okay, Shawn. It looks like we're gonna be working together. But that doesn't mean I have to like you. I didn't like you first. I didn't like you before I met you. So, what have we got? Two priceless paintings stolen and one average painting of an obscure English colonel. This has all the markings of the work of the Lemur. What's a lemur? Only the second most wanted criminal in the world. And my personal nemesis. Unfortunately for me, his identity is a mystery. No, literally, what is a lemur? It is also a rat-monkey from Madagascar. Just as I suspected. This coin is his calling card. The Lemur, he is playing with us. I have a delivery here for Mr. Eagle. Right here. And here's your rope. You were saying? Look at that. "Muppets sell out in Berlin." Five stars! Kermit the Frog is liking this news. Choc-choc, yeam! Tunnel. It's not there. You were wrong! Not so fast. Oldest trick in the book. Write it in lemon juice, then simply apply heat to reveal Colonel Blood's map. Of course, today, the Crown Jewels lie behind the most sophisticated security system on the planet. And this map, along with Blood's key and locket, is the only way to get close to them. Good work, Number Two. What does it say about location of Blood's key? Right. Something, something. "Finest wooden teeth." That is not helpful. Wait. There's the name of a city here. Madrid. You've got the wrong frog! Hey, hey, hey! It's Constantine. - What? - He's back. What are you doing? I'm not Constantine. My name is Kermit. Constantine, always with the jokes! Good old Constantine. Always trying to pull a fast one. Old friend. Since you are back, I guess you are in charge of prison again. Here, take prison crown. We have to readjust it again. Sergei, you get on that. Take, take. Thank you. Wait a minute. I've known Constantine for years. And he has never... Even Said, "Thank you." Because I am not Constantine. - How dare you? - He's not Constantine! Let's throw him in the recycling compacter! Yeah! Throw him in the compacter! But I'm already green! Squash that frog! Put the frog down. Or I will deploy. Where am I? The Gulag. A gulag? Gulag. The Big House. The Big House! Hit it, boys. This is Russia's premier state-funded hotel We're very proud of our eclectic clientele Excellence in service since 1932 Don't believe what you read in the online reviews It's the Big House The perfect getaway Welcome into the Big House You'll never get away It's no Hilton or no Hyatt But you will have a riot So please enjoy your stay Here's the dining room The menu is minimal What the cook does to the food is criminal Pull up a seat, frog Grab yourself a stool May I recommend You try our famous gruel? In the Big House You'll never be alone Life ain't bad in the Big House No, frOQQY, no Check out after 10 Or 11 years Make yourself at home Accommodation here is far superior Than anything else You Will find in Siberia Let me know if there's anything you need Everything is free Money back, guaranteed In the Big House You will not survive When you arrive in the Big House Run for your life Two, three, four It's the Big House The perfect getaway Welcome into the Big House You'll never get away For your security I'll keep the only key Now, please enjoy your stay Listen, I'm telling you, you've got the wrong frog! If you are not Constantine, why do you have that mole? It's not real. Someone glued it to my lip. As far as authorities are concerned, you are Constantine. Glue or no glue. Make yourself comfortable. You're going to be here a while. I wouldn't be so sure. My friends will be here soon! Now, lights out! Turn them back on! I can't see anything. You have to wait until I'm, like, out of the hallway. It's figure of speech. Okay. It seems that Blood's key is hidden in a marble bust of his accomplice, Godfrey the Unknown, which is kept in the Statue Room at the Prado Museum. Perfect. We break in, steal the bust, destroy it and grab key. Yeah, it's not that simple. You see, no one knows what Godfrey the Unknown looked like. Of course not. He was second in command, so no one cared. And there's 250 statues in that room. That may be problem. Let me think, Number Two. Excusez-moi, Kerrme. Do you have a moment'? Kermit. I just wanted to say that I accept your apology and I'm ready to put our little disagreement or whatever it was, behind us. And, perhaps, I was a little too eager about our wedding... Pig, I have question. Am I wearing sign that says "Bother Me"? What was that? What was that? I was in the middle of evilly plotting. I do not like to be interrupted while evilly plotting. If