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Movie Date: March 9, 1994


- Come here.

- What?



 

                   

- Good morning, Mrs. Staples.

- Good morning, madam.



 

                   

Late! Late!



 

                   

Oh, fuck! Fuck!



 

                   

Fuck!



 

                   

- Fuck! Right, we take yours.

- It only goes    miles an hour.



 

                   

What turn-off?



 

                   

- Better not be the B   .

- It's the B   .



 

                   

Fuck it!



  

                   

Fuck!



  

                   

Fuck.



  

                   

Fuck.



  

                   

Fuck.



  

                   

Fuckity fuck!



  

                   

Bugger.



  

                   

Hello, Charles.



  

                   

There's a greatness to your lateness.



  

                   

It's not achieved without real suffering.



  

                   

I am so sorry.



  

                   

I'll be killing myself after the service,

if that's any consolation.



  

                   

- Doesn't matter. Tom was standing by.

- Thanks, Tom. You're a saint.



  

                   

Disastrous haircut.



  

                   

- You haven't forgotten the rings?

- No.



  

                   

Hate people being late. Hate it.



  

                   

Here we go.



  

                   

Oh, isn't she lovely!



  

                   

Scarlett, you're blind.

She looks like a big meringue.



  

                   

Dear friends, what a joy it is

to welcome you to our church



  

                   

on this wonderful day

for Angus and Laura.



  

                   

Before we start the service,

let us all join together in the first hymn.



  

                   

Scarlett.



  

                   

Dearly beloved, we are gathered

together here in the sight of God



  

                   

and in the face of this congregation



  

                   

to join together this man

and this woman in holy matrimony,



  

                   

which is an honourable estate,

instituted in the time of man's innocency.



  

                   

Back in a sec.



  

                   

If any man can show

any just cause or impediment



  

                   

why they may not be

lawfully joined together,



  

                   

Iet him speak now

or for ever hold his peace.



  

                   

Do you promise to love her, comfort her,



  

                   

honour and keep her,

in sickness and in health,



  

                   

and, forsaking all others,

keep thee only unto her



  

                   

- for as long as ye both shall live?

- I do.



  

                   

To love and to cherish



  

                   

- till death us do part.

- till death us do part.



  

                   

- And thereto I pledge thee my troth.

- And thereto I pledge thee my troth.



  

                   

Do you have the ring?



  

                   

- With this ring, I thee wed.

- With this ring, I thee wed.



  

                   

With my body, I thee worship.



  

                   

With my body, I thee worship.



  

                   

And with all my worldly goods

I do thee endow.



  

                   

And with all my worldly goods

I thee endow.



  

                   

'lf I speak with the tongues of men

and of angels, but have not love,



  

                   

I am become as sounding brass,

or a clanging cymbal.'



  

                   

Good point.



  

                   

- Great hat.

- Thanks. I bought it specially.



  

                   

There.



  

                   

Right. Get in position, please.



  

                   

Thank you. Smile.



  

                   

- Splendid, I thought. What did you think?

- I thought splendid. What did you think?



  

                   

Splendid, I thought.



  

                   

Scarlotta, fabulous dress!



  

                   

The ecclesiastical purple

and the pagan orange



  

                   

symbolising the symbiosis in marriage



  

                   

between the heathen

and Christian traditions?



  

                   

That's right.



  

                   

Lovely. And again.



  

                   

- Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?

- Name's Carrie.



  

                   

- She's pretty.

- American.



  

                   

Interesting.



  

                   

Slut.



  

                   

Really?



  

                   

Used to work at Vogue.

Lives in America now.



  

                   

Only goes out with

very glamorous people.



  

                   

Quite out of your league.



  

                   

Well, that's a relief. Thanks.



  

                   

- See you there.

- Off you go.



  

                   

Right. Reception.



  

                   

Bye!



  

                   

Anyone else tread in a cowpat?



  

                   

No, thought not. See you in a mo.



  

                   

Do you think l'd hate him as much

if he wasn't my brother?



  

                   

Don't want to blow my chances

for romance by smelling of dung.



  

                   

I never know what to say

in these wretched line-ups.



  

                   

It's a cinch. Just give a big, warm hug

and say the bride looks pregnant.



  

                   

- Or go for 'you must be very proud'.

- Heaven preserve us.



  

                   

- You must be very proud.

- Indeed.



  

                   

- Hello.

- Hello.



  

                   

Hello.



  

                   

Hi. We've met. It's Richard Maples.



  

                   

Bastard.



  

                   

Hello, Bern.



  

                   

Two, please.



  

                   

- You have fun.

- Take care.



  

                   

- Hello.

- Hi.



  

                   

- Do you want one of these?

- Thank you.



  

                   

- I...

- Hello, Charles.



  

                   

Hello, dear John.

How are you? How are you?



  

                   

- Good. This is...

- Carrie.



   

                   

- Delighted. I'm John.

- Hi, John.



   

                   

- How's your gorgeous girlfriend?

- She's no longer my girlfriend.



   

                   

Ah, dear. I wouldn't get

too gloomy about it.



   

                   

Rumour has it she never stopped bonking

Toby de Lisle in case you didn't work out.



   

                   

She is now my wife.



   

                   

Excellent. Congratulations.



   

                   

Excuse me.



   

                   

Any kids or anything, John?



   

                   

Do we hear the patter of tiny feet?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

Well, there's plenty of time for that,

isn't there? No hurry.



   

                   

Hi. How are you?



   

                   

- My name's Fiona.

- I'm Gerald.



   

                   

- What do you do?

- I'm training to be a priest.



   

                   

Good Lord!



   

                   

- Do you do weddings?

- No, not yet.



   

                   

I will, of course. Jolly nerve-racking.



   

                   

Yes, rather like the first time one has sex.



   

                   

Well, I suppose so.



   

                   

Though rather less messy, of course,

and far less call for condoms.



   

                   

How're you doing?



   

                   

Remember the time

you started Dad's boat...



   

                   

..and the propeller cut my leg to shreds?



   

                   

This is worse.



   

                   

- Who's that boy over there in the grey?

- His name's David.



   

                   

Something of a dish, isn't he?



   

                   

Well, l've always thought so.



   

                   

- Why are they...?

- The dish can't hear.



   

                   

Gosh.



   

                   

Yeah, silent but deadly attractive.



   

                   

Bang, bang, bang. That's it.



   

                   

Into the marquee, please.

Dinner is served.



   

                   

- How do you do?

- Hello. Tom. Splendid to meet you.



   

                   

Very exciting.



   

                   

Hi.



   

                   

My name's Scarlett. Don't let me

drink too much cos l'll get really flirty.



   

                   

- How do you do? My name's Charles.

- Don't be ridiculous.



   

                   

- Charles died    years ago.

- Must be a different Charles, I think.



   

                   

Are you telling me

I don't know my own brother?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

Ladies and gentlemen,

l'm sorry to drag you from your desserts.



   

                   

There are just one or two little things

I feel I should say, as best man.



   

                   

This is only the second time l've been

a best man. I hope I did OK that time.



   

                   

The couple in question

are at least still talking to me.



   

                   

Unfortunately, they're not

actually talking to each other.



   

                   

The divorce came through

a couple of months ago.



   

                   

But l'm assured it had

absolutely nothing to do with me.



   

                   

Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister

before I mentioned it in the speech.



   

                   

The fact that he'd slept with her mother

came as a surprise,



   

                   

but I think was incidental to the

nightmare of recrimination and violence



   

                   

that became their two-day marriage.



   

                   

Anyway, enough of that.

