Movie Date: August 6, 2003
Honey, wake up. - No. - Anna. Greet the day. Honey, you gotta wake up. Ow! That's it! Oh! I have had it! - Aah! Anna, hurry up! What? I'm ready. Would you settle on a station? Okay! I'm going to get a little stud here, okay? I don't want my maid of honor looking like a harlot. Come on, Mom. Everyone's got one. Everyone? Harry, everyone has one. I can't believe you! You're ruining my life. You know what? End of discussion. Feet down. Okay. If I can drive. - Did you bring your permit? - No. I can't find it. - You can't find it? - Ha ha! What did you do with it, troll? Why do you always have to blame him? You couldn't find anything in your room. Why do you always take his side? Oh, look, Anna, let's not do this now, please. And fix your shirt. - Look, there's Stacey Hinkhouse. - Joy. Hi, Stacey. Hi, Mrs. Coleman. Congratulations on your big day. Thanks a lot. Say hi to your mom. - Okay, bye. - Okay, bye. Hi, girls. You never see Stacey anymore. - How is she? - Evil. She hates me now. Why? Would you leave your brother alone? See? She always starts it. Bye, honey. Make good choices. She had the same shirt? Yeah, but this looks okay, right? - Sure. - Yeah. So it's cool? - No. - Oh, definitely not. - Oh, kill me. - Anna, what? I can't believe it. It's Jake. He's gonna think I'm so stupid, I can't even put on a shirt. You've never even met the guy. Guess what? He doesn't care. He's not even looking. He's totally looking. - I think he's gonna talk to you. - Shut up. Oh! Thanks. Sorry. Why would I want a leprechaun ice sculpture? I'm not even Irish. [Cellphone rings] Could you hold on? [Beeping] Señora, Señora! Cuidado! Cuidado! I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir. Mr. Bates, I don't understand this "F". You missed the point of the book. It's " ." How could anyone miss it? It's a blatant attack on totalitarianism. About a rigid society, dominated by one all-powerful, ego-tripping dictator. My grade is final. Except he had hair. Anna! Hello, Anna. What do you have today? Meat loaf. Turkey. [Humming] Evan, I'm so sorry. I had some car trouble. Okay. I thought you forgot about me. I could never forget about you. I see you every day. What about tomorrow? Is this new? Am I gonna see you tomorrow? You're gonna see me tomorrow, but not next week, because I'm going on my honeymoon. Oh, my God! You're not coming back. - All my therapists quit on me. - I'm not gonna quit on you. I'm gonna be available on my cellphone. I checked. There's no service on the north side of the island. It will be fine. Okay. I've had a better week. You're counting the minutes, aren't you? No. How many minutes are left? . All right, this morning was good. But then I got up. Ohh! Great. No. No, no, no. Absolutely not. I said no salmon. No, it has to be halibut. Well, I don't care about the extra cost. - How much is it? - [Cellphone rings] Hold on one second. Hello? Hi, Harry. No, you may not touch the power tools. Yes, I would consider the lawnmower to be a power tool. Okay. I'll see you at home. - Okay. Halibut. - [Beeping] Could you hold on one second? Hello. Dr. Coleman. Yes, Elizabeth. Yes, Elizabeth, I'll be at the appointment tomorrow. Okay, good. And, Elizabeth, remember, you are a smart, strong, beautiful, independent woman, and you don't need a man to complete you. Thank you. Goodbye. Excuse me. Is this yours? Thanks. Tenor medium. So, what do you play? I play my dad's old Telecaster. Nice. Cute shirt. Thanks. So, you're in a band? Sorta. What do you mean, "sorta"? Oh, we're still stuck in our garage phase. Ah, okay. Well, if you ever get out of your garage, let me know. Yeah, totally. You can come check me out. I mean the band. I'll be there, too, if you want to come check. I'm Anna. Jake. So, what do you say? Do you want a ride? Yeah, I'd like that. Here you go. You can wear my extra helmet. Oh, I just realized I have to meet my friends, and they're waiting for me. Your mom would kill you. So dead and so grounded. No, I get it. Moms and motorcycles. Yeah. So, see you around. Anna. So, listen. You like The Hives? They're awesome. Well, look, I've got this import. I was thinking if you wanted, we could check it out. Coleman. One second. If I were you, I would be thinking less about boys and a little more about your honors qualifying exam. I'm ready for the test, Mr. Bates. "Prepared" is to "you" as "not" is to "test." What does that mean? Exactly. [Engine revving] [Tapping] What are you doing? Get out of my room! Help me! Mommy! Stop! Anna! Sing it on the second verse. There she is. Hey! What happened? Nothing. Just taking care of my brother. Thank you. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Come here. Oh, sweetheart. All right. Ready? I'm gonna give you three. No. Ready? One, two, three. Oh, honey, go back inside. I'll be right there. Anna! Hold still, honey, hold still. I promise there will be serious consequences for her. Hey, Tessie! Hey, Dad, you're early! - What? - You're early! I can't... You're early. Hold on. I need my glasses. Grandpa! Hey, monkey! Hey, hey, hey. Hey. What is this? One of them thongs? I don't want to know. What's up? What's up? - Hey, guys. - You guys know these yard apes? You're early. What? Glad you could make it. I brought an early wedding present. What? I thought I'd get the author to sign it. What? - I thought I'd ask... - I can't hear you. Hold on. Let's get out of here. What do you have under your shirt? Ryan, could you? - Oh, bummer. - Not again. Time's up! It's after : ! Mmm! Hey, guys. You're gonna spoil your dinner. You know, this Dad thing can be hard or easy. Don't let her see you. Good, now we can hear. Speak for yourself. I could use those little notes. She hates when I pull the plug. Get ready for the fireworks. Did I say hello? I must have missed it. - Hello. - Hello. Get a room! Go, go, go, go! [Cellphone rings] - This is... - Just one second. One second. Okay, but you owe me. Hello. Yes, this is she. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah, great. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. What? You guys are never gonna believe this. One of the bands dropped out of the Wango Tango auditions. We are the first alternate. Shut up! That's awesome! We have to check in at the House of Blues by : . We're on at : . - When is it? - Tomorrow. Tomorrow? Tomorrow's Friday. That's my mom's rehearsal dinner. Anna, come on. This is really important. You know, don't worry. I'll be there. How can you? Aren't you the maid of horror or something? Honor. It's not the wedding. It's the rehearsal. Don't they make a big deal out of the rehearsal, like all your weird relatives coming to town? No, they don't. There's my Anna Banana! Give your Grampy Doodle a big huggy-buggy. Grandpa, over here. Oh. Hey, Gramps. Don't worry. I would never let you down. Just don't cancel the audition yet. - I'm gonna talk to my mom. - All right. - We're screwed. - Yep. Yeah. "I don't think he knows I exist. It's stupid to think about him, but I can't help it." Jake! Ooh, Jake! Get out of my room! Oh! My... my... Ah! Aaaaah! She saw it. I'm gonna check out those Lakers. I'm with you. Mom! Mom, did you see what happened to my door? I spoke to your principal. What? Just now on the phone. Where's my door? - Privacy is a privilege. - Where is my door, Mom? Your door will be returned to you, Anna, if and when you can explain... You give me that door, or I will kill myself. Oh! Can I watch? - Harry! - Shut up! Aaaaah! I think we can dispense with the drama. Maybe you can calmly explain to me why you were in detention twice today. Okay, I went to detention. That was because Stacey Hinkhouse kept hitting me with a volleyball. When is this conflict with Stacey Hinkhouse going to end? Never, because she's an insane, psycho freak. You'd know that if you paid a speck of attention. Anna! What? I think you know I pay attention, Anna. Enough to know that you got an "F" in English today. Well, Mr. Bates is out to get me. Oh, him too? Yeah. He just looks for ways to torture me. Like today, the one time Jake spoke to me, he totally... Who's Jake? He's just nobody. You say I'm not interested, Anna. I'm interested. Try me. Okay, he's just this really amazing guy, Mom. Where'd you meet him? Detention, but... That's promising. Do you see? Why do I bother telling you anything? Do you see? Why do I bother telling you anything? Okay. Who's up for Chinese? Aah! You're ruining my life! I'm moving out and never coming back ever, ever, ever again! - Hello. How are you? - Hello, Pei-Pei. Anna, Harry, you're so big now. What happened? Are you happy for your mommy? About what? Oh. [Laughs] She's such a joker. Who's catering? Chinese food good luck. - It's all planned already. - Okay, how about me? - I preordered the Peking duck. - Joy. - I know that's your favorite. - Whatever. - The wedding is in two days. - Think about it. See you soon. Happy dining. Anna, your door is underneath the back stairs. Like I didn't figure that out. Stop groveling, man. Let her come to you. She'd come with a hatchet. I think I'll go check on that duck. Anna. Do you think that your surliness is the best way for you to get what you want? I'm sorry, Mom. I really have been stressing in school, and I deserved every single one of those trips to detention. And I'm gonna apologize to Stacey Hinkhouse and Mr. Bates. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll try and do better, Mom. I'll really, really try. All right, what do you want? To go to this audition tomorrow that we can never have again at the House of Blues. An audition, that's great. Tomorrow? You mean after the rehearsal dinner? Well, during. "During." You mean as "instead of"? Technically? I need to talk to you right now. - I'm gonna pass on that. - Now! Anna. I am going to make one final attempt to understand what goes on in your head. Don't treat me like your patients. - What? - All calm and reasonable. Let's talk. I want to understand. I really do want to understand, Anna! Tsk, tsk, tsk. Oh, Mama, stay out of it, please. - Mama. - Okay, fine. They're gonna pick one local band to play at Wango Tango. We were lucky to make this cut. It's a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Please. Why can't I just go? Please. What I hear is that my special night means absolutely nothing to you. I don't have to ask if my band means anything to you. It's clear you think we're all noise. Look, I'm a walrus. - I do not! - Do too! Anna, I let you practice in the garage. Anna, stop. What? Let's talk about what this is really about. This is about your dad. Mom, stop shrinking me. It's not about Dad. It's about the audition! You're ruining my life! Enough with the drama. Anna, high school is not that hard. You couldn't last one day in my high school. I could, and I would do it without getting a detention. I'm sorry I'm the one thing in your life that isn't perfect! You think my life is perfect? I know your life is perfect. Your perfect job, perfect boyfriend, perfect patients who worship the ground you walk on. You need a serious and bracing reality check if you think my life is perfect! You can cut me some slack this once. I am beyond cutting you slack, Anna. You are not going to the audition. - I am! - No, you're not! - Why not? - Because I said so! Cookie? This isn't really a good time. Now a good time. [Speaking Chinese] Okay, okay. Thank you. Anna, for one day, the entirety of our life is not gonna be focused on you. Yeah, it's all about Ryan now, isn't it? Anna! Get away. Honey! "A