we're to get away with this, you've got to keep up appearances. I am keeping up appearances. If you want the Crown Jewels, stick to the plan. Do whatever the pig wants. Keep her happy. Whatever she asks of you. Stupid frog! Stupid train! I don't want to talk to you, Kermit. I said, I want you out! I don't think you know what you want. Yeah, ldo. I just told you, I... You're my lady and I'm your man, baby. And that's why, if you stick with me, I can give you what you want. Baby, stop right there Let me clear the air Baby, look into these eyes Let me apologize I know what you're thinking of You're thinking, "Where's the love?" Babe, the love ain't gone It's here where it belongs I know what you're waiting for Well, you don't need to wait no more I can give you anything you want Give you anything you need I'll make your dreams come true Give you anything you want Fulfill your fantasies I'll make your dreams come true You want a unicorn I'll give it to you You want a puppy dog I'll give it to you You want an ice cream cone I'll give it to you You want a mortgage loan I'll give it to you You want a satin pillow I'll give it to you You want an armadillo I'll give it to you You want a diamond ring I'll give it to you You want a thingy-thing I'll give it to you I know what you're waiting for Well, you don't need to wait no more I can give you anything you want Give you anything you need I'll make your dreams come true Give you anything you want Fulfill your fantasies I'll make your dreams come true - I'm singing -Cockatoo - Yeah -Kangaroo In Malibu I'll give it to you I'll make your dreams come true - Cockatoo -Cockatoo - Kangaroo -Kangaroo In Malibu I'll make your dreams come true Kermie. You are what I've always wanted. Excuse us. But we are all wondering, what's the set list for tomorrow, chief? I don't care. Do whatever you want. What? Is he serious? Kermit, could I do indoor running of the bulls? Sure, Zongo. Who cares? Wow! Thank you, Kermit! Kermie, if he can do his thing, why can't I sing my five songs? Well... You can. Who cares? We don't have time for all this stuff. We're up to a three-hour show, Kermit. You are forgetting one thing, small man with glasses. I can give you what you want. All right! Okay. Indoor running the bulls. Won't the show be terrible? Guys? I'm so confused. Where are you guys? Looks like I'm gonna have to break out of here myself. It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lynn Redgrave. Yes! Hi-ho! Kermit the Frog, here. Hi-lo. Kermit the Frog here. The lovers, the dreamers and me The lovers, the dreamers and cheese Nailed it. It's El Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Salma Hayek. Hey! - Would you look at that? - No. Good idea. Yes! Hello and welcome to El Muppet Show. Please welcome our opening act, the Great Gonzo and the indoor running of the bulls! Gonzo? Gonzo, I don't want to do this. What? This is gonna be great. Are you sure about this? Nope. Come on. Let's go. - Where have you been? - On stage. Why did the... The bulls are out of control! Who could have foreseen this? Me. I did. Here they come again! Okay. Sorry about that, folks, but now put your hands together for Miss Piggy. I don't believe it. They've managed the impossible. What an achievement! Bravo! Bravo! What? You mean you actually like this show now? No! They've made the show even worse! - Bravo! Bravo! - Amazing! Where is it? It's got to be here somewhere. Keep smashing, Number Two. What do you think I'm doing? I'm smashing. Where is that key? The last one. it better be in here. He looks a little bit like you, Number Two. Colonel Blood's key. Nice of him to label it. - So, where is the locket? - There's more. Of course. That's where Blood's locket is. In the vaults of the Irish National Bank. Then I know where Muppet tour must stop next. Dublin. Drum solo! A standing ovation? I am Kermit. I hope you enjoyed my show. I love you, Madrid! Wow, what an audience! Great show, Kermit! They loved me, Kermie! They loved me! Guys? I'm not sure that was such a great show. Like, what are you talking about? That jam was, like, totally epic. Exactly. And I'm glad to say the Spanish reviewers disagree with you as well, Walter. They loved us. Five out of five jam?n serranos. Those reviews really came out fast. And Citizen Kane only got four jam?n serranos. And more good news. Pack up, everyone. I've booked our next gig. In Dublin. Oh, great! Now we all have time to rehearse. Rehearse? Let's celebrate. Yeah! Yes! You deserve it, comrades! Go do whatever you want. Looks like we are busted. Exactly