Movie Date: February 17, 1995

Excuse us. Jeez, get a room or something. All right! They're getting charged for those. Those books aren't cheap, either. What are you looking at? Hey, Gerry, isn't that your bus? Great way to start the summer. Wait! Stop the bus! Stop! Ha ha ha! Go, fat boy, go! # Everybody wants to live, and they want to live # # And everybody wants to love, and they want to love # # Everybody wants to be # # Closer to free # # Yeah, and yeah, yeah # # Everybody wants respect # Foul ball! Strike two! Little help here, son. Come on. Toss it over. # Once in a while # Unh! Give it another try, son. Right here! Over the fence, son! Here! Unh! # Everybody one, everybody two # # Everybody three # # Everybody needs to touch, you know, now and then # # And everybody wants a good, good friend # # Everybody wants to be closer to free # Lemonade, lemonade. # Everybody wants to live # # And they want to live # Mom! # Everybody wants to be # # Closer to free # Hello? We're in here, honey. Come on, son. Why is everybody home? Did someone die? Who's this? Hi, Gerry. Roger Johnson. Islanders fan, huh? Team of the future, I say. Yeah. Whatever, I'm out of here. Hold those horses, cowboy. Mr. Johnson is your guest... and he's here to talk to you about a special summer camp. A camp designed just for you, Gerry. Summer camp? No way! I have plans for the summer. I'm gonna hang out! Come on, honey. He's got a videotape. Why don't we take a little peek? Why don't we not? Greetings, future campers. I'm Alice Bushkin, and this is Harvey... and we've been the owners and operators... of Camp Hope for 32 wonderful summers. Won't you join us for number 33? Whoa! Hmm. What's that? This is called "the Blob." "The Blob," huh? You can go as high as 15 feet. Wow. Wow, go-karts. How many times can you go on the go-karts? As much as you want, Gerry. But be careful. They can be addicting. I'm only kidding. Hi, I'm Pat Finley! I've been coming here since I was 10 years old. Want to know why? Because Camp Hope is the fun way to lose weight. It's a fat camp! Are you crazy? No way! I'm not going to a camp with a bunch of fat-loads! - Gerry! - That's not kind, Gerry. We are doing this for your own good. We gotta nip this thing in the bud. I'm fine. This is a joke, right? You're fatter than I am. Why don't you go? You show your father some respect. I think we should have a little powwow... and we will call you with our decision later. I'll give you my decision right now. I'm not going. This is Captain Harris speaking... ...cruising altitude of 29,000 feet. Those of you on the left side of the aircraft... have a nice view of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Hey, there, Mr. Rainy Day. I've got a little surprise for you. Hmm? Huh? ...but in your seats... we request that you keep your seat belts fastened. Cutie. Great. Headed to fat camp? No. Why do you say that? Because you're fat. Is that your dad? No. Why do you say that? Because he's fat, too. Well, so are you. I know. That's why I'm going to fat camp. - I'm Roy. - I'm Gerry. I guess I'm going. I knew it! And that's your dad, too, isn't it? - Hell no! - You'll love camp, man. Camp is awesome. No one picks on you because you're not the fat kid. Everybody's the fat kid. Stick with me, Gerry, because I'm the man. Mr. Bushkin tells the scariest ghost stories you ever heard. Yes, have no fear, I have returned. I got a rookie here, and his name's Gerry... so show him the same amount of respect... that you show me--none. Excuse me! I'm looking for several portly adolescents. That's us. You're looking good, Pat. Tell me something I don't know. Let's load her up! Hey, hey! How you doing, guys? - Phillip, how are you? - This is Gerry. Hey, Gerry. I'm Pat Finley. I'm sure you recognize me from my work... in the Camp Hope promotional video. We have a little tradition, Gerry. The new guy drives to camp. Right, guys? Keep it under 70. We got some weird local cops. You drive a stick, right? No, but I can try. No, no, no. Sorry, cannot risk it. Come here a second. I gotta ask you something. Something very serious. Are you ready for the best damn summer of your life? Yeah! Is everybody gonna behave themselves this summer? - No! - Good! That's what I expect! Can't do it. Gotta get back to the camp! - Pull over, please! - Don't bug me! - All right! - Yeah! Ha ha! Psyched you out! - You stink, Pat! - That's not funny! I thought that was pretty amusing, myself. Garner, where you from? - Long Island. - Never heard of it. Sam, don't lean your head out the window. We lost six kids like that last summer. I'm not going to pick up your head. I don't need it anyway! Camp Hope, everybody! Best place on earth! Camp Hope! Camp Hope! Camp Hope! Camp Hope! Camp Hope! Camp Hope! Mm-hmm. All right, now in a nice, orderly fashion... get off my bus! It's stuck! I don't know what to do! It's stuck! - Heads up! - Unh! Here's another one! Hey, bony butt. How was your year, chicken legs? It's not funny, guys. Why are they teasing him? That's a counselor named Tim. He used to be one of us, but then he lost weight... so we give him a hard time about it. - He's cool, though. - Let's hear it. Tim, what happened, did you have a baby? That's funny. Just because I got these great, skinny buns of steel. Whoo! Look at that-- all tight and toned. Bet you wish they were yours. Don't you? Take a look, boys! The envy of the entire camp-- Up there is the bald eagle, which is a single breed... - Hi. - Hi. I'm Julie, the new nurse. Pat. Pat, I'm a little lost. Can you tell me where the infirmary is? Well, let's see... Uh...No. Oh, well...I'll find it. Nice to meet you. Pat, you've been coming here since you were ten... and you don't know where the infirmary is? I panicked. What are we gonna do with you, man? Help me with these bags, all right? - Garner. - Yeah? Let's get working on this trunk. OK. - You got a girlfriend? - Oh, no. So you broke up with her before the summer... so you could be free to play the field, huh? Yeah, you gotta