Movie Date: June 6, 1974
What a location! Si. The mighty Coliseum. The glory of Roma. Doesn't it stir your... your imagination? You bet it does, baby! Do you people realize what a shopping centre we could put there? Plenty of parking, too. Ladies and gentlemen, the world's highest office building! Hawk Plaza! In a few hours, Hawk Enterprises will break ground on this project. ''How did it happen?'' you ask. Here's the man who made it possible. Thank you, friends. Thank you. My heart is too full to speak. You see? You've brought a tear to this flinty old eye. So, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for allowing me to share a moment of your precious time. Get those deadheads out before they drink all my booze. Alright, everyone, to my office, where a scroll awaits you. - Hello? - Mr. Barnsdorf, sir. Hello, Barnsdorf. When can we start digging? What are you talking about? That building site's as clean as a... What's that? I thought we got rid of that crummy firehouse months ago! A little hold-up. Old lady Steinmetz won't sign the papers. One little beat-up old lady makes monkeys of the most overpaid lawyers in the country. C'mon, boys! I expect action. I'd better get it or else! She doesn't seem to trust us. Well, of course she doesn't! Look at yourselves. Your own mothers wouldn't trust you. What we need is someone so nauseatingly innocent, so stomach-churningly helpful and so dumb, anyone would trust 'em! Mr. Willoughby Whitfield for you. He says he's your nephew. Whoever he is, throw him out. And don't bother me again! Say, wait. Is he the dumb-looking kid of my sister's from back east, goes to law school or something? He finished law school. He's a full-fledged lawyer. He's a full-fledged lawyer! Send him in! Mr. Hawk will see you now. Thank you. Come in, boy. Come in! Isn't he beautiful? Uncle Alonzo, I hereby present you with the Furze Law College Humanitarian of the Year Award. Well, well, well. Humanitarian of the Year, eh? That's right. Award committees give out humanitarian awards to a lot of strange ducks, but why me? - I was the award committee. - You put in the fix? You took care of your Uncle Alonzo. Smart boy. I admire somebody who knows how to use juice properly. Juice? Yes, juice. How to use muscle, influence. How to bend things his own way. Oh, no. Goodness, no. It wasn't done dishonestly. I thought it over and couldn't think of anyone any more deserving. How come? Mother has never tired of saying what a great man her brother was. Replacing dirty old buildings with shiny new ones, sending us fruit at Christmas. You were her idol. Can't you clowns get out of here? I'd like to have a nice talk with my... favorite nephew. When I look into your eyes and see the shining light of idealism aglow there, it makes me young again and ready for battle! - Battle? - Yes, battle! It has never been easy for us idealists. And now I am going to give you a chance to put that idealism into play on your very first job. Picture, if you will, a tough little old lady living in a rundown, rat-infested firehouse, standing in the way of our latest civic benefaction. There may be builders who could find it in their heart to be vindictive to this old lady. They might say that she feeds on the misery of the poor in that forsaken neighborhood. That she rolls drunks, teaches small children to steal, and make them bring most of the take to her, Would I, Alonzo Hawk, Humanitarian of the Year, stoop to such tactics? On the contrary. I would do everything in my power to help that tough, no-good little old lady. I'd give her a large sum for that worthless property and provide, at special price to her, a lifetime lease in Eternity Towers, that beautiful new haven for helpless old people like her. It has a gymnasium, a sauna, and old Rudolph Valentino, Sessue Hayakawa movies. A beauty parlor, a hobby centre, and instead of cooking her heart out over a hot stove, automatic machines in every hall will lavish her with everything from pizza to hot chili. Wouldn't it make your whole being happy to be part of all that? - When can I start? - Here's the address. Get moving. - Here. - Thanks, pal. Isn't it breathtaking? Yeah, it's a mess alright. That guy Hawk ought to be hung. What? I'm coming! Mrs.. Steinmetz? I'm Willoughby Whitfield. - I'd like to discuss some business. - Come in, won't you? I can't. This car has rolled onto my foot. Oh, dear. I guess you forgot to set the brake. Herbie, aren't you ashamed? Get off Mr. Whitfield's foot! Herbie protects me. Herbie? But I am capable of taking care of myself. I was about to make myself a nice cup of tea. - Come in and have one with me. - Thank you. I have to humor Herbie. He used to be a famous racing car. But his driver went to Europe to drive foreign cars, so he's a little sensitive. - You can