what are we doing today? I am doing my job. All we need to do is look at the map with the blinky lights, and wait. This is how it is done here in Europe. In America, we use 3-D satellite LED displays. Not cardboard with Christmas lights stuck through it. A blinky light! She is blinking! Let's go. What is this? A toy? This is my car, Le Maximum. It is illegal now in most of the EU for its massive size. It's so needlessly spacious, I feel guilty. I hate Europe. Madrid, here we come! - Get out of the way. - Stay on the road! Interpol! Watch out, everyone! The Lemur. I knew it. This doesn't make any sense. Why break in, smash some priceless busts and then not steal anything? There must be something bigger going on. But what? I've got it! Sorry. 2:00 PM. My day is over. Wait. Those weirdos, the Muppets, were performing next to the crime scene in Berlin. And here they are, performing right next to the crime scene in Madrid! You know what that means. - Yes, they love museums! - No! They're suspects! Okay. Overtime. We must find these Muppets before they flee the country. To the train station! Hey, Larry, want a bite of my bocadillos? What the... Are you all Les Muppets? Wow, those are big badges! Thank you. Come, come. You must come with us to answer some questions. Kermit, let's begin Describe the day you played Berlin We rehearsed, and then we walked about We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut That night at 10:03 Were you inside the portrait gallery? My alibi is watertight The audience saw me sing all night Monsieur, we know you did the crime I was on stage that whole time Ask who sang Rainbow Connection Thank you, Kermit, no more questions I think it's time for good cop/romantic cop. Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside And now's your chance to save your hide Gentlemen, I did not know It's a crime to steal the show Tell us how the art was taken If you want to save your bacon I haven't seen your missing art All I've stolen is audience hearts We'll catch the swine That did this job Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion Thank you, Piggy, no more questions I think she likes me. Huh? I don't think your puns are helping the investigation. - You know, I think they did it -No, they didn't Yes, they did and we can pin it If they did how did they do it? If they didn't how did they didn't? If they didn't then it's easy 'cause they simply didn't do it If they did it, then I knew it but we've nothing that can prove it Excuse me. Let's go from the start What do you know about the stolen art? I didn't know there was a plan Your accusation's far out, man The chances of us committing a crime are less than .009 I can do an Elvis impression Thank you, Muppets No more questions - They didn't -No, they didn't There's no way they did the crime - They couldn't, they're too stupid -Not criminal masterminds We do not know who did it But we know who didn't do it So we know who didn't do it Yes, we know who didn't do it They're incapable of being culpable! Hi! Come on. Let's go over the files again. Stop digging escape tunnel, frog. How did you know? It's the first escape everyone tries. That's the second escape people try. Oh, boy. Third way! Give up, frog. I have Netflix account with search keywords "prison escape." I have seen every prison movie ever made. Even the ones in space. Yeah, well... Hey, wait a second. That's them! That's my friends! What happened to them? "Dominic Badguy. "An interview with the brains behind "the Muppets' triumphant comeback world tour." What? It seems your friends do not need you anymore. They have forgotten about you. No,no,no. They wouldn't. They couldn't. We're a family. "Family"? No one believes in family in the Gulag, frog. People are only ever out for themselves. Listen, Kermit. We have annual lighthearted Gulag Revue coming up. It is that, or they riot. I thought you might help me. The thing is, Nadya, I'm sort of done doing that, but thanks for the offer. This is not offer. This is prison. You are going to help me. Rehearsals tomorrow, 4:00 AM. Or I put you on The Wall. "The Wall"? Why would I be afraid of a wall? Just direct the show. You'll never escape. What time did you say that rehearsal was? Okay. What about this comedian bear? He is too stupid to be stupid. He must be some sort of genius. Maybe your "Lemur" hunch is correct. Except tor the tact that Les Mu ppets play tomorrow night at the Dublin Theatre. Which just happens to be next door to the Irish National Bank! Maybe your Muppet hunch is... Correct. It's almost as if we're... Not so different after all. Come, come, mon ami! We must follow Les Muppets to Dublin! To Dublin! Kremlin! Putin! No, what are you doing? - Okay, number five, baby. Blow. - Come on. - There you go. You know the routine. - Come on, Diddy Daddy! Hey. guys? Fellas? Whoa, man! Hey, did you see that? Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately? No. You're probably right. It's just me. Bad frog. Enough! You're all terrible. Fix this. Or it's The Wall. Of course. Guys... It's always good to start with an up-tempo song and dance and then go into a comedy routine. But we like Boyz ll Men! It is Big Papa's favorite song. Lot of emotions in that song for him. I'm not learning no other song. I'm a triple threat! A singer, a dancer and a murderer! There you go. How do you like that? Drum solo! Drum solo! When do I do the indoor running of the bulls? What about the band's marathon jam session? Four or five musical numbers. Quiet! Now, look! We are holding auditions tomorrow. And if any of you have a problem with that, any of you, then my door is always open! Thank you, Kermit. This is what we've all been waiting to hear. Teach us, Kermit. We will do whatever frog say. Put it there. Good night, frog. Nice work today. Thanks, Nadya. Even if your friends don't need you, we certainly do. Good night. - Good night, Big Papa. -'Night, Nadya. - Good night, Carl. - Good night, Nadya. - Good night, Prison King. - Good night, Nadya. - Good night, Skullcrusher. - Good night. - Good night, Danny Trejo. - Good night, Nadya. No one believes in family in the Gulag, frog. People are only ever out for themselves. Well, well, well. What's he up to? Gentlemen. I need this review to go into Friday's paper. Super positive. Five stars. I won't be paid off for a review. I'm a journalist. I'm joking, of course. Cash or credit? - What was that? - Rats. Who cares? Hand these tickets out to anyone who will take one. In fact, you may have to actually pay people to come. It's the Muppets. It's not gonna be easy. And I want a standing ovation. Oh, dear. Where does he keep all those suitcases? Let's see here. What's Kermit doing on the cover of this newspaper? Dominic's the bad guy! Dominic's the bad guy! Fozzie! Dominic's the reason we've been selling out our shows! He's been giving away tickets and bribing journalists to write great reviews! Why didn't we ever think of doing that? I mean, that's terrible! The question is, why? And could it have anything to do with why Kermit's been acting so weird lately? Hey, wanna see something funny? Yes, Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog. Fozzie, what does he have to do with what I just told you? Nothing, but check this out. Look, it's Kermit. What did you do with Kermit? Wait a minute. Fozzie... What if Kermit has been replaced by this Constantine guy? Nah, that's impossible. We'd all notice! Wouldn't we? Kermit? Are you there? Hello? Kermit? Everything's fine. Let's get out of here. Wait! We should look around. Kermit's got a big bomb collection. Looks like he's planning some sort of comedy heist bit. I hope not. Those never work. What's that? Oh, no. What, what, What? What? Oh, no. - We got to get out of here! - Yeah! Not so fast. Where's Kermit? What do you want? You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear. - Bad frog! - Animal! - Oh, good boy! - Great job! Thank you. Quick! The freight train! Go, go, go! We got to go back! Warn the others! I tried. They didn't believe me. It's our word against his and, well, he's fooled them all. Should we go to the police? We don't have any evidence! I feel terrible. I'm the one who talked Kermit into doing this tour in the first place. I wish Kermit was here! He would know what to do. You're right. There's only one guy in this world who can save us. Only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right! You are talking about Kermit, right? Yes, Fozzie. Kermit. Good! Great! That's it, guys, that's it! That's good, guys! Come on! And hit it hard! Okay. All right. Yes. Nadya? I think perhaps we should, perhaps, keep it prisoners only. Of course. I just love Broadway. But you are right, Kermit, as ever. Okay. Thank you. Okay, fellas, listen up. Here's who made the cut. Sergei! King! That's you. You are always right, my beautiful amphibian prince. I will never let you go. This is better. What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed. The bear, the little guy and their dog, they are onto us. They got away- How are we gonna spin this? Comrades, I'm afraid I have bad news. Walter and Fonzie have quit