play the field. Yeah, I break up with my girlfriend every summer. You gotta be free, you know? All right, put it down. This is it, Gerry. I've been the counselor in here for 10 years. I hope you're ready. You'll be hanging with some pretty cool cats. Josh, how you doing, man? Roy. I just saw the new nurse, and she's very attractive. This pleases me. Here it is! Ah, Chez Chipmunk-- my summer home. What do we got here? Gerry, this is Josh, camp legend. Aye-aye, Captain, sir. All present and accounted for, Captain, sir. What's the matter? You're not a captain? No. Then maybe you should lose the wings. Welcome to the Chipmunk bunk, Captain-- the best bunk in the entire camp. Yep! Sure is. You guys aren't gonna call me Captain all summer, are you? Yes, sir, Captain! Captain, looks like you're all set here. I gotta take care of some other stuff. You're the best, Pat. All right, take it easy. All right, Gerry, over here is your brand-new bunk. Don't tell anybody... but I snuck in some Oreos for emergencies. That was very sneaky of you. Chipmunks! Download, now! New kid! Yo! Come on over here! Get these salamis off my back. They really hurt. Phillip, look at this. That's pretty nice, Nicholas... but look at this. Yes! Crikey! I knew it was too hot in that bus. This is definitely not sanitary. Everyone! Grab a taste of England, guys! You'll love the Bushkins. Every year they surprise us... with something cool for the camp. Last year they got us the Blob... and this year I hear they're getting us jet skis. - Jet skis! - Here they come. - You'll love these people. - Really? Greetings, campers. Hi! Hi! Hiya! You'll get it. That's the greatest sound I've heard in a long time. Harvey and I are saddened and dismayed to announce... that we are no longer the owners of Camp Hope. - What? - What's going on? What are you talking about? Sometimes in life... things don't work out the way you planned... and in those situations, sometimes... you file Chapter 9 bankruptcy--Jesus! We worked our whole life, and what do we have to show? Nothing! Nothing! Harvey, please stop. What? OK, kids, out with the old, and in with the new. It won't be the same without them. Your new owner will introduce himself in a minute. But you know what I would like? Please, could you give us just one more... Camp Hope "Hi, hi, hiya"? Hiya. God bless all of you. We love you, Harvey! He's kidding, guys. He's gotta be. One word of advice. Never let anyone sign your checks! Harvey, please. You can't leave. We need you. Come back. - What are we gonna do? - I don't know, man. Now, it's time to meet your new owner and operator. Tony Perkis is a man who believes in you. His life is dedicated to saying things like... "Yes!" and "You better believe it!" Entrepreneur, a motivator, and a new friend... may I introduce Tony Perkis! Mm. Can you smell it? What? No. There's a life force in here tonight. Do you feel it? Hmm? I look around this room... and I see potential. I see the future chairman of a Fortune 500 company. I see a famous rap artist. I see the president of the United States of America. He's from England. Being an only child... educated entirely by private tutors my whole life... I'm looking forward to interacting... with children for the first time. I'm going to teach you... and I bet you might teach me a little something, also. Now, those of you from western Pennsylvania... probably know my father, Tony Perkis Senior... the Lighting Fixture King. All the lights you'll see around this camp... have been donated by him. But I'm gonna do old Dad one better. I'm not gonna give you a light. I'm gonna show you the light! And to help me do it... let's meet the new staff of Camp Hope. Team Perkis! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Ha! Ha! Ha! All right! Stand proud, boys! Hey, who wants to be on TV, huh? That's Kenny the cameraman. Hey, there, Kenny! If all goes according to plan... we're gonna turn this summer into the number-one... weight-loss infomercial in the country! You're kidding. Kids, at age 12... I weighed 319 pounds. I had bad skin, low self-esteem... and no self-respect. Now...I eat success for breakfast! - With skim milk. - Ugh. Pounds are gonna fly... and fat is outta here, mister! And we are gonna do it together! Oh, my God. Ha! Haaa... Aah! I want to go home! The Bushkins always put me in the Chipmunk bunk. I've been here for 10 years. According to my information... you have been reassigned to the big house. I don't think Tony would mind if we switched back. That would make me feel very uncomfortable. I'm gonna talk to Tony. Please do. Let me get your bag. Unh! Good-bye now. Enjoy your summer. Hello! I am your new friend and counselor! Please enjoy your new Perkis system uniforms. Your families will be billed automatically. Now, let's play the fun game... that helps us learn each other's names. We already know each other's names. Silence! You--please announce everyone's name. OK. That's Roy. That's Josh. Sam. That's Cody. That's Nicholas. That's Michael. That's Phil. And I am Lars. "Lars"? What kind of name is that? Where are you from? Far away. I must inform you I have a severely deviated septum. When I sleep at night... I make a very disturbing sound. Don't be alarmed. I am fine. Now, go to sleep. Oh, no. I'm dead. I'm in Heaven. Roy? Roy. What's going on? Wake up, campers. It's a glorious morning. Today is Evaluation Day. The key word here is "value." Do you have any? Not yet. But by the end of the summer... this camp will be filled with skinny winners! "Skinny weiners"? You hear that, guys? Do you think I'm crazy? I'm not crazy. I just believe in you. And I believe in you. Call and order now. All right, let's go get our hands dirty. # Ahh, freak out! # Glide! Stride! Get your butt off the ground! Concentrate! Find your center. # Freak out! # Stride! Glide! # Listen to us, I'm sure you'll be amazed # Stride! I'm feeling skinny, Tony. So am I! Aah! We keep this up, I see no reason... why we can't beat Camp MVP in the Apache Relay. What's an