understand that. - Yes. To get down to business, people are worried about you living in this firetrap, so I came to... Firehouse, young man, not fire trap. Firehouse, yes. Be that as it may, the least we can do... Stop that! That's downright rude. Do you know what he was playing? Do Not Trust Him, Gentle Maiden. Nothing personal. - He's a friend of Herbie's. - A friend of Herbie's? So is Old 22. You may as well meet all the family while you're here. Number 22 used to be on the Clay Street line. Herbie found him in a vacant lot. He'd been used as a chicken house. He's much happier here, of course. I understand you have an emotional attachment to this old building... Oh, indeed I have! I was married here to my late husband, Captain Steinmetz of the Fire Department, a hero of the Great Fire. We understand, Mrs.. Steinmetz, so Mr. Hawk has authorized... Don't tell me you're from Hawk? You have such a nice face, not at all like those ruffians he usually sends around. If you would just look at the size of this cheque. I don't know anything about money. My nephew, Tennessee, usually takes care of me. He used to live here. But he had to rush off to Tibet because his guru got sick. If you'd just look at... What's a guru? His teacher. My nephew studies Oriental Philosophy. That's how he learned that things have an inner life, like wind and rain and traffic lights and can openers and flowers and little cars. That's how Herbie and Tennessee became friends. This money could take care of you for the rest of your life. Of course, I didn't have to study Oriental philosophy. I could talk to Herbie right off. I guess it's in the blood. See you tomorrow! Believe me, Mr. Hawk has your interests at heart. I have an agreement. If you'd glance... Nicole, I want you to meet a gentleman from Mr. Hawk. How do you do? Oh, Mr. Whitfield! Such a nice young man. They're bothering us again, are they? You've hurt your hand. Oh, on the contrary, it feels marvelous. Are you alright, Mr. Whitfield? - What was that? - Nicole Harris, a brave young lady. She works for the airline. Last week, she knocked out a hijacker with a bottle of wine. Get out. If you or any more of Hawk's stooges come again, you'll get worse! Please, Nicole. Mr. Whitfield and I were having a nice conversation. I'll bet. But isn't it time for your nap? Mr. Whitfield is just going! Very well. Goodbye, Mr. Whitfield, I hope I'll see you again soon. - Mrs.. Steinmetz, you... - Out. Out! Have a heart. This is my first assignment. I can't afford to fail. - I said out! - But... Alright. Alright. You look like a sensible person. Living alone in this crummy neighborhood is no place for an elderly woman. What do you mean, alone? She's got me and she's got Herbie. That's another thing. That goofy story about this car shows she's coming apart. - So you think it's goofy? - Of course. Don't you? How would you like to go for a little ride? - I thought you didn't like me. - I'd like you to ride in Herbie. I'd like that very much. Well, that's very nice of you. I'll be ready in a minute. Alright, Herbie. Let's get going. You're an intelligent young woman. Why do you pretend to talk to this car? People might wonder. Don't listen, Herbie. Move it. Mrs.. Steinmetz thinks of this car as a person. Old age has its fantasies. It proves she needs Mr. Hawk's help. - Remember, Alonzo Hawk sent him. - You and I know better. You stubborn bucket of bolts. You always do things your way! Let's stop kidding ourselves. This is an ordinary car, like a million other ordinary, rather unattractive... You shouldn't say that, Herbie's sensitive about his looks. You've had your laugh. You ought to stop now. He won't stop until you say sorry. What upsets me most is you trying to maintain the fiction... - Please, tell Herbie you're sorry. - Alright. Herbie, I'm sorry. Well, what do you think now? I think you're a very skilful driver, but I don't want you to drive me again. - You think it's a trick? - Yes. I think it's all a trick. Well, would you like to drive? - Yes. - Good. There, you see? As I was saying, this car is just your ordinary, rather stupid-looking... What do I do now? You're on your own. I hope Herbie hasn't lost his sense of humor. Chicken Tournament, jousting today? What's it up to now? I don't know. It's hard to figure Herbie out sometimes. The gallant contenders are taking their places on the field of honor. At the north end, the undefeated champion of the tournament. Fearless, brutal, unforgiving. The Red Knight! At the south end, his stout-hearted adversary, the ever-popular Sir Lancelot! I hope Herbie's not up to what I think he's up to. Let the joust begin. Give the signal, your Majesty. What are they doing? It seems very dangerous. What are they doing? I think this is where I get out. Good idea. I'll join you. The