the Muppets. Wait. You can quit the Muppets? Wait a second. Walter quit the Muppets? We just did a whole movie where he joined the Muppets. Yeah, we sure spent a lot of time on it. I'll say. Maybe even at the expense of other long-standing, beloved Muppets. Come on, Robin. Coming. Well, as the old saying goes... The show must continue, -in a timely fashion. - Wait. Fozzie and Walter are part of our family. We can't let them go without a fight. Right, Kermit? I know this is hard, Gonzo. Walter and Fonzie were my best friends. Kermit... Are you sure you're okay? Yes, I'm fine, pig. I could never lose you. You complete me. Kermie. Guys, come on! This is gonna be fantastic. We should be celebrating! Yes. Remember, I can give you what you want. - Yeah? - Yeah, right. - I'll keep that in mind. - Say, has anyone seen Animal? Does anybody else feel like we're traveling in circles? There it is! Finally! Do you have evidence to frame the bear? Excellent. Where are the guards? Stay here. I'm going to check on the vault. Stop it! Colonel Blood's locket. Of course. Now grab it. Shawn. Someone's coming. Abort! I think I just saw something. It's headed back towards the theater! - That was close. - Too close. We need to move to final phase three. "Wedding." Hey, Kermit, you can't go out there. It's Piggy's Celine Dion number. Did you see anything? Not a thing. It is my lunch hour. It lasts six hours. Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen! I have an announcement! What? Kermit, I'm in the middle of a song here! Miss Piggy. I have very important question for you. Yeah? What are you doing? Do you wish to become Mrs. Piggy? Or rather, Mrs. The Frog? Kermie, I thought you'd never ask. I really thought you'd never ask! So? What do you say? It's beautiful. Yes! Yes! Of course! Yes! I can't believe this! After all this time, it was finally just so easy! That's right, folks, it's the Muppet wedding the world has been waiting for. We're putting our tour on hold... What? ...to be married in two days' time at the world's most romantic location, the Tower of London. Here's a Muppet newsflash. The years of waiting are over. The biggest "Will they, won't they?" of all times has been answered with a firm, "They will." Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are to be married! That's right, folks. They're finally tying the knot. Well, at least they didn't get the pot of gold. No, they did not. I have never been to a more ridiculous crime scene. The comedian bear, he was here. The Lemur. He, too, was here. Could the comedian bear and the Lemur be one and the same? The comedian bear is the Lemur. That is brilliant. But why would he steal a bunch of old bones? The bones apparently belonged to one Colonel Thomas Blood. He was the only man to ever nearly steal the Crown Jewels of England. Wait! Where did the frog say he was getting married? The Tower of London. The comedian bear is planning on stealing... - The Tower of London! - The Crown Jewels! The Crown Jewels. Sir, where would you like the flowers? Who cares? Hey, chief. Hi-lo. We've all been thinking, and... Well, after you and Miss Piggy get married, what's gonna happen to the tour? And to us? Well, now you guys have all the freedom you want. You don't need me. I'm done with Muppets. But, hey, it's been a good run, right? Good luck. Kermit! Did he just say what I thought he said? What are we gonna do without Kermit? The only thing we can do. Pack up, go to the wedding, and head back home. Foo Foo, it's always been a fight. But this is so easy, it just doesn't feel right. This is my dream come true The day has come for us to say "I do" There's nowhere else I'd rather be Nothing in the world means more to me than you I've waited so patiently I knew you were the only frog for me Always knew this day would come It's written in the stars It's destiny So how can something so right Feel so wrong tonight? After all we've been through Why do I feel I don't know you? We'll settle down and start a family Have a mini you and a mini me A little pink frog and a little green piggy They'll learn to say hello and say goodbye We'll grow gray and old And live the quiet life Just you and I Hand in hand we'll stay together Hey. Look at that sky. Forever and ever So how can something so right Feel so wrong tonight? After all we've been through Why do I feel I don't know you? How can something so right feel so wrong inside? How can something so good leave me feeling so bad? How can my dreams coming true Leave me lonely and blue? How come the happiest day of my life is so sad? How