My job today is to talk about Angus.



   

                   

There are no skeletons in his cupboard.



   

                   

Or so I thought.



   

                   

I'll come on to that in a minute.

I would just like to say this.



   

                   

I am,



   

                   

as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone

who makes this kind of commitment



   

                   

that Angus and Laura have made today.



   

                   

I know I couldn't do it and



   

                   

I think it's wonderful they can.



   

                   

So, back to Angus and those sheep.



   

                   

So, ladies and gentlemen,

if you'd raise your glasses.



   

                   

The adorable couple.



   

                   

I remember the first time

I saw Gareth dancing.



   

                   

I feared lives would be lost.



   

                   

She's a pretty girl -

the one you can't take your eyes off.



   

                   

Is it love at first sight?



   

                   

Good Lord, no!

lt's the bloke she's dancing with.



   

                   

I played rugby with him at school.

I'm wondering what position he played.



   

                   

Though, let's say,

for the sake of argument,



   

                   

one did take a fancy

to someone at a wedding.



   

                   

Do you think there really

are people who can say



   

                   

'Hi, babe. My name's Charles.

This is your lucky night'?



   

                   

- Well, if there are, they're not English.

- Quite.



   

                   

Three weeks is about

my question-popping minimum.



   

                   

You know I love you, Jean, don't you?

I love you. I love you.



   

                   

And, Mike, l've never met you before,

but I love you very much. I really do.



   

                   

Ignore her. She's drunk.



   

                   

At least I hope she is.

Otherwise, l'm in real trouble.



   

                   

- How's it going, Lyds?

- Bloody awful.



   

                   

Oh, dear! What's the prob?



   

                   

I was promised sex. Everybody said it.



   

                   

'You be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex.

You'll be fighting them off.'



   

                   

But not so much as a tongue in sight.



   

                   

Well, I mean, if you fancy anything,



   

                   

- I could always...

- Don't be ridiculous, Bernard.



   

                   

- I'm not that desperate.

- No, right. Of course.



   

                   

Fair enough. It's a good point.



   

                   

Bye!



   

                   

Have a lovely time! Bye!



   

                   

Where are you staying tonight, Charles?



   

                   

Scarlett and I are at some pub. The Lucky

Boat, something like that. Aren't we all?



   

                   

No. Slight change of plan.



   

                   

The others are coming back to my place.

Nansy's in residence.



   

                   

Might knock us up a plate of eggs

and bake over a late-night Scrabble.



   

                   

- I wondered if you'd like to join.

- Yeah! Thanks very much.



   

                   

- Is there room for Scarlett?

- Absolutely.



   

                   

     rooms, actually.



   

                   

Right. Tommy, are you

the richest man in England?



   

                   

No!



   

                   

I believe we're about seventh.



   

                   

The Queen, obviously, and that

Branson bloke's doing terribly well.



   

                   

Well, excellent news.

I'll go and tell Scarlett.



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

That's unless you get lucky first.



   

                   

Hi.



   

                   

Hi. I thought you'd gone.



   

                   

No, not yet. I was just wondering

where you were staying tonight.



   

                   

Well...



   

                   

I was staying at some pub

called The Lucky...



   

                   

- The Boat or something like that.

- Boatman.



   

                   

Right. But now l'm going to stay

at some friends' house



   

                   

with some friends.



   

                   

Well, I think 'enormous castle'

is a more accurate description.



   

                   

That's too bad,

because l'm at The Boatman.



   

                   

Well, it was nice not quite meeting you.



   

                   

- It was a great speech.

- Thanks.



   

                   

- Well, l'm going now.

- No! No, no. Don't go. We can meet now.



   

                   

- The evening's just getting going.

- We both know that's a big lie.



   

                   

Fuck.



   

                   

The castle beckons, Tom. Are you sober?



   

                   

Absolutely. Orange juice all night.



   

                   

Come on.



   

                   

Bye, everybody!



   

                   

All together now.



   

                   

Bernard!



   

                   

Tom, can you stop the car?



   

                   

Stop the car.



   

                   

Sorry. I just think

I might stay in that pub after all.



   

                   

Why on earth...?



   

                   

No, seriously. I'm doing some research

into pubs with the word 'boat' in the title.



   

                   

- Oh, well. Please yourself.

- It's a silly thing.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

Odd decision.



   

                   

Hello.



   

                   

- Hi.

- Hi.



   

                   

In the end there wasn't room for all of us.



   

                   

You said it was a castle.



   

                   

Yes, it is a castle.

It's just a very, very small one.



   

                   

Tiny, in fact.

Just one up, one down, which is rare.



   

                   

Drink, sir?



   

                   

Yeah. I'd like a glass of whisky, please.



   

                   

- Do you want...?

- Yeah, sounds good.



   

                   

- Another for the lady.

- Doubles, sir?



   

                   

Thanks.



   

                   

You here, too? How are you?



   

                   

- Hello. I'm fine.

- Haven't seen Carrie, have you?



   

                   

- Who?

- Carrie. American girl. Lovely legs.



   

                   

Wedding guest. Nice smell.



   

                   

- No. Sorry.

- Damn!



   

                   

Blast! I think I was in there.



   

                   

If you do see her,

could you tell her l've gone to my room?



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

- Your whisky, sir.

- Thank you.



   

                   

- And one for the...

- Road. Lovely.



   

                   

I think I might have one of those.

Do you mind if I join you?



   

                   

- No. It'd be lovely.

- Another glass of whisky and a cigar.



   

                   

Hold on. Make that a bottle.

We might as well settle in, eh?



   

                   

Let's see if we can push on till dawn.



   

                   

- Lovely wedding.

- Yes.



   

                   

I was at school with his brother Bufty.

Tremendous bloke.



   

                   

He was head of my house.

Buggered me senseless.



   

                   

Still, it taught me about life.



   

                   

Where do you know him from?



   

                   

- University.

- Splendid.



   

                   

Splendid. Yep.



   

                   

I didn't go myself. I couldn't see the point.



   

                   

When you work in the money markets,

what use is Wordsworth, eh?



   

                   

Excuse me, sir. Your wife says

could you come upstairs at once?



   

                   

Room     in case you're so drunk

you can't remember.



   

                   

- My wife?

- Yes, sir.



   

                   

My wife!



   

                   

God! You are drunk if you can't

remember you've got a wife.



   

                   

Yeah...



   

                   

- Do you mind if l...

- No, no. Off you go. Best of luck.



   

                   

Lucky bachelor, me. I'll have another

search for that Katie creature.



   

                   

- Carrie.

- That's the one. Damn fine filly.



   

                   

I think l'm in there.



   

                   

- Hi.

- Hello.



   

                   

- Sorry about that.

- He was hard to get rid of.



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

So...



   

                   

Maybe we could just skulk around here

for a bit and then go back down.



   

                   

That's a thought. I don't usually skulk,



   

                   

but I suppose I could skulk

if skulking were required.



   

                   

Do you skulk regularly?



   

                   

No. No, I don't normally think of myself

as a skulker but...



   

                   

Well, why don't you come in

and skulk for a while and we'll see?



   

                   

I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss

in the church, which is kind of strange.



   

                   

Where I come from, kissing is very big.



   

                   

Is it? Well, I think you're right.

We are probably more reserved.



   

                   

'You may kiss the bride' isn't

actually in the Book of Common Prayer.



   

                   

I always worry l'll go too far

in the heat of the moment.



   

                   

How far do you think too far would be?



   

                   

I don't know.



   

                   

Maybe



   

                   

that would be all right.



   

                   

- I think that would be fine.