Apache Relay? It's a dumb inter-camp event where those jocks at MVP... come over here and kick our butts every year. # Ahh, freak out! # Only film the ones that are standing, Kenneth. Glide! Weight-loss goal, 17 pounds. Please step down. Next! Very fat, I see. 160 pounds. Weight-loss goal, 23 pounds. Ooh. Oh, my! Congratulations, Mr. Simms. You are the fattest boy in camp. All right, let's hear it for Simms. Get down! # Ahh, freak out! # # All that pressure got you down # Five and a quarter. # Has your head spinning all around # # Feel the rhythm # # Chant the rhyme, come on along # Big smile. # And have a real good time # Turn around to your side. Please put your fat finger down! # Freak out! # # Ahh, freak out! # You've broken my camera! No, no, no, you listen to me. If I don't get a 50,000 unit pre-sale on this video... my ass is wheat grass! Just hang on a second. Attention campers, tonight's lecture is... "Liposuction: Option or Obsession." Watch out for Salami Sam! Whoa! Hey, don't pee in the water! Don't drink the water. He peed in it! - Nurse Julie! - Whoa! Excuse me, Nurse Julie. I'm having a problem with my sciatic nerve. Perhaps later you could give me a deep-tissue massage. I'll pencil you in. Lars, shouldn't you be watching the kids? Don't worry, I have them on the body system. "Body system"? Yeah, have a look. Body! - Body! - Body! "Buddy." Heh heh. You're obviously a very powerful man, Lars. Would you excuse me? Yes, but with much difficulty! Buddy! All right, Gerry, it's your bat. Nicholas, you know what to do. Is this kind of like cricket? It's not kind of like cricket. It is cricket. Just with a different name. MVPers are almost here. Are the boys ready? Yeah. Tony, I really need to talk to you about this. Our kids will get their butts handed to them. Why don't we hold off on this? Thank you for telling me how to run my camp. That I bought. This won't help those kids get any better at sports! We're not teaching them about sports! We're teaching them about life! Life. Look! Come on, let's go! Let's do it! Go, go, go! I'm not so good at sports. Oh, yeah, and I'm Deion Sanders. We're dead, guys. All right, I want to see some hustle out there! - Hey, Chris. - Pat, how you doing? See you got a promotion. Yeah. Listen, Chris, over the years... you guys have whooped us pretty good. How about taking it easy on my guys this year? - You know what I mean. - No, I don't. MVP campers are trained to compete... at the highest level at all times. We wouldn't want to confuse them. Looking good, Pat. All right, let's work it around! Come on, men! Let's hit the field and let the fates decide. There we go-- good plan, all right! There you go! Eye of the tiger! Did you eat your Wheaties today, Phillip? I hope to God you ate your Wheaties. Simms, way to hustle. Like a rocket-- there you go. Pat Finley, please report... to the men's toilet immediately. Bring a mop and a! All right, who's up first? Let's go! Ohh, my arm! Oh, my knee! Ohh, my-- # Even the best gets beat sometimes, baby # Come on, lardo! Tim, take me out, please! # You got to hang tough # - Ohh! - Out! # You got to hang tough # Whoo-hoo-hoo! Beautiful! Can I go to the nurse? Yeah, OK, Phillip. Just wait till someone comes back, OK? Ow, my arm. Cody, what on earth is going on out there? We're Perkisizing. Strike! Hey, batter, batter, batter. # Even the experts miss sometimes # Strike! Strike three! Strike! Nice swing, you fat towboat. Ha! Is that all you've got? Uhh! That's foul! Doh! All right, next batter. Let's go, son. - Uhh! - Look out! - Ow! - Sorry! You can do it. Keep your eyes on the bat... put it in the pocket... swing harder... I have no idea what I'm saying. Ohh! You OK? There goes your perfect game. Come on! Calm down. Let's go! Take your base, you big baby! You're holding up the game! # You got to hang tough # He ain't hurt. Suck it up, Gerry! Aww, look, the poor baby's gonna cry. Don't blubber, chubber! Ha ha. Uhh! Don't mess with us. No, man, that's my bed! I don't enjoy this part of the job. But it's vital to the success of the Perkis system... that we remove all temptation... Ohh! ...from your lives. Here. Dispose of that, Lars. What? I'm still your friend. Come on, give me a hug. Hmm? Hmm. Come on. Tony believes in you. Looks like my man's packing. Drop back, son. Oh, Tony. Sir! I was a Chipmunk last year. Look. Dawson, what are you doing, man? Well, well, well, what have we here? Who would like to own up to this treasure trove? Whose wonderful candies are these? Oh, look. A deli meat. You...come here. Yes, you. Come here. Don't be frightened. Just come here. - I.D. cards. - Yes, Tony. Let's see. "Garner, Gerald. You didn't have anything to do with this, did you? Well... But I bet you might be able to tell me who did? Anyone who brings candy into this camp... is not your friend. He is a destroyer. Do you understand that, Gerald Garner? Do you? I'm sure your father... Maury Garner, wouldn't want to hear... that his son is a destroyer, would he? I don't think so. Enough. All right. I'll tell you whose candy it is. - Don't do it, Josh! - Shh! Let the man speak. The candy belongs to Seymour Butts. Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts?! Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony! You picked the wrong man to mess with. Ooh. I didn't know I was messing with a man! Ha ha ha ha ha! We have a comedian! Hey, I like comedians. Perhaps I can book you on a tour. You the man, Josh! Good morning, campers. Joshua Birnbaum is no longer with us. His bed is now available. Josh is all right, isn't he? Man, I hope so... wherever he is. Sam, did you hear about Josh? Sorry to hear about your little friend Josh. Hey, Gerry. I found out the truth about Josh. I heard that they kicked him out... and his parents were so mad, they wouldn't let him come home. They left him at a bus stop all alone at midnight. Well, he's dead. He pulled a knife on Tony... and he's locked up in a juvenile delinquent center. Now he's living in the park in New York... with a guy who has no legs. No way. I'm just telling you what I heard. Dear Grandma... someone once said "War is hell." They've never been to fat camp. I knew the food would be bad... but even worse... today he killed the Blob. As for the go-karts... may they rest in pieces. I'm writing you... because nobody else seemed to care. I did not send you to go-kart camp. Attention, campers... lunch has been canceled today due to lack of hustle. Deal with it. Tony Perkis tries to lead by example. This is the eighteenth level of the Perkis system. You'll all be doing this by Labor Day! All right, do it to it, Lars! It's my honor, Tony! - Ohh! - Crazy! But we're afraid to follow. I know each and every one of you because I was you. Once a day, the kids from Camp MVP drive by... and make fun of us. You stink! You stink! You stink! Good one! At night, they vandalize our camp. At least Josh got out... where there's food. We have to resort to more desperate measures. Let's get 'em! I want meat! I'll save something for you! Tony's arranged a dance with the girls' camp... so he can humiliate us into losing weight. Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry. # S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night # # S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y, night # # Gonna keep on dancin' to the rock 'n' roll # # On Saturday night # # Saturday night # # Dancin' to the rhythm in our heart and soul # # On Saturday night... # Let's just get out of here. We can't, man. They're guarding the door. # I--I--I--I got a date # Rock 'n' roll. # At the good old rock 'n' roll road show # Sugar-free punch. This bites. How much more are they gonna subject us to? Why don't those guys just lose weight? Why don't you show them how to throw up after meals? - Shut up. - You shut up. You guys, stop it. Team Jerkis strikes again, huh? Do you think he could've possibly planned... for it to be this bad? Yes. I have some friends in Child Welfare. Tony must be doing something illegal around here. Maybe I should give them a call. - Great. - This really bites! Would you like to have some of this...punch? Yeah, thanks. # I believe in miracles # Did you catch Lars's outfit? # Since you came along # # You sexy thing # Yo, check this out. Jeez, she's coming over! I think she's looking at me. Do you know where the bathroom is? Ouch. That was brutal. They're young, you know? Still afraid of girls. Poor guys. So, do you want to dance? Um, uh... No, I have a bad...sprained... Excuse me. Tim? # You sexy thing # OK. This is really boring. This has got to end. # Oh-oh-oh, yeah # Excuse me, guys. # I'm just a love machine # # And I won't work for nobody but you # # Yeah, baby # # I'm just a love machine # Tim's blown a microchip! Tim! Tim! What are you doing? Saving the dance. Come on. The girls will see how much fun we're having... and then everyone will join in! That's weird, Tim. Maybe it is, Reverend No-Fun... but I am saving the dance. Stand back and watch the magic! Whoo! # I-I-I'm just a love machine # # And I won't work for nobody but you # # Ohh, yeah # Yeah! Oh, yeah! Get down to the funk! Don't you see how much fun we're having? Join in! It'll be contagious! It's called boogie fever! - Whoo! - That's it! Nicholas, dance with me. Oh, yes! Shake a leg! Let's go! # And I won't work for nobody but you # Maybe we should go out there. It's just dancing. OK. I guess I can stand this song. # Yeah, baby # # A huggin' kissin' fiend # Yes. Yes! Excuse me. May I have the pleasure of this dance? Yes, you may. # That you have got to use # # If you look into my file # # I am sure you can find out how # # To turn me on, just set my dial # # And let me love you for a little while # # Ooh-ooh, I-I-I'm just a love machine # # And I won't work for nobody but you # # Ooh, yeah # # I'm just a love machine # # Yeah, baby # # A huggin' kissin' fiend # # La la-la-la-la # # La-la-la-la # # La-la # # Ooh-ooh-ooh # # La la-la-la-la # # La-la-la-la # All right, dance is over! Everybody go home! Thank you for coming, ladies. You ruin everything! Buses are waiting over there. Thank you. I appreciate your efforts. I know this hasn't been easy. He was nice, too. Put the fruit trays away. The insects will be out soon. Hey. How about a ride out of here? Did this place always stink this much? No, Gerry. This place used to stink very little. In fact... it didn't stink at all. Well, it does now. I thought at least I'd be able to ride the go-karts. I've never ridden one. You really like them? I'm so slow. It would've been cool to go fast. Really fly, you know? I thought I'd be good at it. Really? That's interesting. Think you'd be able to handle those hairpin turns? - Yeah. - Oh, yeah? Think you'd be able to handle That powerful engine? Let's see what you got, Garner. Come on! Whoo! Lean into it! That's right! So, how did you learn how to drive go-karts? Mowed a lot of lawns, Gerry! Avoid the obstacles! Excellent! Sharp turn! - Whoo! - Yeah! Come on, faster! Faster, faster, yeah. No problem. How are you on your jumps, huh? - These things jump? - They fly, buddy! Watch out for that oil slick! Aaah! Aah! Aaaah! That was fun. Let's do it again. - OK. - Yes! As soon as I catch my breath. Maybe next summer. Come on, Pat. Josh? Josh? It's Josh. - Josh is back! - Josh! Josh! - Man, good to see you! - I knew you were OK! Josh, what's wrong? What'd they do to you? Josh...speak to me. Were you in jail? The nut house? Josh, it's me--Gerry. Gerry. Pbbbbt. Heh heh. Funny, Josh. What happened, man? Talk to us. Josh was bad. What's he mean? Oh, man. Oh, jeez. Josh now good. Good? What do you mean? Must be... good to see my big ass again! I liked you better with the lobotomy. What really happened, man? Perkis sent me home without a refund. However, my dad's a lawyer. He threatened to sue and Perkis caved... like the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl. Hey, Josh, how long have you been shaving? A couple of years. What was it like on the outside? It was incredible. First, I