victor thus far has demolished all who oppose him. Surviving champion, your favorite and mine, the Red Knight! At the other end of the list, a mysterious new contender. But the name doesnt 't matter. No one lasts for long against the Red Knight! Let the joust begin! No, Herbie, wait! I take everything back. I apologies. I believe, Herbie! I believe! My brave champion, you have won me! Take me to your kingdom! You win the bread, man. Three dollars. I'm beginning to think that I owe you an apology. Oh, no, I can't stand men who apologies. - Well, may I take you to lunch? - Alright. I lived in an apartment opposite the firehouse. I loved it. Then Alonzo Hawk tore it down and kicked me out. - I'm sure it wasn't personal. - I go crazy if I hear his name. - How's your jaw? - It's alright. I'm sorry. How could I know it was your first assignment for Hawk? You can't know what a no-good he is. I should tell you... Anyway, Mrs.. Steinmetz took me in until I found somewhere to live. When I found out what Hawk was up to, I stayed on to protect her. I won't let his rats talk her out of her home. You're not being fair. Fair? To Alonzo Hawk? Has he conned you just like everyone else? I should tell you... Did you know he put a parking garage on the lot where the DiMaggios learned to play baseball? His factories pollute all the fish in the bay. His skyscraper casts a cold shadow on a playground all day. Let me say... He even kicked 30 Chinese families off Grand Avenue! Please! I can't believe Uncle Alonzo would do things like that. Wait a minute. Uncle? He's your uncle? - Yes, that's why... - You rotten swine! Here's your warm milk, Grandma. Be sure and drink it. You know how good it is for you. Yes, dear. I still can't understand why you hit him with a boiled lobster. Grandma, I wish I could stop doing things like that. - I really sort of like him. - I'm glad to hear that. Brilliant, eligible lawyers don't grow on trees. What are you leading up to? Nothing, dear. I just thought that perhaps you could talk things over with that nice Mr. Whitfield. Nice try, Grandma. But if I want a young man, I'll get him my way. Yes, I suppose so, dear. Now, stop hatching plots and go to sleep. Yes, dear. - Goodnight, Grandma. - Goodnight, dear. Goodnight, Herbie. Pleasant dreams. He used to be a famous racing car. Used to be a famous racing car. Used to be a famous racing car. Uncle Alonzo, I dropped by to talk to you man to man, so I could look you squarely in the eye. No, I am wearing make-up because of a black eye. A girl hit me in the face with a boiled lobster the moment I mentioned your name. This same wonderful, intelligent, clear-sighted girl was able to convince me what kind of a person you really are. I do not hold with your cheating Mrs.. Steinmetz out of her home so that you may build your concrete anthill on the spot where she has known so much happiness. I think you are despicable, greedy, grasping and wholly without principle or pity. I also believe you are not a nice person. If you write my mother, who is also your sister Frieda, do not tell her that I wear make-up as a rule. I am going back to Missouri, so you may no longer use me as a cat's paw. I bid you farewell more in sorrow than in anger. Please do not send us any more fruit for Christmas. Goodbye, Grandma! Hi, everybody. Hi, Herb. No hard feelings, OK? I'm so glad you and Herbie decided to make up. I'm off for my morning walk. Come along, we can have a chat. No, I just came to say goodbye. I'm going home to Missouri. Oh, what a pity! Nicole so hoped to see you again. She's a wonderful girl, even if you don't agree with her. I do agree with her now. I'm going to my uncle to tell him exactly what I think of him. - Why, that's splendid! - It's time he heard the real truth. Nicole will be thrilled! Please wait until she comes back. To be honest, I'm more afraid of her than I am of my uncle. Nonsense! She's just a very high-spirited young lady. That's for sure. Goodbye. Don't weaken about the firehouse. Don't worry, young man. Call my nephew, wherever he is, and get him here. Yes, sir. Mr. Barnsdorf is on the phone. Yeah, Barnsdorf, what do you want? Can we dig yet, Hawk? My boys are getting itchy. I'll tell you when to dig. I got some high-price digging equipment and crew sitting around playing gin-rummy, waiting for you. It's costing you 80 grand a day. Just stop bugging me, Barnsdorf. You'll get the order to start any moment now. And what do you want? I'm sorry. I called the motel. Your nephew checked out. What do you mean, checked out? When? Where? Who told him he could check out? How dare he disappear when he knows I'm worried sick! I'll tear his chicken-livered gizzard to pieces! I'll stomp him! I'll take this letter knife and stab him in his ungrateful breastbone. You know