journey soon begins, its prize reflected in another's eyes. When what you see is what you lack, then selfless love will change you back." Whatever. Honey? - You okay? - Yeah. Whew. Come on. - Did you feel that? - Feel what? - There was an earthquake. - No, there wasn't. Yes, there was. What are they talking about? An earthquake. An earthquake? No. There was no earthquake. You didn't feel it? No. I don't think so. : already. Oh, God, I didn't get the dry cleaning. I'll have to do that on the way home, and call the mechanic and the florist. Okay, better get up. I'd better... Why am I in Anna's room? What happened last night? Did I pass out in here? Oh, I have no memory of this! This isn't mine! Those aren't mine! That's not mine. That's definitely not mine. Aaaaah! Anna, come here quick. Mom's dead. I'm dead? Come on, hurry! See? She's not moving. Oh, my God. No, wait, it's breathing. I'm not dead. What? Right. Her chest is moving, honey, see? You called me "honey." Right... Are you sick? I hope so. Or dreaming. Hon. Harry, go get your own breakfast. You can eat Anna's cereal. My cereal. Cool. Hello? Hello in there? Wake up, honey. Wake up. Wake up! That is it. [Groaning] Oh. Oh, could I just have, like, one minute, please? Honey. Look, I think something's happened to us. What are you? It's me. Mom. You're not my mother. Yes, I am. Get away, you clone freak! Don't you use that tone with me. Oh, my God, you are my mother. And you're not who you think you are. Look at me! We seem to be inside each other. I'm old! I beg your pardon! Oh, I'm like the Cryptkeeper! Okay, that's enough. Aah! I want my body back. And I don't want mine? My wedding's tomorrow. Oh, my God! My wedding's tomorrow. I can't marry Ryan. Ew! Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay what? I have no idea. Mom, maybe we should go to the emergency room. Oh, no. All that will get us is a -hour lockdown in the psych ward and a Thorazine drip. No, we're not going anywhere. Okay. So you're in my body, and I'm in your body. Why don't we, like... Yes, yes, I see what you're saying. A jolt. Okay. You go over there, and I go over here. Okay, now when I say go. Ready? - Yeah. - Go. Hey, Mom, can I... Okay. Okay, that was stupid. Harry! I was just teaching Mom some new dance moves. What do you want, punk? You cannot talk to him like that. He thinks you're his mother. We're gonna to have to tell him. We're not going to tell anyone. They'll think we're crazy. Maybe we are crazy. I for one am not crazy. I'm merely a grown woman trapped in my daughter's body. Oh, God, I am crazy. Grandpa, could you pass the milk? Okay. Harry's still Harry, and Grandpa's still Grandpa. So it's just us. What did we do wrong? I don't know. Grandpa, pass the milk! Grandpa, pass the milk! Earthquake. Earthquake! Earthquake? House of Chang! - Nobody felt it but us. - Earthquake! Earthquake, earthquake! Honey! Okay. I'll take you. I guess you're not ready yet. Sweetheart. What are you doing here? I thought you said you needed a ride to work. Right, Mom. I guess you better hurry up. Get a grip. I am not... Darling. Could you, like, chill for a sec? Sure, sure, I'll chill. - You're going. - I'll, like, go get your dad. Alan, that's not our car! The earthquake and then Pei-Pei's crazy mother pointing at me and you. And what was she mumbling about in Chinese? She did something. Some strange Asian voodoo. What are we gonna do now? I can't go to school like this. You have to. You're on the verge of suspension, and you have your honors qualifying exam today. All the more reason to stay home. I could go and take the exam for you. I'm sure a high test would be simple for me. Are you kidding? You think you can be me? Of course I can. Watch me. "Oh, everyone's out to get me. You're ruining my life." It's easy to be you. I'll suck the fun out of everything. I do not suck the fun out of everything. - Fun sucker. - Oh, this is ridiculous. I will go to school, and you will stay right... - What? - Evan. - Evan? Who's Evan? - My neediest patient. I've been seeing him every day for three years. Ooh, bummer. Maybe just my face would be reassuring. No way. Unh-unh. I am not babysitting some -year-old wack job. What am I supposed to say to the freak? Nothing. You are in no way to give anyone any advice. That would be unethical. Just listen attentively, nod occasionally, and if you must speak, simply say, "How do you feel about that?" You're serious. You really want us to be each other? We will get through this morning as each other, and we will go to the restaurant at lunch and get switched back. Go get dressed. Well, good luck getting dressed without a door. Thank you. [Anna screaming] Oh, boy. You'll get used to it. What? You pierced your navel? Yeah. I meant to talk to you about that. - When did you do this? - At Maddie's cousin's sweet . Well, when you get your body back, it's grounded. And what are you doing? I don't know why you never wear these. They're cute. Yeah, if you're selling Bibles. And what did you do to my hair? I've been dying to comb these rats out. Now you can see your pretty face. And what is this? Oh, I fixed your jeans. My patients are not going to pay $ an hour to get therapy from a stripper. All right. I'll drab up. I'll grunge down. Go. What's up? [Radio stations switching] Feet down. Harry, could you settle down? Bite me! Do you see what he does behind your back? Anna! Mom. Excuse me. And while I'm apologizing, let me just say to the whole car how truly sorry I am for being such an insane control freak all the time. You're not controlling, Mom. I'm the one who should be apologizing for my flagrant disregard for anyone's feelings but my own. Well, at least you have a great sense of style. - Not like me. - Enough. Platinum, cool. Don't