can I feel the high when I feel so low? After all we've been through After coming so far Is this my destiny? Where is the love that's written In the stars? How can something so right Feel so wrong tonight? After all we've been through Why do I feel I don't Know you? Oh, Kermie. - Hey, the show's starting. - Yeah! Lady and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to the Gulag Annual Revue Show! Escapo, you're up after the ballet. Okay. Kermit! Kermit! Kermit. Fozzie. Walter. Animal. We're here to rescue you. Yes! And we've got to go right now! Yeah! Hey! I can't believe you're here. It's so good to see you guys! Kermit, listen. An evil frog named Constantine has taken over the Muppets and replaced you! What? Constantine replaced me? Yeah. And he was working together with Dominic. They're planning something terrible, but we don't know what. But... How could you not have noticed that he'd replaced me, Fozzie? He looked like you and he talked like you. Okay, he didn't talk that much like you, come to think of it. But he said he had a cold. Animal know. "Animal know"? You mean, all this time, I've been locked in a Russian gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets except Animal noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind? It sounds worse than it was. No. It's as bad as it sounds. I thought you guys had forgotten about me. That you didn't need me anymore. We'd never forget about you. We need you more than ever, Kermit. Good frog. Late extra! Late extra! Read all about it! Kermit and Miss Piggy to be married in London! What? Piggy? Piggy's gonna marry the world's most dangerous frog tomorrow? Piggy and the gang are in danger! To London! No. Kermit! Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm in a gulag. Sorry about that, Ivan! It's okay! No problem, Kermit. It's easy mistake. Right. Thanks for not shooting me! Sure. No problem... Hey, nothing personal. We have to escape, guys. Tonight! But how? Kermit. Do you know where these prop pickaxes and shovels are supposed to go for this big mining number? Wait! I've got it! And now, folks, the Great Escapo! Oh, no, you don't. Nice try, Escapo. I sure hope this works, Walter. I have tried a lot of ways to get out of here. This is gonna work, Kermit. I'll see you on the outside. Okay! Gosh, I hope this works. Thank you, thank you, everybody. And now, we're going underground. Working in the coal mine! - Bravo! Bravo! - Bravo! Oh, no. Kermie! I can't believe that worked! We did it! Great work, guys! Now put the pedal to the metal. We have a wedding to crash! Yeah! That's a nice venue. The main entrance is too well-guarded. I'm gonna need to get in some other way. Here you go. You're the new guy? Yes, I am. Next time, wear a uniform. Right. Wow, Kermit, you were like James Bond back there. Thanks, Fozzie. Okay, listen, guys. Walter, you and Animal go look in the chapel. Right. - Fozzie, come with me. - Yes, sir. - Good luck, guys. - You, too, Kermit. Piggy? Where is she? Kermit, these are your clothes. This tuxedo is too tight. Someone's coming! Hide! Hide! Which room am I supposed to be in? Here it is. I hate weddings. What the... There you are. Well, don't just stand there gawping, Number Two. Come in. Let us take this convenient opportunity to review our plans. Once you've stolen the Crown Jewels and framed the Muppets, ring the tower bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof. But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig will know everything. Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast. Champagne fridge delivery. Put it over there on the bear-skin rug. Thank you! It's show time. Fozzie, are you okay? Yeah, I think so. How do I look? You look fine. You look fine. Come on, we have to go rescue Miss Piggy! Right! Let's go! The Lemur! I have you finally! And Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog! No,no,no. As you might say, case sol-ved! Perfect! Time for my annual eight-week paid vacation. No, wait! What am I supposed to do with them until the mobile holding unit arrives? On holiday! No, you've got the wrong frog. And stay there! And so you know, Number Two, I have hired us help. The world's smallest team of jewel thieves. Babies, meet your new boss. Genius, I know! Who would suspect babies of stealing Crown Jewels? Look at their sweet faces. Let's see. Where am I seated? I'll need an usher. Usher? ls there an usher? Yes. I'm the Usher. Pig or frog? What do you think? I don't know, man. Pig? No. Frog. I'm related through marriage. What kind of an usher are you? You're