went to the Sizzler! Got that all-you-can-eat meal. I closed the place. How are we fixed for supplies on this end? Perkis wiped us out. There isn't a Gummi Bear left in this entire camp. Whew. I am doggin' it this morning. Ahh. Come on, T. Now let's do it up. Whew! Start me up. Come on. Hurry up, guys. We don't have all day. Lift those legs. Looks pretty sturdy, guys. - Hurry up, man. - I'm trying. Roy, you're up first. Give it a shot. Simms, you're my lookout man. Give me a boost. Up, up. Uhh! Aah! All right. Gerry, check this room out. Roy, Nicholas, you guys come with me... and be quiet about it. That candy's gotta be in here somewhere. I'll find the candy. Where's the sweets? - Over here. - What do you got? Come on, you devil log! Uhh! Oh! - Hurry up. - All right, all right. "Perkisize with Tony"? That's me! I'm skinny. - Come on, Josh! - I'm trying! If you can't get it, we need to leave. Yeah! Uhh! Thanks, Captain. I'm doggin' it, Pat! Letters? You guys, these are our letters home. No way. This guy is sick! This is the letter I wrote my grandma! Oh! Pack it up, guys. Let's move! Oh, no. We're dead! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! Roy, the picture! Josh, the drawers! Put the whites away, Gerry. Help me! - Whites right here. - Just throw it in! Oooooo-ahhhh! Wait a sec! Where's Nicholas? You guys go. I'll get him. Let's move it, Roy. Nickie! Nicholas! Mmm! What are you doing? He's coming! Get down. Gerry, come on! - Oh, my. I didn't mean to. - Just go! Uhh! Oh! Uhh! Scatter! Coast clear? - That was close. - Clear! - Whoo! - We did it. You really showed some guts out there, Cappy. One of those fish and chips farts there, Nickie? I extend my deepest apologies-- Wait! Wrapper. - What? - Food wrapper. Come on! Who's in there? What have you got? Nothing! No one! Just go away! Where'd you get that?! I found it? You found it. Come here, you little punk! - Tell us! - Yeah, tell us! All right! OK! I'll tell you! You gotta keep it a secret. # I know a guy who's tough but sweet # # He's so fine, he can't be beat # # He's got everything that I desire # # Sets the summer sun on fire # # I want candy # # Go to see him when the sun goes down # # Ain't no finer boy in town # # I want candy # # I want candy # # Hey! # OK, everyone. Here we go. Hey, I'm not rolling yet. Are you rolling now, Kenneth? - Speed. - Does that mean rolling? Yes, it does. OK, everyone. Clap your hands! We've reached the midpoint of our great experiment. Parents' Day is just around the corner... and I think they're gonna be very, very pleased. Remember to wear your name tags. I don't think they'll recognize you. Now it's time to see... what the Perkis system means in pure loss of poundage. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. Phillip Rubinoff, step up, son. All right, let's see how you're doing... you little whippersnapper. You're two pounds heavier than when you came to camp... but we can fix that. All we have to do... is decrease his food intake... and increase his metabolic output. All right! Step off the scale, son. Muscle weighs more than fat! All right! OK! Gerald Garner. Step on up, Gerald. - Good luck. - Go get 'em, Captain. Hello, Gerald. Moment of truth. Hmm? You've gained nine pounds. Have you been cheating? Turn off the camera. Let me make something very clear. The Perkis system does not work... with cheaters like Gerald Garner, OK? How can I sell an infomercial about fat kids... who can't keep their piggy little snouts shut? Who's gonna buy that? Step off the scale. OK. Turn on the camera. Josh Birnbaum, step on up! Get on the scale, son! All right! - Get off the scale. - OK, then. Turn off the camera. All right. All right, fine. I blame myself. You know what? I don't blame myself. No, not this time, Tony. Excuse me one second. How you doin', little Tony? Bad. Why do you feel bad? Because everything's falling apart... and I can't do anything about it. It's not your fault. I know it's not my fault, but whose fault is it... if it's not my fault? It's their fault. That's right. It's their fault! You have failed, and you will pay! Tomorrow morning at 0600... everyone who has not met their weight loss goal... will join me on a 20-mile hike. Pack light, boys. The party's over. Twenty miles? Tony! Tony, sir, with all due respect... I don't think it's healthy to subject the-- Healthy? Oh, healthy! The fat man is gonna tell me what's healthy! I'm just saying that-- You just--You--I-- I think if-- To subject the kids-- Know what? It's funny. Nobody really cares what you have to say. You're a negativity-spreader. You're contaminating my well, Finley... and I won't have it. Let's make the best of this afternoon. It's OK, man. Forget it, Pat. Hey. They're having a barbecue over at Camp MVP tonight. Carolina ribs. The pork, not the beef. I wonder what it would feel like to be one of those guys. Just once I want to score a winning touchdown. In my entire life... I've never scored a point in anything. Gerry. I'm just so tired of being the fat guy. I know, Pat... but you don't want to be one of those guys. They're jerks. Forget them. Yeah, forget them. Yeah. Forget you! Keep your washboard stomachs and your oily muscles! I don't want them! I'm still tired of being the fat guy. Come on, Pat. You're cool. Everybody knows that. I feel cool. Being humiliated by that psycho today was pretty cool. Oh, yeah. I've been a lot of help to you guys. At least you stood up to him. Nobody else had the guts to. We should've backed you up. When are we going to start sticking up for ourselves? Now, Gerry. How about right now? Yeah. Let's go get everybody and kick his ass! Yeah! Hold it. Whoa, whoa. We got to be smart here. There's some proper channels to go through... but you get those guys through the hike tomorrow. I'll do everything I can back here. You be the leader now, Captain. He is one, we are many. His days are numbered. - He's not so tough. - Yeah! This is the day we separate the men from the boys. Hightail it back to