me, Millicent! Normally, I'm a kind, fun-loving fella. But when I get crossed, I go bananas. Yes? It's your nephew. Willoughby? Willoughby, where are you? Hi, Uncle. I thought I'd save time and phone you the news. Marvelous. Great. Smart boy! That Hawk blood tells in the end. All ashore that's going ashore. What's all that noise? And what news? The news I was leaving town. Leaving town? I'm on the ship-to-shore phone... ..from the deck of the Swedish freighter, the Gustav Gustaffson bound for Helsinki. Helsinki? I'm glad you're taking it like this. You should leave Mrs.. Steinmetz alone. Why you...! Don't worry, you'll feel better in the morning. Don't talk like an idiot! I feel better now. Alonzo Hawk may be betrayed, but he is never defeated. Out of my way! Since none of you pitiful excuses for men have the muscle to move a feeble old lady, I'll do it myself, like I have to do everything. - Now, now... - Shut up! We'll start on number one, harassment. I wrote the book on it. Shut off her phone, turn off her water, sic the health and building inspectors on her. - Steal her dog! - She doesn't have a dog. She doesn't have a dog? A little old lady in a place like that? Who looks out for her? How does she get around? She has a little car she uses. - Well, go and pick it up! - Yes, Mr. Hawk. Bunch of lame brains. Hold it! You fellas will probably even foul up this simple assignment. The first team is on the job now. I'll get the car myself. Overeducated pinheads! Gentlemen, take notes. Learn how the grown-ups do it. You may be unaware of it, but I began my fabulous career as a repossessor of motorcars. At the tender age of 1 9, I was the best-known repossessor of cars west of the Mississippi. Hot-Wire Hawk, they called me. Observe, gentlemen. Screwdriver, pair of pliers, and a piece of wire. Now check your watches! I will return with the object of my mission in 1 5 minutes or less. Let's go! Madam is not at home, sir. Thank you. I won't need you any more today. Very well, sir. Learn something when you're young and you'll never forget it. Except, a six-year-old could steal this once-cylinder hairdryer! Quiet! Alright, buddy, let's get this thing out of here... Hello, Mr. Hawk. What are you doing in this little car? Just shut up and push! Certainly, Mr. Hawk. One tiny thing. Is the car out of gear, sir? Of course it's out of gear, you nitwit! Just push! Alright, Mr. Hawk. OK, push. Hey, wait a minute! What're you doing to my cab? Are we trying to get tough, Mr. Hawk? Don't you dare threaten me! Alright, Mr. Hawk. - Well? - Three minutes to go. Hello, Commissioner. Got a little problem. We got to tow him out of here. Now, Mr. Hawk, sit quietly this time. Don't touch the pedals or gears. Don't order me around! I will do as I please. The Traffic Commissioner shall hear about this. I am the Commissioner. Then what are you doing in that monkey suit? The Traffic Commissioner would dress in dignified clothes. This happens to be my dress uniform. I'm on my way to a ceremony for I Am A Policeman Day. OK, let's go. Commissioner, call your office. There's been an accident. See the man, see the man. One minute. He'll never make it. If Mr. Hawk says he'll do it, he'll... Here he is! - Get that car, dead or alive! - Right away, sir. Mr. Hawk? If you'll sign a few of these citations, compliments of the Commissioner. Well, he's got more stuff than I thought. Yes, I'm sorry he's going, too. Alright, see you later. Bye-bye. Flight 38, for Las Vegas. Mother, you've never seen Uncle Alonzo in such a rage. He's probably having the airport watched. But he won't find me. I'm wearing a disguise. A disguise. A beard and a moustache. I know I promised not to grow a beard when I left home. Don't you understand? It isn't real. No. I will not go back and apologize to Uncle Alonzo. He is a greedy, unscrupulous, no-good, thieving... ..coyote. Thank you, miss. No, Mother, my asthma's not coming back. Nothing's wrong! Everything is just fine now. This is the turning point of my life. Uncle Alonzo pushed me about. You always told me what to do. Then I met this perfectly wonderful girl. I was even afraid of her, till now. I've just decided something, Mother. I am not going to be a rabbit any more. Goodbye, Mother. Come along, Herbie, off to market. Thank you, Herbie. Let me see now. Half a dozen tomatoes. The broccoli looked very nice yesterday. And what else was there? We can see the car, Mr. Hawk. - Moving in for the kill. - They're moving in for the kill now. Well, what happened? You were moving in for the kill! Negative. A little premature, sir. She's a desperate woman. Don't worry, she won't get away. Another short cut, Herbie? Where is she now? She's still going up and up. It's incredible. She's driving like a madman. Herbie, behave yourself. You knocked my glasses off. Well, where