up, little dudes. GO, go: Down. Tip. Come on! What the... Dominic. Hey, Dominic. Shut up. The wedding, it's starting. She looks beautiful. Fozzie, we got to do something. This is so frustrating! Wow, would you look at that? Now that's a poorly made car. Let's get out of here! I'm just happy for them. Really happy for them. - Would you please stop talking? - Okay. Dearly beloved... What! Code Red! Code Red! Oh, come on. - Not a laser web. - Pretty. Right. Go and get the suspend-y ropey thing. - And my really cool skintight outfit. - Yep. Shawn, come back from vacation! Constantine and the Lemur have escaped. The Crown Jewels are in danger! We are gathered here today to witness the union of this pig and this frog in Holy Matrimony before the presence of God. Do you, Kermit the Frog, take Miss Piggy to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, so help you God? Yes. Yes, I do. And do you, Miss Piggy, take Kermit the Frog to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, so help you God? I...- I...- Just say "I do." This is what you've always wanted, right? I do? I'm sorry, is that a question? No, it was not a question. We have to do something, guys. Kermit, we've got to get you close to Miss Piggy! What does this do? - What the... - Piggy, it's me, Kermit. Come on, we have to get out of here! The wedding is off. Oh, wow! Like, I kind of knew he'd get cold flippers. Excuse us. No, Kermit! What are you doing? - Piggy, I will explain later. - I cannot believe... Come here, frog! Where you going? I'm sorry, my dear, forgive me. What is going on at my wedding? - Gotcha! - What? Animal, pull! What is happening here? Catch froggie! Catch froggie! Well, this is the best Muppet wedding ever! Piggy, listen! That's not me! I'm me! He's Constantine, the world's most dangerous... Two Kermits? Well, that explains a lot. How can there be two Kermits? Of all the ways to ruin a wedding, this has got to be the most creative. Two Kermits! No, just one Kermit. Me. No, no, no. Do not listen to him! I am the real Kermit. That's ridiculous! I am Kermit the Frog! No, I am Kermit the Frog! Hi-lo, Kermit the Frog, here. "Hi-lo?" It's "Hi-ho!" Would every Kermit be quiet! Well, there's only one sure way to settle this. First Kermit. Will you marry me? Yes, of course, let's go! The helicopter is waiting, my love! And you, the other Kermit... Will you marry me? Well, I mean, I... I would. I mean, I could. It's... That's my Kermit! That's our frog! Kissy-kissy! That is right, Muppets! I am Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal! And a thousand times more frog than this Kermit person! And now, I have only one thing to say to you fools! Good night, folks! What is that? It's a bomb! This is where my patented magnetic bomb-attractor vest can aid us, that Beaker is conveniently wearing. What? What's going on? Wait! Miss Piggy's ring is the bomb! Some of you guys grab Piggy, and some of you guys grab me. Pull! That's only 800 years old. Nicely done, Beaker! Kermit! Help! - Piggy! - Help! She's on the roof! Shut up and keep moving, pig! You are my insurance policy! Number Two, you look ridiculous. Why are you wearing that? Because I am the Lemur. And the world's new number one criminal. That's right. This is where I double-cross you. First rule of double-cross. You don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule because it is so obvious. The Lemur is literally the worst bad guy name I have ever heard! Let's go! Oh, no! He's getting away! What are we gonna do? I'm gonna stop that helicopter. We're coming! Hang on, Miss Piggy! Jump! Shut up, pig! Kermit! We have to do something! I got it! There's only one way we can reach him up there! Muppet Ladder! - What the... - Kermit! Come on up, Chef! Watch the hair, bear. Give up, Constantine. I've got you now! Bad move, frog. Kermit! Okay, Kermit, we're coming to get you. Now! No, something's wrong. We're not moving. You're ruining my getaway! Hang on, Piggy! I'm coming! Go get 'em, Kermit! Kermie! Welcome aboard, Kermit. You don't know who you're dealing with. I am the world's most dangerous frog. Oh, brother! You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a frog! No one tricks me into marrying them and then hurts my Kermie! What a woman! Yeah. My woman. And I believe this belongs to you. Well, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding. Oh, Kermie. I'm so glad you did. Okay. Can we get down now? We did it, guys! What an action sequence! You sure look pretty, Miss Piggy. Thank you. Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels! And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable! - I'm not adorable. - He is adorable. You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit? The bad guy is Dominic Badguy! Well, mon ami, I guess this is where we say goodbye. You go your way, and I go mine. Here comes the rain. Oh, boy. And I said I wasn't going to do this. Pull yourself together, man. Stop crying. We're only saying our final farewell. Goodbye forever! I'm going to miss you so much! I'm going to miss you, my French friend. Whenever you're ready. - Yes. - Yes, of course. - Take them away! - Take them away! - Thank you. - Au revoir, Muppets. 'BYE-bye. -see you! You're number two - Sam. - Shut up. Sam! Wait for me! You know, I missed all of you so much. There he is, right there! Arrest him! Arrest that frog! Nadya? Wait. For what? For leading the largest mass break-out in Gulag history. You will get 30 years. Maybe 50. - But - No "buts," Kermit. You didn't finish Gulag Annual Revue, and you didn't even say goodbye. - What? - What? You are coming with me. Now, move! Fellas, listen. Easy. No, no, no! Kermit! Wait! We're sorry, Kermit. We're sorry that we didn't notice you were missing. We're sorry we didn't tell you often enough how much you mean to all of us. We're sorry we ever took you for granted. But that's never going to happen again. Because if Kermit has to go back to the gulag, you'll have to take me, too. No. You're my best friend, Kermit. Wherever you go, I go. You'll have to take me, too. And me. Kermit, we convinced ourselves that evil frog was you because he gave us what we thought we wanted. When what we really wanted... What we really needed... Was you, Kermit. The actual, real you. It would appear you were right, Kermit. I guess this is your family. And families belong together. You are free to go. Forever. Kermit, did you hear that? We're free! Nadya, thank you! Great! That's wonderful! Wait! Hey, guys, listen. We still have to finish our world tour. And I know where we need to play next. For one night only, Siberia, Russia! Yes, yes! I'll pack my swimsuit right away! Wonderful! It's terrible. You will hate it. You will hate it. Okay, guys, this is it. The Gulag Finale! Here we go! A-one, two, three, four! Together again, again Gee, it's good to be together again, again I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone It's not starting over It's just going on Together again, again Now we're here And there's no need remembering when Because no feeling feels like that feeling Together again Again, again, again! Together again, again Gee, it's good to be together again, again I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone It's not starting over It's just going on Together again, again Now we're here And there's no need remembering when 'Cause no feeling feels like that feeling Together again Again I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone It's not starting over It's just going on Together again, again Gee, it's good to be together again, again 'Cause no feeling feels like that feeling Together a-... Together again! Okay, Nadya, this is it. Your solo. Kermit! Oh, boy. - Hey, pull the rope! - Oh, right. This cast is really heavy. Row, come here. Come here, come here. Yeah, what do you got there? Take this. You should have negotiated I believe I may have something that could help. This is my automated end-crawl operating machine. All I have to do is push this button and it will crawl all by itself. Let's try this. Another qualified success. Check this out. You can go home now, Ma. The movie is over.
Afghan Hound, Angel Marie, Annie Sue, Armadillo, Aretha, Behemoth, Beautiful Day Monster, Bill, Black Dog, Blind Pew, Blustering Bellowpane Monster, Bubba the Rat, Bulls, Brewster, Cactus, Calico, Captain Pighead, Carter, Catgut, Cockatoo (extended cut), Cows, Clueless Morgan, Croaker, Dead Tom (as Thomas Blood), Dr. Julius Strangepork, Droop, The Early Bird, Ernst Stavros Grouper, Flaubert, Flash, Frackles, Frogs, Geri and the Atrics drummer, Gil, Gorillas, Gramps, Howard Tubman, J.G., Jacques Roach, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy's offspring, Koala (extended cut), Leroy, Mad Monty, Mahna Mahna, Marvin Suggs, Mildred Huxtetter, Muppaphone, Muppets Tonight Band drummer, The Mutations, Murray the Minstrel, Nigel, Old Tom, One-Eyed Jack, Pigs, Pigeon, Pokey, Polly Lobster, Quongo, Rats, Rover Joe, Shark, Sheep, Snowths, Spamela Hamderson, Spotted Dick, Thingy-Thing, Thog, Trumpet Girl, T.R., Unicorn, Undertaker, Walleye Pike, Wanda, Wander McMooch, Whatnots