- In fact, it might be a bit dismissive.



   

                   

Maybe this



   

                   

might be better.



   

                   

Yeah, I think it would be dangerous

to take it any further.



   

                   

I mean...



   

                   

That might be taking it a little far.



   

                   

What about this?



   

                   

Do you think the vicar would think things

had slipped a little out of his control?



   

                   

I think he might. This kind of thing

is really better suited to the honeymoon



   

                   

than to the service itself.



   

                   

Why do you think

it's called a honeymoon?



   

                   

I don't know. I suppose it's 'honey'

cos it's sweet as honey



   

                   

and 'moon' because it was the first time



   

                   

a husband got to see his wife's bottom.



   

                   

What's happening?



   

                   

I have to go.



   

                   

- Where?

- America.



   

                   

That is a tragedy.



   

                   

Just before I go,



   

                   

when were you thinking of

announcing the engagement?



   

                   

Sorry. Whose engagement?



   

                   

Ours.



   

                   

I assumed since we slept together

and everything, we'd be getting married.



   

                   

What did you think?



   

                   

I...



   

                   

Gosh! You know, that takes a lot

of thinking about, that kind of thing.



   

                   

Obviously, l'm... I...



   

                   

You're joking.



   

                   

God! For a moment there

I thought I was in Fatal Attraction.



   

                   

You were Glenn Close and I was

gonna find my pet rabbit on the stove.



   

                   

No.



   

                   

But I think we both missed

a great opportunity here.



   

                   

Bye.



   

                   

Three months later



   

                   

Oh, fuck!



   

                   

Fuck!



   

                   

Fuckity fuck!



   

                   

Fuck!



   

                   

- Car or taxi?

- Taxi. We could never park.



   

                   

Car seems a good idea.



   

                   

- Fuck!

- Fuck!



   

                   

Leave it. No one will notice.



   

                   

Sorry l'm late. Traffic.



   

                   

Yeah... Who is it today?



   

                   

One more, please.



   

                   

In the name of the Father

and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.



   

                   

Amen.



   

                   

Let us pray.



   

                   

Father, you have made

the bond of marriage a holy mystery,



   

                   

a symbol of Christ's love for his church.



   

                   

Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia

through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord,



   

                   

who lives and reigns

with you and the Holy Goat...



   

                   

Ghost.



   

                   

One God, for ever and ever.



   

                   

Amen.



   

                   

It's his first time. He's a family friend.



   

                   

Bernard and Lydia,



   

                   

I shall now ask if you freely undertake

the obligations of marriage.



   

                   

Bernard, repeat after me.



   

                   

- I do solemnly declare...

- I do solemnly declare...



   

                   

that I know not

of any lawful impediment...



   

                   

that I know not

of any lawful impediment...



   

                   

why l, Lydia...



   

                   

why l, Bernard...



   

                   

Sorry.



   

                   

why l, Bernard Godfrey

Saint John Delaney,...



   

                   

why l, Bernard Geoffrey

St John Delaney,...



   

                   

may not be joined in matrimony

to Lydia John Hibbott.



   

                   

may not be joined in matrimony

to Lydia Jane Hibbott.



   

                   

Lydia, repeat after me.



   

                   

- I do solemnly declare...

- I do solemnly declare...



   

                   

that I know not

of any lawful impediment...



   

                   

that I know not

of any lawful impediment...



   

                   

why l, Lydia Jane Hibbott,...



   

                   

why l, Lydia Jane Hibbott,...



   

                   

may not be johned in matrimony...



   

                   

may not be joined in matrimony...



   

                   

to Bernard Geoffrey

Sidd... Siddun... Delaney.



   

                   

to Bernard Geoffrey St John Delaney.



   

                   

I call upon those persons

here present to witness...



   

                   

I call upon those persons

here present to witness...



   

                   

that l, Bernard...



   

                   

Delaney,...



   

                   

that l, Bernard Delaney,...



   

                   

do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott,...



   

                   

do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott,...



   

                   

to be my awful wedded wife.



   

                   

to be my lawful wedded wife.



   

                   

That's ri... That's right.



   

                   

May Almighty God bless you all.



   

                   

The Father, the Son,

and the Holy Spigot... Spirit.



   

                   

Amen.



   

                   

Bravo!



   

                   

Thanks.



   

                   

Coming, Bernie!



   

                   

Sorry.



   

                   

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.



   

                   

That way?



   

                   

Sorry. Could you two...? Sorry.



   

                   

Sorry!



   

                   

I've got a new theory about marriage.



   

                   

Two people are in love, they live together,

and one day they run out of conversation.



   

                   

Totally. They can't think of a single thing

to say to each other.



   

                   

That's it. Panic.



   

                   

Then suddenly, it occurs to the chap

that there is a way out of the deadlock.



   

                   

- Which is?

- He'll ask her to marry him.



   

                   

Brilliant!



   

                   

They've got something to talk about

for the rest of their lives.



   

                   

So it's just a way out of

an embarrassing pause in conversation.



   

                   

The definitive icebreaker.



   

                   

- Tom! How's the speech coming along?

- It's pretty good, I think.



   

                   

Something for everyone. Tears, laughter...



   

                   

- Excellent.

- It's a very good theory, Gareth.



   

                   

There is another argument, of course,

that it has something to do with true love.



   

                   

Well, there's a thought.



   

                   

- Can I help you, sir?

- Can I have three brandies, please?



   

                   

Hi.



   

                   

Hello!



   

                   

- How are you?

- Fine!



   

                   

Sorry. I'm overwhelmed to see you.



   

                   

Look, don't go back to America. Please.



   

                   

- I'll be back in two secs, OK?

- OK.



   

                   

Hi, Fi.



   

                   

Those are yours. See you in five hours.



   

                   

- Something happened?

- It has. This is a bloody great wedding.



   

                   

Hi.



   

                   

Well, you look perfect.

In fact, you probably are perfect.



   

                   

- How are you?

- I'm really well.



   

                   

Charles, l'd like you

to meet Hamish, my fiancé.



   

                   

Excellent.



   

                   

How do you do, Hamish?

Delighted to meet you.



   

                   

Charming surprise to find Carrie back.



   

                   

Took a lot of persuading, I can tell you.



   

                   

Darling, I told James

I was going to get you.



   

                   

He'll think l've totally

lost control of you already.



   

                   

I'll see you later.



   

                   

How are you doing, Charles?



   

                   

Not great, actually, suddenly.



   

                   

I don't know...



   

                   

I mean, what the hell's going on here?



   

                   

Why am I always at weddings

and never actually getting married, Matt?



   

                   

It's probably because you're a bit scruffy.



   

                   

Or it could also be

cos you haven't met the right girl.



   

                   

But you see, is that it?



   

                   

Maybe I have met the right girls.

Maybe I meet the right girls all the time.



   

                   

- Maybe it's me.

- Nonsense.



   

                   

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,

dinner is served.



   

                   

Come on. Odds on,

you meet your wife at dinner.



   

                   

Yes.



   

                   

Oh, my God!



   

                   

Charles?



   

                   

- Hi.

- Hello. I'm Alistair.



   

                   

Great.



   

                   

- I believe you know Veronica.

- Yeah. Hi, Vee. Hi.



   

                   

Nicki.



   

                   

Great.



   

                   

Tell me, are you married?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

- Are you a lesbian?

- Good Lord!



   

                   

What made you say that?



   

                   

It's one of the possibilities

for unmarried girls.



   

                   

It is a bit more interesting than saying

'just never found the right chap'.