on earth is she? Don't answer it! It'll be Hawk. Look! No, sir. The phone didn't ring. Were you trying to reach us? Did you grab the car? Any moment now. There it goes. Into the Sheraton Palace Hotel. The Sheraton Palace Hotel? May I draw your attention to the superb baby shrimp? Alright, Herbie. But you won't convince me this is a short cut to the market. Gentlemen, have you a reservation? There it is! Someone stop her! - Don't let her get away. - C'mon, let's go. I get the creeps from that weird little car... - What's wrong with you? - There it is. Millicent, you're getting hysterical. Take two aspirins and lie down. One of us must keep our nerve. C'mon, move it! We've got it trapped. Stop woolgathering, Herbie. We really must get to the market. Look out, it's coming back! Grandma, I was worried about you. Are you alright? Wonderful. I had a drive on the bridge. - Let me help, Mrs.. Steinmetz. - Mr. Whitfield. Nice to see you. I thought you were going to Missouri. Nicole spoke to me. Mr. Whitfield will help us fight his uncle. Wonderful! You must stay for dinner. I've already invited him. - Take those to the kitchen. - Yeah, thank you. What a fine young man! You look so right together. If there's anything I can do... There is one thing, Grandma. Just let nature take its course. Oh, yes, dear. I wouldn't want to interfere, not for anything. Oh... We'll want some more broccoli. Can you and Willoughby get some? Sure. And you should drive down to the beach afterwards. - Grandma! - It's a beautiful day. We'll just go get some broccoli. Yes, dear. Of course. I won't say another word, Herbie. There's nothing I can do. Of course, I can't help it if you happen to have a mind of your own. Can I? I should have said that I don't like broccoli. Herbie, where are you going? The young lady and gentleman have turned to the north. It seems they're not immediately returning to the firehouse. See that they don't. Do anything you have to. But don't let them return until after dark. You read me? Perfectly, sir. Grandma put him up to this! - Where's he taking us? - I don't know, but I could guess. Pardon me, sir. Is this the only road from the beach? Yep. Would you care, sir, to earn $50? Don't mind. We wish you to obstruct the road from the beach for two hours. My employer plans a surprise party... Don't explain, just give me the money. It's very romantic here, don't you think? That's the first time I've heard the word ''romantic'' in a real conversation. I hope I wasn't being too forward. But it is romantic. I think that's what Grandma had in mind. She always thought the Pacific Ocean very romantic. Captain Steinmetz proposed to her on the beach, 50 years ago. I'm sorry I punched you the first time I met you. That's OK. And it wasn't ladylike to hit you with a boiled lobster. - It's OK. - You can hit me back, if you want. That isn't exactly what I had in mind. Herbie! It's time we got back. Herbie, c'mon! Leave that seagull alone! Herbie! I wish that car would learn to mind. Herbie, please! Herbie! Heel, Herbie. See? Just needs a firm hand. You know, Willoughby, sometimes you really surprise me. What's happening? Sorry, sir. My rear axle's frozen. - But how are we...? - Sorry. No, Herbie! Well, here we are. Very quietly and very quickly pull your hand back inside. - Why? - We've got company. That's ridiculous! Why would a shark follow a Volkswagen? Because he thinks the same thing I do. We're going to sink. Excuse me, do you know the way to San Francisco? Yeah, man. Up the beach road, first left, second right. Thank you. Old Number 22. It's gone. What? They came with a big truck. Everything's gone. Who did it? It said on the truck Alonzo Hawk Van & Storage. Have you never jimmied a lock before? - No. It's not a hobby of mine. - Hurry. We can't just stand here. Good for Herbie! Halt! You have been detected by electronic surveillance. You will be surrounded by agents of the Alonzo Hawk Security. Touch nothing in this warehouse, or you will be prosecuted. Don't talk to me like that! I want my things and I'll get them! - I think that's a recording. - I don't care! Let's find your things before somebody gets here. Touch nothing in this warehouse, or you will be prosecuted. Your things aren't here... Alright, hold it! OK, get your hands up! Don't get fresh with me, young man. Watch it. She's the ringleader. C'mon, Grandma, move it. Put your hands up! I most certainly will not. If you say please, I might consider it. Alright. Please. There, you see? That wasn't so difficult after all. If you'd mind your manners, life would be easier for all of us. Would you be good enough to tell me just exactly what you are doing with my furniture? How do we know, lady? All I can tell you is that nothing goes out without Mr. Hawk's OK. Look out, Smitty! Run! There's