even think about it. Am I supposed to follow this? It's nothing, darling. One more day. Yeah, it's great we're getting married, isn't it? Even though my husband died. How quickly I've been able to get over it. Just pull up here. Mom, out of the car. If you manage to alienate Ryan in my body. I'll be nice. But don't kiss him. Oh, Mom, I just had breakfast. That's disgusting. Nice. Okay. Here is the number for the cab company. I want you back here at : sharp. All right. - Do you understand? - All right! What is that tone? Are you using a tone with me? Oh, my God. Can I go? Why? What are you so anxious about? Hey, Anna. Do you know him? Kinda. That's Jake. - No, no. - You gotta give him a chance. That is the last thing I'm going to give him. - You don't even know him. - I know he's too old for you. My God, he's coming over. Say hi. Say hi back, or I break up with Ryan. - Hi, Jake. - Hey. So. Oh, this is my mother, Dr. Coleman. Hi. Hi. - It's a great bike. - What? Not like I've ever been on it. I'm not allowed. I mean I'm allowed because I'm old. I gotta go. Bye. Walk with him. Harry, do you know who that is? Anna's got a boyfriend. K-l-S-S-l-N-G. Okay, where are we going next? Harry's school? Oh, he can walk from here. It's blocks! Fresh air will do you good. What about bullies? Run fast. Tess, look, really, it's no trouble to drive him. Whatever. Hey, I've got The Hives for you. I beg your pardon? - The CD. - Oh, yeah, that. They're coming to town next week. - I was wondering if... - That's a nice thought. I'm sure with a haircut you'd look presentable. But I need to focus on my schoolwork, and truth be told, you're way too old for me. But thanks anyway, Jason. It's Jake. Hello. Good morning. Good morning. Hi. Hello. Stacey! Hi, how are you? Oh, wonderful. Stacey, what are you doing? Run away. - Are you okay, Anna? - God! I am appalled Stacey would do something like that. Yeah, shocker. Oh, I am going to be calling her mother. Forget about that. We'll get her later. We saw you. - Saw me what? - With Jake. - Give us the dirty details. - Excuse me? Did you make a move? - Is that something I would do? - It's something you should do. No, no, no. I don't believe in physical contact with the opposite sex at all, ever. Nothing. And you girls would do well to follow my example. Well. - Whoa, whoa! - What? Cold sore, cold sore. - Where? - I feel it coming on there. - Big oozer. - I don't care. I'm thinking of you, really. You. Okay. Okay. Good thing, I guess. You need a ride home, or are you gonna pick up the Volvo? Oh, I will most definitely be picking up the Volvo. Ow! Hey. How's it going? - Uh! What? Dr. Coleman's office. Hi. This is Dr. Dunn's office. I am calling to confirm your root canal appointment. Root canal? That's not fair! They're not my teeth. Okay, I'm not sure... No. No, I'm cutting the dentist. - You mean you're canceling? - Yeah, cancel. Like I'm going to take that bullet. Please! Evan. No. Boris. Line . - Thanks. - There you go. Whoa! She's blind! Oh, this sucks. Wanna get that? No way. I'm not answering that thing again. Good to see you. Okay. You're here. Oh. Yeah, I'm here, and you're here. You look fantastic. Why? Are you canceling the session? No, Kevin. Evan! Evan. Evan. So, shall we go in here and do it? Are you gonna get that? No. Oh, so you don't answer your phone. I told you I wouldn't be able to call you on your honeymoon, but you lied to me. You're a liar! I'll get it. Yo. What? $ ? For what? Halibut! Ew! What kind of caterer are you? It's disgusting. Well, I'm not gonna pay for it. Okay, fine. Don't show up. See if I care. Yeah, I'm canceling. Yeah, well, same to you, dude. So, Ethan. Evan! Evan. I knew that. Bates. I've seen him before. Where have I seen him before? Like, every day in this torture chamber. So, did you talk to your mom? Today is a lovely day for a pop quiz. All of you should have finished reading "Hamlet" by now. I'm going to ask each one of you one question, and you will be graded according to your answer. Oh, thank God it's "Hamlet." I was in that play in high... I just know the play. Like that'll help you. Mr. Waters, describe the character of Hamlet. Hamlet. He's, uh... he's one of the big characters. I mean, he's Hamlet. He's just bopping around, doesn't know which way's up. I don't think the guy's got a clue. You mean to say that he is a man... Yeah. Who couldn't make up his... - mind. - Mind. Exactly. Very good. All right. - "B." - Yeah. Ms. Coleman. Yes, Mr. Bates? What are the central conflicts in "Hamlet"? Well, political, of course, because Claudius usurped his father's throne. Oedipal, because of the undercurrents with his mother. Then there is the timeless question of insanity. Is he really seeing his father's ghost, or is he simply mad? That is seriously overreaching. "F." - "F"? - "F." Mr. Franelli, who is Fortinbras? I started reading your new book, and it just makes me feel really depressed. And how do you feel about that? Depressed. [Mumbling incoherently] And how do you feel about that? She and her best friend aren't speaking, Doctor. And in her diary, she keeps mentioning this boy. How do you feel about that? Well, I'm worried. You read her diaries? Oh, that's gross! That's bad. "Bad Mom" award. But I'm concerned, Doctor, that she and this boy might be, I mean, you know. Stop! Stop! Nothing is going on between her and this guy. If there was, she wouldn't be writing about it. She'd be out there doing it. Her best friend probably isn't talking to her because she probably likes this guy, too. And he probably flirted with her a little, but he secretly likes your daughter. He hasn't made his move yet because that wouldn't be cool. So now her best friend is acting like some psycho freak. Okay? That's very interesting. I