   

                   

- Quite right. Why be dull?

- Thank you.



   

                   

The truth is, I have met the right person,

only he's not in love with me.



   

                   

And until I stop loving him

no one else stands a chance.



   

                   

- Bad luck.

- Yes, isn't it?



   

                   

I was a lesbian once at school,

but only for     minutes.



   

                   

I don't think it counts.



   

                   

There are     different kinds of tea,



   

                   

and that's not including

all these so-called fruit teas.



   

                   

I took Veronica out to lndia at Christmas

to look at the plantations.



   

                   

- You and her went there once.

- That's right.



   

                   

Charles was vile. He insisted on

cracking jokes all the time I was ill.



   

                   

- Trying to cheer you up.

- You're that Veronica!



   

                   

Which Veronica? Charlie?



   

                   

- Remember Bombay?

- When Charles and I were going out,



   

                   

he told me he'd had this

interesting journey round lndia



   

                   

with Vomiting Veronica.

I think that was it.



   

                   

I don't remember ever mentioning it.

Maybe I did.



   

                   

Come on, Charles. I don't think l've

ever been out with anyone less discreet.



   

                   

- That's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?

- It is not.



   

                   

I remember you going on

about this girl Helena



   

                   

- whose mother made a pass at you.

- I remember this.



   

                   

You couldn't work out whether it would

be impolite not to accept her advances.



   

                   

That's right. Mrs Piggy.

Helena was Miss Piggy,



   

                   

so her mother was Mrs Piggy!



   

                   

I think perhaps it was a...



   

                   

We've both lost a lot of weight since then.



   

                   

Great! The speeches.



   

                   

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,

pray silence for the best man.



   

                   

When Bernard told me

he was getting engaged to Lydia,



   

                   

I congratulated him because all his other

girlfriends were such complete dogs.



   

                   

Although may I say how delighted we are

to have so many of them here today.



   

                   

I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla,

who many of you will remember



   

                   

as the first person

Bernard asked to marry him.



   

                   

If I remember rightly,

she told him to sod off.



   

                   

And lucky for Lydia that she did.



   

                   

It's very disappointing.



   

                   

We had the most adorable girl

at our table called Carrie.



   

                   

Apparently her fiancé's awfully grand

and he owns half of Scotland.



   

                   

- How are you?

- I'm stuck in the wedding from hell.



   

                   

Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn.



   

                   

If I meet Henrietta,

the horror will be complete.



   

                   

Hello, Charles.



   

                   

Hello, Hen. How are you?



   

                   

Hen...



   

                   

Why can't you leave her alone?

Haven't you hurt her enough?



   

                   

Excuse me. I think l'd better be

where other people are not.



   

                   

Hello.



   

                   

I'm S-e-r-e-n-a.



   

                   

Hello.



   

                   

I'm just learning.



   

                   

I'm probably naking tols of nistakes.



   

                   

No - perfect. Perfect.



   

                   

Would you like to dance?



   

                   

That would be... mice.



   

                   

Taxi!



   

                   

Good night, sir.



   

                   

It's all right. Oh, God! This is wonderful.



   

                   

Wait a minute. This is no fun.

I want to see my lovely husband.



   

                   

Who's a very bad bridegroom indeed?



   

                   

- Have you got a boyfriend?

- Yes.



   

                   

- What's his name?

- Dolph. He's good at table tennis.



   

                   

- What about you?

- No. Afraid not.



   

                   

Why not?



   

                   

Don't know.



   

                   

Because most of the blokes I fancy

think l'm stupid and pointless,



   

                   

so they just bonk me and then leave me,



   

                   

and the kind of blokes that do fancy me,

I think are drips.



   

                   

I can't even be bothered to bonk them,



   

                   

which does sort of leave me

a bit nowhere.



   

                   

What's bonking?



   

                   

Well, it's kind of like table tennis,

only with slightly smaller balls.



   

                   

So good!



   

                   

- I love my wife!

- And I love my husband!



   

                   

- Do you think we'd better get back?

- We could just wait a few minutes



   

                   

and have another go.



   

                   

Naughty little rabbit!



   

                   

Found it.



   

                   

Charles! Charles, we must talk.



   

                   

Right.



   

                   

The thing is, Charlie,

l've spoken to lots of people about you.



   

                   

Everybody agrees

you're in real trouble, Charles.



   

                   

Am l?



   

                   

You see, you're turning into

a kind of serial monogamist.



   

                   

One girlfriend after another,

yet you never really let anyone near you.



   

                   

On the contrary...



   

                   

You're affectionate to them

and sweet to them.



   

                   

Even to me,

although you thought I was an idiot.



   

                   

- I did not.

- You did.



   

                   

- I thought U  was a type of submarine.

- In a way, you were right.



   

                   

- Their music has a naval quality.

- Be serious, Charles.



   

                   

Give people a chance. You don't

have to think 'l must get married',



   

                   

but you mustn't start relationships

thinking 'l mustn't get married'.



   

                   

Most of the time I don't think at all.

I just potter along.



   

                   

Charlie!



   

                   

Oh, God! The way you used to look at me!



   

                   

I just misread it, that's all.



   

                   

I thought you were going to propose



   

                   

and you were just working out

how to leave.



   

                   

- No, I wasn't.

- Oh, God, this is ridiculous.



   

                   

Hen...



   

                   

- Having a good night?

- Yes.



   

                   

It's right up there with my father's

funeral for sheer entertainment value.



   

                   

- I thought you'd gone.

- No. Hamish took the Edinburgh sleeper.



   

                   

I'm off now. Keep me company?



   

                   

Here, please.



   

                   

You want to come up for a nightcap?



   

                   

- You sure?

- Well, yes. I think we can risk it.



   

                   

I'm pretty sure I can resist you.

You're not that cute.



   

                   

Sorry... Yeah, great.



   

                   

Morning, Charles. Breakfast's up.



   

                   

One month later



   

                   

What are you up to today?



   

                   

Oh, yeah...



   

                   

I'm taking advantage of the fact that,

for the first time in my entire life,



   

                   

it's Saturday

and I don't have a wedding to go to.



   

                   

All I have to do is not be late for David.



   

                   

I was going to go for a job.



   

                   

This new shop called Spank wants

a sales assistant. I think l'd be great.



   

                   

- They sell all this funny rubber stuff.

- No...



   

                   

Another wedding invitation,

and a list. Lovely!



   

                   

They say rubber's mainly for perverts.



   

                   

Don't know why.

I think it's very practical, actually.



   

                   

You spill anything on it

and it just comes off.



   

                   

That could be why the perverts like it.



   

                   

You all right?



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

It's that girl Carrie.

You remember, the...



   

                   

The American.



   

                   

Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.



   

                   

- Do you have the wedding list for Banks?

- Certainly, sir.



   

                   

Lots of beautiful things

for around about the £  ,    mark.



   

                   

What about things around

the sort of £   mark? ls there much?



   

                   

Well, you could get

that Pygmy warrior over there.



   

                   

This? Excellent!



   

                   

If you could find someone

to chip in the other     .



   

                   

Or our carrier bags are £  .   each.



   

                   

Why don't you just get    of them?



   

                   

Well, I think l'll probably leave it.



   

                   

Thanks very much. You've been very...



   

                   

- What did you get?

- Blimey!



   

                   

Well, I never!



   

                   

Nothing yet. I'm just, you know, deciding.



   

                   

- It's nice to see you.

- It's nice to see you.



   

                   

This present thing is great.

I should've gotten married years ago.



   

                   

- Anybody get the Pygmy?

- The young man thought about it...