camp, Lars. It'll be a rough one. I don't want to see any slackers or hear any whiners. There'll be no food. This is a cleansing hike. Just Father Sky, Mother Earth... and your dear old Uncle Tony. Use the swatting motion as an isometric exercise. My dogs are killing me. Gosh, somebody going to die today. Call 911. Did you ever hear the story of Icarus... who continually rolled the ball up the hill? But when he got too close... the ball melted in the heat of the sun. You're all like Icarus. Aah! Aah! - Whoa! - Aah! Thank you, Gerry. Uhh! Get up, Cody. Leave him. He's a straggler. Stragglers must be left to fend for themselves. I was. Get up, Cody. We need to go. Did you talk to Child Welfare? They'd be glad to come out and investigate... but they can't come for two weeks. That's too long. What did your lawyer buddy say? It's dicey. We don't have any hard evidence. Tony's the hard evidence. Just look at him. That's what the lawyer said. - So we have nothing. - Basically. You guys seen Tony? That moron owes me 600 bucks. I'll kill that guy. Busting my ass around here for nothing. Feel the chi. Repulse the monkey. Part the wild horse's mane. I say we push him. No jury in the world could convict us. Strike the chi. No. Too messy. We can do better. Great. You've all done much better than expected... so I've got a little surprise for you. I've decided to extend the hike indefinitely. - What? - That's right. You won't return to camp... Until you're in the leanest, meanest... bestest shape of your short lives... with one goal in mind-- to defeat Camp MVP in the Apache Relay. Quite the ending to a late-night infomercial, hmm? We don't want to play MVP. We want to have fun. Yeah! Cody wants to have fun. All right, Cody, let's have some fun. Whee-ha! - Oh, my-- - Whoa! I'm on the top of the world! Yeah! How's this for fun, Cody? Sam? Why don't you come out and join me? I'm on my way. He's going to get us killed. - We got to do something. - Yeah, but what? What's that? I missed it. I was just saying we need a little rest. Good idea. Let's take an hour meditation break. Then we're going to climb that 1,000-foot rock face... over there with our bare hands and feet. I know you can do it. Until then, observe the silence of the chi. - Shoot. - Let's do something. I don't know. Ohmmmm... - You're lying. - I don't believe in you. You can't do it! Hahh! Cripes. What is all the commotion? We realize we've been lazy, and we want to change. It's time we all got our acts together, buddy. Good! Good! It's amazing what a little food deprivation... can do to adjust your attitude, huh? Can I ask you a question? Go ahead, Roy. Ask away. Is it possible to do a sit-up if you can't see or hear? Yes, Roy, it is possible. Gerry says it's impossible. Why don't we rock Gerry's world? Come on. Uncle Tony's going to do a little demo. There are so many myths about the abdominal muscles. I am happy to put this one to rest. See, Gerry? I told you. Now, remember, Uncle Tony... don't get up till the count of three. - I know the rules. - OK, good. All right, everyone. Ready? One, two, three! Kiss my butt! Oh, my! Oh, my! Haah! Uhh! Uhh! Pretty impressive stuff, huh, Tony? You disgust me. Come here! Come here! Get out of my way! What are we waiting for? Come on! Run, Josh! Halt! Run! Run! Go! Ow! Ooh! Hamstring! Well, congratulations. You've just joined the 76% of Americans... who forget to stretch before physical activity. Aah! Let me see. Ohh... Uhh. Uhh. Gentlemen... we've reached the point of no return. Yeah! The only problem is, Kenny wants a lot of money. How much? Much more than they pay camp counselors. Great. Why don't we have a bake sale? What are you doing back already? Where's the other guys? You OK? I'm fine, I'm fine. Good. We're still working on a plan to get rid of Tony. Wait till you hear what we got. That's great, guys... but we came up with a plan of our own. That is so cute. Whatever. Come with me. I have got a bad feeling. Just try to stay open-minded. - Password, please? - Yankee doodles. Oh, good God. Ooh! Uhh! This is unbelievable. So, what was your plan? What do you think you're doing? Taking over the camp. - Oh, good God! - This is insane! This is great. Pat, you know what? He snapped. He was swinging from a branch. He was going to make us climb a mountain. Guys, you can't kidnap the owner of a camp. They give people the chair for this. It was self-defense. You got to believe us. I believe you. This ends right now. Get out of my way, Simms. Yankee doodles. Tony, I'm so sorry. I'll untie you right away. Uhh! Thank you. When this is all over, I'm going to deliver... one well-placed kick to your groin... that'll stop you from ever having children... you worthless piece of-- Are these ropes tight enough? We can get more. I was going to help you out, but now... I have to take you down. - All right! - Yeah! Go! I always wanted to say that to somebody. Guys, it looks like we have to play this out. I think there might be a way out of this... but if we're going to succeed... we have to stick together and work as a team. Uhh! I'll see you all in hell! Oh! With all the bears in these woods, Lars... I doubt that you'll be seeing much of anything. - Bears love honey. - Honey? Chipmunks, move out. Lars, have a nice summer. - I didn't mean it. - Heh heh heh! I'm sorry. I... Ow! Aah! I hate you! You're awful! Please help me! I have candy. Candy. Good boy. You've come to free me. Ohh! Think we're going a little too far here, guys? No, man. There are no bears in these woods. Aah! Aah! No bears, huh? Aah! Help me! Don't you have any decency? Help me! Look at the little deer. Mr. Deer, I am a vegetarian. Yeah! Wake up, Tony. Tonight is Evaluation Night. The key word here is "value." Do you have any? No way, because you're a loser-- a loser with a skinny wiener. So, relax... and repeat after me. I am a loser. I smell. I have no friends. Now breathe and relax. Please, shut that off! Ohh! - Whoa! - Whoa! Wow! All right! Thank you very much for stopping on by. Pass it