never would have thought about it that way. Cool. Guess we're done. Mr. Bates, may I please speak with you? I think that would be fairly pointless, but go ahead. By what stretch of the imagination... I mean, like, how could I, like, get an "F"? What mistakes did I make? Grading is subjective. That was a college-level analysis. And you're qualified to make that assessment? I most certainly am. Well, in the words of Hamlet, "What's done is done." That's "Macbeth," you know-nothing twit. Bates. Elton Bates. Griffith High School. How do you know that? Well, you asked me, I mean, my mom to the prom, but she turned you down. This is not an appropriate subject. You're taking it out on her daughter, aren't you? I don't know what you're talking about. It was a high school dance. You've got to let it go and move on, man. And if you don't, I'm sure the school board would love to hear about your pathetic vendetta against an innocent student. Oh, and by the way, Elton, she had a boyfriend, and you were weird. That was amazing. You totally destroyed him. I don't think Elton Bates will be giving me much trouble. That's so weird about your mom. - Oh, yeah, what did she say? - About what? - About the audition. - Oh, right. She said no. What? Well, it is her rehearsal dinner. Don't you think that's rather important, too? And you told her? You told her this chance would never come again? - She sympathizes. - Don't give us this. She is totally ruining our lives. You're the culprit. Yeah, your mom has never cared about our music. Never cared? Never cared? Who do you think paid for those guitar lessons? And did she ever hear a "thank you"? No. Come on, you said it yourself. Your mom hasn't paid attention to you since she started dating that guy. That's not true. Well, you talk about it enough. I do? What is up with you today? You act like you don't even care about this band. Look, girls... guys, if it were any other night. Whatever, Anna. God. [Tires squealing in distance] [Car horns honking, alarm sounding] [Rock music blaring] - You picked up my car! - Yeah. Get out of the car. I'm driving. Oh, my God. What have you done to me? Do you like it? Get out of the car right now! Do you have your permit? No. My hair. It's gone! What have you done to my ear? Mom, it's an earring! Take it out right now! No. It looks cool. Don't start with me. Those clothes are going back tomorrow! Why? Everyone likes them. You look great. I look like Stevie Nicks. Who's he? - What are you doing with this? - I'm eating. You cannot eat fast food. Why not? Because it will go down your throat and drop instantly to my thighs. - Oh, come on. - Watch the road. Oh, this food may make you blow up like a balloon, but it will do nothing whatsoever to me. Oh, Mom! Oh, God, this is good. Mom, that's not fair. My first french fry in eight years. I can hear the "Hallelujah Chorus." Road! Oh, hi, hi. You back so soon. Sexy new look for you, Mrs. Coleman. You look hot. - Two for lunch? - No, Pei-Pei. We'd like to speak to you about something we think happened to us at your restaurant. - Something that sucks. - Let me handle this. Okay. When we woke up this morning, we weren't ourselves. Yeah. Oh. Mama! Hey, hey! You come back here. Hello, hello. Did you give them the fortune cookie? What did she say? Oh. She's crazy. Well? She don't know what you're talking about. Okay, let's have lunch. Let's eat. You know exactly what we're talking about. Let's hit her. Okay, okay. I cannot fix it. Only you can fix it. When the fortune come true, then you go back. What fortune? From the fortune cookie. You find the answer in each other. When the fortune come true, then you go back, okay? No big deal. You mean, we're stuck in this suck-fest? You're not going to do anything? How about % off catering? No, Pei-Pei, we have a caterer. Actually, Mom, there's something I forgot to tell you. Okay, good idea, how about I do? - What did that fortune say? - Like I remember? - I don't remember, either. - Oh, I hate this! I don't wanna get married at ! It's not even legal! I want my room back. I want my friends. I want to eat whatever I want when I want. Mommy. I know, sweetie. It's a hard day. We'll get through it. Breathe. Deep breath. We'll go home and find the fortune. [Cellphone ringing, beeping] - Make it stop! - Oh, my organizer. It's been going off all day. Parent-teacher conference! I completely forgot! You have to be at Harry's school in minutes. No! I hate teachers! You have to go. I'll go to your school. I'll take your exam, and everything will be okay. Okay, let's go. Mom? Yeah. Whatever. Mrs. Coleman. All right, let's do this thing. Okay. Well, what can I say about Harry? He is a sweet boy. But he's having a little trouble with bullies. So? That's character-building. Kid needs to toughen up. He's kind of a wimp. So, that's it? I can go? No, not exactly. Harry's very bright, but he's having a problem applying himself, particularly in Math. So, hold him back. I mean, he's short. He'll fit in, you know what I mean? Well, you know, he's very good in English. I had the class write an essay on who they admire most, and he wrote a wonderful paper about your daughter. So, what'd she say? She showed me the paper you wrote about Anna. - You saw that? - Mm-hmm. Well, don't tell her I like her. Well, why not? Because we have too much fun fighting. You know, kid, you are way more twisted than I thought. Good try! - Oh, man! - Loser! Good luck flunking. Stacey, I want to talk to you. Come here. Why this falling out? We were best friends in sixth grade. I know I got involved with my music, and you became involved with your cheerleading, but why does this have to be World War III? All those years of trick-or-treating and sleepovers. Don't you remember any of