   

                   

No!



   

                   

Just get me an ashtray.



   

                   

Are you free for about a half-hour?



   

                   

Yeah.



   

                   

I'm meeting my brother,

but I can be a bit late.



   

                   

Oh, good. You have

an important decision to make.



   

                   

- Now, you mustn't laugh.

- OK. Right.



   

                   

What do you think?



   

                   

Divine.



   

                   

Bit of a meringue?



   

                   

Don't worry. We've only just begun.



   

                   

What do you think?



   

                   

- You're kidding.

- But it would be wonderful.



   

                   

Maybe next time.



   

                   

What do you think?



   

                   

- I knew it.

- With a staff, you could look after sheep.



   

                   

Don't be rude.



   

                   

It's a bit sexy, this.



   

                   

Well...



   

                   

If I were your husband,

I would die of pride.



   

                   

You may be right. It is dangerous.



   

                   

There's nothing worse at a wedding

than a priest with an erection.



   

                   

It's strange thinking

you'll never sleep with anyone else.



   

                   

- You don't think you'll be unfaithful?

- No. Not once l'm married.



   

                   

I told Hamish l'll kill him if he does,

so l'd better stick to that.



   

                   

Quite right.



   

                   

Anyway, I reckon l've had my fair run at it.



   

                   

What is a fair run these days,

down your way?



   

                   

I don't know.



   

                   

More than one.



   

                   

Well, come on. Tell me.



   

                   

I've seen the dress. We have no secrets.



   

                   

Well...



   

                   

The first one - of course,

not easily forgotten - was kinda nice.



   

                   

Two... hairy back.



   

                   

Three, four, five... Six was

on my birthday in my parents' room.



   

                   

- Which birthday?

-   th.



   

                   

- We've only reached   ?

- I grew up in the country.



   

                   

Lots of rolling around in haystacks.



   

                   

OK. Seven...



   

                   

Eight, unfortunately, was quite a shock.



   

                   

Nine, against a fence.

Very uncomfortable. Don't try it.



   

                   

I won't.



   

                   

   was gorgeous. Just heaven, just...



   

                   

- He was wonderful.

- I hate him.



   

                   

    , obviously after    disappointing.



   

                   

    through    the university years.

Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys.



   

                   

Sexually speaking, a real low patch.



   

                   

   broke my heart.



   

                   

- Years of yearning.

- I'm sorry.



   

                   

  ... Oh, my God!

I can't believe l've reached   .



   

                   

   , elephant tongue.



   

                   

   kept falling asleep.

That was my first year in England.



   

                   

I do apologise.



   

                   

-    and    together. That was something.

- Seriously?



   

                   

  ... That was a mistake.



   

                   

- Suddenly at    you make a mistake?

- Yes, he kept screaming.



   

                   

Very off-putting.

I nearly gave up on the whole thing.



   

                   

But Spencer changed my mind. That's   .



   

                   

- His father,   .

- With his father?



   

                   

  .



   

                   

   ... Oh, my God.



   

                   

   was lovely.



   

                   

And then my fiancé, that's   .



   

                   

Wow!



   

                   

So I came after your fiancé?



   

                   

No, you were   .



   

                   

So there you go.



   

                   

Less than Madonna,

more than Princess Di - I hope.



   

                   

And how about you?

How many have you slept with?



   

                   

Christ! Nothing like that many.

I don't know...



   

                   

I don't know what the fuck

l've been doing with my time.



   

                   

Work, probably. Yeah, work.

I have been working late a lot.



   

                   

I wish l'd rung you.



   

                   

But then you never rang me.



   

                   

You ruthlessly slept with me twice

and never rang me.



   

                   

Bollocks!



   

                   

Help me, please! Please!



   

                   

You're no longer my brother,

you're just some git I once met.



   

                   

I'm sorry.



   

                   

Carrie, this is David, my brother.



   

                   

This is Carrie.



   

                   

Hi.



   

                   

We were buying her a wedding dress.



   

                   

Pathetic excuse. Who's she marrying?



   

                   

Some total penis.



   

                   

What is it about penises

that they get such great wives?



   

                   

I was just telling him

about you marrying Hamish



   

                   

and he said it couldn't have happened

to a nicer fellow.



   

                   

Didn't you do it with her once?



   

                   

- Where are you doing it?

- Scotland.



   

                   

Yes.



   

                   

Beautiful breasts.



   

                   

He says that's a beautiful place. Hilly.



   

                   

You should come to the wedding, too.



   

                   

I want lots of friends to make up for

the gruesome stiffs that Hamish knows.



   

                   

Well, you'd better go in.



   

                   

Bye.



   

                   

- Bye.

- Bye.



   

                   

Come on - we're late.



   

                   

Fuck it!



   

                   

Look. Sorry.



   

                   

I just... Well...

This is a really stupid question,



   

                   

particularly in view

of our shopping excursion,



   

                   

but I just wondered if by any chance...



   

                   

Obviously not, because

l've only slept with nine people.



   

                   

But l... I just wondered...



   

                   

I really feel...



   

                   

In short, to recap

in a slightly clearer version,



   

                   

in the words of David Cassidy,

while still with the Partridge Family,



   

                   

I think I love you. And...



   

                   

I just wondered whether

by any chance you wouldn't like to...



   

                   

No. No, of course not.



   

                   

I'm an idiot. He's not.



   

                   

Excellent. Fantastic.



   

                   

Lovely to see you.

Sorry to disturb. Better get on.



   

                   

- Fuck!

- That was very romantic.



   

                   

Well, I thought it over a lot, you know.

I wanted to get it just right.



   

                   

Important to have said it, I think.



   

                   

Said what, exactly?



   

                   

Said, you know, what I just said

about David Cassidy.



   

                   

You're lovely.



   

                   

One month later



   

                   

It was ordained for lifelong faithful

relationships and conjugal love.



   

                   

It was ordained

for the welfare of human society,



   

                   

which can be strong and happy



   

                   

only when the marriage bond

is held in honour.



   

                   

Into this holy estate

these two persons now desire to enter.



   

                   

Wherefore, if anyone can show

any just cause



   

                   

why they may not lawfully

be joined together in marriage,



   

                   

Iet him now declare it.



   

                   

Sorry.



   

                   

Please rise.



   

                   

Do you, Hamish, take this woman

Caroline to be your wedded wife



   

                   

and do you, in the presence of God

and before this congregation,



   

                   

promise and covenant to be to her

a loving and faithful husband



   

                   

until God shall separate you by death?



   

                   

I do.



   

                   

Do you, Caroline, take this man Hamish

to be your wedded husband



   

                   

and do you, in the presence of God

and before this congregation,



   

                   

promise and covenant to be to him

a loving and faithful wife



   

                   

until God shall separate you by death?



   

                   

I do.



   

                   

Fuck-a-doodle-doo.



   

                   

- How awfully nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.



   

                   

Hello.



   

                   

You look beautiful.

Not a meringue in sight.



   

                   

Thanks.



   

                   

Blimey!



   

                   

It's Brigadoon! lt's bloody Brigadoon!



   

                   

Dear old things, as you know,

l've always been proud



   

                   

that there's not a wedding ring

between the lot of us.



   

                   

Over the passing of the years,

it's beginning to distress me.



   

                   

I'd like to go to the wedding

of someone I really loved for a change.



   

                   

Don't blame me.

I've asked practically everyone I know.



   

                   

- You haven't asked me.

- Haven't l?



   

                   

Oh, Scarlett... Would you like to?



   

                   

No, thank you.

It was very nice of you to ask.