some more! Out of the way! We're cut off! How are we gonna get out of here? You know, Smitty, I don't think Mr. Hawk will happy about this. Evening, Mother. Ain't you a mite old to be a stewardess? Been a lot of changes since the day I came to visit this town. Barnsdorf, stop worrying about your digging equipment. You're paying me 80 grand a day. Stop bothering... I have broken the old lady's spirit. Yeah. I've taken all her furniture. She's sitting in an empty firehouse ready to listen to reason. I guarantee you can start digging first thing Monday morning. Yeah? What? Yes, sir. They got away with everything. Call every unit of the Mobile Security Force. We'll nail them to the wall! Stop at the top. We'll figure how to get down the other side. Right. I was saying, little lady... ..I was doing fine till I got into that sheep-dip you call liquor in this town. My name is Judson. Got a little cow ranch a few hundred miles north of here. Been alone with those cows for over 40 years, so I thought I'd get to town and stir up a little excitement. Might be my last opportunity. I'll get a rope and tie us up nice and snug. Oh, no. Looks like Uncle Alonzo! No, Herbie, don't do it! Oh! After him! Faster, faster! Herbie, now you have got us in a mess. Now, Herbie, stop this minute! Hey, watch out! Look what you done to my pretzels! Mrs.. Steinmetz? Mrs.. Steinmetz, put on the brake! You're a fine-looking woman. You married? No, the Captain's been gone many years. There he is. Captain Steinmetz. Hook and ladder number 2 7, City of San Francisco. A fine gentleman. Nice picture. You carry it around with you everywhere? Mrs.. Steinmetz! Use the handbrake! Are you OK? I declare, little lady, you're a sight to make this country boy's heart flutter. Don't be silly. I'm much too old. The way I figure it, you're just about coming into your prime. Can't that thing play something with more pep? How nice to see people dressing up for parties again. Was that anyone we know? I think these cars go a lot faster than when I was a young fella. You can't stop progress. Look at that! Herbie, you've got to help us. Steady, Herbie. C'mon, c'mon, move closer! Hurry, we're running out of street! Closer. A little more. Go on, jump! Well, here's where I get off. Thanks for the ride, little lady. Appreciate it. Sure like to cross trails with you again, sometime. Are you alright, Grandma? Of course. I just met the most interesting man. Good morning, Grandma. Sleep well? Not a wink. I suddenly realized the trouble Alonzo Hawk gives me. I'm going to his office to give him a piece of my mind. Oh, no, you don't. I have to go. Bye-bye, Grandma. And please, don't do anything foolish. Willoughby, I know Grandma. I think she's up to something. I'll keep her out of mischief. Well, you better, or else I'll get tough again. Bye. Bye. - Where are you going? - To see Mr. Hawk. No. You can't. You heard what Nicole said. Nicole is a very sweet girl, but at her age, she can't order me around. - May I go with you? - That won't be necessary. No, but I think Nicole would prefer it. Come back! Mrs.. Steinmetz! Come back! This is a nasty whiplash, Mr. Hawk. I think you try to do too much. I know, Millicent, but besides you, who can I depend on? I have to do everything... Who are those clowns? Your new lawyers. You fired the others yesterday. Fellas, I'm gonna tear down the Steinmetz firehouse, OK? Just a moment. You have the necessary permit? Of course I don't have a permit! I don't even own the land yet! That would jeopardize the legal status of your new building. - We can't permit you... - Get out of here! I didn't hire you to tell me what I can't do. I hired you to tell me how I can do it. Go! Everyone lets me down. You know me. I'm enthusiastic, boyishly eager. All I get is cheap lawyer talk. Poor Mr. Hawk. It just isn't fair. Nevertheless, I shall not falter. I'm like a sensitive, finely tuned violin. All I need to restore me is a few moments of peace and quiet. Turn it off! You idiot! What are you doing? Washing the windows. Mr. Hawk's orders. I am Mr. Hawk! Get out of here! OK. Cancel the windows. You better shut the window. It runs up the air conditioning bill. You're fired! Get your money... Mr. Hawk's orders! They may harass me, but don't let them ever think they have me beaten. That is when Alonzo Hawk is at his most dangerous. Yes, sir. Millicent, this is what I want you to do. I want you to try and get Fred Loostgarten on the phone. He used to work for our wrecking company before I fired him. He has a one-horse operation of his own now. Yes. I think that's how Captain Steinmetz would handle the situation. Excuse me, could you tell me where Mr. Hawk's office is? Yes, ma'am. The old buzzard is 2 8 stories up, six windows to the left. I'm sorry, I don't hear so good from this side. - 