it? I know I do. I mean, how do you feel about that? All right, let's all take our seats for the test. Sit with me? Communication. That's all it takes. Hey, there you are. Ooh! You again. Look at you. Love the hair. Got a surprise. You're gonna be happy with me. I seriously doubt that. Great dress. Sexy. Oozing sore! I don't see anything. Makeup! Great stuff! Hey, take it easy, stud. Save it for the honeymoon. You know what? We have to go anyway. Oh, no, I have to get that fortune thingy. No time. I've got my sweater on. No, no. I have to... We have to leave. We'll spoil the surprise. - Watch your step. - Okay. - Watch your step. - Okay. - Watch your step. - Okay! - Still got your eyes closed? - Yeah. All right, okay, relax. Open them. You're on "The Dottie Robertson Show." They had a last-second cancellation. I got you on. To talk about that book? Break a leg. I didn't want to say anything. We're ready for you now. I know you get nervous, but you're gonna be great. I'm gonna barf! Go get 'em! - Watch your step. This way. - I'm sorry. - I'm not that person. - Right there. There you go. Oh, sorry. Now, makeup's gonna come to you, sweetie, okay? What is this thing? "Through the Looking Glass. Senescence." Se-nes-cence? Seeny-sincey? What? "The sum of the areas of the shaded regions in terms of 'D' is equal to A, 'D' squared times the sum of pi divided by four minus 'D' divided by two. B, 'D' squared times the sum of pi cubed divided by 'D' minus two." Now, what is pi again? Three-point-something? Oh, this is ridiculous. I've never used pi. Anna's never gonna use pi! Why is it called pi anyway? Okay, focus. Or "C, 'D' cubed minus the sum of pi squared. Psst! Miss Brown, she's copying my test! - Hey, cheater. - I did not cheat. That Stacey Hinkhouse is conniving. It's your business. I did not cheat. Don't you smirk at me. If you're so perfect, why are you in detention all the time? I'm not in detention. I work here. What would you say if I told you I could help finish your test? Really? Yeah. You know, my publisher doesn't think anybody's gonna know what the word "senescence" means. Do you know what it means? No. Please do sit still. Okay. All right, they keep the tests in the file room. We're going through here? They're so burned out they won't notice. Trust me. All right, all right, all right. Coleman. Anna Coleman. Oh, my gosh, thank you. Now hurry up and finish your test. You really are something, Jake. I'll watch the door. Back from commercial in . Loved your book. I actually read this one. That makes one of us. Ready and three, two. Hi. Welcome back. We're here with Dr. Tess Coleman, author of "Through the Looking Glass, Senescence in Retrograde." So, Doctor, tell us about your new book. Well. I wrote it. Yes, you did. But tell us, what got you interested in the physical and intellectual exhaustion that seems to overcome those of us who are, let's say, no longer . Senescence, like senile! Old people! Got it! Got it! And let's face it, we are tired much of the time. That's why I've been craving caffeine all day. I thought I was dying. But you still haven't answered the fundamental question. Why are we so tired? Well, of course we're tired because of our demanding and hectic... Do you want to know why adults are so tired all the time? Because they spend their time obsessing about these stupid, lame things they don't really have to do. Like cooking. I mean, have you never heard of takeout? And cleaning? Let's don't and say we did! And quality time with your kids? You know what? Quit bugging 'em! Leave 'em alone! They like it! I don't remember reading any of this in your book. Hello? It's called reading between the lines! Oh, my God. What? That's my mom. Try listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Vines, The Breeders. And if you're excited about something, why do you have to hold it in all the time? You know, just scream about it! Okay, do this with me. Let's just say this cute guy asks you out. What are you gonna do? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! That was pathetic! You keep all that bottled up, no wonder you're getting old! I'm serious! This guy's hot! What are you gonna do? God, your mom's cool. I can't hear you! Whoo! Oh, she is dead. Worse than dead. She will spend the next year in a phoneless, dateless, Amish existence. I've gotta get home. I've gotta get home. Listen, I need you to give me a ride. I thought your mom didn't want you on a bike. You're a little too virtuous, kid. You know what? I'm late for my second job. Just give me the ride. I know my mother will understand. I'm gonna be honest with you. You seem really different than the person I thought you were. I saw what you did to Stacey's test. I think you're right. You're too young for me. But I don't know why I did that. It's really not like me. Honestly. Good luck, Anna. Come on! They'll let her retake the test! Ohh! That's the first time Tessie's work hasn't put me to sleep. I might even read one of those books. Hey, is Dr. Coleman coming out soon? Dottie had her escorted from the building minutes ago. But she rocks, doesn't she? Look, she signed my butt! - Whoo! - Yeah! Can I have a quad-choc-caramel latte? Mrs. Coleman? Jake! What are you doing here? I work here. Hey, I caught the show. Man, you sure were great. Thanks. How was Anna today? I mean, was she nice to you? She was stressing a little, but you know how it is with school. Okay, 'cause if she wasn't, I'd have to punish her. You punish her? No mom who listens to The Vines would punish anybody. - You like The Vines? - I got the bootlegs! Shut up! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, Anna Banana, it's you. - Where's Mom? - She ditched us at the studio. Harry, get down from the table this instant! I'm imitating Mom. You should've seen her today! She was so cool! Whoo! Whoo! Ramones? Love. White Stripes? Can't stand 'em. I know! Me neither. I mean, get a bass player. I love this song. Am I so lame that I would love "Baby, One More Time"? No, this cover's a classic. I gotta go. What? Don't go. No, no. I have a wedding rehearsal. Okay, whose? Mine. Are you serious? I wish I wasn't. You're not really getting married, are you? This was so fun, and I'm gonna remember it forever. - Okay, but you can't... - Jake... Look, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what this whole thing is. I feel like I know you. I have to go. Really, I just... Please. Just please. Let me at least give you a ride. Okay. Here you are, you little monster. Okay. Tess! Tess! Tess! Where have you been? You needed to be dressed a half hour ago! You tell me where you've been, young lady! Young lady? Role-playing! Her idea. New therapeutic technique. Switching points of view. If I switch with Harry, do I have to wear a thong? [Mockingly] Earthquake! Save me! Get back here, you little. Where do I even begin? Could it be your career-killing TV appearance, your nonstop partying with my car and wallet, or, perhaps, my body's makeover from hell? Are you listening to a word I'm saying? Yes. And get that cheap stud out of my ear. Mom, he is so awesome. - Who? - Jake. Please, Mommy, can I go out with him? Please? Not in Ryan's fiancée's body, you can't. What am I supposed to do in Ryan's fiancée's body? Go to this thing tonight? Be you? That's today. What about tomorrow, Mom? I really don't want to get married. I don't think you're thrilled about me getting married either, Anna. Why? Why can't we talk about this? What is it about Ryan you don't like? He's fine. But he's not your father. Mom, look, I don't wanna talk about this now. Time's running out to talk about it. Please, tell me. Mom, do what you want. Marry the dude. Just don't make me do it. Tess? [Mockingly] Privacy's a privilege, Anna. Tess? Go. Yo, sup? I'm not really a prying kind of guy, but I was wondering what you were doing on the eve of our wedding straddling some guy on the back of a big, black Harley. Hello? It was a Ducati. Is there something you'd like to tell me? Some fantasy you're trying to get out of your system? Because I'd like to know about it now. I just needed a ride. I didn't really even know the guy. I didn't know what... He's a friend of mine, Ryan. He likes me. And my mom wouldn't let me go out with him, so I just had to beg her to check him out for me. And she did. And she actually came to find that he's a very together young man. And she approves. Really? Really. Snap! Uh-huh. So, let's do this thingy! - You mean our wedding rehearsal? - Yeah, whatever. Excuse me. Ooh! What are you doing? Shotgun! I want to talk to your mom. - Are you insane? - I know I am. What are you thinking? How can you entertain ideas about you and a woman her age? What are you talking about? She looks great. Really? Wow. No! You have to disappear! I know it's unconventional, okay? And I know nothing can happen. I'm not stupid. I just want to know her. I want to talk to her. Do not come near my mother or her fiancé! Do you understand? I don't understand anything. For God's sake, you really need to find someone your own age. Anna, you're beautiful, okay? But you're not her. Stop it! Promise you'll leave my mother alone. Anna Banana! I'll give you one thing. I'll give you one thing. He definitely likes you for your mind. Come on! Come on! All right, let's do this. Oh, well, there we go. Oh, I'll have one. - What are you doing? - Nothing. Did you bring it? Right here. Can you get away? Well, I'd love to. It's just that I'm meeting thousands of -year-old people. Those are Ryan's parents. Hi. - Doesn't make them any less old. - Ryan. Do you think I could borrow my mother for just one minute? Sure. Ow! Okay, there's gotta be some clue here. "A journey soon begins, its prize reflected in another's eyes." Okay, that was the switch. Oh, let me see. Okay, blah, blah. "Lack, then selfless love will change you back." So that means we're stuck like this forever. Now is not a moment for your negativity. Let's try to be selfless. Give me your hands. I'm being selfless. Are you being selfless? Yeah, I'm being selfless. You're not doing a good job. We're still here. Oh, right. So now it's my fault. Why is everything always... It's Jake! He must've followed us. Mom, what're we gonna do? Mom? Mom! Shh! Shh! Don't scream. Just listen to us. We are half a block from the House of Blues. Tell 'em you're going to the bathroom, do the song, you'll be back before they know you've gone. I tried to learn your solo, and I suck. Two bands have gone, and they both blew. We might have a chance if you come. When I say I can't, you don't know the half of it. Don't make me do this. What are you doing? If Ryan sees you here, it will blow everything. I know. I'm sorry. It's just, when I look into your eyes... Stop it! Jake, believe me, it is not me you like, it's Anna. No, you're the exciting one. The musical one. Actually, I learned it from her. I'm tone-deaf. - Tess? - Shh. Don't move. Tess? Oh, found it! - Found what? - My earring. I thought I lost it. Anna's friends decided to crash. You guys! You know anything about this? Well, I think they're trying to get Anna to go to an audition which had to be tonight, but I said no. She had to stay here. - You're kidding. - No, that's how it went down. I know it's not important to you and that she's just a girl in a stupid band. Look, Dr. Coleman, dude, I'm really sorry, but couldn't we borrow Anna for minutes? We'd never ask you, or anybody for anything ever again. I am appalled at you two. I clearly said... Go. What? Go. Ryan. What