   

                   

Well... Any time.



   

                   

Quite right, Tom, quite right.

That's the spirit.



   

                   

Tonight, these are your orders.



   

                   

Go forth and conjugate.

Find husbands and wives.



   

                   

Excellent. What do you think, Fifi?

Spot a potential hubby?



   

                   

- Bugger off, Tom.

- Quite right.



   

                   

A toast before we go into battle.



   

                   

True love.



   

                   

In whatever shape or form it may come.



   

                   

May we all in our dotage be proud to say

'l was adored once, too.'



   

                   

- True love.

- True love!



   

                   

Apparently, an enormous

number of people



   

                   

actually bump into

their future spouses at weddings,



   

                   

which is interesting.



   

                   

Yes, I met my husband at a wedding.



   

                   

Good Lord, I seem to have finished

my drink. If you'll excuse me.



   

                   

Hello. My name's Scarlett.



   

                   

Named after Scarlett O'Hara,

but much less trouble.



   

                   

- What's your name?

- My name's Rhett.



   

                   

No...



   

                   

- Not really?

- No, not really.



   

                   

- In fact, it's Chester.

- You kidder!



   

                   

I always imagine Americans

are gonna be dull as shit.



   

                   

Of course you're not, are you?



   

                   

Steve Martin's American, isn't he?



   

                   

Yes, he is.



   

                   

You're lovely.



   

                   

Hello, Charles.



   

                   

Oh, Hen. Hi.



   

                   

Look, I couldn't really bear a scene today.



   

                   

I know we've probably

got tons to talk about...



   

                   

Did I behave that atrociously last time?



   

                   

Well, you remember

the shower scene in Psycho?



   

                   

Scarier.



   

                   

God, l'm depressed, Hen! How are you?



   

                   

I'm cheerful. I weigh almost nothing

and l've got a divine new boyfriend.



   

                   

Perhaps we should've got married.



   

                   

No! l'd have had to marry your friends,

and l'm not sure I could take Fiona.



   

                   

Fiona loves you.



   

                   

- Fiona calls me Duckface.

- Well, I never heard that.



   

                   

Look, darling, come to lunch soon.

Give me a ring.



   

                   

Still cute.



   

                   

How's Duckface?



   

                   

Good form, actually. Not too mad.



   

                   

Ladies and gentlemen,

the bride and groom!



   

                   

You like this girl, don't you?



   

                   

Yes.



   

                   

Yes, it's...



   

                   

It's a strange thing

when at last it happens.



   

                   

And she's marrying someone else.



   

                   

How about you, Fifi? Have you

identified a future partner for life yet?



   

                   

No need, really.



   

                   

The deed is done.



   

                   

I've been in love

with the same bloke for ages.



   

                   

Have you? Who's that?



   

                   

You, Charlie.



   

                   

It's always been you.



   

                   

Since first we met so many years ago.



   

                   

I knew the first moment.



   

                   

Across a crowded room. A lawn, in fact.



   

                   

Doesn't matter.



   

                   

Nothing either of us can do

on this one. Such is life.



   

                   

Friends isn't bad, you know.



   

                   

Friends is quite something.



   

                   

Oh, Fi...



   

                   

It's not all easy, is it?



   

                   

No.



   

                   

Just forget this business. Not to be.



   

                   

Matthew, darling.



   

                   

- Where's Gareth?

- Torturing Americans.



   

                   

How thoughtful of him.



   

                   

Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?



   

                   

Not personally, no.



   

                   

But I do know someone

who could get his fax number for you.



   

                   

Shall we dance?



   

                   

Well? Any rings on fingers?



   

                   

Gareth, you don't know

how lucky you are.



   

                   

Finding someone to marry

is a tricky business.



   

                   

It's hell out there. Matthew's trapped

with an evangelist from Minnesota.



   

                   

Sweet Jesus, cast out the devil!



   

                   

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,

please charge your glasses.



   

                   

First, and rather unusually,

we have the bride.



   

                   

Excellent. I love this girl.



   

                   

Thank you.



   

                   

First of all, l'd like to thank all of you

who've flown in from the States.



   

                   

As for the rest of you, l'd have thought

that lots of frightful Americans flying in



   

                   

was an excuse for staying away.

So I thank you, too.



   

                   

If my darling dad had been here today,

he would have been speaking now,



   

                   

and I know what he would have said:



   

                   

'Great dress, babe, but why in the hell

are you marrying the stiff in the skirt?'



   

                   

And I would have given him

the same answer that I give you:



   

                   

'Because I love him.'



   

                   

As John Lennon said,

who died the same year as my dad,



   

                   

'Love is the answer,

and you know that for sure.'



   

                   

And one more thing.



   

                   

Someone told me here that, if things with

Hamish didn't work out, he would step in.



   

                   

I just wanted to say thanks,

and l'll keep you posted.



   

                   

Bravo!



   

                   

Now, my lords, ladies, and gentlemen,

Sir Hamish Banks.



   

                   

Anyone involved in politics

for the last    years



   

                   

has got used to being

upstaged by a woman.



   

                   

I didn't expect it to happen to me

on my wedding day.



   

                   

However, I must also say

that l'm quite happy



   

                   

to be upstaged by this woman

for the rest of my life.



   

                   

Is that some barracking at the back?

We politicians are used to that.



   

                   

- Shit! Find a doctor!

- Right. OK.



   

                   

First of all,

my compliments to the bridesmaids.



   

                   

You did your duties superbly.



   

                   

And obviously I intend to use you

every time I get married from now on.



   

                   

I want to thank

all those wonderful ladies of the parish



   

                   

who did the flowers in the church.



   

                   

The stern old building took on

a look of flushed youth today.



   

                   

I remember the first time

I laid eyes on Caroline.



   

                   

I thought to myself:

'lf by any chance she's short-sighted,



   

                   

I might just be happy

for the rest of my life.'



   

                   

I thought I could see my future

for the first time.



   

                   

It was a joyful one,

for years and years to come.



   

                   

Good morning, and a warm welcome

to you all on this cold day.



   

                   

Our service will begin in a few minutes.



   

                   

But first we have asked Matthew,

Gareth's closest friend,



   

                   

to say a few words.



   

                   

Gareth used to prefer funerals

to weddings.



   

                   

He said it was easier to get enthusiastic



   

                   

about a ceremony one had an outside

chance of eventually being involved in.



   

                   

In order to prepare this speech,

I rang a few people



   

                   

to get a general picture of how Gareth

was regarded by those who met him.



   

                   

'Fat' seems to have been a word

people most connected with him.



   

                   

'Terribly rude' also rang a lot of bells.



   

                   

So 'very fat' and 'very rude' seems

to have been the stranger's viewpoint.



   

                   

But some of you have rung me

and let me know that you loved him,



   

                   

which I know he would have been

thrilled to hear.



   

                   

You remember his fabulous hospitality,

his strange experimental cooking.



   

                   

The recipe for duck á la banana

fortunately goes with him to his grave.



   

                   

Most of all, you tell me of

his enormous capacity for joy.



   

                   

And, when joyful,

for highly vocal drunkenness.



   

                   

I hope joyful is how

you will remember him.



   

                   

Not stuck in a box in a church.



   

                   

Pick your favourite of his waistcoats

and remember him that way.



   

                   

The most splendid, replete,



   

                   

big-hearted



   

                   

- weak-hearted, as it turned out -



   

                   

and jolly bugger most of us ever met.



   

                   

As for me, you may ask

how I will remember him.



   

                   

What I thought of him.



   

                   

Unfortunately, there I run out of words.



