Movie Date: December 16, 2005
Red Riding Hood, you probably know the story. But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say, you can't judge a book by its cover. If you want to know the truth, you've gotta flip through the pages. Granny! It's me, Red! Is everything okay? Oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on in. What? - Who are you? - I'm your grandma. Your face looks really weird, Granny. I've been sick. I... Your mouth doesn't move when you talk. Plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done. Now, come on over here. Let's... have a look at you. So, what's goin' on, Grandma? This and that, doing a lot of quilting. So, you got the loot? Whoa. What big hands you have. Oh, all the better to scratch my back with. - And what big ears you have! - All the better to hear your... ...many criticisms! Old people just have big ears, dear. And Granny, what big eyes you have! Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm gettin'? You came here for a reason, didn't ya? So tell old Granny what you got in the basket! Ah! Granny! What bad breath you have! - All right! - Ah! You again? What do I have to do, get a restraining order? Settle down, little girl. I'm on to you. - Hai-ya! - Save it, Red Fu. You been dodgin' me all day, but now you might as well give up. Ahh! Ha! You crazy wolf! What have you done with Granny? I'm taking Granny down, and you're next! - Granny! - It's you! But you... Chief Grizzly, are the suspects - connected with the Goody Bandit? - Yeah, uh... No. Don't print that, Maxine. We don't know anything yet. Is the house made of gingerbread? - Don't think so. - Do bears eat gingerbread? That's enough with the questions. Jerry, come on! Get these people back! All right, back it up! Let the chief do his job! Come on, you, with the feathers, back behind the snake. I just want to go home and hibernate. - Bill! - Chief! - All right, what do we got? - It's a domestic disturbance. Breaking and entering, wielding an ax without a license, intent to eat. I get it. Any connection with the recipe robberies? You mean the Goody Bandit? Could be. The house belongs to Granny Puckett. - The cookbook lady? - Yeah, that's the one. Hmm. OK, Paul Bunyan was swinging the ax, and Wolfie was trying to eat Lil' Bit. - All right, get a muzzle on that guy. - I can explain everything. You can explain it to the judge. - Shouldn't you be in school? - Shouldn't I have a lawyer? Uh... What are you doing? - Hey. We was just... - I was just smelling it. - Don't eat that. That's evidence. - Right. All right, so this looks pretty open-and-shut. Little Miss Rosy Cakes making covert deliveries to the goody tycoon, Wolfie tries to eat 'em both, then Crazy Flannel Pants with the ax here busts in swinging vigilante-style. Take 'em downtown, boys. It's the woods, chief. We don't have a downtown. You know what I mean. Just book 'em! Not so fast, Grizzly. That's the problem with you bears, always growling up the wrong tree. - Hey, Nicky! - You on the case, Nick? No, just stopping by to have a sarsaparilla. Say, Tommy, you lose some weight? - Uh, no. - Didn't think so. Nicky Flippers. What are you doing here? This is my case. Well, someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights, thought the circus was in town. Now, of course, I see I was right. You're too late, Nicky. I got this case all wrapped up. - Is that right? - Yeah. They got us all wrong, Mr. Flippers. Oh, I don't know, you look pretty dangerous to me. - What's your name? - Red. - And why do they call you that? - Why do they call you "Flippers"? Go Flippers - Jump! Get on! - Go Flippers Go Flippers Go Flippers - - Uh, no reason. They call me Red because of this red hood I wear. - What about when you're not wearing it? - I usually wear it. Recipes have come up missing all over the forest. Goody shops have been going out of business for months, and the trail ends here. I got a case to close. Slow down, chief. We've got four suspects, and that means four stories, and if you get people talking long enough, someone will spill the beans. - Beans? - Could I just make a quick phone call? Aaah! I'll tell you what happened. What's with the handcuffs on a girl? Her wrists could slip right out. - How about a cage? - Bring in the cage! - I was being sarcastic. - Sarcasm. Strike the cage. All right, get the cuffs off her. So, Red, why don't you explain how this all began? Well, like any other day. I was making deliveries for my Granny's goody shop. @ Ba ba ba-da-ba-da @ Ba ba @ Ba ba ba ba @ Ba ba ba @ Here's a story I hope @ You'll like @ It's the one about the girl riding on her bike - @ I know - Hi, Red! @ It's a tired old tale but it still rings true - Hey, Red. - @ She could never be rude - @ Or unkind - Hey! @ But a sad song played at the back of her mind @ Oh @ Can someone show me a different day @ To take me away @ Take me out of the woods @ Great big world @ You know what I'm wanting for you @ You know what I'm wanting for you @ What I'm wanting for you @ Wanting for you Ahh! @ Oh @@ Hey, Red! Oh! Nice outfit. Always red with you. - You must be in autumn. - Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today? Oh, he closed up shop. Someone took all his recipes last night, and now I'm out of a job. Gee, Boingo, I'm really sorry. Are you still running the cable car? Yeah, yeah, I am. But it's nothing like making goodies all day. Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better? Oh, boy, oh, boy! Thanks, Red. I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascally devil. Yeah, well, the woods don't go around by themselves. Shut it down. - Come on, let's go. - Where are we going now, Mama? With the Goody Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone would know what to do, she would. I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady. Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny. What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out. Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, for safekeeping. A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl. I'm not so little anymore. Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there, and everything will be fine. - But... - I have to go now. My program's on. - Kisses. - What you reading, Red? "Far Away Places"? - Are you going somewhere far away? - No. The world is too dangerous. Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid! I'm OK. I'll walk it off. You can't go away. Who's gonna ride the Goody Bike? If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain, and the next one and the next one... But I can't. I'm just a kid. I'm just a woodpecker. - - Uh-oh. "You're next"? What... what does it mean, "you're next"? Ruined. It means someone wants our recipes. Are they gonna get your recipes? Not today. So you deliberately took your Granny's recipes from the family vault, without permission. - Help yourself. - And then, you set out on a dangerous journey up the mountain... ...alone? - Yeah. I guess I did. @ Critters have feelings @ Well, critters have feelings @ Critters have feelings @ Well, critters have feelings too @ Critters have feelings Critters have feelings I guess running the cable car's not so bad, you know. It's a great way to see the forest without worrying about all those big, mean, hairy beasts out there. - Beasts? - Oh, yeah, you know, beasts. The wolves and the bobcats and the mountain lions and the saber-tooth tigers! But mostly wolves. - Mostly wolves. - The forest can be a dangerous place for a little guy like me, with my cute... Look at me, I'm fuzzy... You deliver up this far? Well, not usually. But I was thinking about what you told me earlier. About the Muffin Man? I need to protect Granny's recipes from that Bandit's evil plan. They're gonna shut down everyone in the forest if we're not careful. Aaah! Aah! Aah! - No! - Aaah! Ohh! Aah! Whoa! Ohh! Aaah! - - 'Afternoon. Hello. So you're the little girl in the red hood. That was quite a bit of falling you did just now. - You saw that. - Yeah, gravity's working. Those old cable cars on the... You should write a letter. Wow! Something smells good. Those, uh... goodies in there? I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. No, you shouldn't. Good call. What are you doing in the big, bad forest? You taking the goodies to someone in particular? - Um... my granny. - Granny? Granny Puckett? The goody lady? My goodness, she makes some good... goodies. She's got a thing, it's like a... It's like a... cookies. Shortbread, chocolate icing between, very... It's good. Ah, it's very good. You make deliveries to your granny often? I don't think I should tell you that. Oh, you don't have anything else in that? You ask a lot of questions, mister. Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look. I'd rather you didn't. Red! Red Riding Hood! Hand over the basket. Aaah! Red! You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you, and your little Granny too! Well, that settles it. - We got our Bandit. - Could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch. Chickens? You've gotta admit, a wolf stopping kids in the middle of the forest... - That's pretty creepy. - Right. Yes, yes. But we don't arrest people for being creepy. Yeah, Bruce. You know that guy we got in the tank? - The creepy one? - Yeah. Better let him go. So you went on to Granny's? I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain. Hello! Hello. I'm looking for Granny Puckett's house. @ Granny Puckett - Could you stop singing for one moment? - @ No, I can't, I wish I could @ But a mountain witch done put a spell on me 37 years ago @ And now I gotta sing everything I say - Everything? - That's right. You just talked! Just now! Did I? @ Did I? @ Did I, did I, did I doo-dah, doo-dah did-i-doo - Granny? - What's that? Who's there? It's Red. I'm on my way to come see... Oh, my dearie, I'm not prepared. I need to put down fresh doilies! Aah! - Granny! Granny, what's wrong? - Gotta go, munchkin. Bonsai! Oh, no. Mr. Goat, my granny's in trouble. I've gotta find a way around the mountain, fast. @ Well, you came to the right goat Oh, good. More singing. @ Thirty-seven years ago a witch done put a spell on me Yeah. I know. @ A spell where when I'm talking I'm singing it with glee @ But when you're always singing you've got to live alone @ That's why I made this mountain shack my home That's great... @ When you're on the mountain there's lots to be a-feared @ That's why this here old mountain goat's prepared @ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do These tunnels, I need one that leads to Puckett Grove. Ohh. @ But I got horns that open bottles and I got horns that hold my keys @ I got horns that when you turn 'em right @ They help me watch TV @ I got horns that open pickle jars and horns that come with hair @ I got horns that hang my other horns @ I always come prepared - Can you help me find? - @ To be prepared, to be prepared @ This lesson must be shared This lesson must be shared @ To be prepared @ To be prepared, to be prepared @ And unless you've got a spare @ You've got one life so handle it with care - Aaah! - Yipee! Keep your hands and feet inside of the vehicle at all times! Whoo-wee! @ An avalanche is coming and I do not feel prepared @ It's rumbling like a mountain lion I must say that I'm scared @ And if not for the witch's spell you'd hear just how I scream @ But since I'm only singing I'll just yodel till we're creamed Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Red! Granny? Use the hood, Red! Use the hood! What? @ I was prepared! Granny! It's me, Red. Is everything OK? Oh, yeah, sure thing. So this wolf, he was dressed as your grandmother? - Yes. - I'm your grandma. - And you bought that? - No, not really. Whoa. What big hands you have. And what big ears you have. What bad breath you have! What big eyes you have. Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting? Then the fellow with the ax burst in? Aaah! - Whoa! Whoa! No, no, not yet. First I was attacked by that crazy wolf! Hai-ya! You crazy wolf! My granny jumped out of a closet. - Aaah! - But she was tied up... And then the axman cometh? You got it. Only he was screaming. Arghh? Like a maniac. - Wow. - Hmm. - So that was it? - That wolf was gonna eat us all. The guy's pawprints are all over the room. Book him! Hold the phone, fuzzy-wuzzy. Let's hear it from the wolf's mouth. - Don't I get a drink? - No! So, Mr. Wolf, may I call you "Wolf"? You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers. Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at three-to-five in an old shoe with no windows! So start singing! - Your face looks familiar. - I get around the forest. What do you for a living, Mr. Wolf? I'm a shepherd. Hey! You might as well confess. I told them everything! Could you keep her away from me, please? I remember you. Three years ago on the Stiltskin case. You were snooping around for a lead on his real name. I was close too. I was gonna go with "Greg." Greg Stiltskin. Wait a minute, Flippers! You saying this guy's a cop? Worse. He's a reporter. - A what? - And I've got the real story. I'm an investigative journalist. You've probably read my column Facts and Fairy Tales. I spent the last six months undercover investigating the so-called "Goody Bandit." As more recipes go missing, the trail has gotten hotter. - Huh? - And I'm talking hot coffee, hot coffee, all over my neck. Very, very painful. People think a health board examiner doesn't lead a dangerous life, but I will tell you, my furry friend, food is dangerous. That's why Kenny told me to come and take a look. - Who? - Your boss, Kenny. - You mean Earl? - That's what Earl said. He said, uh, "Kenny, come down here," and so, here I am. I'm surprised your dessert counter hasn't been hit, with all the thievery going around. - What did you say your name was? - Shaw. Rick Shaw. I'm in from Japan. Well, Kenny, I'm gonna give you a clean bill of health. But I'm gonna need the names of all your suppliers. - You'll have to talk to Earl. - Well, that's Earl right now. Probably called the FDA. You keep that thing groomed. And watch out for hot coffee. Painful. No desserts. Waste of time. The little delivery girl in the red hood. Always on the go. More goodies pass through her hands than anyone's in the whole forest. She seemed happy... ...a little too happy, perhaps. Oh! Creepy. I was starting to have my suspicions. Question: Who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood? Aaah! - Twitchy, you scared me. - Hey, boss, I beeped you. Get my beep? - Calm down. - I got up early. Got the gear. I was watching the girl like you told me to. - Yeah. Did you see where she went? - Past porcupines and the bird's tree, guy with the beard, now she's up the creek! She sings everywhere! I'm way ahead of you. We gotta find out who she's working for. - You got the camera? - The 220x and photograb with autofocus! - Color or black and white? - Doesn't matter. - I brought a flash! - Put that away! - It's covert. No flash. - Undercover, got it. Nobody sees, nobody knows. Click-click. Hee-hee. You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee? I don't drink coffee! Hmm... Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon. I decided to get the word on the street from one of my top informants. - How's it going, Woolworth? - Man, what are you doing here? The shepherd comes by and sees me talking to you, I'm gonna get the crook. Yeah? There's a bigger crook on the loose that I'm concerned about. - What ya hear about the Goody Bandit? - What do I know? - Hiya, Twitchy. - - The little girl in the red hood. - Don't know, never heard of her. Little Red? Processing... Yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me now. Sweet gal. Not like that Bo Peep. Brat put in an invisible fence. I tasted my own fillings for a week! Focus! The girl in the hood. You get around the mountain. Who does she work for? How should I know? I ain't that curious. Family business. Ain't you ever heard of Granny Puckett? - Puckett? - Her grandma. The Granny Puckett? You pulling the wool over my eyes? Ha-ha. Hilarious. Come up with that yourself? That's funny. - You're looking pretty tasty. - Why you gotta be like that? All I know is that the old lady lives up high in the hills. - Not a lot of visitors. - Except the little girl. She's been known to take the cable car up the mountain. Cable car? Those sheep made me hungry. After this, we're grabbing a bite. Sounds good. Sounds good. Baa. I don't know what to do. Should I call her? - Am I supposed to play it cool? - Keeping her options open. Seeing other people. You should do the same. Shh. Up there. Do you mind? Ooh. Sorry. Hey, you deliver up this far? The Muffin Man... Granny's recipes... ...an evil plan. ...shut down everyone in the forest... I knew it. She's working for the old lady. Twitchy. Aaah! Aaah! Ooh! Uhh! Uhh! Ooh! Ugh! Ouch! - - Ohh! Ahh! Ohh! - - 'Afternoon. Hello. So you're the little girl in the red hood. That's quite a bit of falling you did just now. Gravity's working. What are you doing in the big, bad forest? You taking goodies to someone in particular? Um... Granny. You don't have anything else in that basket? - You ask a lot of questions, mister. - Well, I'm a curious guy. - Let me have a look. - I'd rather you didn't. I mean, "please." Come back here! - What are you doing? - Sorry, I was winding. Come on! We're gonna lose her! Red! Red Riding Hood! We'll never catch her. Taxi! Whoa! That was her. We passed her. Right here's fine. Suspect is approaching on foot, stolen recipes in basket. I'm about to catch her red-handed. - - Hand over the basket! - Aaah! - Hyahh! So you really took a beating... ...from a little girl? - Hey! - Hai-yah! - Ooh! Get back here, you little brat! @ One, two, buckle to you Ready or not, here I come @ Don't you run away @ A-B-C, I can read And the sign up ahead said @ Son, you're the 1-2-3-4 Knock on the door @ Open up, gotta run away @@ OK. Not cool. Ahhh! You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you, and your little Granny too! Well, that's fishy. What? They're evil. I'll prove it! - So can we eat? - Sure. You hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? 