are you still doing here? Go! Right now! Thank you so much! I told you he wouldn't totally ruin your life! Mister Dude, you rock! Thanks, Mitch. Are you mad? No. Do you, like, not want to get married now? No. No, I don't, not if you're gonna put me in this role. What role? The role of insensitive stepfather who couldn't care less or thinks it's a stupid band, or any of the preposterous things you just said. How can you say I don't care? I'm not that guy. If that's who you think I am, this is never gonna work. When I fell in love with you, I knew you came with a family, and I respect the hell out of that. You've always put the kids first. That's exactly how it should be. That's how I want it. I never pushed Anna because I want her to like me on her own terms, in her own way. Wow. That's very cool. Yeah. Now, what are you still doing here? What do you mean? You should be over there. That's where you ought to be. Cheering her on. That's where I want you to be. Go on. Go. I can hold down the fort here for minutes. Wish her luck for me. Okay. Whoa, hold it. Oh, you're not serious. No! Okay, great. I've got I.D. For once. Thanks. So, it's a good crowd out there. Anna, what are you doing? What's wrong? I can't do this. Since when do you get nervous? No, I really can't. Come on, you rock harder than anyone I know. Well, the rocking may be in short supply tonight, girls. - What do you mean? - I'm just not myself. Anna, I know you're stressing. We all are, and I know that maybe it won't be brilliant, but we'll forgive each other. We'll find some way to laugh about it. Right now, I just really want us to take this shot, okay? We'll still love you, even if it blows. Yeah. Okay, okay, okay, I'll try. I mean, how hard can it be? So don't forget we changed the chord progression in the first verse from C-C-D to C-D-C. You play notes? I mean, I just thought we could play in the key of "rock"! Yeah, okay. Let's fix your hair. Yeah, what's with the bun? Mrs. Coleman! Jake, stop! You're running away from him. Jake, if you like me at all, you will just leave me alone. Yeah, but... Please, no! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the next act in the KllSFM Wango Tango auditions, from right here in Los Angeles, let's give it up for Pink Slip! Do something! - What are you doing? - I can't do this! No, it's okay. I unplugged you. Just fake it. I don't even know how to do that. You can't tell me you never went to a rock concert. - I saw the Stones once. - Great! Just go out and act like Keith! Keith, right, yeah. Richards, Mom! I knew that. Just go act like Keith. Act like Keith. Not the behavior? No, just the playing! Now get out there! Your solo's coming! Whoo! Anna, you rock! It's early, but I think you are definitely in. All right! - Are we in? - Yes! Oh, it was terrifying. I had no idea what it takes. - The guts. - Thanks. It's exciting. Your music. - It's not noise? - Most definitely not noise. Oh, my God! Ryan! Anna? My first wedding went like this, you know. My first wedding went like this, you know. - Like what? - She ran away with the florist. Whole thing went right down the tubes. Don't make me hurt you. There she is. Look, look, look. Mom, what's wrong? I have to ask you to do something for me. Sure, whatever. After what you just did for me, anything. It needs to happen before the toasts and speeches. Okay. Clearly, we're not switching back tonight. I need you to tell Ryan you need to postpone the wedding. What? No, listen, I can see you're not ready for this. And I can wait. I guess I was so happy, I wasn't thinking about what's best for you and Harry. But, Mom. If he loves me like I think he does, he'll wait, too. He'll understand. He'll be very sweet and gracious about it. But please. Just please let him know that I love him. And be as kind as you possibly can for me. Okay, Mom. I know exactly what to say. I'll be along in a minute. You should sit down. [Glass dings] Hi. I guess I'm gonna start the toasts. So, three years ago, we had a really bad thing happen in our family. We lost a father and a husband, and I didn't think we'd ever be able to get over it. But then... This guy next to me came into the picture. And everybody could see I was happy again. I was singing in the shower again. Not well, I might add. But I was still really worried about my kids, Anna and Harry. Whether they'd be able to accept a new man in their life. And now I know how Anna feels. And what she feels is that... No one could ever take the place of her dad... Because he was a really great dad. But somebody could be part of a new family. Its own kind of cool, new, little unit. And that for someone as special as Ryan, that we would all just make a little room. Anna really wanted her mom to know that. Earthquake! Yeah! And I am so psyched to be here! I guess all I'm trying to say is, Ryan, welcome to our family. To the bride and groom. What the hell just happened? Trust me, you don't want to know. Thank you for everything. I love you. I love you, too. What? Go. Go. Hi. Listen, I feel really stupid. You know, it's just yesterday was freaky, and, I mean, I see your mom, and I like her. I mean, not "like her" like her, but, you know, I mean, like her as your mom. Listen, do you think we could just rewind this whole thing and start again? I'd like that. You know, I've been thinking about that kiss. Kiss? Remind me again how I did it. In front of your mom? It's okay. She owes me. Hey, why don't you ask that girl to dance? No way! - Come on, go on over there. - Stop bugging me. Boy, it's true. Youth is wasted on the young. You go ask her, you old fart. Now, wait a minute! Why, if I was your age, oh! Cookie? Well, why, yes, I don't mind if I do. Mama! What are you doing? Mama! Grandpa! Harry! No! Okay!