   

                   

Forgive me

if I turn from my own feelings



   

                   

to the words of another

splendid bugger, WH Auden.



   

                   

This is actually what I want to say:



   

                   

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,



   

                   

Prevent the dog from barking

with a juicy bone,



   

                   

Silence the pianos

and with muffled drum



   

                   

Bring out the coffin,

let the mourners come.



   

                   

Let the aeroplanes circle

moaning overhead



   

                   

Scribbling on the sky the message

He ls Dead.



   

                   

Put crepe bows round the white necks

of the public doves,



   

                   

Let traffic policemen

wear black cotton gloves.



   

                   

He was my North, my South,

my East and West.



   

                   

My working week and my Sunday rest,



   

                   

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;



   

                   

I thought that love would last for ever:



   

                   

I was wrong.



   

                   

The stars are not wanted now:



   

                   

Put out every one;



   

                   

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;



   

                   

Pour away the ocean

and sweep up the wood;



   

                   

For nothing now

can ever come to any good.



   

                   

It was good of you to come. Must have

been the shortest honeymoon in history.



   

                   

No, it's fine. We'll do it some other time.



   

                   

You know, what you said in the street...



   

                   

- Yes, l'm sorry about that.

- No, I liked it.



   

                   

I liked you saying it.



   

                   

Charlie, l'll take Scarlett home, all right?



   

                   

Darling Fi.



   

                   

Walk, Charlie?



   

                   

Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand.



   

                   

Never felt like that.

I mean, something vaguely similar,



   

                   

for Jilly, when I was young.



   

                   

Jilly?



   

                   

Labrador.



   

                   

Yes, it's odd, isn't it?



   

                   

All these years

we've been single and proud of it



   

                   

and never noticed that two of us were,

in effect, married all this time.



   

                   

Traitors in our midst.



   

                   

You know, I think death is hardest

for the parents, don't you?



   

                   

I hope I die before my children.



   

                   

Tom...



   

                   

There's one thing I find really...



   

                   

Well... It's your total confidence

that you will get married.



   

                   

I mean, what if

you never find the right girl?



   

                   

Sorry?



   

                   

Surely, if that service shows anything,



   

                   

it shows that there is such a thing

as a perfect match.



   

                   

If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew,

then maybe we should just let it go.



   

                   

Some of us are not gonna get married.



   

                   

Well, I don't know, Charlie.



   

                   

The truth is, unlike you,

I never expected the thunderbolt.



   

                   

I always just hoped that l'd meet

some nice, friendly girl,



   

                   

Iike the look of her, hope the look of me

didn't make her physically sick,



   

                   

then pop the question

and settle down and be happy.



   

                   

It worked for my parents.

Well, apart from the divorce...



   

                   

I'll give you six months

at the outside, Tom.



   

                   

Yeah, maybe you're right.



   

                   

Maybe all this waiting for

one true love stuff gets you nowhere.



   

                   

What the fuck is going on?



   

                   

I thought we'd better make

absolutely sure we weren't late.



   

                   

Excellent wedding hairstyle.



   

                   

Ten months later



   

                   

Matthew.

The best-looking best man in the world.



   

                   

Listen. Thank you for doing this today.



   

                   

Of course.



   

                   

I wish Gareth was here.



   

                   

Bet he does, too.



   

                   

I'm sorry we're so late.

The others are just parking the car.



   

                   

I thought we'd all go with Tom.



   

                   

- Late? So late?

- Yeah. It's  .  .



   

                   

-  .  ?

- Yep.    minutes till 'l do'.



   

                   

Oh, bloody Tom!

I told him to set the alarm for eight!



   

                   

Fuck it! Fuck!



   

                   

- Scarlett.

- Hi!



   

                   

- You ready?

- Absolutely. Give me    seconds.



   

                   

- Time.

- Honestly?



   

                   

Yes! Time!



   

                   

It's about ten to nine.



   

                   

Bastards.



   

                   

Jessica, stop jumping

up and down, please.



   

                   

One, two, three, smile!



   

                   

- This is splendid tuck.

- Yes, I think I might say a little word.



   

                   

As you know, l've been a close observer

of Charles's love life for many years.



   

                   

But recently l'd started to despair and fear

that really he was married to us,



   

                   

- except that we won't have his babies.

- I don't know about that.



   

                   

But it's all turned out splendidly.

The girl is sadly crazy,



   

                   

but perhaps that's why he loves her.



   

                   

I'd like to propose a toast to my Charlie

and his beautiful girl on this tragic day.



   

                   

- So, be happy and don't forget us.

- Thank you.



   

                   

- To Charles and Duckface.

- Charles and Duckface!



   

                   

- What do you think?

- You look divine.



   

                   

It does work, doesn't it? Yes.



   

                   

I'd like to thank Fiona for those

charming words about my future wife.



    

                   

I'd like to take this opportunity

to read a message from her to you all.



    

                   

This is exciting.



    

                   

She says 'Any of you come near

the house, l'll set the dogs on you.'



    

                   

I think that's a nice touch.



    

                   

Sweet!



    

                   

'Set the dogs on you'!



    

                   

John, hi.



    

                   

- John, you made it.

- Yes.



    

                   

I hope me damn sister turns up.

Not much of a wedding without a bride.



    

                   

Tom!



    

                   

Bit of a poor show

you not having a stag night.



    

                   

We did! We did... We didn't think it was

a very good idea in this day and age.



    

                   

Really?



    

                   

Fi, you do look lovely today.



    

                   

- I've abandoned my traditional black.

- Yes, so you have.



    

                   

From now on, I shall be

all the colours of the rainbow



    

                   

and fall in love with someone

who fancies me for a change.



    

                   

Darling Fi!



    

                   

- Look.

- What?



    

                   

Lipstick everywhere. That won't do at all.



    

                   

- Hi.

- Hi.



    

                   

Good luck.



    

                   

Hello. Glad you could come.



    

                   

Groom's on the right. Bride's on the left.



    

                   

- Groom on the right. Bride on the left.

- Oh, my God!



    

                   

I thought you'd gone back to Texas.



    

                   

Without you, never.



    

                   

Good luck.



    

                   

Bride or groom?



    

                   

Bride or groom?



    

                   

It should be perfectly obvious l'm neither.

Great God!



    

                   

- Bride or groom?

- Bride.



    

                   

Yes...



    

                   

I'm fine.



    

                   

I've a feeling we've met before.



    

                   

We have. About    years ago.



    

                   

I'm second cousin Harold's

daughter Deirdre. You're Tom.



    

                   

Good Lord!



    

                   

- So, you're family.

- Yes.



    

                   

- Only very distant.

- Well, yes, of course.



    

                   

You said you were bride?



    

                   

Yes.



    

                   

Well, do sit.



    

                   

Do sit here, Deirdre.



    

                   

Golly!



    

                   

Thunderbolt city.



    

                   

- Hello, Matthew.

- Nice to see you.



    

                   

- Hello, Charles.

- Bernard. How are you?



    

                   

- Exhausted, actually.

- Oh, bunny!



    

                   

- Charles.

- Hello, Lyd.



    

                   

- Hi.

- Hi.



    

                   

You look lovely. But then I always

did like you dressed for weddings.



    

                   

- And on time.

- Yeah. Extraordinary thing, isn't it?



    

                   

- How's Hamish?

- He's fine... I believe.



    

                   

- You believe?

- Well, yes.



    

                   

He wasn't the man for me after all.



    

                   

- You left him?

- We left each other.



    

                   

- When?

- A few months now.