on by. I'll take one of those. Party! Yeah! Oh, my gosh. Is that Tim? Whoo-hoo! He looks like a human s'more. Look at that food. I should get down there. No, Pat, don't go. Stay here with me. - Aah! - Shut up. Hey, Lars, guess what? We're in charge now. Know what we found out? If you don't have a job, you get deported... so, Lars, buddy, pal... you with us, or are you against us? I am with you. I love you. I thought they were supposed to be on diets. I think they're cheating. Good God! Can anybody hear me? Excuse me. Time to wake up, children. Good morning! Huh? Huh? Who wants to tell us the lesson we learned here? Don't put Twinkies on your pizza. No. I think what we learned here... is something about personal responsibility. From now on, each of us... is in charge of their own diets. We have to learn some self-control. Isn't that right, Tim? You got it. I'm ashamed of all of you. Come on! We got to get healthy for ourselves. If we'd start respecting ourselves... no one can touch us. That's right. You heard me. We're as good as anybody... and it's about time we started acting that way. We got to take control of ourselves... before we take control of this camp. Who's with me? Who wants to do this thing right? It's up to you. I will. - Everybody ready? - Yeah! OK, let's go! Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? - Fruit. - That's right. Today, we're going to make pasta primavera. Hey, how you doing? - There he is. - Hey, I'm over here! Gerry! Oh! Hey, big guy. Look at you. - You look the same. - I feel good. That's important, too. So? Come with me. I'll take you around. - He hasn't lost a pound. - Oh, Maury. Don't be frightened, Nicholas. I'm a beaten man. Good afternoon, everyone. Good afternoon. I'm Pat Finley. You probably recognize me... from my work in the Camp Hope promotional video. Right now, I'd like to play another video... to show you people just what it's been like... so far this summer. This'll be great. Enjoy. Aah! Die! Yaah! As a health care professional... I would like to take this opportunity... to warn you that Tony Perkis's program... is not only ineffective, it's downright dangerous. # Everywhere I go, I'm late # My grandma runs faster than you... and she's only got one leg! Say it one more time, because it'll multiply. - 40 push-ups? - 60! Down! Now! - 80! - I can't-- He is strict. Kiss the ground, joker boy. Would you get your foot off my back? Now you see what we've been dealing with. Why didn't you tell us about this? You've been a good guard, Nicholas-- strong and fair. Your queen would be proud. I'd like to reward you with this chocolate kiss. Oh! Yeah! Where have you been all my life? I'm going to love this. Oh, my God. I'm going to be sick. Nice touch. I thought I'd spice it up a little. It gives you that warm feeling inside? Throw it over. But it would smush. That wouldn't be good. No dinner, no lunch, no breakfast. How's that grab you? Take the candy. Nice and chocolatey. Chocolicious. Whoops. Butterfingers. Aah! Well, well... looks like London bridge is falling down, huh? Help! How do you like the food here at Camp Hope? It's good stuff. Wait till I finish asking you the question. Just say, "I love the food." - I love the food. - Good. Here we go. So, Josh, how do you like the food here? I love the food. Wait until I finish the question! Damn! Forget it! If he isn't stopped right away... somebody's child-- maybe yours-- will be hurt. Ho ho ho ho ho! Yes! That was wonderful! Whoo! So entertaining. The cinematography, the editing techniques. Though I must say... the villain was a bit over the top. Ouch. Everyone having fun? Parents! You're the cause of all my--damn problems! He escaped! Why you little British butterball... I ought to show you what it means to be an American! Now you realize what we've been dealing with. He has to be stopped! Oh, ho ho! Stop me, hmm? Uhh! I'm too strong! Uhh! Ah! I'm too motivated! And you're too weak! Aah! Uhh! Especially you, Garner, Gerald... age 11, 141 pounds! So, come on! You want a piece of me, Pops? 'Cause no one's taking this camp away from me! Ooh! I'm afraid you're wrong. You are through here. - Are you OK? - I'm all right. You have to take a stand. Uhh! Guhh! Oh! Uhh! Ahh! - We did it, Roy. - Yes, we did. Sorry to ask you to deal with this, Mr. Perkis. That kid was always a little off. My parents didn't hug me. You don't see me freaking out like a little baby. I'm going to take a bath on this. Listen, everybody... don't freak out, don't call your lawyers. We'll get you your money back. We make nice, everybody's happy, But for now, we close down the camp. Everybody go home. Have a nice summer. I got to get out of here. I'd love to chat. Good luck to all of you. - Say something. - Mr. Perkis, sir. Papa. Papa, we don't want to go home. Wait a minute. If you kids want to stick it out... all I need to do is put an adult in charge-- put it on the responsibility clause for the insurance. Who's been here the longest? - Four years. - One year. - Two. - Four years. - Three. - Five. Eighteen years. Eighteen? - Whoa. - 18 years. What the hell have you been doing with yourself? Are you up to it? Pat. Pat. Pat! Pat! Pat! I'll sure try. Hooray. Ooh, yeah, OK. Congratulations. Here you go. Do the hokey-pokey and knock yourself out. All right, Pat. Enjoy yourselves. You deserve it. I'm proud of you. Dear Grandma... things have really turned around at camp. We're finally having a great time. Uhh! Whoo! Yee-haw! We're in control, and we like it. We're putting things back to the way they were... and no one is going to mess it up again. Hey, Chris. Where's the motor, man? With Pat in charge... we are united, and we are strong. Can I get that wrench, Phillip? Thank you. Josh, how we doing? Got a bent axle over here. We can do anything... even take on Camp MVP in the Apache Relay. And we can win--I think. Welcome, everybody... to the 33rd Annual Apache Relay games-- the favorites, Camp MVP... versus the perennial losers, Camp Hope. This relay today will