2 8th floor! Can't miss it. - Thank you so much. No! Mrs. Steinmetz! Stop! Mrs. Steinmetz, come back. Stop! Mrs. Steinmetz! Help! Grandma! Mrs. Steinmetz! Help! Mrs....! Grandma! Help! Mrs. Steinmetz! Grandma! Help! Mrs. Steinmetz! Help! Grandma! Is that you, Mr. Whitfield? Where are you? Down here! Help me! There you are. Just a minute, I'm coming. No, stay where you are. Just take us down. Of course, Mr. Whitfield. But first, promise to let me see Mr. Hawk. Anything. I'll do anything you say. Very well, Mr. Whitfield. Loostgarten, buddy! How are you? I know things haven't gone so well, but that's life, buddy. Yeah, right, Mr. Hawk. I got to thinking I've got to find a job for my friend Loostgarten and here it is. You know that old firehouse on the site for Hawk's Plaza? Yeah? Get your wrecking ball and smash it. I want nothing left but itsy-bitsy splinters. Don't worry, Willoughby. I shall be perfectly polite, but firm. A permit? I don't get one till tomorrow morning. - But, Mr. Hawk, I... - Loostgarten! The job has to be done tonight! Take it or leave it! Millicent, my dear, put a cheque in the mail to Loostgarten. Loostgarten Wrecking Company. A thousand on account. Tonight, he's gonna smash that crummy old firehouse to matchwood! That'll teach that battle-axe a lesson. No, Grandma, he won't like that. I don't care what he doesn't like! Knock down my home, will he? Uncle Alonzo, you haven't met Mrs. Steinmetz. How do you do? Don't worry, everything's under control. That's just dandy! Now you've done it! You've made Herbie very angry! Oh! No! No! Stop! Stop! Get out, get out! Get out! No! No! Go away! No, Herbie, stop. Wrong way. Stay away from me! Someone come in and stop this thing. Shouldn't we see what all those noises are? Mr. Hawk said he didn't want to be disturbed. Herbie. Uncle? Now's a good time to explain... You? Stop it! Will you be going out for a while, Mr. Hawk? Herbie! Got to get away from that thing. - Good morning. - Good morning. - Mrs. Steinmetz! - I told you Mr. Hawk was busy. Oh, shut up! And get off my building! There must be some way to make this car behave. I don't like to threaten Herbie. He has been trying to help us. But there's one thing Herbie is afraid of. Now stop, Herbie. Don't make me do it. Please do it, Grandma! Very well, Herbie. It so happens that I know this nice used-car lot... I would hate to call Mr. Honest Al, the used-car man. Of course, I never would do it. I don't think Herbie believes I would, either. But it works. What a lovely morning. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Did we get the name of the man who thinks he'll knock down my firehouse? It was Loostgarten, of the Loostgarten Wrecking Company. I'll write that down. We're going to need it. Thanks anyway for trying, Millie. Millie works on Hawk's airline, but can't find his address. - May I say something? - No. You didn't look after Grandma. We need his address or my idea won't work. - We'll think of something else. - I am going to say something. See, I've sent Uncle Alonzo a card every Christmas since I was seven. And here's his address. Willoughby! You're wonderful! Loostgarten speaking. This is Alonzo Hawk. Right, Mr. Hawk. There's been a change of plan. Don't knock down that firehouse. Instead, knock down - Right. - Write it down! Yes, Mr. Hawk. I don't want you blackballed in the wrecking-ball business, if you get what I mean. You were wonderful! Yes. I know it's three o'clock in the morning, but I can't sleep. You're my doctor, aren't you? Sometimes, old-fashioned remedies seem to work best, Mr. Hawk. - Have you tried counting sheep? - Sheep? Picture in your mind's eye a grassy, green meadow. A whitewashed three-rail fence. A flock of sweet little sheep. They begin to jump over the fence. One sheep... Six sheep. Seven sheep. Eight sheep. Nine sheep. Ten... Yeah, what is it? Sorry to disturb you at this time of night, but a guy in my job can't afford to make mistakes. What are you talking about? - That address you gave me? - What about it? You're sure it's the right address? Of course I'm sure, you idiot! I know it as well as I know my own address. Wait a minute. It is my own address! Loostgarten! No! Not this...! This is my house, you dumb jerk! This time, you're really through! You...! We beat him! I knew he'd cave in. He couldn't stand the heat. Hello? Good morning, Mr. Hawk. Now that it's over, I had to phone to say how much I admire the plucky fight you put up for that sweet little firehouse. Oh, thank you, Mr. Hawk. What caused my change of heart was an accident to my own little house. It brought home to me how terrible it is to lose something you really love. What happened, Mr. Hawk? Well, a very confused man came along and knocked down the whole side of it, smashed it to rubble. Someone knocked