'Cause that's what's for lunch. - What do we do? - We go right to the source. We gotta get to Granny's before the kid. - Is it a surprise? - Excuse me? You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. Is it her birthday, or what is it? Is there a shindig? 'Cause I'm great at parties. - Watch me pull myself out of a hat! - Yeah. Big surprise party. You know how to get there? Oh, yeah. Yeah. In fact, I know a shortcut. You hear that? He knows a shortcut. Over the woods and through the river... No, you don't want to go through the river, you'll get all wet. You see, Twitchy, you get lemons, you make lemonade. And then that lemonade goes bitter and ferments and turns to pig swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy. Sure thing, boss. Never trust a bunny! The bright side is, at least I finally dried off. Ohh! Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless, not to mention he wrote directions on an Easter egg, - which is hard to read. - We're gonna die here! Hey, now, that's what they said at The Alamo. Wha... what was that? Who's that? Aaah! Uhh! Hey, look where we are. More cave. - Hey, whazzi-lookie! - With God as my witness, you will learn to speak. Look! A way out. But I was just... Ahh! Follow me. Hmm... - Huh? - Come on. @ Train @ Train @ Living like a bandit @ Now, this is a shortcut. Whazzat? Sounds like an avalanche! Well, Twitchy, that's natural. It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss. Hey, lookie! A box of candles! A big box! Box of candles? Light 'em up! Wow, that's nice and bright. What kind of candles are those? - Deen-a-meet-tay. Must be Italian. - Ah! Lose the candle! - But I... - Ahhh! Got it. Ahhh! Aaahhh! - Did you hear something? - Hm? Hm. Come on, let's get to Granny's. Hello! Paper boy. Publisher's, uh... Candygram. What do we do, boss? Ohh! Lucky for me, Granny keeps her merchandise around the cottage. Disguise was the only way to catch this girl in the act of smuggling. Sweetie-pie! Sugar plum! Hug your granny, little pudding pop. Aww! Boy, that's hot. OK, change of plans. - You can be Granny. - She's coming! - Wa-dee-dee! - Ohh! Granny! It's me, Red. - Is everything OK? - Yeah, sure thing. Come on in. Pretty thin, Wolf. You said the old lady was already tied up. - How did that happen? - I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news, chief, I don't make it. For a reporter, you have a strange way of doing your job. What can I say? I was raised by wolves. - Got a way to back this up? - I got these pictures developed. That so? Let's have a look. These are good. - Here's a nice one of you, Wolf. - Ugh! I wanna do a gallery show. A coffee table book. I don't drink coffee. A Chai tea latte book. Photos don't lie, chief. - Good work, Twitchy. - Arghh. Now, I want to know more about this fellow with the ax. How does he fit into all of this? Maybe you should "ax" him yourself. You see? "Ax" him? He was saying... I'll bring him in. Ohh! Hmm. Hello. My, my. You're a big fellow, aren't you? - Shop at the Big and Tall store? - This is a big and tall mistake. I would not hurt a butterfly. Then what's this? A letter opener? That's a funny accent you got there, choppy. I can do the cowboy accent. Howdy, partner! Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, hopalong, you think you could rustle up information? I will do my best. How about explaining what you were doing in the forest? Oh! I am working to make good my call-back! Your what-what? Paul's Bunion Cream has a soothing formula to make the bunions head for the hills! - This guy's a loon. - Watch it, chief. My mama's half-loon. Your call-back. You mean, like, for an audition? Yes! For the bunion cream. I must find my wood-cutting self to book the spot. - The what? - The commercial. - He's an actor. - Oh, boy. Arghh! Paul's Bunion Cream has the soothing formula... No, hold it! Hold it! - Stop. "Arghh"? - Uh-huh. What are you, some kind of German pirate or something? I just got the script, like, 5 minutes ago. - You're not getting it. - I'm trying. - My name Kirk. - Kirk. Okay, Kirk. What makes you feel proud and strong and mighty? What puts a-- a fire in your belly, Steven? - Oh! My dream! - Yes, yes! Your dream! To travel the world with the greatest singing group of all time... ...the Happy Yodelers! @ To yodel for the people @ To hear the applause @ My dream @ - - Sorry. Listen. We'll look at your tape and we'll give you a call, OK? Thanks for coming in. Have a nice life. Next! That was my first audition in months. - - Then it was back to my day job. I drive a schnitzel truck. It's not such a bad job. After all, I bring much joy to the children! @ Schnitzel! Mommy, Mommy! I want a schnitzel stick! Ooh, the schnitzel man! @ Schnitzel, the favorite treat For little girls and boys to eat @ Schnitzel man can serve them quick @ It's a schnitzel on a stick @ No more spoons Use your hands @ Says the friendly schnitzel man @ Make sure you keep an