    

                   

March was hell. By April, it was sordid.



    

                   

That's the last time

I marry someone three times my age.



    

                   

Charles, time to travel.



    

                   

Yeah.



    

                   

Coming. Good.



    

                   

- So why didn't you get in touch, then?

- I did think about it.



    

                   

I wanted to, but I was in a state.



    

                   

So, anyway, I don't want to keep you.



    

                   

And l'll see you afterwards.



    

                   

Yeah. Fine.



    

                   

Wait.



    

                   

I'll show you to your seat.



    

                   

Just showing her to her seat.



    

                   

Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it?



    

                   

It's been bad, yes.



    

                   

It's been a disaster.



    

                   

It has, as you say,

been very bad indeed.



    

                   

God, it's lovely to see you.



    

                   

Well, good luck.



    

                   

It's pretty easy. Just say 'l do'

whenever anyone asks you a question.



    

                   

Could you just give me a sec, Matthew?



    

                   

Yes, of course. Freshen up at will.



    

                   

Dear Lord,



    

                   

forgive me for what l'm about to say



    

                   

in this magnificent place of worship.



    

                   

Bugger!



    

                   

Bugger!



    

                   

Can I help at all?



    

                   

No. Thanks.



    

                   

Sorry.



    

                   

Vocal exercises. Big church.



    

                   

Excellent. Often do the same myself.



    

                   

Not exactly the same vocab, obviously.

Rather more alleluias.



    

                   

I'll leave you.



    

                   

- Bride's arriving.

- Fabulous!



    

                   

We seem to have lost the groom.



    

                   

- Stall her and l'll see if I can find him.

- Roger. Wilco.



    

                   

Charles.



    

                   

It's good to see you.



    

                   

Yeah.



    

                   

Matt, what do we think about marriage?



    

                   

Well... Gosh!



    

                   

Well, I think it's really good,

if you love the person with all your heart.



    

                   

Well, exactly. Quite.



    

                   

All these weddings. All these years.



    

                   

All that blasted salmon and champagne.



    

                   

Here I am on my own wedding day

and l'm still thinking.



    

                   

Can I ask about what?



    

                   

No.



    

                   

No, I think best not.



    

                   

I'm sorry, there's a delay.

A problem with the flowers.



    

                   

Flowers?



    

                   

There seems to be a staggeringly

high proportion of hay fever sufferers



    

                   

and they're right next to the flowers,

so we're moving the congregation.



    

                   

Don't want the vows

obliterated by sneezing.



    

                   

Charles, would it be out of place

for me to say that time is ticking by?



    

                   

What's happening? Tell me.



    

                   

Oh, God.



    

                   

I just saw Carrie...

and she's separated.



    

                   

Charles. It's your wedding day.



    

                   

I've fooled them so far.



    

                   

When people think you're stupid,

they're less suspicious.



    

                   

What's your advice?



    

                   

You've got three choices:

one - go ahead with it.



    

                   

Two - go outside and say

'Sorry, folks, it's all off!'



    

                   

Not tempting. Next?



    

                   

Third...



    

                   

I can't think of a third.



    

                   

Hello.



    

                   

Here you are!



    

                   

Ready to face the enemy?



    

                   

Are we?



    

                   

Yes.



    

                   

Excellent.



    

                   

Not so tight, Dad.



    

                   

Dearly beloved, we are gathered

together here in the sight of God



    

                   

and in the face of this congregation



    

                   

to join together this man

and this woman in holy matrimony,



    

                   

which is an honourable estate, instituted

of God in the time of man's innocence,



    

                   

signifying unto us the mystical union

that is betwixt Christ and his Church



    

                   

and therefore is not

by any to be enterprised



    

                   

nor taken in hand unadvisedly,

lightly, or wantonly,



    

                   

but reverently, discreetly, advisedly,



    

                   

soberly,



    

                   

and in the fear of God.



    

                   

Therefore, if any man

can show any just cause



    

                   

why they may not

lawfully be joined together,



    

                   

Iet him speak now or else hereafter

for ever hold his peace.



    

                   

I'm sorry.

Does someone have something to say?



    

                   

Yes? What is it?



    

                   

One second.



    

                   

What's going on?



    

                   

I thought of a third option.



    

                   

What?



    

                   

Will you translate?



    

                   

Translate what?



    

                   

He wants me to

translate what he's saying.



    

                   

What is he saying?



    

                   

I think the groom is having doubts...



    

                   

He says 'l suspect the groom

is having doubts.'



    

                   

'l suspect the groom would like to delay.'



    

                   

I think the groom really loves

someone else.



    

                   

That's true, isn't it, Charles?



    

                   

'l suspect the groom...'



    

                   

Because, Charlie -

this is for the rest of your life.



    

                   

Finally, you've got to marry the person

you love with your whole heart.



    

                   

And by the way -

your flies are undone.



    

                   

What's he saying?



    

                   

He says



    

                   

he suspects the groom

loves someone else.



    

                   

Do you?



    

                   

Do you love someone else?

Do you, Charles?



    

                   

I do.



    

                   

Get out of my way! Let me kill him!



    

                   

Blimey!



    

                   

At least it's one we won't forget.



    

                   

A lot of weddings just

blend into each other.



    

                   

- For God's sake!

- This one will stick out in the memory.



    

                   

For not actually including

a wedding service.



    

                   

Poor girl. No, I mean it. Poor girl.



    

                   

She's not my favourite person, but I think

what you did today was unforgivable.



    

                   

I can't bear to think about it.



    

                   

Poor Hen.



    

                   

- Though let's face facts.

- I'm sorry.



    

                   

If you weren't sure you wanted

to marry her today of all days,



    

                   

i.e., your wedding day,



    

                   

then it must be the right decision,

mustn't it?



    

                   

Quite right.



    

                   

It was a lovely dress.

I'm sure she'll find it useful for parties.



    

                   

- What did he say, Charles?

- Says he blames himself.



    

                   

- Absolutely not.

- No, you mustn't, David.



    

                   

They all blame you too.



    

                   

- It's OK.

- No, no. If there's music to be faced,



    

                   

I should be facing it.



    

                   

Hello.



    

                   

- Hi! You're soaking. Come in.

- No, l'm fine.



    

                   

Comes a point when you can't get wetter.



    

                   

- OK, l'll come out.

- No, please don't. I...



    

                   

I just wanted to check you're OK.



    

                   

Not busy killing yourself

or anything, but...



    

                   

But you're fine, so...



    

                   

I shouldn't have come

to the church this morning. I'm sorry.



    

                   

No!



    

                   

Wait. It was all my fault.

I mean, l'm the bastard here.



    

                   

And it sorted out one thing.



    

                   

Marriage and me were very clearly

not meant for one another.



    

                   

It sorted out another big thing, too.



    

                   

There I was,

standing there in the church,



    

                   

and for the first time

in my whole life I realised I



    

                   

totally and utterly loved one person.



    

                   

And it wasn't the person

next to me in the veil.



    

                   

It's the person standing opposite me now



    

                   

in the rain.



    

                   

Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.



    

                   

The truth of it is, l've loved you

from the first second I met you.



    

                   

- Not going away again, are you?

- No. I might drown. But otherwise, no.



    

                   

OK. OK. We'll go in.



    

                   

But first let me ask you one thing.



    

                   

Do you think, after we've dried off,



    

                   

after we've spent lots more

time together, you might agree



    

                   

not to marry me?



    

                   

And do you think



    

                   

not being married to me might maybe

be something you could consider



    

                   

doing for the rest of your life?



    

                   

Do you?



    

                   

I do.

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