down Mr. Hawk's house. Oh, what a rotten shame! But it did serve a purpose. It made me realize that I can't knock down any more of San Franciscos beautiful old buildings. Don't worry your sweet grey head about it any more, is that clear? Yes, Mr. Hawk. Thank you, Mr. Hawk. And Mrs. Steinmetz, I'll drop by one day and have a cup of tea with you. Bye. I always said you'd do the finer thing, Mr. Hawk. What do you mean, fathead? Well, giving up Hawk Plaza. Are you fooled by this phony story? You can't go back on this. Oh, yes, I can! I can say I was misquoted. I can say they printed the story purposely to discredit me. Well, it's an old gag. It's out of my bag of tricks. We're still going after the old lady? Right for the jugular vein, baby. Right for the old jugular. I wish Grandma would hurry up. Can't celebrate without her. Still, it's a chance for a quiet talk without something always happening. Oh, thank you. Nicole, there's something I wanted to say. What's that, Willoughby? Did I ever tell you that my great-grandfather Whitfield was one of the first men to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel? Was he alright afterwards? I don't know. They never found him. I think I'll go call Grandma. The giant lobster is very good, sir. Of course. No lobster. I meant to call, dear. I just thought to myself what a fine time those two young people must be having without me. Grandma, I love you very much, but I've had enough of your matchmaking. Get over here. If I do marry Willoughby, I'd like to nail him myself. Well, go ahead without me, dear. I'll have a quiet evening at home. Goodbye, dear. Do go on with your wonderful story about the cows, Mr. Judson. I swear I never seen a handsome woman like yourself who had so much an interest in cows. That's quite natural, Mr. Judson. After all, a cow is not only useful but an extremely decorative animal. Ain't it just? Well, erm, as I was saying, I got this little 200-acre spread up in Oregon... What in tarnation are you doing that for? I'm not quite sure. I think I saw this once in a movie. Oh, no! Just let me get my hands on the brute responsible for this! Horsewhipping is too good for him. What on earth...? It's Mr. Hawk! Herbie, don't you dare! Every man for himself! Herbie must have gone for help. Hope he makes it to the fort. We must be cut off. OK, Steinmetz, we know you're in there. We've got you surrounded. I'll give you ten minutes to get your stuff together and get out, before I grind this dump to powder. Hold on, mister! This little lady's under my protection. She stays! Ten minutes, Steinmetz! To get back to my great-grandfather at Niagara Falls, I don't think I put it quite right. What I wanted to say was... ..though we Whitfield men look like rabbits, we have always liked a challenge. The scent of danger in our nostrils, the high road to adventure. Yes, Willoughby? That's why I want to go on seeing you. Not to deprecate your physical attributes, but because there is a feeling of danger about you, of something about to happen. You're right, Willoughby! Looks like we've just picked up a friend. Three minutes to go, Steinmetz. This is your last chance! Make your play, Hawk. We're standing pat. Captain Steinmetz would have liked you, Mr. Judson. - You're his kind of man. - Thank you, ma'am. Attention! One minute to zero. Gentlemen, start your engines. Here come the hostiles. We're ready for 'em! I think Captain Steinmetz would have liked you to wear this. Well, I'd be proud to, little lady. Mighty proud. - Power shovel number one, ready? - Ready, Mr. Hawk. Full speed ahead! Go! Fire. Stop! Help! Cease fire. Good shooting, Mr. Judson. That one won't bother us for a while. Harry, move in with the crawler! Alright, Mr. Hawk! Fire! Stop it! No! Cease fire. There goes another. We've got the devils on the run. Fire! Oh, no! - Are you alright? - Don't worry about me, ma'am. What we got to worry about is we're out of ammunition. This time we all go in together! We got nothing to regret, little lady. We done our best. Ready...! Drive! Drive! Let's get going. Get out of here! Hi, Grandma! Hi, there! Why, that rascal! She's got a man with her. No wonder she wouldn't come to our party. Faster! Wait a minute! Back! Look where you're going! How dare you raise your voice to me, you myopic oaf! What do you think you're...? Help! Herbie, that's enough, now. Think you're going to make him stop? Fat chance! Herbie, if you don't stop, you can't come to the wedding. - It's you again, Mr. Hawk. - Save me! They're after me! Who's after you? Those little cars. Hundreds of 'em. Can't you see them, idiot? Mr. Hawk, would you mind coming to my place of business? I would be happy to! And what happened then? Willoughby told Herbie to stop or he couldn't come to the wedding. Wait a minute. What wedding?