extra one @ For later in your lederhosen - Schnitzel! - Ow! - @ Schnitz... - What the schnitzel? My schnitzel truck, it's been piddly... piddle-llaged... They stole everything! Oh, that's too bad. It's not easy being in the goody business these days, huh? I'm getting schnitzeled left and right today. I cannot even sell the bunion cream. - Now I'm gonna lose my job! - Chin up, mister. Maybe someday somebody will open up a great big goody shop and we can all work for that little guy. - Oh, yeah... What? - Uhh... - Hello? - Kirk! Yeah, baby, listen. We got the client here, we looked at your tape, and we think we might have a real "Hercules goes bananas" angle on this. - So we want you to come back in. - Come back in? It's a call-back. I had always heard about call-backs, but I had never gotten one! A call-back? Ahh! What do I do? You come back tomorrow, do the same you did today, only this time you do it good. Can you handle that? - I will. I can do it! - OK. Now, I want you to go out into the wild and I want you to find that tree-chopping side of yourself. You find your inner woodsman, Curtis. Don't act like a woodsman, be a woodsman. Got it? Yes, I can! Find an ax, start swinging, OK? I've gotta be in a circle wipe across town, but I'll see you at 10:00. I have to go and find the little woodsman... ...in me! OK. Well, tell him I said hello. Ay! Ay-ay-ay-ay! Ooh! Ha-ha! Goodbye! Hup, hup! - - Sorry, little birds! Run! I had done it! I had found the little woodsman inside of me! Yes. Paul's... Bunion... ...Cream... ...has the soothing formula... ...to make your bunions... ...head for the hills! Right! ...bunion... ...cream... ...has the soothing... ...formula... Hello? Ohh... Oh, schnitzel! Aah! Aah! Ohh! Ohh! Aahhh! I'm taking Granny down, and you're next! Aahhh! So you didn't jump through the window, you were pushed? - Yes. - By a tree. Yes. Because you were pretending to be a woodsman. - That's right! - To sell foot cream. I got the call-back! And good for you. Well, I think it's safe to say that our thespian friend here knows the least about anything of anyone in this room. Exactly! What does that mean? That it all points to Granny. What about it, Granny? Maybe you're not the sweet goody-maker everyone thinks you are. Are you stealing recipes to protect your sugar-coated kingdom? Oh, no, Mr. Flippers. The only crime I've ever committed is making my goodies unlawfully delicious! My granny doesn't keep secrets. And even if she did, she'd tell me about it. We tell each other everything. Right, Granny? Sure, dear. Mostly. - Mostly? - What are you hiding, old girl? My family worries too much. I didn't want them to find out. - Find out what? - Yeah. What? - - Hey, chief! Check this out! All gasp When did they make that a sport? I noticed you have three G's tattooed on the back of your neck. That's appropriate, since there are three strikes against you. It's true. I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the extreme. @ Here come the real G @ She don't need bling-bling She got a set of wings @ From all the fame and the pain that she brings @ Neck and neck you know she gets respect @ She's like a special effect with every record she wrecks @ You think you see Aunt B but you get Mr. T @ Underneath the beehive is the new Bruce Lee @ I count to three before you see a ball of four-foot-three @ With the money for nothing and her tricks for free @ Seventy-five, alive and a hardcore biddy @ Still making half pipe hand plants look pretty @ In the woodie with the goodies for the Jacks and Jills @ More power to the granny with the skills @ A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl. I'm not so little anymore. Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there, and everything will be fine. - But... - I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. Time to shred some powder! Time to shred some powder! I didn't have time for Red to visit today. I was on my way to the big Xtreme Dream Snowsports Competition. I've been training three months for this one. Nothing but solid snow, and the top maniacs are here to teach this mountain a lesson. @ Buck teeth Bark in my claws @ I'm a tree critter @ Sticks and stones are my bread and bones @ I'm a tree critter - Triple G, what's up, baby? - Granny, what's happening? What up, my homeys? You ready to get spanked? So, what's the dizzo, grizzo? You ready to floss that hill, playa? - Fo' shizzle! - Yeah, gimme some love. G, you checking the hardcore European team over there? Those guys put the Saber-Tooth Brothers in the hospital yesterday! On the real, it's gonna be wicked out there! You let me worry about those player-haters. Oh, I almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles. - Yo! - Tight! Yeah, snicker-doodles! Give it up! Give it up! Snickadeedoo! @ You can take the critter out of the tree @ But you can't take the tree out of the tree critter's needs @ Now this critter's gotta run with the birds and the bees Well, what's your name? Just put, "To my biggest and cutest fan, Boingo." And then, like, put some X's and O's and a little smiley-face. All contestants to the starting line! - Oh, yeah. - Be careful, Granny Puckett. Old ladies get hurt on these slopes. Bring it, honey. Aahhh! Yo, Granny! I know you did not just swing your pole at me! - You're little! You're small! - Yeah? Well, take that, yo! Whoa-oh-oh-oh! - Yeah. - Watch that skier! - Whoa! Look out! - So it's like that? You wanna play now? Get some of this! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Woo-hoo! That must have been right about when Red called me the second time. I always forward my phone when I leave the house. - Granny? - What's that? Who's there? - Take that, from Mr. Big Muscleman! - Want some of this? Ha-ha! Gotta go, munchkin! Bonsai! - Uhh! - Uhh! Ya! Ohh! Aww! Oh, you're not so bad! - Who do you work for? - I can't tell you that. - Young man, you tell me this instant! - All right! We were hired by the Bandit! Who is the Bandit? - Ha! - Granny is finished. Now we go after the little red-hooded girl. Red! Ooh! Ooh! Oohhh! 