consist of three parts-- an obstacle course, the Hall of Intelligence... and the Grand Prix. May the best team win. All right, Cody, give it your best shot. Put a little pizzazz in it. On your mark, get set... Get up, get up! Uhh! Looks like an MVP romp again, folks. Uhh! Go, go, go! Here, take it! Whoa! Keep going. You got it, man. Yeah. It's just a couple more. Come on. Up. All right, here. OK. All right. Ready? Uhh! Yeah! - Aww. - Give me the balloon. All right. You can do it. It's easy. - Yeah! - Yeah! I know you thought we'd get creamed... but I don't think you'll get creamed riding this. Whoa! Did a little work on the motor. Whoa. You better take that feather off. I don't think it'll fit under this. Camp MVP is setting a course record... as they move into the Hall of Intelligence. Solve the equation. - 55. - No. - 17? - Nein. Nine is the answer? "Nein" is German for "no." Artist and title, please. Cher? No. Solve the equation. Eleven. Wunderbar. You may advance. You must now name five American vice presidents. Quayle. - George Washington. - No. - Quayle. - You said that already. Cher? Da Vinci's "Mona Lisa." Van Gogh's "Houses at Auvers." Botticelli's "La Primavera." Over at the Hall of Intelligence... Camp Hope has almost caught up to Camp MVP. Can you believe it? This is going to be quite some finish, folks. Right is gas, left is brake. - Alexander Haig? - Sorry. - Caught you. - Shut up. Nicholas, name five American vice presidents. Levi P. Morton, John Calhoun... Hubert Humphrey, Spiro Agnew... Walter Mondale. That's perfect. You may advance. You Americans have no sense of history. Home stretch! Go, go! Accelerate into the turns. Don't forget. Use your weight. Lean into them. Be careful. This guy drives dirty. - Thanks, Pat. - Go get 'em. Nicholas! Come on! I don't want to put any pressure on you, Big Al... but we have never lost this race, all right? Don't forget your wings, man. Take 'em down, Captain. Yeah! Ah ha! Hey! Back off! Whoa! Ha ha! So long, sucker! Whoa! Aah! Uhh! Oh, shoot! Come on! Oh, no! Oh! Go, Gerry. They're coming! All right, all right. Go! Go, Gerry! Hey! Come on! - Come on! - No! Unh! He's still behind! He can't pass! Come on! Unh! No way! Come on, Captain! Come on, baby! Ohhh. Oooooooh! Aah! Yeah! Oh! All right, Gerry! - I flew, Pat! - I know! Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray! - Yeah! - All right! You'll be happy to know that we're filing a formal protest. That cup belongs to us. Oh, the cup? This is what you want? This is what your life is all about, Chris? I tell you what, I'll airmail it... back to camp for you, all right? Take care of that, Simms? You're crazy! You bet I'm crazy. Come on! Get that cup! - Oh! - Crazy about my gal. Whoo! Whoo! Hey, Pat... thanks for the best damn summer of my life! Same here, Captain. Whoo! All right, guys! Let's sing the inspiring Camp Hope song! Aw, come on! Here we go! # Camp Hope, Camp Hope, we sing to thee # Come on, guys, sing! # The greatest camp in history # # A place for boys-- # Come on, Tim, that song's boring. Sing something cool. You want to hear something cool? OK, cats, let's rock it. Yow...huh! # Camp Hope, Camp Hope, the place for boys # # We got no girls, we got no toys # # The bunks are hard, the cabins hot # # Last night, a snake crawled in my cot # # Make sure the shower door is shut # # Or else the 'squitos bite your butt # # And don't swim past when your friends make # # A warm spot in the lake # All right, guys, you're getting the hang of it! Come on! # Camp Hope, Camp Hope, please give us food # # We're starving in a rotten mood # # But still we're hanging with our friends # # So we hope summer never ends # All right! Sounds good! Here we go! # Here's a tip that you should try # # If people laugh when you walk by # # Just walk right up and proudly state # # Hey, back off, Jack, I'm a heavyweight # # Back off, Jack, we're all heavyweights # All right, guys! Hey, look who's here! # My name is Pat, And he's our pal # # And I'm Nurse Julie, She's Pat's gal # # You know I'm Tim, And we're his band # # And I am Kenny the cameraman # Stop! Stop that stupid song! You call that music? # I know you think you're all rock stars # # But here's an oompah song from Lars # # About my favorite Camp Hope job # # The day that I harpooned the Blob # # And just to make it very clear # # I was not scared of that big deer # # And although Tony is not here # # I still enjoy Camp Hope # Thanks, Lars. That's great. All right, guys, you ready to take it home? - Yeah! - Let's rock! # Camp Hope, Camp Hope, we all had fun # # And now our time here's almost done # # But we'll come back again next year # # Because our friends will all be here # # And here's a tip that you should try # # If people laugh when you walk by # # Just walk right up and proudly state # # Back off, Jack # # I'm a heavyweight! # All right, guys, that sounds great, yeah! We got a bunch of heavyweights here? Are you guys heavyweights? I said, are you guys heavyweights? Gerry, are you a heavyweight? - Yeah! - All right, Gerry! Now the rest of you guys! Are you all heavyweights? Yeah! Counselors, are we all heavyweights? Yeah! We're heavyweights! - Pat, are you heavyweight? - I'm a heavyweight! Nurse Julie, are you a heavyweight? I'm a heavyweight! - Lars, are you a heavyweight? - I'm a heavyweight, Tim! Kenny the cameraman, are you a heavyweight? - Yes, I'm a heavyweight. - We're all heavyweights! So, Lars, you think you're coming back next year? I don't know, Tim. I live very far away. We'll fly you in. Kenny the cameraman, think you can make it back? I might be able to work something out. That'd be very nice. What do you say, guys? Does Camp Hope rule? Pat, did you hurt yourself on the Blob? Yeah. I tore my rotator cuff. Good afternoon. I know what you're thinking. "Another guy hawking healing crystals door-to-door." I don't like to call them crystals. I like to call them "transformational facilitators." Perhaps--

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