'Afternoon. Oh, applesauce. @ Eva Deanna My sister is your mama @ She fell from heaven like a loaf of manna @ Put her in pajamas and read her a book about animals @ The way they sound and how they look @ She likes to stomp around @ She buckles on her shoes to make it loud @ Singing the wheels on the bus go round and round @ I hold her ankles up so she can dangle upside-down @ An avalanche is coming and I do not feel prepared It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss. Woo-ha-ha! Ahh! @ You can't rearrange her @ She's no stranger to danger @ Whoa, oh, oh, oh Whoa, oh, oh @ With golden locks on her head @ I wish I had a video camera! Whoo! @ Rolling on the edge @ Of the afternoon @ The glow of the sun @ Tells you that your day is not done @ Pay the clock hand no mind @ I can't rewind @ But time is a friend of mine Red! Granny? Use the hood, Red! Use the hood! Ah, that's my girl. @ Ba-ba, da-dum-ba-ba-ba-ba @ Ba-ba, da-dum-ba-ba-ba-ba @ And it's all right I guess it's just one of those days. @ Rollin' in the afternoon @ Whoa... whoa, whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa! Uhh! What do we do, boss? Sweetie-pie! Sugar plum! Boy, that's hot. OK, change of plans. - You can be Granny. - She's coming! Wee-dee-dee. Hi. Granny! It's me, Red. Is everything OK? Yeah, sure thing. Come on in. Eventually I was able to use the squirrel to break down the door. Ow! That hurts! I'm taking Granny down, and you're next! I could've handled that wolf myself. But then the craziest thing happened. Honey, don't look at your granny like that. I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G. Or are you the Bandit? Awkward! - You're being ridiculous, Red. - I'm being ridiculous? You're off living... la vida loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills, and I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl? - I have a... - Coffee break, anyone? - Yeah. - Who's got my keys? You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage? - Excuse us. - I thought you were happy. - Excuse us. - I thought you were happy. Open your eyes. I've never even been outside the forest. Don't you think I want more than that? Of course you do. You're a Puckett. I don't know what that means anymore. - Hey, look! It's Little Red! - No, it's just some kid. - She's not wearing the red hood. - There she goes! - Excuse me! - Little girl! @ Everything is changing @ You're looking for the cure @ And you feel like you're the loneliest girl @ In the world @ Trouble in your head, now @ You don't know what to do @ Seems like up is down and red @ Is blue @ Because red is blue @ Doesn't make much sense @ But red is blue @ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh @ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh @ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh @ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh How do you remember all these recipes? They're all right here in this book. Every recipe in here comes from the Puckett family, generation after generation. See? Now, there's Sylvia Puckett at the North Pole. She found the best hot chocolate in the world there. And there's Emma Puckett. She flew cheesecakes across the Atlantic. For as long as critters have had a sweet tooth, Pucketts have been making and collecting recipes all over the world, refining them, giving them that special Puckett touch. So you see, Red, when you put that hood on, you carry on a grand tradition. It's a big job, making sure the world stays sweet. Huh? What's this? Oh, it says, "World's Greatest Grandma." Grandma, I can read. It says, "Battle of the Iron Cage Gladiators." A-ha! Ahh! - Granny? - Listen, munchkin. If there are two things your Granny doesn't do, it's lie and play extreme sports. @ In your heart there's a room where you lock away @ All the times and the things that she said @ And now red is blue @ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh @ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh @ - Is it a flush that beats a full house? - No, that's a full house. - Is it a flush that beats a full house? - No, that's a full house. - It's not my turn? - I know about houses. I built mine out of straw. I'm not an idiot. Am I gonna get to put the cuffs on someone, or what? Remember, Ted, pieces of a puzzle make funny shapes, but they still fit together in the end. Boy, you're just full of those, aren't you? We are closer to the Bandit than we've ever been before, chief. The clues to find him are right here in this room. In this room? That's what I've been saying! Are you telling me we're back to square one? Hold on, Smokey. Where's the fire? Timmy, it's Tommy. You there? Over. - Am I talking to the wall? - If you don't have your walkie, don't talk to me, but if you got your walkie, let's talk. Put everybody in cuffs. I'm taking them all in. It's what I do, that's why I'm police chief. Timmy, it's Tommy. Pick up. If you're there, pick up the walkie. What are you doing this weekend? Over. We've got this place locked down, all secured. It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake. Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth. - The Goody Bandit. - That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger-pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit. - Not my finger! - Oh, no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home. Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures. But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that? That's right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right, Granny? Now, hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, - but that's no reason to be suspicious. - Huh? A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes. And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Huh? Or she could just be another victim... - What? ...of a hungry wolf! The wolf did it. Talk about profiling. Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living? - Maybe he's not a wolf at all! - You got me. I'm a poodle. - Just haven't been to the barbershop. - Is this all just a big joke to you? - I just followed the girl here. - You leave my granddaughter alone! Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run. - Where is she, anyway? - I was just... The recipes are gone! - Are you saying Red is the Bandit? - Not my Red! Calm down there, Triple G. The only thing your granddaughter is guilty of is flying hummingbirds without a license. It would seem there is another player in this game, someone who's hippity-hopped his way through all of your stories. Yes, there's someone else. The only one who was with Red when she fell... - Ohh! - No! ...who knew a shortcut to Granny's... Oh, yeah. In fact, I know a shortcut. ...who fraternizes with evil ski teams... - What's your name? - Put, "To my biggest and cutest fan." ...and someone who was there when the schnitzel truck was schnitzeled. What the schnitzel? Not the bunny! - I knew it. Never trust a bunny. - Never trust a bunny! - Uh, chief. - Yeah? No one's seen the bunny or the girl, and that cable car left the station. I think we need an APB out on something small and fuzzy. I think you're right. Get your boys to Red's place. We need to head off that cable car. And bring in a police sketch artist. No, make it a cartoonist. We gotta hurry to beat it down. Bill, get everyone in the cars. Tommy, you can bring that evidence with you. Let's go! - You heard the chief, let's move it! - Not in the same car! Keep it moving. There's nothing to see. - Who's got my keys? - Shotgun. - Did you get any shots of the bunny? - The bunny? Why? I told you to take pictures of everything! Ohh! We gotta get this to print before it's all over the forest! Something don't sit right in my bones about this. - What's that? - Maybe it's your bones. I smell schnitzel. What have they done to my schnitzel truck? Why are they going up? There's on old cable car station at the top of the mountain. We've got to follow them, boys. Red's up there. I know it! Get down the mountain. You gotta stop those cops. Run 'em off the road, dangle a donut, I don't care. - Tell 'em they're going the wrong way. - Eezie-peezie! Leave it to me! You'll never catch 'em in time. Is that coffee? I can't believe I'm saying this, but... drink up. We may want... ...to stand back. Yee-hoo-hoo-hoo! Caffeine! Yeah, baby! - Whoa! - Go get 'em, boy. What... ...have I done? - Now the rest is up to us. Can I have coffee? I don't like it. The cops are all over the place. Forget about the cops! We've got everything we need right here. What about the old lady? If she's alive, she'll be back. You just don't get it, do you, Dolph? I'm done! I'm done dancing for the man! The Muffin Man and Granny! They can both take a hike! I'm never gonna answer to anyone ever again! A-ha-ha! Ah, I just love my job! You see how it works, Dolph? You prioritize, you set your goals, you write a mission statement. You ask yourself, "Where do I see me in five years?" How about behind bars? Red! Oh, hi, Red! What are you? - You've spoiled the surprise. - You're the Bandit. Surprise! I'm walkin' out of here with those recipes. - Really? - Yeah. You're a bad bunny. Oh, somebody's finally catching up! Did you think I followed you around on your deliveries because I liked you? Oh, you best be fearing the ear, baby. Ahh! Hai-yahh! Is that all you got? - Ohh! - Ha! You hit like a girl! Come on. And ka-blam! Why don't you go home and cry to your granny? Dolph, tie up the brat. Lesa, hold the book. Vincent, get the truck. And Keith... Darn it, change your name. Please. That's not scary, and I'm embarrassed to say it. - Boris. Try that. - Hmm. Keith. You know? Oh, watch out for Keith. - You're crazy! - Maybe so. But I'm top of the woods now, baby! @ When you're @ Hopping on down the bunny trail @ The critters all seem to look down @ You're fuzzy and small Your ears are too tall @ And goodies make the woods go round @ Now, I'm not a pig But you gotta think big @ When you're competing with the girl in the hood @ So you won't be a fan of my evil plan @ But I'm gonna be top of the woods @ Now the kids will be packed with my Boingo snacks @ Construction begins in a day @ And all of the bears will be ruled by the hare @ As I maniacally plot from my evil lair We've really grown in the past year. Nabbing all the recipes was phase one. Now phase two is adding my own special ingredient to every goody. A little something I like to call "Boingonium." It makes my snacks a little more... habit-forming. Happy customer! Phase three gets a little messy. I'm gonna need a lot of real estate down the mountain, so I've gotta blow the competition away. Oh, and that's not a metaphor. We've literally got to blow them away. OK? Yeah, I got it. And now that I have your granny's secrets, I'm afraid you'll be taking the dyno-mite express home. @ You won't be disrespecting this bunny no more @ 'Cause I'm gonna be top of the woods Oh, yeah @ I said I'm gonna be top of the woods @ Let's bring it on home! @ I said, I'm gonna be @ Top of the woods @ You've been hoodwinked, baby! @ Oh, yeah @ Sweet tea and cookies! We got to do something! I know. The song was catchy, but the choreography was terrible. OK, listen. I have an idea, but we need to get past that ski team. The toughest one is the big fella, really mean-looking, with a fat head and a thick skull. Looks like a shaved ape. - - I mean, he is u-u-u-ugly! Like a big, swollen, overgrown... He's standing right behind me, isn't he? - Mm-hm. - Ahh! Ah. Ohh! Ohh! Whoa! Whew! - Who taught you how to drive? - Almost hit a squirrel. That was close. - Whee-yahh! - [Metal crunching] - [Glass breaking] [Sputtering] What's the big idea? I could've made road pizza out of you, kid! [Babbling] - What's he saying? - What is it, boy? - - Truck. Trouble at the mill! Is the barn on fire? The barn's on fire! The well! Timmy's stuck in the well! Hold on. He seems to be speaking words of some kind. Pffsst! You're a delivery girl. Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain? 'Cause it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight! I'm sorry. What? I can't quite... with the... You got something right there across your mouth! You're an actor, right? So this is your big part. This is the role of a lifetime. Make them believe in you. Don't act like an evil henchman, be an evil henchman. Got it? - Know what you're gonna say, right? - Right! - - - Mr. Rabbit? - Dolph! Where have you been? You nim-witted Eurotrash with the... What is that, a ski mask? I like that. See, that's scary. That's good. - Boss... - What? Say it! Spit it out! - What's going on? - Boss... Paul's Bunion cream has the soothing formula... Hi there. What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector. - Yes. - I just need to tap the pipes to see if your wiring's up to par. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. You're not... No. You can't touch anything in here. Let's walk. Let me level with you. You're an evil genius, right? Well, I don't know if I'd say genius, you know. I was asked to join Mensa. You got an evil lair in a cave, that's standard, but see, most masters of evil that we deal with are up to evil genius code. Are you familiar with the code? You know, I'm more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy. Yeah. I understand. Thinking about putting in a laser? I don't know. I don't... Do you think I should? Well, it's standard equipment for a cave lair. I'm not saying you're gonna zap someone today, but you gotta think about the future. They gotta be calibrated. - You gonna do that yourself? - Well, I... I... We should take a look at that power grid. OK. Yeah, sure, sure. Wait a minute. I smell hairspray. A-haaa! Come here, you little bunny! - - Huh? Ooh! Whoo! Ha-ha! Gotcha! Get over here! - Aahhh! - Hey, Puckett! Little Red's gonna take a ride! And there ain't... ...no... ...brakes! Red! Aah! Whoo! She doesn't trust you anymore, Granny! Out of my way, bunny! Whoo! Ha-ha! Ahh! Uhh! - - Dolph! Whahh! Wow, that's a... that's a long way. - We could take the truck. - Let's take the truck. Yeah, cool. They go up, you go down. Gotta help! APB! Get the bunny! - This squirrel ate the wrong nuts. - English! What's wrong with you? Wait a minute. I've got an idea. [Babbling] [Rewinding] [Babbling] Ah... OK. The criminal cannot be found at the bottom of the mountain. He resides at the top in a cave fortress where my companions are trying to detain him. Aww. - That's more like it. - How do we know he's on the level? He threw himself in front of a car. That's commitment. No, that's crazy. We can't get up there in time anyway. Hey, chief! It looks like they're coming to us! Ahh! Ohh! Ohh! A-ha! - Granny! - I'm coming, honey! Grab the hood! [Grunting] [Gasps] Aahhh! [Screams] Hold tight! - Whoo-hoo! - End of the line, ladies! - Granny! - You know what to do. Whoo! Oh, wonderful. No! Watch your head. - Oh! - Ow! That hurts. Get 'em outta here, boys. [Engine starts] - No, no, no, no. Not prison. - Say Parcheesi! Not prison! Not for a cute little bunny rabbit! Not prison! Not for a cute little bunny rabbit! - - Granny, Little Bit, we got 'em! - Not bad for a little cookie maker. - Thanks. I guess I must have had my eyes shut pretty tight not to see how fast you were growing up. You were really something up there. I take after my granny. [Vehicle approaches] Hello, everybody! Here, we have the book! [Crash] [Car alarm blaring] - What happened here tonight? - My granny swooped in and saved me. - And the whole forest! - It was my Red who saved the day. Well, it was a group effort, spearheaded by myself, of course. You'll read the story in tomorrow's column, but I will take a few questions. Mr. Kirkendal will be appearing in our ad campaign... - I got a call-back! - No, don't talk. If a tree falls in the forest, you'll get three stories, - yours, mine and the tree's. - Well, a bunny gone bad is going away, and you'll wake up tomorrow with piping hot tea cakes, same as always. Ooh! Those are piping hot. So how about that new delivery system? Well, it beats riding a bike, that's for sure. @ I got horns that hold the muffins @ And I got horns that hold the pies Hey, did you hear about Kirk? He finally made it. [Yodeling] - Wanna see the show with us? - I'm allergic to yodeling. - Now, Wolfie... - I'm front page material now, I'm about to crack a story about the three pigs running a home improvement scam. Houses falling. I got the wide-angle lenses for those piggies. You sure this is the right place? - Ah. - Mr. Flippers. I see you all got my message. - Glad you could make it. - What's going on? Well, I was wondering if you would like to come and work for me. I could use some fresh talent like you. What kind of work are we talking about? You'd be undercover, on impossible missions... ...to faraway places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens. "Happily Ever After Agency"? The woods don't go around by themselves. We fight the bad guys, swing through the windows secret-agent-style, right? So, what do you think? Bring it, honey. I always did like happy endings.